Threatens to leave every time we have a row

[BG2015]

I've been with my partner for two and a half years. He moved in with me about a year ago. I have 2 older teenagers who both get on with him well. He has a 13 year old daughter who stays occasionally.

When I met him I was selling the jointly owned house I had with my ex partner, very acrimonious spilt. All of the equity in the house was mine and my ex was very bitter that he ended up with only £2k after 6 yrs together. Because of this I vowed never to be financially linked to a man again. My partner pays me rent. I don't need it desperately but obviously it helps. I'm totally independent.

He's a great man, caring, loving, generous and very funny.i love him greatly even though he drives me mad! He helps around the house and will pay for extra shopping etc. His mum died when he was 18 and lost contact with his dad so he's had no real parental influence since then.

I know he wishes he could go on my mortgage but he although he works and has money in the bank he has no house of his own. I just don't want him on the mortgage. He understands this but it's definitely the elephant in the room sometimes.

When we have an argument or disagreement he will call himself 'just the lodger' and say ' I've paid my rent to the end of the month then I'll look for somewhere else' and often adds 'it's what you want' - I've never ever asked him to leave. I know he has self esteem issues and lacks confidence.

Afterwards he will apologise and say he's given up on many relationships but not this one. We laugh about it but I truly hate it. He proposed once (he was drunk so it doesn't count) and I've told him how can I marry someone who threatens to leave every time we have an argument.

She has two kids to look after! Why would she jeopardise their security for some man ?

He was renting before he met her . It's not like he sold his house to move into hers, and it's not as if he's given up his career to raise their kids.

I completely understand your need to protect your home OP, but I can see that this isn't a good situation for your DP.

You're essentially giving him a choice: live with me, pay me rent but never gain any security or don't live with me so that you can put your money into your own security.

I think that's quite tough and I know I wouldn't be happy paying rent to live in a partner's house, helping them to pay off their mortgage, whilst I'm not investing in anything.

How much "rent" does he pay OP?

My partner pays me a sum equal to half the bills which is £250. The bills he contributes toward do not include any aspect of the property ownership i.e. he doesn't pay towards the maintenance or ground rent (leasehold flat). Perhaps if your partner pays a similar amount you could call it a contribution to bills rather than rent, which has quite different implications and expectations.

I'm divorced and renting currently, looking to buy a house soon if I can get a mortgage as a single person. I have 2 kids with whom I share residency with their dad.

I have a boyfriend of 3 years who is great but I will never tie myself to financially because you just never know how things will work out and if I buy a house with him, if we split up my kids and I will be in a difficult position and probably have to sell/move.

If i buy a house alone he can live there cheaply if he likes but I would never live anywhere I couldn't afford 100% alone, coz that's me and my kids' future security. So he can accept that or not basically. And as he's younger than me the lack of responsibility suits him fine too. If that changes in the future, he can buy a place to let, or we can split up and he can find someone else to buy a place with if it's so important to him.

I think your DP is being completely unreasonable if he expects any claim on your house, you've only been together 2 years which is fuck all really. I'd let him go if he says that one more time.

I totally agree with you OP. Just amazes me the responses, that are so different. Read countless posts on here, where this is reversed & the man is being unreasonable/all money is family money & other diatribe.
You are so right though OP, he knew the score when he moved in

He gives me £100 a week and that includes food. In his flat he was paying £550 a month rent plus bills.

I reckon about £60 of his rent per month goes towards my mortgage. So I could reduce it and say it's half of the bills. I don't know if that would make him feel any better.

I don't think he wants a claim on my house per se - I think he just wants to feel secure, and that we're committed.- which we are, but having a joint mortgage is a bigger comitment. I believe he feels secondary in many ways. He just wants to be included in something that most people don't think twice about. There's no malice, blackmail or anything sinister going on here. He just wants us to be equal.

I know if I agreed to marry him he'd be over the moon. He's never been married (I have). Not for the financial gain but for the commitment it would show. He tells me he's never known love until he met me.

