Have you ever been the OW?

[Lily15]

I am not asking to start off a debate about right and wrong, or to start a war. As a betrayed wife I am genuinely interested to know if anyone is willing to shed some light on what goes on in the OW head and how it worked out for you in your situation? Especially insterested to hear from those OW that were young and unmarried at the time (like my H's AP)

Yes, with dh. I knew him through work - knew years before we got together that he was in a shit relationship and that his then long term partner had affairs. We worked together randomly on a project (paths don't usually cross) and went out for drinks etc after work as part of a group. It was an EA really - he left his partner after I threatened to stop our EA. She married about 4 months later. No regrets and no guilt.

Yep. Been together for 25 years

I'm ashamed to say I was the ow. I was 20, he was 45 and married with 2 older teenagers.
He was my boss and I was a stupid young idiot that thought it was a good idea, liked the power aspect at the time.

I would NEVER ever do anything like that again. I'm a totally different person now.
I'd never even admit it IRL to people I'm that embarrassed by it.

A couple of times in my 20s. One lasted for a year. It was just sex, not a love affair. He very much loved his wife and talked highly about her. They were TTC, so he thought of sex with her as duty sex, I guess, but not in a bad way. He had other women too. I wasn't the only one. So, if he wanted a blow job he was going to have to hit up one of the other women because I sure as hell wasn't going to do that in this situation.

After a year he had a job opening at his office and asked me if I wanted it on the condition we stop the sex as he drew a line at sex with colleagues. It was my choice, continue the sex or quit the sex and go to work for him. The sex was great, but I thought it had run its course, so I went to work for him. They are still married from what I hear and had one child. This was 20+ years ago. I worked for him about a year. No one ever knew our past.

The 2nd one was a surgeon who was in town for a convention. We met in a bar on his 1st night in town. We spent the next 4 days naked in bed in his hotel - other than the speech he came to town to give. No sex. Just talking. He loved his wife, too. She was his former nurse. But they had a severely disabled child and they were both very stressed out. He didn't think he was cheating since we didn't have sex. He just wanted to talk. I liked him. I thought he was a nice guy. He started sending me love letters afterward, so I cut him off because there was no point in that. That disabled child died. He eventually divorced and remarried (this I know from Google stalking -we have not been in touch - I doubt he even remembers my name).

Since then, married men hit on me all the time, but I am not interested. It's just so cliche and I hate this idea of these men getting their cake and eating it too. I've never been married and I am in my 50s. I don't think my experiences are typical. I'm pretty cold. If either of these wives would have called me I would have said "Stay with him, he loves you, what we were doing was meaningless."

The 1st guy will always have a harem going, no question about it. The 2nd guy seemed a little out of his comfort zone. The 2nd man's cousin called me and asked if I would go out with him if I wasn't going to "see" his cousin the married surgeon. The cousin was single, but I declined. Seemed potentially messy.

I suppose so yes. He was attached but unhappy. i told him I wasn't interested in an affair and if he was going to leave it wouldn't be because of me. I made no promises that if he did leave that we would even have a relationship. I absolutely did think of her. And also of me. I had feelings for him and no way would I have an embarked on a relationship that saw him going home to someone else at the end of the night. He left. And we got together after that. I thought of her then too. To my mind I wasn't the 'OW' (though she and MN may disagree) since we did not pursue a physical relationship and I did not interrupt a happy relationship. I am technically guilty of an EA of course as we did spend time talking about whether we would have a relationship and I admit I was the catalyst for him going.

Actually, at the point at which he left I had told him I didn't want to keep in contact any more so he had left with no guarantee that we would ever get together (though that was clearly his hope).

My own exH left me in the exact same circumstances. Our relationship was dead in the water (no intimacy, holding on for the children mainly) and he left when the opportunity of another relationship presented itself. So his partner is technically the OW too, but she certainly wasn't to blame for the state of our relationship, even if she was the reason he finally left.

I was 17 and he was my first love - he was 30 and told me he was divorced. Then whilst we were being intimate for the first time (a month later) he told me he was separated not divorced. I had no reason to disbelieve him as he took me home to meet his parents and brother, I met his friends and colleagues. We spent all our spare time together and even went away on holiday.

I found out he was married when his wife found the floppy disk where he saved the love letters and track listing for the compilation tapes he gave me, and she followed him when he came to pick me up from school. After I met her, he told me she had cancer and he was still in contact with her because the house was in negative equity and he couldn't sell it, she was living there and he was paying the mortgage. I must have been the world's biggest fool. He was living at his parents house as I often stayed overnight there but in hindsight I think she had kicked him out.

