Have you ever been the OW?

[Lily15]

I am not asking to start off a debate about right and wrong, or to start a war. As a betrayed wife I am genuinely interested to know if anyone is willing to shed some light on what goes on in the OW head and how it worked out for you in your situation? Especially insterested to hear from those OW that were young and unmarried at the time (like my H's AP)

Yes, several times. None of them had children. One was married, the rest in LTR.

Honestly, I had no qualms about my actions. I was 18-29, single, child free, too busy with my career to care for a LTR and enjoyed strings-free sex on my terms. I didn't actively seek out someone in a relationship, but it happened more often than I care to admit.

It's only with 20/20 hindsight that I have any feelings about this, but the reality of it remains that it was the man who had more to lose and was committing the betrayal, not me.

Yes. We slept together a few times rather than it being an actual relationship. He told me about his "ex" (actually talked about her a lot) but I was young and stupid and didn't cotton on that she was actually very much a current until she phoned while we were together. He answered the call and all his usual cockiness disappeared. Said he was with "a mate" and heading back to barracks (he was a soldier) very soon. After he hung up he gave me some guff about the "ex" always checking up on him. I'm ashamed to say we slept together again once more after I realised.
I haven't seen or spoken to him since so I don't know what his situation is now.

I've mainly got over the guilt now, it was over ten years ago, I didn't know all along (I would never have got involved if I had). I do regret sleeping with him again but it's not something I beat myself up over on a daily basis.

Yes, more than once.

When I was 20, with my then boss. He was the life and soul of the party and a serial cheater (no kids), but we had a full blown affair and he left his wife after 10 months and married me as soon as a very quick divorce came through. We had DS (now 22), and divorced after 12 years. He was 8 years older than me and it began to show and we just weren't compatible any more. He and DS still have a great relationship. I don't regret the affair or the marriage, but now I'm older and wiser I do feel some guilt.

Then when I was 33, with a man I met on a dating site. He had 2 children. He left his wife after about a year. I'm pretty sure his wife was already seeing someone else as the children were introduced to her new "friend" a week later, and she went on to marry him fairly quickly. For that reason, I don't feel too much guilt, although I was always painted as the baddie where the children were concerned, and they never really liked me. We got married after about 5 years and that lasted 4 years. he turned into a violent, abusive prick, so I guess I got my just rewards! I regret ever meeting him, having him associated with my DS, and ever being persuaded to marry him (I didn't want to, and did so to shut him up). I honestly don't know what I ever, ever saw in him. I think sometimes, and hope it's not, that I had/have such low self esteem that I was thrilled that I could "steal" a man from his wife.

While that last marriage was in its final throes, I started seeing someone else and saw the light, and kicked violent, abusive prick to the kerb. He spent a few months badmouthing me to my family and our mutual friends, neglecting to mention that he beat me up regularly. He then did a bit of Tindering, was unsuccessful, and then met a woman he is now living with and due to marry next year. I feel very sorry for her.

I'm now living with DP, who tuts disapprovingly at me for having been OW, ignoring the irony that he was, actually for a couple of months, OM!

I've probably, unwittingly, also been OW on ONSs, in my less stable days, inbetween relationships.

All in all, I'm not at all proud of being OW, don't tell other people about it, and am sad for the hurt I must have caused 1st wife, and for the children of the 2nd wife, although their Dad was never a good Dad to them, even before I came along.

Thank you everyone for your honest replies. Some posts I can relate to more than others re. my situation. I find it a hard pill to swallow that OW gets to live her life as before, whilst my children's and mine are changed forever. It was my H that betrayed me, not her, but she she knew me and my kids. I'll never know unless I ask her if she thought it would go somewhere..but I refuse to allow her into my life anymore than she is.

Yes, both in my early twenties.

One married and ONE LTR.

Both occasions I was single which was my justification I think. They pursued me (I didn't chase or instigate) and I made it clear before anything happened that they would be cheating and would lose their partner if they found out.

Would I do it again? No. Do I regret it? Yes.

No but as a young attractive woman in the legal profession I got a depressing number of "offers" from older married men. Didn't take any up on this because I want to be able to look in the mirror.

