Threatens to leave every time we have a row

[BG2015]

I've been with my partner for two and a half years. He moved in with me about a year ago. I have 2 older teenagers who both get on with him well. He has a 13 year old daughter who stays occasionally.

When I met him I was selling the jointly owned house I had with my ex partner, very acrimonious spilt. All of the equity in the house was mine and my ex was very bitter that he ended up with only £2k after 6 yrs together. Because of this I vowed never to be financially linked to a man again. My partner pays me rent. I don't need it desperately but obviously it helps. I'm totally independent.

He's a great man, caring, loving, generous and very funny.i love him greatly even though he drives me mad! He helps around the house and will pay for extra shopping etc. His mum died when he was 18 and lost contact with his dad so he's had no real parental influence since then.

I know he wishes he could go on my mortgage but he although he works and has money in the bank he has no house of his own. I just don't want him on the mortgage. He understands this but it's definitely the elephant in the room sometimes.

When we have an argument or disagreement he will call himself 'just the lodger' and say ' I've paid my rent to the end of the month then I'll look for somewhere else' and often adds 'it's what you want' - I've never ever asked him to leave. I know he has self esteem issues and lacks confidence.

Afterwards he will apologise and say he's given up on many relationships but not this one. We laugh about it but I truly hate it. He proposed once (he was drunk so it doesn't count) and I've told him how can I marry someone who threatens to leave every time we have an argument.

Grinch, I think he's pissed off that he hasn't got a house. He's a plodder, not a get up and do it kind of bloke. He knows his chances of buying his own place are getting less and less all the time.

The easy option would be to jump in with me, but I won't do that and it frustrates him.

The only house I'll be buying is a bungalow or a small terrace. I'm certainly not going bigger. I plan on retiring in 12/13 years and need my mortgage to end at the same time as I retire.

He knows the score.

£200? Does that include food? Wear and tear?

Do not reduce the payment - put it in a savings account - he's already halved his outgoings and should have plenty to spare for what ever he needs

It may well be that he thought he could change your mind after moving in.

Its not your fault he has not got a house of his own; that is purely his doing.

Why are you with him though if he is a plodder?. Is this the role model of a man you want for your own children too?. You're showing them that on some level this is still all acceptable to you.

BG - I agree. Do not put him on the mortgage, do not marry. And £400 a month for share of bills plus food too is a bargain. Already he is saving around £400 a month vs what he used to pay. Plus you are providing a room for his daughter too when she stays. I was in exact same position as you (although ex P only managed to pay me £30 a week as he refused to get a job). I lost out a lot financially on divorce from ex H so never wanted to be financially vulnerable again, I am protecting my kids assets. Also I am now single again (if I ever date again will never plan to live with a partner again)

He re-trained recently and had been motivated enough to do that and I'm immensely proud of him for doing so well - he just doesn't always have the confidence to push himself forward. His parents didn't see the importance of education and I think a lot of his emotional struggles come from his childhood.

My boys have perfectly fine family role models in their lives with a fantastic dad, grandads, uncles and cousins. My DP is just that, mums partner. They like him, he supports me and helps me and that's enough.

Do not reduce his bill! £400 all in is a bargain especially as he has access to 2 bedrooms since you decorated your spare room for his daughter.

'He's a plodder, not a get up and do it kind of bloke. He knows his chances of buying his own place are getting less and less all the time.

The easy option would be to jump in with me, but I won't do that and it frustrates him.

The only house I'll be buying is a bungalow or a small terrace. I'm certainly not going bigger. I plan on retiring in 12/13 years and need my mortgage to end at the same time as I retire.

He knows the score.'

Yep, he sure does. His being a plodder, his chances of buying a property, etc. none of this is your fault or your job to change or sort out.

He is well into adulthood.

The easiest option for him is huge financial risk for you.

So don't do it.

He doesn't like it, he can walk. He should have saved up a nice nest egg by now.

He pulls this card again you just say, calmly, 'If that's how you feel about our relationship, maybe you're right.'

It's patently immature to expect your partner to dance round you or chase after you like a teenager. Don't do it.

' he just doesn't always have the confidence to push himself forward. His parents didn't see the importance of education and I think a lot of his emotional struggles come from his childhood.'

BG, he is 52. This whole blaming the parents, um, they are probably dead. He's been an adult for 44 years. This whole thing is and always was his to own and sort out.

You're trying to be a rescuer. STOP. Did you ever expect others to solve all your problems or issues for you? Or did you, as you moved through adulthood, learn to recognise them, become responsible for them and change? It sounds like you have, look at how well you control your finances.

Sorry, 34 years. A long time. A lot of us born in the 70s had parents who 'didn't see hte importance of education' but have managed to figure it out for ourselves in adulthood.

