This weird ‘friendship' is causing me so much heartache

[MuckedUpAgain]

Have NC.

I have a male friend I met at work 5 years ago, although we no longer work together.

The friendship soon strayed over the line and we became emotionally close. I was / am in an unhappy marriage, with control issues but for various reasons am still in that relationship.

He was also in a relationship. I know what we did was wrong but I got carried away and felt ‘loved’. He said he loved me too. We never DTD though, only emotional closeness, kissing etc.

Unfortunately his other half found out and the relationship ended abruptly. My other half never found out and life returned to normal, albeit I felt bereft emotionally for a while.

I moved myself to another area of the company and no longer saw this person at work. We no longer communicated and I tried to forget about him.

About 2 years after all this happened – I.e. about 3 years ago, we met each other by chance and, because of the nature of his work, he was able to ensure that I had to talk to him (sorry if this sounds cryptic / vague but I can’t go into detail as it would be too identifying.

We then started texting again / chatting again and it appeared ’a spark’ was still there.

However, he was / is much more distant, there’s no talk of ‘love’ etc. We are just like friends.

He wanted to meet up and we kissed. He says he finds me attractive and wants to be friends and he enjoys kissing me.

I find this bizarre and have told him I think it’s best just to be friends.

But because I am so weak, and also because I get very little affection at home :( - I always end up caving in and kissing him.

I know it's wrong, I know he is using me, I know he clearly doesn’t love me, but I can't help myself.

We talk from time to time and it really hurts when he mentions his partner (who clearly doesn’t know that we are in touch again…) I am puzzled why he is like this – does he not kiss his partner? I have tried asking him but get very woolly answers.

I know the sensible thing to do would be to cut off all contact… but… I would miss him. I need to be stronger in ensuring our friendship stays inside appropriate boundaries I know.

I would really welcome some help, advice and perspectives. Please don’t be too brutal though, I'm sorry for what I did - i'm lonely and just need support to do the right thing. :(

Happy, I do put myself in his partners shoes, of course I do. That's why I hate the situation and realise it's so wrong.

I just wish I could stay friends with him in the true sense of the word. But even then I suspect his dp would be unhappy if we were just friends - and I can appreciate she would have every right to be.

I wish I could just walk away but feel very vulnerable myself and have few friends. This man is a 'friend' despite what pp have said.

Emmageddon, I have been advised counselling is no good if you're in an abusive relationship.

I did try it once but it was useless, dp just persuaded the male counsellor he was the best thing since sliced bread and was acting in my best interests and that his controlling actions (as perceived by me) were 'in my best interests'- it was a waste of money I didn't have.

He's using you as an ego boost & his gf as a make do girlfriend until he finds what he's really looking for. Stop kissing people in relationships & move on. You're better than that

Happy bunny- I'm sorry you think I'm cruel and self centred but I'm not. I accept I've done wrong but am seeking help and advice to rectify the situation. I realise I may get some harsh remarks but I am not cruel or self centred. That's why I've posted asking for advice. If I were cruel or self centred I'd just carry on and not care!

He isn't a friend, he really isn't. He is using you and bringing pain and uncertainty into your life and he doesn't care because it's a bit of excitement for him. Don't be fooled.

You've said you have 'few friends' so there must be at least one other beyond this awful bloke. Can you talk to them?

Crazy head, I know you're right. I've tried cutting off contact but then dp will do something particularly shitty and I'm in real distress and I have no one to turn to - I sometimes need someone to talk to who I can trust / who I've known for a while. If I had NC with this man I'd have no one else to confide in :(

He's not a friend. Friends don't kiss! And friends don't act selfishly and create problems for each other. Well good, functioning friends don't. And they are the only kind worth having.

You need to cut this guy out who is taking advantage of your vulnerability and affections for him and focus on getting out of your unhappy relationship. You don't have to make it work with DP - you tried, it didn't work. Now ditch both of them, spend sometime healing and then you'll be in a position to meet someone decent!

You know this is wrong. Find the strength to end it. He is not your friend, he is thinking of himself only. You need to start accepting this.

Buttery there's no one else I would feel close enough to, or that I wouldn't be embarrassed for them to know dp & I have problems. To outsiders we look fine, dp is charming to outsiders and others I know. This man knows the truth so it's easy to confide in him and he's been v supportive.

Tricky I could find the strength to end the kissing part, but I honestly would miss him as a friend. It's like he has a split personality and can veer into 'proper appropriate friend zone' when needed.

I am hearing what you say and realise I will probably end up NC but will be so lonely.

I think he is getting a weird "powerbuzz " with the hold he has over you. Just end it. You dont need it and he is a shit to his partner

If he's not married to her, and doesn't have children with her, he is staying with her from choice because he loves her.

He has identified you as the vulnerable woman he can get a thrill with.

It boosts his ego and gives him a bit of excitement.

What about this devious, betraying liar attracts you?

Please stop saying you're not a bad person and that you sympathise with his dp, as if it is all beyond your control.

Walk away even though you'll miss him, because it will hurt more if you don't, because you want to do the right thing, because you don't deserve to have two men treating you like shit.

You can't be his friend. You're not some gullible 15yo, so surely you get that?

HappyJanuary- I know it's in my control to walk away but it's not in my control to then be without anyone to confide in and in a controlling relationship. I am not in a position to leave dp at the moment. I don't feel up to the chaos it will bring, my mental health is not good enough.

I have posted for support and advice and appreciate the constructive advice pp are offering.

I can understand really I can that you need a friend and he obviously seems like a nice person to you to be able to offer you support and don't get me wrong there's nothing wrong with a male female friendship but the kissing is inappropriate and is still classed as cheating. Do you know his partner as a person? Have you ever met her or spoke to her before like when all got found out last time?

Anyoldhow, I know the kissing is wrong and have resolved not to let it happen again. I don't know his dp.

I accept I will need to cut contact at some stage - but just don't think I could cope with that at the moment.

I need to develop some other support networks first.

Do you think he needs to confide in you too? I mean is his relationship in a similar situation to yours as that's probably why he's seeking this kind of attention maybe. How do you go about people not noticing you both at work as if someone cottoned on to you both it could end badly for both of you and probably work wise too. Surely you wouldn't be able to move areas in the company again due to this man

Anyoldhow- we don't see each other at work any longer. No one at work knows. He confides in me about work problems and problems with his dp's son.

So there are kids involved then if she has a son?

Not kids - grown up.

Ahhh ok . If you work in the same company and he's confiding in you about work problems could he be maybe trying to get information from you ?

Hecate- you speak the truth sadly- I have very low self esteem. Thank you for posting though, I wish I felt I was worth more.

sounds like a Cretin OP... x