I must admit to not really thinking about how she felt. I was more concerned with my own feelings and swallowed everything he said as he was very plausible. However he was also violent and abusive, which she told me about but I didn't believe because at first he was charm personified. Only after we were engaged did the abuse begin, although by that time he had isolated me from my family and friends and made me doubt my own sanity.

Whilst I look back now and wonder how I could have been so gullible, he is the one who deliberately set out to deceive me and his wife, he pursued me and lied about his status, and I had never had a boyfriend or sexual partner before so was naive and immature.

I got my just desserts when he left me for a girl I went to school with so I know exactly how it feels - he told her that I was mental, he felt sorry for me and that I would kill myself if he left me, so she put up with being the OW too. When I met up with her (long story) she was completely blinded by him just like I had been. Once a snake always a snake. I tried to tell her about his violence but she thought I was just being vindictive.

Oh and the one I reckon I block out! When I was a student I had this fwb thing going on with a bloke I wasn't that in to. I didn't give his relationship status much thought until he made a really weird comment. I went straight to the library and found his wedding announcement in the local paper 2 weeks previously!!!

I didn't know and I never allowed him to contact me again.

"He very much loved his wife ...".
"He had other women too. I wasn't the only one".

No he didn't.

Very much love his wife, that is.

Yes. Now been married for 6 years. Never thought about his ex-wife.

Yes; I am currently an OW. I feel bad about it, and it is not the role I sought, or want to be in. However, I am lonely, I can't seem to make any other relationship work, and I had been craving love / affection and sex for a long time (i.e. many years). Does that excuse it? Probably not. But I didn't go looking for it, and I didn't make (or break) any marriage vows. If I met someone who was available and who wanted a "proper" relationship, I would drop the OM straight away, but it just isn't happening and while I have turned down propositions from married men several times in the past, this time I didn't have the strength to deny myself what he was offering and to continue to be completely alone. In case it's not clear from what I've written, I am single (and childless) and have never been married.

Only briefly.

My ex bf was with his 'rebound chick' a couple of months after the end of our long term, very committed, passionate, intense relationship. Only thing was we were still sleeping together

Why? I wanted my bf back, I was lonely, heartbroken, very depressed. The experience, not the man, numbed my pain, distracted me, was exciting. It made me feel alive. Anyway, it didn't work. I don't know what he/they are up to now, they may well still be together. I doubt he ever told her!

Thankfully I found a way to move on and now I'm 5 weeks from a baby with my ~new man.

Yes. Young, unmarried and knew about his wife. Never, ever wanted him to leave her and made that very clear. I naievely rationalised his marriage/his business although we talked about her alot. He said he loved her, and was never ever disparaging about her in any way. For me; I was STD free, always practiced safe sex, never initiated contact in case it was seen or caused questions and whilst I cared for him deeply, had no designs on him beyond what he was offering which worked for me at the time and was "safe". It ended amicably when he moved away. He used to message me on my birthday every year, just a short three line email. He doesnt anymore. I dont know what happened between them in the intervening years. I suspect they're still married.

Velvet just reminded me I used get birthday emails and texts for years after too and also on particular 'dates'. Short messages saying he was unhappy with current partner, sorry he let me go, I was the one etc. Often sent me links to music with 'meaningful' lyrics with the mails. It stopped about two years ago. As far as I know they are still together. I am fully confident I was not the only person receiving those emails and texts!

Once

It was a ONS. I was stoned out of my head on prescription meds and was also stuck in a manic episode at the time. Afterwards he told me that he felt like it was meant to be, like we'd been brought together by something, and being pretty unwell at the time I took that very literally and we had some pretty inappropriate conversations. I didn't really register his wife as real - I'd never met her, never spoken to her. I'm ashamed to say that when she found out and was quite justifiably horrible to me, I responded pretty badly with a kind of 'f*ck you then' attitude. I remember she contacted me to say that her H would never speak to me again, as he saw now how worthless I was and how meaningless and cheap our ONS had been, so I kind of set out to prove her wrong (I know it was awful), got him to tell me that she was wrong, that he was just playing along, but actually he wanted to be with me and would be as soon as he could calm her down. Then sent her all the emails he'd sent me.

Looking back, I am deeply ashamed of myself. I don't know how to explain it, except that no one was very real to me at that point. Manic episodes kind of rot my sense of empathy. If it helps, my karma was waking up a month or so in and realising I was back in hospital, I'd slept with this guy that I didn't even fancy, and then destroyed his marriage, and was basically an awful person. I wound up in a very dark place in the aftermath of that.