So you met when he was in his late 40s? Why hadn't he built up some security by then? You say he didn't have much from the house he had before being divorced, but you've been through the exact same scenario, kept your savings together, AND took care of 2 kids. Even if his ex kept 2/3 of any equity (as it sounds like she has their DD 12 nights out of 14) he should still have something in the way of savings etc.

Obviously, there are many people who never own houses as their income is too low/unreliable, but if he had a mortgage before I'm assuming that his income could have enabled a flat purchase or similar if he'd wanted to do that.

If it's 2.5 years he was pretty close to 50.

Many people also have less than ideal childhoods and do not plod through life like he has done and continues to do at your behest.

He's had 34 years to sort himself and his child out and he still has had to rely on others. A plodder he indeed is and a rescuer you indeed are.

If he wants a house, let him buy his own. He has left a series of relationships, has failed to build up enough money to buy a house and get a mortgage in his own right at the age of 52,, and gets rent, food and bills for £400 all in. I'd happily live with you for that!

I don't judge the guy for being a plodder. There is a lot to be said for a laid back, non-materialistic guy who appreciates the here and now. the thing is, you can't be laid back AND expect someone else to deal with the material stuff. If that's how you are, don't be bitching and whining at someone who lived differently and amassed more security.

I wish I was more like him sometimes. I am uptight and driven and I don't know that being the way I am is best for my dcs. On the other hand, although their father left me, I have a house big enough and nice enough for them to play outside and invite friends over; and unless it gets repossessed, no reason to force them to move. This matters to me. I wouldn't let a new man anywhere near my house.

No way would I put him on mortgage or marry him. He hasn"t got a house. Not your problem. If you split now he would have to rent anyway. He is saving a fortune living with you. Do not take £200 a month. What about food etc?

As others have said, why can't he get a buy to let if he really wants security? He shouldn't need half of yours

Is that £200 all-in including food , drink etc?

The easy option would be to jump in with me, but I won't do that and it frustrates him

Of course it frustrates him - how else is he going to get some 'security' for himself AND his dd?
He's not prepared to put the work/effort in himself to provide that.

Don't reduce the £400 pm payment for bills/food/CT/housekeeping...he couldn't live that cheaply even in a bedsit!

Why is he so fixated on having a house in his name anyway? It'll just get sold if/when he needs a care/nursing home anyway.

He's got more 'security' by saving his money and carrying on renting.
If your relationship fails he has the money to get himself a new start.

Face it - he just wants what you have at yours and your dc expense....he can't keep blaming his parents and everyone else for his own faults.

I started thinking about the number of friends I have in that age bracket (I'm 46 myself so it's a lot of friends) whose parents didn't value education or were even worse, abusive twats, who managed to dig themselves out in adulthood. LOADS. It was very common until quite recently to not need a university education and still be able to get a viable career. I've got a friend who is 66 whose home broke up when he was 15. He had to leave school and get a job. He'd already been buying his own clothes and stuff as they had many children and were poor. He managed to become a commissioned officer in the Army, from enlistment at 19. Sure, not everyone can set the world on fire, but c'mon, 52 and blaming your folks for low confidence and your lot in life and expecting your girlfriend of 2.5 years to add you onto her mortgage? Get real!

We had a big discussion last night about how damaging it is to keep making threats he has no intention of carrying out. He admitted its low of him.

We talked about what would happen if he put money into my house and went on the mortgage and how we would divide up the shares, we both agreed that that just wouldn't be fair and I'd be right back where I started in 2014. He says he's saving to try and buy a house outright. He's self employed and would struggle to get a mortgage.

He's always owned property and he obviously finds security in that. I suggested lowering the amount he gives me so he can throw more money into savings but he refused, he says what he gives me is saving him money anyway. He also knows that I'm planning on doing quite a few major jobs around the house and his contribution will help me out immensely.

Basically he's happy here, we both are but he struggles because our situation isn't equal regarding our finances.

My gut instincts have always been, no to marriage and hanging onto my financial independence. I'm sticking to them.

Thanks for all of your comments, they enabled me to think things through.

I think I've missed something. If he's always had property and found security in it, how come he has no house?

PoorYorick his Ex got it in the divorce.

'I suggested lowering the amount he gives me so he can throw more money into savings but he refused, he says what he gives me is saving him money anyway. He also knows that I'm planning on doing quite a few major jobs around the house and his contribution will help me out immensely.'

STOP doing this! You are still rescuing and enabling. His 'contribution'? He lives there, why on Earth shouldn't he pay to do so?! Stop trying to find solutions for him (cannot believe you suggested lowering what he pays you! REALLY hope he doesn't throw that back in your face). He is an adult.

Well done, you've told him how you feel and made him appreciate his problem is his alone and that he has no intentions of living off you to subsidise his property ambition, however important that is to him. I'd say that was a result.