This weird ‘friendship' is causing me so much heartache

[MuckedUpAgain]

Have NC.

I have a male friend I met at work 5 years ago, although we no longer work together.

The friendship soon strayed over the line and we became emotionally close. I was / am in an unhappy marriage, with control issues but for various reasons am still in that relationship.

He was also in a relationship. I know what we did was wrong but I got carried away and felt ‘loved’. He said he loved me too. We never DTD though, only emotional closeness, kissing etc.

Unfortunately his other half found out and the relationship ended abruptly. My other half never found out and life returned to normal, albeit I felt bereft emotionally for a while.

I moved myself to another area of the company and no longer saw this person at work. We no longer communicated and I tried to forget about him.

About 2 years after all this happened – I.e. about 3 years ago, we met each other by chance and, because of the nature of his work, he was able to ensure that I had to talk to him (sorry if this sounds cryptic / vague but I can’t go into detail as it would be too identifying.

We then started texting again / chatting again and it appeared ’a spark’ was still there.

However, he was / is much more distant, there’s no talk of ‘love’ etc. We are just like friends.

He wanted to meet up and we kissed. He says he finds me attractive and wants to be friends and he enjoys kissing me.

I find this bizarre and have told him I think it’s best just to be friends.

But because I am so weak, and also because I get very little affection at home :( - I always end up caving in and kissing him.

I know it's wrong, I know he is using me, I know he clearly doesn’t love me, but I can't help myself.

We talk from time to time and it really hurts when he mentions his partner (who clearly doesn’t know that we are in touch again…) I am puzzled why he is like this – does he not kiss his partner? I have tried asking him but get very woolly answers.

I know the sensible thing to do would be to cut off all contact… but… I would miss him. I need to be stronger in ensuring our friendship stays inside appropriate boundaries I know.

I would really welcome some help, advice and perspectives. Please don’t be too brutal though, I'm sorry for what I did - i'm lonely and just need support to do the right thing. :(

Mucked you can get counselling but go on your own and don't let your Husband Know!

They won't give counselling to a couple if one part of that couple is abusive to they're partner but you can get counselling on your on and it really sounds like you need it!

Your self worth sounds very very low and no one should be in an unhappy relationship let alone one that's controlling,honestly get yourself some good counselling,it will help you see that your worth so so much more than what your husband and this other man are offering!

Your not a bad person your a person that's having to deal with alot of bad stuff and more than likely being treated like it's all your fault?

Life is so short and none of us knows whats around the corner,try and think about where you'd like to be in 5 years time and start thinking about what you can do to get there.

You now have two abusive men in your life. Although you feel you need him, you have simply compounded your problems. Magnified them.

Being in an abusive relationship may explain why you find it hard to cut ties with the toxic 'friend' but it doesn't excuse it.

Yes to building a support network that is different and actually helps you.

The only person giving the non-friend license to do this to you is you. He didn't have a license to do anything until you handed it to him on a plate.

The only real way to heal all this is to leave your abusive partner but I don't know your circumstances or why you haven't already made that move.

Good luck.

It sounds like you want someone to say it's ok you can still see this man, he isn't using you and you aren't making a huge mistake. I'm afraid that isn't going to happen.

If your marriage is shitty get out of it. You can find someone who will be a best friend and a partner but not whilst you are married to someone else.

If you crave friendships then go meet some
People. I know it's hard but there are so
Many ways to meet people now. Get on your local pages on this site for a start.

You lived without this asshole before and you can do so again. He will cause you nothing but pain. A friend wouldn't screw you up with these mind games.

Can't you find a proper friend to confide in, not one that sees you as a bit of a mug?

He's not your friend, he really isn't, and I'm not saying that to be mean.

And why does your need to have a friend to confide in, a special kissing friend, trump the needs of all the people you're hurting?

If you're not ready to leave your dh that's your business, no need to destroy someone else's life in the process.

My needs count for very little, I'm well aware of that.

I'm not expecting anyone to say it's ok- I know it's not. It was a mistake to expect any sympathy.

It takes time to develop meaningful friendships especially when your self esteem is as non existent as mine. I'm just a worthless piece of shit.