Unfortunately I'm terrified of becoming financially linked to anyone. A divorce and then an awful relationship spilt have made me so.

My DH has similar parental issues to yours and also used to do this! We've been together for 10 years. I was only 22 when we met and in the beginning my response to him saying he was going to leave would be to cry/beg him to stay. Drama drama drama. It was only when I got older and wiser and became indifferent to his childish threats that he stopped doing it

I don't understand why he's paying you rent?

I get everything else. Do not marry him, do not put him on the mortgage - seriously.

But I don't get why he's paying you rent rather than half the bills? It's just weird. You share a bed with him and he's paying you rent? For his 400 quid a month, he gets half a bedroom but for 550 he got a 2 bedroom? How much even is your mortgage? You're making a complete fool of him.

I wouldn't be bothered living with someone without being on their mortgage but there would be no fucking way I'd be subsidizing their living costs to do so. I'd pay half my costs but I wouldn't pay rent. I'd use the rent to put in savings so that if we split I had somewhere to live!!

Don't you want him to be financially secure? Do you want to make sure that if you split, he's homeless and assetless?

Well if they had been together for decades AND they were his kids AND he had taken family leave and then gone PT to bring up their kids then yes, the responses would different. .

Which is the usual situation you refer to NAze.

It may suprise you, but many posters on MN are actually quite intelligent and are able to tailor their responses to the actual post and not just react to the presumed sex of the OP ( I'm not sure if OP actually said they were female, you are just assuming that because her partner is male ).

You both seem relatively happy together so I would recommend you go to joint therapy to discuss the emotional issues behind the insecurities - it will improve life for both of you!

Longer term you could look at a buy to let - just a studio flat even. Could he save more to make it possible?

Also in a way he is outnumbered 3 of you as a unit plus him. Your house, your traditions and he's tagged on more recently?

Apple have you even read any of my previous posts.

He chose to move in with me, I haven't forced him. Rent is a word - it describes the money he gives me to live here. I don't like the word personally. Half the bills is about £340 a month, we just rounded it up to £400.

If he doesn't like it he can quite happily leave. I paid to decorate and sort out the spare room for his daughter, I also feed her every weekend.

It's much cheaper and nicer living here than in his flat, believe me.

Maybe you could just change the name of the payment and call it a contribution to the bills and food for him and his DD? Would that make everyone feel better?

Then he can take the rent that he was paying in his flat and put it towards some kind of savings , like a pension.

If he's 52 and hasn't got any kind of financial security, that's a shame. But it's not exactly your fault.

Sounds like you've halved his living costs if he's giving you £400 a month and was paying £550 rent plus bills before (i.e. with council tax and bills probably it would add up to £800). Why can't he therefore save this £400 a month and get a deposit on a small flat that he rents out? It would be a plan that would surely make him feel more secure long term? How much does he earn (if it's not too nosy)? How much are one bed flats round your way? I know he still has a DD that's still living at home but if it came to it in the future she could have the bedroom when she visits him and he sleeps on the sofa. He only needs a one bed.

I suppose what I'm asking is it feasible he could get a mortgage for a one bed after saving a small deposit?

It's not your fault he's in a worse off financial situation than you are. I've gone through what you've gone through - lost a flat due to repossession in the 1990 because of ex not paying the mortgage after I left even though I gave him my share, helped out another ex with money. I have now bought and won't be giving allowing any man access to it if I met someone. I've been burnt and don't have the time left now to recover financially if it were to happen again.

Two and a half years is no time at all when you're both in the position of having kids. He knew the situation when he moved in. He's 52, not 12, his confidence issue is his and he needs to own it and do something about it, not expect other adults to dance round it or sort it out. Ditto his financial security. It's not your fault and you'd be a fool to put him on your mortgage or tie yourself financially to him because you don't want to.

Kr1stina has come up with the same idea. At least it would make him feel he is working towards some kind of asset.

