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Original poster

Threatens to leave every time we have a row

97 replies

BG2015 · 26/03/2017 10:00

I've been with my partner for two and a half years. He moved in with me about a year ago. I have 2 older teenagers who both get on with him well. He has a 13 year old daughter who stays occasionally.

When I met him I was selling the jointly owned house I had with my ex partner, very acrimonious spilt. All of the equity in the house was mine and my ex was very bitter that he ended up with only £2k after 6 yrs together. Because of this I vowed never to be financially linked to a man again. My partner pays me rent. I don't need it desperately but obviously it helps. I'm totally independent.

He's a great man, caring, loving, generous and very funny.i love him greatly even though he drives me mad! He helps around the house and will pay for extra shopping etc. His mum died when he was 18 and lost contact with his dad so he's had no real parental influence since then.

I know he wishes he could go on my mortgage but he although he works and has money in the bank he has no house of his own. I just don't want him on the mortgage. He understands this but it's definitely the elephant in the room sometimes.

When we have an argument or disagreement he will call himself 'just the lodger' and say ' I've paid my rent to the end of the month then I'll look for somewhere else' and often adds 'it's what you want' - I've never ever asked him to leave. I know he has self esteem issues and lacks confidence.

Afterwards he will apologise and say he's given up on many relationships but not this one. We laugh about it but I truly hate it. He proposed once (he was drunk so it doesn't count) and I've told him how can I marry someone who threatens to leave every time we have an argument.

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 26/03/2017 11:33

If he was my friend I'd advice him to leave you and build a secure future for himself.
You are obviously not as committed to him.
Sod paying someone else's mortgage.
Either he gets on the mortgage properly or he gets his own place.

ElspethFlashman · 26/03/2017 11:36

Yeah, he seriously seems to think he just has to shag someone for two years and he gets put on to their mortgage. Uhhhh....no.

And I'd definitely be saying that about a woman too. Actually we've had these threads from women in the boyfriend's position and the response is always "You were very naive if you thought someone was just going to hand over half their house or that you had any promise of ever having more rights than a lodger, just because you were In Wuv."

PoorYorick · 26/03/2017 11:41

I completely see where you're coming from but if you don't want any kind of financial/asset connection (and you don't have to) then I wonder if perhaps this is just not a cohabiting kind of relationship. Doesn't mean you have to split up but if you don't want that kind of commitment or to have kids together, perhaps this is a relationship that works best when you live separately.

SandyY2K · 26/03/2017 11:43

Next time he threatens to leave, tell him to go.

This ^^^

Bitchycocktailwaitress · 26/03/2017 11:43

Can you afford to put some of his rent into a savings fund? If you end up getting married it can go into the home, or towards a deposit on a larger place for you all. If you spilt up he's not left with nothing.

I can kind of see this guys point, even though he's being a bit of a dick about it.

PoorYorick · 26/03/2017 11:46

I can see his point in the sense that I really would be uncomfortable with my partner being my landlord. Not that I would deserve any of his assets just for being in a relationship with him, but I can see why that dynamic would make someone uneasy. I wouldn't do it, personally, if I had any other choice.

But of course OP isn't obliged to make the financial connection. But for that reason, I assume she isn't planning to marry him or have kids with him. Which makes me think that they might just do better living separately.

Astro55 · 26/03/2017 11:51

Also - assuming he has been living somewhere prior to him living with you? Did he rent flat share or own a property?

With a 13 year old daughter I'm assuming he's 40's or heading there!!

littlebeek · 26/03/2017 12:12

I'll be honest - I used to do this too I'm ashamed to say.
It comes from very low confidence and the hope that (at the time) my dp would beg me to stay and cave in on the argument - I know it's wrong but that's why I did it.
The best thing to do is don't cave in otherwise it's a downward spiral and never gets any better.

Original poster
BG2015 · 26/03/2017 12:29

Thanks for all your replies.

He's 52 and I'm 48 so there will be no more children. He would struggle to get a mortgage that he could afford at this point in his life. His ex kept their house and bought him out, but very little equity so not loads of money - certainly not enough to buy outright. Although he has talked about it. When I first met him he was renting a 2 bed flat for him and his daughter.

He moved in knowing that for the time being this was my house and I wanted security for myself and my kids. He saw what I went through when I was selling, it was a nightmare. I love the house I'm in so I certainly don't want to buy a house together elsewhere.

I saw a solicitor before he moved in and she gave me lots of advice. So I know where I stand legally.

I'm not wealthy by any means. I'm comfortable and the only asset I have is my house. He doesn't expect to 'get half my house'. But I know he would like some security.

Liitlebeek - I believe he says he's leaving for exactly the reasons you stated, he wants me to beg him to stay because of his insecurities.

I've tried to talk to him about how he could go onto the mortgage, what he would bring to the table, how we would divide things up if we split - it's very complicated and awkward. If I married him, he'd get half unless we drew up some sort of pre-nun, but at 48 I don't really see the need to get married.

I do appreciate hearing others viewpoints though and I can see how insecure he must feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
BG2015 · 26/03/2017 12:30

*pre-nup

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 26/03/2017 12:31

In a relationship I would threaten to leave not because of blackmail but due to feeling that there were no solutions, complete exasperation however I was with a stoneealler! Only when it was pointed out to me how it damages the relationship did I realise the impact so stopped.

Ask him not to say it and say if he does that you will take him at his word.I think it could be learned behaviour.