You aren't a piece of shit op

It's just hard for people to really understand the situation when we don't know you in real life. You can only post so many facts on here and sometimes the facts aren't brilliant but we don't know you as a person so please don't say that

Personally I think your stuck in a rut with shit feelings your self esteem is shit too. I know I've been there....

Be honest though in a perfect world would you want this man for yourself. Say if his partner found out about you both and he became single and you ended things with your dp too.

What do you want people to say?

You're miserable about your marriage but won't consider leaving.

You're miserable about this man and know it's wrong, but don't feel capable of giving him up.

Therefore your situation will continue exactly as it is, until he walks away from you again and/or his wife finds out, when it will get lots worse.

There's no amount of sympathy from strangers that will sort this out, you've got to do it.

Thank you anyoldhow.

Just to clarify:
No I don't want this man 'to myself' - just as an appropriate friend, which I realise might not be possible. But that would still represent a loss to me ( of a friend / confidant).

And:
I have considered leaving my marriage many many times but am not in the right place to do so at present, although after a particularly nasty piece of abuse just this evening damn well wish I could.

Have you told him how you feel?

Hecate- barriers: stability for My DC, lack of funds, nowhere to go to, feel too vulnerable / weak to cope in my own / deal with upheaval / care for DC on my own

AnyOld- who do you mean, the friend? If so then yes, and he's offered practical advice on leaving DH - there is no such suggestion or expectation that we (friend & I) would be together or ever be anything other than friends if I did leave,

No wonder you feel weak, you feel stuck in a situation which keeps you weak and feeling broken. Hard as it is to imagine, if you manage to extricate yourself you will regain your strength. You can't while you're locked into a toxic dynamic.

Your needs do matter, no one has said they don't. The 'friend' is using you, which is a terrible shame because you so need a real friend now. He isn't one, though.

I'm sure other posters will know more than I but there is help for women seeking to leave abusive relationships. A period of change and some turmoil is an unfortunate necessity in wrenching yourself free of a destructive life.

It's good you're posting, you are pursuing the process of thinking this stuff through. It will lead you in the right direction.

Please don't feel too defensive here, posters do want to help. Your situation sounds pretty dire and I know you don't believe you can make changes but you can. Just inch towards that possibility, keep asking questions.

I think I can see where your coming from op and I'm sorry that it's so shit for you right now I know what it's like to be trapped too and it isn't easy to just suddenly pack up and leave. You do end up waiting for that perfect timing though and before you know it years have passed and been wasted. Like the other poster suggested I think your best bet is at least looking into somekind of women's charity to help you out of this and who knows you will probably meet good friends through that too!

I really do imagine though that he's having the same kind of trouble to want to seek you out for this comfort too. When you say that he has trouble with her son is he angry at him for what he's done to his mum in the past?
How did she find out about you both last time and could it happen again?
I'm sure your both taking care not to let each other's partners find out but there's a chance she might already know if he's acting the same as last time maybe ?

What do you mean you can't give up the friendship? When (not if) his partner finds out, he will drop you like a piece of stinky poo without a second thought. It isn't just up to you, if the friendship carries on.

So, give it up while it's your choice because sooner or later, he's going to drop you again and you will be in a far worse place mentally.

Don't give yourself a hard time! And don't talk about yourself that way! You've got yourself into a painful place with both men.

The 'friendship' is a one way road to emotional pain for you. You will be not be fulfilled in this relationship, you'll not get your needs met, you'll be left unsatisfied and wanting. Which is a mirror of your marriage. What you want this man will not give you. He is vague and woolly because he doesn't want to have a talk, he probably likes knowing he can kiss you whenever he wants. Don't put yourself through it!

Your marriage also sounds unsatisfying. It's clear you are unhappy. Please get yourself some individual counselling, you need to be able to talk openly about this with someone. You're looking for self esteem in all the wrong places. The situation with the man won't boost your self esteem, it'll destroy it.

This affair is about the problems in your marriage not OM. Forget abut OM and focus on your H. Sounds like there are real problems in your relationship, maybe you should give serious thought to splitting up.