Read here and gain further insight into the mind of the OW. ..honestly. ..it's the same old story, just a different OW and a different MM.

www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/

I have been the other women but I didn't know. I was about 20-21 he was about 30-35 (he lied about his age) and this was some time ago. We met had a 9 month 'relationship' at the time it seemed normal to me. I spent a lot of time with friends didn't see him every night/weekend, thinking about it this must have been great for him. 9 months in I bumped into his friend in a club and he told me about his wife. I ended it. I hope she is with someone lovely now. Sorry you are going through this.

Once unknowingly. We were engaged and I got pregnant and didn't know until he complete disappeared and fucked off back to his other life.

Then again with my dh. Strange situation as I'd know him for quite a while and he was desperately unhappy as he was in an unconsummated marriage. He didn't know she was intending to never have a family (or sex at all) when he married her.

I was an infatuated 19 year old student, he was 32, gorgeous and unhappily married with no children. His wife and I were good friends. They had been having marital problems mainly due to her failing business.

He kissed me at a New Year's Eve party, she was also there. It was the best moment of my life up to that point. He knew I fancied him and shortly afterwards, we began an affair which lasted 18 months. I lost my virginity with him, and fell deeply in love.

Eventually, she found out due to my stupidity and his carelessness. All hell broke loose, as you might imagine. They split up and divorced. I moved away and never saw either of them again.

Doesn't sound good, does it? I was young and naive. I honestly never intended to hurt her or break up their marriage, which would have ended anyway. I was a symptom, not the cause.

Do I regret what happened? The truth is that I regret the hurt, but not the affair. I learned my lesson the hard way, got my fingers badly burned, have never done anything similar since, and never would again.

Yes for a couple of months but I had no idea.

My friend vaguely knew the bloke, I met up one day with her and her friend who I had never met who knew him well. It came up in conversation that I was seeing him and that's how friend and I both found out he had a long-term girlfriend.

Luckily friend's friend believed me that I didn't know he wasn't single and told me he'd always been a rat. The rat dumped me by text later that day so I wonder if friend's friend had had words with him after we parted ways. He saved me a job, I was simply planning to block delete and ignore next time he contacted me.

I was young and stupid at the time and missed (ignored!) quite a few big red flags (like never taking me to his as he was temporarily living with his parents but one day saying he was visiting his mum then coming out with some daft convoluted story when I questioned it)

I did feel guilty for quite a while afterwards even though everyone reassured me it was him that had done wrong and all I'd done was been a bit naive.

I'm still friends with friend-and-her-friend though although friend's-friend soon cut all contact with ratman after getting sick of his ratty antics. For all we know he is still at it.

Sadly yes. I got the whole my wife doesn't understand me etc. He was a manipulative arse but i didn't see any of it. I wish i hadn't got involved with him. My biggest mistake was to not see him for what he was.

I did love him. He said he loved me etc etc. In truth he loved only himself and was a selfish, childish Narcissist.

He still married to his wife. She found out about his numerous women long after id broken it off and gone no contact. I feel for her. I wish she'd leave him. I know how manipulative and abusive he is and she's obviously completely controlled by him just as all his women were.

I'm truly sorry for what i did and how i behaved.

I don't think the OW really does give the wife much thought. The husband doesn't either and he's the one doing the betraying so I'm not sure why the OW would be expected to.

Yes we were both young i was single he was living with her. He left her and we are.now married but it has left huge scars on us both i think we both feel guiltly

Im ashamed to say I have.

Met him shortly after a messy break up whilst I was having a hard time. I knew he was married and that he wasnt happy. He spun me the usual line that they were practically seperated and sleeping in seperate rooms blah blah blah.

I told him that if he was going to leave her then not to do it for me as I couldn't guarantee we would work out. He left her and divorced her soon after and I helped him sort his life out/gave him somewhere to live.

I didn't really give her a thought until the CSA wrote to tell him his child had been born. Yes he'd left her whilst she was pregnant.

At this point I should have run for the hills. He made the decision to have NC with the child at all but paid what he was told to by CSA.

Fast forward 10 years and he's recently left me and DS. Im devasted for both of us but feel its what I deserve. What goes around definitely comes around

I have thought about making contact with her to tell her im sorry and that he has done the same to me. I wont as I dont think its fair to drag it all up again, and shes now engaged and looks happy as anything (from her social media).

He seems to be able to go from relationship to relationship without a second thought for the partners and children he leaves behind. I dont think he'll ever hurt the way he's hurt us, how is that fair.

Yes. I was 19 and he was 44. I hated myself for years.

15 years later, now 59, he's now in prison for grooming underage girls online.