My flatmate at the time was shagging her senior partner - he used to come to our flat with his pre verbal baby (his third child). I met the wife at a party - utterly excruciating. Disgusting

Yes. He was charming and made me feel as if I was the only person in the world who understood him.
The usual "my wife doesn't understand me etc etc"

I knew about her, but thought they were a lot more down the divorce path than he let on (turns out they weren't even separated)

I was young and carefree and he was so intensely loving.

It ended after I found out she had a baby six months after we started sleeping together

She found out though and I cannot imagine the pain I must have put her through. They're still together and I'm glad they managed to make it work.

I feel though that I will be punished for eternity for bad karma

yes and i am sort of ashamed but also not...i fell for him, really properly, and are now together and have been for 5 yrs, and the relationship is absolutely everything i knew it would be
But before that i was OW for 5 years....and i hate that we wasted that time ...but it is indeed complex, the OW and cheaters in general get dreadful rap, especially men who leave for another woman. But should people stay in unhappy marriages ? I married the wrong person for the wrong reasons and my DP probably the same thing. I do not condone affairs but I also cannot say i truely regret mine.

OP...the OW may not be getting on with her life and I know you owe her no sympathy and i wouldn't expect you to, but do not think she is unscathed by this.

I find it hard to believe that some OW think about the mans gf/wife/kids. If that were the case they'd stop and find someone else.

I have. I hate that I did it and would never do it now. Both were in my early twenties. Both had young babies at home, but I was immature and selfish and was still in the teenage mindset of not thinking past my own wants and needs.

Both were very short term - less than 2 months each.

One I ended when he told his girlfriend and she started threatening to have people beat me up and stab me. I realised then how shit it was and how much we had hurt her. It was hard to walk away because I had known the guy for a long time and had developed real feelings for him, but I cut all contact, sent apologies to the girlfriend through mutual friends and promised her it was over.

The second time started as an accident because I thought they were still separated - they split up a lot. It did carry on once I knew, and he fed me the usual things - he was only going back for the kids, he didn't really love her, it was me he wanted and it was just easier to stay with her for now blah blah blah - that was until he said something about sleeping with her after seeing me one day.
We've stayed friends but I shut him down any time he even put a toe over the line in that way again.

Not my finest moments

Young, Stupid and lacking self esteem seems to be a common theme on this thread. Some men can spot this a mile off.

Yes, we have been living together for four years. We met ten years ago.

Yes, some of the age differences are huge. These predators target the young and lacking in self-esteem.

I've never been the OW, but when I was very young, looking for a father figure and with a dysfunctional family, it might have been me if the right creep had come along. I got plenty other creeps later, of course, just no married ones.

I have been seen as the Other Woman. When I met my partner he and his wife were still living in different parts of the house, but under the same roof. with their two children. They had agreed to separate before I came along, and were waiting for the property to sell.

I have now been with my partner for nearly twenty-one years.

Once, unknowingly. He was my first love and we were 21. Had been a couple of years since we broke up. I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we'd slept together and he'd said we'd get married. She found out. They married six years later. They are still together even though he had an affair around the time she was pregnant.

I think there are hundreds of reasons why a woman sleeps with someone else's husband and / or stays even when they discover the man is married.

Yes.

Until last week when I broke it off.

I am still very raw, so I think posting this is both for you and me OP.

I am not young so the age thing doesn't apply. I am divorced and he is married only for a few years, second marriage. But we have known each other for many years and we became more close towards the ending of my marriage. I really do think that I fell in love with him a bit more than I care to admit. He was just there for me, at first I thought it still just a friendship, I was well aware of the fact he was married, I have been the betrayed wife myself, so its not like I was unaware of the consequences. I would like to say, it just happened...but I am as much to blame as he is. The text message that crossed the line, the private joke here, at first it was an emotional affair. It got physical one time only. That was the week prior to last. I have made myself ill with guilt and shame. Not just feeling ill, really could not get out of bed ill. I cannot comprehend or process why I allowed myself to sleep with a married man. Did he see me as an easy target. Yes probably.... I tried to break contact a few times before it got to stage 2. He always was just so damn nice all the time... and yeah, well... that's probably it. He was determined and I was vulnerable I think. OP.... I did think of his wife. All the time in fact. I couldn't believe that I had put someone else in the same boat I was in myself. Just unfuckingbelievable.