Given the reduced rent he's paying, he should be comfortable saving monthly. Surely he can scrape together the deposit for a small property over time? You have mentioned that his previous partner bought him out, so he must have some savings?

I don't like the childish response he gave to you when you tried to discuss it mind you. That would annoy me!

'If he doesn't like it he can quite happily leave. I paid to decorate and sort out the spare room for his daughter, I also feed her every weekend.

It's much cheaper and nicer living here than in his flat, believe me.'

Seriously, fuck calling it a contribution or helping him feather a pension or nest egg or what have you. That is what you do with a teenager, not a 52-year-old man with a teenager himself! What's he doing to improve his financial security now he doesn't pay out as much in rent and bills? No one ever asks that, just gives suggestions on how you can sort him out. You already are by reducing his costs by about £100/month.

So yeah, next time he trots that out, then you tell him, 'If that's the way you feel, it's best you go back to renting your own place.'

I did think that expat - why we coming up with solutions. He's 52! Why hasn't he put together his own solution.

Couldn't agree more expat . The bloke won't even talk about it - how is it the OPs responsibility to make him feel better/get him on the property ladder?

Fuck that. If he's unhappy, let HIM come up with a fair solution.

I've just gone through my bills. I've divided them into 4 (except Council tax which I've halved) as I'm paying for 3.

his share of the bills would roughly come to about £200 a month, so I'm way off with my calculations. I must have halved everything last time when I worked it out.

Do I ask him to change what he pays me to £200 in the hope that he saves and tries to buy a property somewhere.

He's saving a ton of money from what he used to pay if he agrees. My friend used to charge her partner £700 a month rent and said he was getting a bargain! No wonder they aren't still together!

There are two different things going on:

• the house
• your emotional commitment to each other

You need to treat them separately, and get him to as well.

1. No, don't risk your house. On the other hand, he isn't securing his own future while paying towards a house he'll never own. So tell him that's his problem and ask him how he plans to solve it. If he was bought out of a property previously, what happened to that money? why didn't he buy again? He could buy a small BTL place now and still live with you.

It isn't possible to tell from this thread whether he is genuinely expecting to have rights to your place and kicking off because of that (in which case he is a dick); or reacting emotionally to his down disquiet in himself that he hasn't got his own property sorted and he feels he should (in which case you don't deserve to be the whipping boy). Sit down and talk about this and say you won't tolerate these angry digs and hints. Act as a counsellor or sounding board (a friend) for him to think about how he can solve this but DO NOT share your house.

1. The emotional commitment: every time he says "I'm going" he's chipping away at the bond you are gradually building. It's a dick move, unless he is actually leaving. And even if he is, he has no need to be horrible about it.

How long did you see each other before he moved in?
Whose idea was it?

Would you consider asking him to leave but still continuing the relationship? It might clarify things. If he is going to regard that as a deal breaker it would make me think hard about what a relationship means to him and what "job" a woman is supposed to play in his life. Mutterings about "not even living together" and "what's the point of being in a relationship when I don't get x y z" might surface. I might be misjudging him of course. If I ever hear any crap like that again in my life, that guy won't see me for dust. Maybe yours isn't one of those.

If he leaves, pulls himself together, and your relationship develops, you might consider doing something with him in the future. Say you sold your place and he bought into a new, bigger place, but you didn't get married AND you saw a solicitor and totally protected your equity. That could work - if you could buy an equivalent place to the place you have now in the event of a split. Something like that might be an ok basis to live with someone on. Not just giving them half your house. FFS.

"He just wants to be included in something that most people don't think twice about. "

this is ringing massive alarm bells for me - the mention of "most people". the most using, useless, whiny men I have ever had anything to do with have often referred to "other people" while making out I owe them everything I have. I would never argue (because I am a feeble idiot) but in my head I would be thinking "but the men who get all these things from their girlfriends probably work, pay for things, buy presents and / or take their women out now and again, not sit on the sofa smoking dope watching the Simpsons on VHS, whining about the world owing you a living".