Imagine you were single, would OM be the person you would want a relationship? He is just plugging a hole in your failing marriage. Sort that out before you compound the problem with additional relationships.

Thanks all. I do feel I have started process of mentally imagining what it would be like to leave.

I asked DP to go into spare room tonight. For a while he refused saying he couldn't sleep in that bed but would go in there tomorrow (bullshit). Then when I pressed it (and called bullshit) he jumped out all dramatically flinging the covers back and hurling insults at me. He's like a petulant child.

He also said I would not get any access to DC if he leaves as I do not have 'the capacity'. Dc came in crying :(

I don't know how to do all this :(

Op you do sound so sad. I know it's scary when you are so low and controlled and threats of not having your DC play on your mind. But OP they are simply threats, your current partner would not get to take away your DC. Please know this and don't listen to his threats. So has this latest phase with the OM been 3 years now? What happened in the 2 years you were NC ? Who did you confide in then? How was your relationship with your partner in that NC 2 year period? I do feel sad for you but your lack of ability to resolve this is deeply hurting an innocent party. That poor women doesn't deserve this. Your DC doesn't deserve to be upset at night. It isn't just affecting you. You do deserve a happy life but maybe you may find the drive to sort this if you think how the other woman and your DC also deserve to be happy. As you have resolved to not kiss him, that's a positive step. If you no longer see each other at work are you meeting up outside of work? If so, could you reduce this. I know some will say all out NC is the best way but if that is too daunting, at least take some smaller steps. Turn down every other meet up, then every two meet ups etc etc.

Anxious now- thank you, helpful post. Yes it's been 3 years now back in contact with om / 'friend'. The 2 years we weren't in contact were really hard for me and I had bad depression including a long time off work and medication.

Relationship with dp was same (bad / non supportive) and I felt really low, especially while simultaneously dealing with dp's cruelty and loss of closeness I'd had with om. Meeting om and rekindling friendship helped me recover I think, albeit for the wrong reasons in hindsight.

We don't meet face to face that much at all really, we will talk on the phone and email - and text sometimes.

It's a good suggestion to withdraw the number of times we do meet, I think that would be easier than all out NC, so thank you for that.

You are miserable for whatever reason, but that's no excuse for inflicting pain on others. I had some sympathy initially but now you just seem cruel and self centered.
Sorry OP, but you are being quite cruel and self centred by continuing on with the inappropriate 'friendship'. If you don't feel as if you have anyone else to confide in make this a priority rather than seeking comfort from a cheat who should be on his best behaviour right now. He is playing you and you are allowing it to happen.
I understand how difficult it is to leave or change your own bad relationship, but being with this guy is just holding you back. He is NOT a friend if he takes advantage of you!

At your very first opportunity - ie tomorrow morning - book a place on the Freedom Programme. It is a wonderful course, run by skilled and experienced facilitators who will support you all the way. You will also meet other women in similar marriages/relationships who are facing the same things as you. Your self esteem will rocket, I guarantee it.

You aren't the first or the last to be ground down in an abusive relationship, sadly. All that grinding pain will go when you get rid of him - and I do say 'when' because orgs like the Freedom Programme and Womens Aid will show you how to do it, step by step. They have all the resources and experience and will support you emotionally, practically and legally. They are the bizz.

Don't tell your revolting husband what you are planning. This is very important. Don't tell him about the Freedom Programme or Womens Aid. Don't try to get him to agree he is an abusive arsehole. He never will agree. You don't need his permission to leave him btw.

As for your 'friend'. Frankly, I'd like to meet him in a dark alley. Probably because the very same happened to me when I was coming out of an abusive marriage ie a married man who circled and swooped when I was at my most low - with 'i love you and always have' bullshit. LIke you, I was so vulnerable - shits like these men know it which is why they swoop. He is not a nice man, despite what you currently think.

Do the Freedom Programme

Ok good so could you try to reduce the calls/texts? Find a good box set or something to distract you. Go for a walk or run. Exercise really helps build self esteem and lift depression. Little distractions that help you feel better about yourself and give you less time to chat to him. Pamper time, bath, nails etc. Is there anything new you can do with your DC that may also help build some new friendships?