I didn't go out to have an affair with a married man. I am not proud and its messed me up more than the ending of my marriage to be honest. I think there is some truth in the saying, hurt people hurt people.

Once but totally unknowingly. I was young and I had no clue he was married but after a few months things didn't add up and I found out. He told me he loved me etc etc but I ended it immediately and told his wife, he wasn't very smart as I had more than enough proof to show her. She left him and last I heard is now happily married to another with children.
I felt awful and it was a dreadful mistake on my part but I honestly didn't know.

The saying hurt people hurt people is just bollocks. Sorry if that upsets you, genuinely. But it's just permission and justification.

I was in a hotel room with my ex, four months after finding out my husband had cheated. I managed to keep my knickers on as I didn't want to break my vows. I could have shagged this guy. Love of my life for forever. He wasn't totally up for it. It's just bollocks to say hurt people hurt people as if you have no control. You made a choice.

New. Yes, as I said, I did make the choice.... and regret it completely. Do I sound like I am in a good place right now because of it New? Because if you didn't get it from my post, I can tell you that I am not. I am the hurt person that has hurt someone else. Whether she will ever find out, I don't know. But I have hurt her nevertheless.

I am answering the OP's question. From the an ow's point of view.

Yes with my now DH. We were both in failing marriages and looking for an escape. Neither of us expected to fall in love......but we did. I'm not sorry at all. His ex met a new man 2 weeks after he left and thanked my DH for showing her just how unhappy they were. My ex was a bastard who beat me so I'm definitely not sorry about him.

highlighta - I'm sorry you're not in a good place but you chose that. The wife didn't and I can assure you there's a good chance she's hurting more than you. You would know that though as you've been the betrayed spouse. I hope you find peace but you have to deal with the fact you brought it on yourself first. Heartbreak is awful. It's one of the worst pains there is and there's no easy answer.

I'm ashamed to admit that I have been, 3 times

The first was almost 20yrs ago, when I was 19 and in an unhappy LTR myself. He was early 30's. I can't even remember how it happened or how long for. I didn't give his partner a 2nd thought. I was young, selfish, and had my own problems. I think it was an exit affair for me. We're friends on FB, but he was a definite mistake and I often have 'what were you thinking!?' moments. I do feel bad for his partner (now his wife) now though.

The second was also when I was 19 (single by that point), but I didn't know he was in a LTR. He eventually admitted to me that he had a girlfriend, by which point I'd fallen head over heels. I gave him the 'her or me' ultimatum, and he chose me. We've been together 17yrs (married almost 13yrs).

Third is I'm ashamed to say very recent, and was a EA with an old school friend who found me on FB, 18mths ago. It wasn't an immediate thing, and I actually gave him the brush off when he tried to cross the line initially. But, and I know this doesn't excuse any of it, I was going through a really difficult time, battling PND and anxiety. My DH didn't know how to deal with me and I often felt that he resented me for how I was feeling/acting. He didn't really understand any of it, and would get so angry at me. I felt that I had to act like I was ok, even when I was breaking inside. The OM was an escape from all that. He made me smile and feel like me again. In hindsight, I became reliant on him, to feel better about myself in so many ways, it really was like an addiction. We tried to stop so many times, but would always end up back in touch. I fell for him hard, him less so for me. It finally ended about a month ago. His wife found out. Again, I was so wrapped up in my own issues that I didn't really think much about her, and we never spoke about our other halves much. She sent me a not so nice message, wishing all sorts of terrible things on me, and it was then that I realised I deserved every single word of what she said. I was also contacted by her sister, more politely asking questions about my relationship with her BIL. I've not replied, but have thought a lot about doing so, because she deserves answers, but then I don't want to potentially rock the boat more than I already have.

I'm struggling, and I deserve to.