When the argument settles down you two need to talk.Don't give in on mortgage as your house is your security.You could get an agreement so house is owned in shares but it's actually more sensible for him to buy a separate place and rent it out.It gives you both the security you need.

Can he get a mortgage on his own?

moomin4071 · 26/03/2017 12:35

Don't marry him!
And as others have said next time he threatens tell him to do one! Personally I can't stand those kind of threats. Trot on mate!

PollyBanana · 26/03/2017 12:37

How often do you have rows?
That's pretty important

ElspethFlashman · 26/03/2017 12:40

Regardless of what % of the house he would own, it is likely that it would need to be sold should you break up.

Even if he only was legally entitled to 25% for example, you may not be able to afford to buy him out.

And it would be dreadful to have to sell the house you love to pay him off. The alternative would be to get a hefty loan that would take you years to pay off.

I see absolutely nothing in this for you except vulnerability.

I've tried to talk to him about how he could go onto the mortgage, what he would bring to the table, how we would divide things up if we split - it's very complicated and awkward

This also doesn't sound like he's exactly engaging with the discussion either. Let me guess, he gets huffy?

Mummydummy · 26/03/2017 12:46

I can see both sides as well.

If I was in your DP's position I would not like it at all. But as others say he could invest in another property or, at some suitable point you may need to decide whether you would buy a place together - that becomes both of yours. That would mean giving up on your independence, which I know you don't want to do, but it might be holding back the relationship on the next level of commitment and trust. Its hard. I've been divorced 10 years and have a house which I've taken over having paid off my XH. I have to admit it would be hard for me to let it go and sink my hard earned assets into a new relationship....

However, I absolutely hate anyone repeatedly saying its over and walking out. I had that in my last relationship and its not okay. I would not accept it myself. You need to sit down and talk all this stuff through - what are your plans and future looking like, what do you both want. But lay down the law on the walk outs and dramas - if he does it again I'd end it.

Original poster
BG2015 · 26/03/2017 13:18

I don't see the need to get married at 48. Although a tiny part of me loves the idea of being married, it's not necessary really.

We don't argue very often.

Elspeth - exactly, your post hits the nail on the head totally. My house is worth about £180k and I have £98k still on my mortgage with another 17 years to go. If he put £20k down, how on earth would we work out his share if we split 6 p, 7, 8 years down the line. What % would he be entitled to? With my exp we signed a declaration of trust which meant my equity was ring fenced - I ended up losing about £20k though because of the housing market situation and having to reduce the house in order to sell. I was in that house trying to sell for 16months, exp stopped paying the mortgage 8 months in and I had to get 2 lodgers in to afford my mortgage. I NEVER want to be in that situation again, it terrified me.

I don't want to have to extend my mortgage and borrow more.

And yes it may sound terrible that I'm predicting this relationship will fail, but once bitten....well twice actually.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 26/03/2017 13:24

Well £20k would get him 10% roughly of equity

Is it worth the risk for 10%?

He was renting before - did he ask the landlord for a share?

Joysmum · 26/03/2017 13:27

I think you're right to protect yourself.

I think you need to have a conversation about this whilst things are good. Tell him his continual threats to leave and referring to himself as the lodger every time you have a disagreement aren't acceptable and would he like to consider putting down a deposit on something he can afford and getting a lodger so he's on the property ladder too?

But whatever he says say that you will not put up with this attitude any more so he either needs to work through it and consider himself your partner, or if he can't he ships out.

ElspethFlashman · 26/03/2017 13:32

Exactly what are his reasons for wanting on your mortgage?

What would change for him?

Original poster
BG2015 · 26/03/2017 13:33

Astro, no I don't think it is. If he'd got property of his own it would be a totally different situation. But he doesn't and probably never will now.

He moved in knowing the situation. It was his choice. It isn't a regular conversation we have really about the mortgage, it's certainly not blackmail as some people have stated. He hasn't shagged me for 2 years either to get half the house - that comment made me laugh.

I've actually just tried to talk to him about it, asked him if he felt financially insecure living here...his reply, "I don't want to talk about it, it's how it is, it's fine" conversation over.

I give up.

OP posts:
annielouise · 26/03/2017 13:43

I can see your point and it's definitely what I'd be doing. But I can also see his side. It's not his true home and that can't ever feel good. I'm not surprised he feels insecure in terms of shelter long term, for him and his DD.

There's also some double standards on MN. It's a different response when the woman isn't on the deeds and is paying rent, especially if it's more than a token amount.

annielouise · 26/03/2017 13:46

I've also read threads where the responses are if a women in your DP's situation that he's not committing fully to you so LTB.

Joysmum · 26/03/2017 13:51

Given your last post, I'd call him on it and tell him if he sees himself as simply a lodger and isn't prepared to discuss options for him to get his own place for his own financial security then it is best you part as you want better from a relationship.

JennyHolzersGhost · 26/03/2017 14:01

I think it partly depends how much rent you're charging him. If you're charging him to cover the additional cost of him being there then fine and fair enough. If you're charging him a commercial rate then yeah I'd be pretty ticked off if I was him.

Can you just charge him costs and he can save the difference ? Then use it to buy a small property of his own when he's saved up enough for a deposit. He could get a buy to let mortgage on it which I don't think has such strict age constraints as a residential mortgage.

JennyHolzersGhost · 26/03/2017 14:02

If he won't engage in a meaningful financial discussion with you and just shuts down the conversation then that's a whole different problem and I'd suggest couples counselling to learn to really listen to each other.