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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is ringing the doorbell non stop. Should I call police?

57 replies

Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 02:37

I'm scared, should I call police?

OP posts:
theothercatpurred · 26/03/2017 07:43

Also I agree with the others It's a perfectly reasonable question given the context.

bloodymaria · 26/03/2017 07:45

I was begging for forgiveness
You really didn't need to do that, you did nothing wrong. His behaviour is atrocious, whether or not he is sleeping with other people (and honey, it sounds like he is).

Don't let him back in to your home or your life.

Berthatydfil · 26/03/2017 07:45

You were NOT out of order.

The likelihood is that he has had some kind of relationship with that girl, and was pissed off with you for asking about it.

Ok if you were separated then both of you could be dating or picking up people in bars etc and it's not necessarily cheating, if you had an understanding that might happen.

What he should have said to her was "x this is my wife we are separated but trying again, I'm on a date with her so can't talk now. " And then told you the truth about her to you. It might not have been nice but it would have been honest.

But no he tried to damage the taxi, took your keys, drove off and left you locked out, verbally abused the friend who helped you and then came home and repeatedly rang your door bell. None of that was your fault.

Op you should reconsider getting back with him.

He sounds like an abusive gas lighting arsehole and you should carry on leaving TB.

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 07:45

I'm never going to be happy, I feel so low, everyone thinks I'm so strong but it's all a pretence

OP posts:
theothercatpurred · 26/03/2017 07:46

"He feels like I don't give a shit about him".

Perhaps you shouldn't give a shit about him given his treatment of you and he knows it.

Does he often make you feel guilty to get you to be nice to him?

theothercatpurred · 26/03/2017 07:49

Prosecco you will be happy again I promise Flowers

You're in a destructive situation and that's the despair speaking. I remember it well. But it's not the truth. When you get free of this man and start to recover from this you will feel happy again, even if it seems impossible now.

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 07:55

My life is a fucking mess

I've got to pick my dc up in 2 hours, I don't want to do this anymore. I've never understood how people feel suicidal before but now I'm starting to think it would be easier than living like this.

I know I'm pathetic but I love him and now he won't want me anymore

OP posts:
Gallavich · 26/03/2017 07:59

He shut you out of the house first Hmm

This story reminds me of a horrendous 'date night' my ex and I had when we were trying to get back together. Both got too drunk, horrible things were said. Walking through town arguing with each other in the rain. I never want to be in that situation again. What does it tell you about how toxic your relationship is?

NorksAreMessy · 26/03/2017 07:59

I think you might start to see that this charming man is not good enough for you.
You have had a chance to properly split for good.
Every time you waver, just think of this night and how it made you feel. You should never have to beg forgiveness for something like this. BEG?

You are strong, you have children, you can get through this.
We will be here to support you

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 08:00

I know, I just want to fix it.

OP posts:
skerrywind · 26/03/2017 08:01

You both sound about 17 OP.

skerrywind · 26/03/2017 08:02

Time to grow up.

tribpot · 26/03/2017 08:04

You asked him a question.

He could have said 'as we're separated, that's none of your business. Now, shall we get back to our date night?'. Instead he:

  • told you to go fuck yourself
  • walked off and left you
  • tried to force himself into your taxi
  • threatened to kick the door in
  • waited outside your house, snatched your key and then locked you out
  • called you to verbally abuse you whilst you were at your friend's house
  • called you, rang the bell and knocked on the windows for the rest of the night once you had returned home.

Why on earth did you not call the police?

Why do you think this is your fault?

Why would you want to get back together with someone who is such a twat?

CalmItKermitt · 26/03/2017 08:04

I wouldn't bother. He sounds absolutely horrible.

NorksAreMessy · 26/03/2017 08:08

But WHY do you want to fix this?
Are you hoping to go back in time to when it was all roses and sweetness, because after this night, that ship has sailed. There is no going back

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 08:19

I know there is no going back, I think that's why I feel such despair , the decision has been taken out of my hands.

I want to fix it because
he has good points,
I want to be a family
I love him
I'm scared to be alone
I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else
We have 4 dc
We have built a life together
When things are good it's good

OP posts:
cordeliavorkosigan · 26/03/2017 08:21

Don't fix it! Ensure that it gets out of your life forever. You will be so much happier. What a dick. An aggressive nasty dick. Would you want your daughter to be with an asshole like that? You deserve to live better than that, alone or with someone kind.

CalmItKermitt · 26/03/2017 08:24

Most of your reasons are pretty lame tbh.

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 08:27

Yep

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 26/03/2017 08:27

You can't keep hanging on, waiting for the good times OP.
You are in a difficult place at the moment, but everything in life, comes to pass.
As for him being with someone else, he won't treat them any better.
You have built a life together, but the foundations don't appear to be very solid.
You deserve so much more. If you accept dregs, that is what you will get.
I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to get through to you.

Original poster
Proseccoisthenewlambrini · 26/03/2017 08:28

Thanks for being there mumsnet, it is helping, I just feel so shit.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 26/03/2017 08:29

He's a dangerous arsehole OP. You shouldn't want to be with him because you're scared of being alone, it should be because he enriches your life rather than terrorises it. A positive choice, not a negative one. Your kids deserve better.

Gallavich · 26/03/2017 08:30

he has good points
So did hitler probably. Nobody is 100% horrible.
I want to be a family
Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot be the family we wanted to be. Wanting doesn't make it so.
I love him
Again, wishful thinking. Loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you should be in a relationship with them. Sometimes we love people who are toxic and we have to make a decision to end the toxic relationship whilst acknowledging that we still feel love.
I'm scared to be alone
Better alone than in a toxic relationship. Honestly. And being alone isn't as bad as you think.
I can't stand the thought of him being with someone else
Not a reason to stay with him.
We have 4 dc
Who deserve a calm and safe home free from toxicity and abuse
We have built a life together
And sometimes things have to end.
When things are good it's good
See point one

Ratbagcatbag · 26/03/2017 08:33

Your reasons are not lame Hmm
They are perfectly valid for you and I completely understand them. It's tough when you're in the middle of it and it is scary to make that decision.

You can build a happy separate life from him and then you don't have to rely on the when it's good, it's good bit, this is in your control and you won't be walking on egg shells.

I agree with others who said he completely overreacted and made you feel miserable and resort to begging rather than calmly deal with your question.

You will get through it if you choose to continue with the separation, but it will be hard for a while, however you will never have to put up with anyone making any comments such as go fuck yourself again.

Ratbagcatbag · 26/03/2017 08:35

Cross posted with gallavich who put it much better than me.