Have you ever been the OW?

[Lily15]

I am not asking to start off a debate about right and wrong, or to start a war. As a betrayed wife I am genuinely interested to know if anyone is willing to shed some light on what goes on in the OW head and how it worked out for you in your situation? Especially insterested to hear from those OW that were young and unmarried at the time (like my H's AP)

Just rediscovered this account that was linked to an email address I don't really use anymore and was interested to see this thread in my 'I'm on' list. It was quite weird going back in time to where I was two years ago.

To answer ...how it worked out for you in your situation? DP left his marriage a couple of months after my last post and will be divorced in the summer.

OP, (if you're still around) I hope things worked out for you.

Yes I had an affair with a married man that I worked with started when I was 18 for a few years. Over the years I thought about his wife a couple of times but not having been in a proper relationship I never fully understood what I was doing and how bad it really was. I regret everything now I’m in a happy relationship but I am quite insecure with trust issues which I blame the affair - knowing how a man really can lie and how far they will go just for a shag.

Yes and I still am the other woman. I have been for the last 4 years. It is kind of cooling off in regards to daily contact but only because I have a big work load at the moment and I've asked him ntc me.
Both married both with kids. Do I love him no but I care so deeply about him. I've tried to end it several times but we just come back together in the end.
I do this because in my husband's eyes I'm nom existent. He's only interested in his work. I will probably continue to see this guy.
It's the attention I get from him that I don't get off my husband. I mean how can someone not no that there partner is seeing someone for the LAST 4 years. It's not because I'm doing things diff he just can't be arsed to notice.

Not really but I've been portrayed as one. My oh's ex blamed me for their split and banded the old 'affair' rumour around (still doing so two years down the line) even though oh and I were nothing more than friends at the time they split.

Never nice to be portrayed as something you're not.

yes. im 28 he ia 43. hes 19 years married. im enagaged to partner 8 years.
started off a crush. then i could tell it was reciprocated. we flirted a lot, chatted.
then working together we kissed, instigated by him.
we spoke a lot online every night. i would get cold feet and habve no contact but always went back. he felt so much remorse and guilt and stopped the kissing,no touching...told me we are just friends. i ended it.
it made me feel sad. i wanted him to love me but i know i was just a bit of a thrill and ego boost. i know he likes me as a person but he does value his family. his wife had an affair in the past and they dont have sex....i know they all say that but he was talking to me from 9pm till 11pm when she was in bed so i know its true. i dont think she loves him.
but he clung on to the marriage for the sake of the kids. i think he was very lonely. he had no friends either so he got a friend he found attractive all at the same time.
it made me feel worthless actually. not good enough. too available. desperate. guilty.

It's really interesting to read everyone's responses here - no-one speaks fondly of the experience, and no-one seems to have acted out maliciousness or spite towards the wife.

My experience as the OW obliterated life as I knew it. Same old story - We met at work- I was young, in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship; he was older, senior, married with 3 kids (his second marriage). He charmed me, seduced me, swept me off my feet with affection and attention, told me he was desperately unhappy in his marriage. We had what I would call a 'rip-roaring' emotional affair for a few months before eventually it became sexual.

The only difference in this story is that he very quickly started saying he would leave his wife for me - I literally begged him not to be so stupid - but he did. One day, after just a few months, he actually left her- for me.

Was I the devious, triumphant 'other woman'? No - I was shit scared and literally went numb with shock. I felt because he'd done such a massive thing for me then I owed it to him to leave my partner too. What followed was 2 years of hell - he turned out he was hugely emotional abusive and controlling. I'm pretty sure he cheated on me - and his wife went utterly crazy from his lies. I felt so so guilty, and in pain - and pretty much everyone in my life turned against me for what i'd done. Eventually i left him - he literally stalked me for months before one day switching off - I think he found his next victim.

2 years on, I'm still recovering from the most terrible, confusing, horrendous time of my life. I needed therapy for the first year. I went through absolute hell - but not one day did I not think about his wife and how it must have been 100 times worse for her. I feel so bad for her, and hope she found happiness in the end.

Yes, I was but only for three months. We both separated from our previous spouses within that time. We now how a home together where both our DC live and we're expecting our first. I believe we were at the end of our marriages regardless. We've bothered never been this happy before. His exW did suffer but has bounced back. She has a lovely partner and we've been to each others houses.

I’ve just stopped being the OW after 3 months. Bleakest time of my life. He ended it last week declaring that I was being too serious and it was only meant to be “just a bit of fun”.

Ashamed to say I have too. It's actually happened more than once. The one that causes me the greatest difficulties is where his wife knew about it and still was willing to engage with me. With hindsight I recognise that she had Been gas -lighted and was willing to accept anything to save her marriage. Very sorry about it now.