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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband insults me

91 replies

user1490207478 · 25/03/2017 22:18

Dear Ladies


I really hope someone can listen and help because my heart is crushing.


I've been married just over a year now.. I knew my husband had quite a sexual past but I never knew this would impact our relationship until we got married. I also never knew the extent of it until I recently found some old sex videos on an old USB he's forgotten about. It seemed to me he had a certain taste in women and was rather adventurous in bed, a side I've never seen.. which upsets me deeply.


I'm 23 y/o, 5ft 3 and size 8. Far from overweight and have a small frame, I do have big boobs and no defined waist..whatever little wobbly bits goes to my stomach so my bum is not big nor do I have wide hips.


My husband knew this and still married me.. everything was lovey dovey during engagement.
However since we got married, he keeps insulting and really hurting me saying things such as: "you're a strange female..never seen someone with no hips" "how are you going to carry a baby with no hips, the baby will get crushed" "I don't think you even have a womb" "you have the body of a 12 y/o" "you ain't got no bum" "alright pancake" "alright hippie (sarcastically implying I don't have wide hips)" "alright so tell me the truth do you think you can carry a baby? Where will it go?" "You're disabled with that bone structure not to have wide hips" "you're deformed" "why don't you have curves?" These are said on a regular.. It's killing me. I can't wear anything that is a little tight without him commenting about my body shape (how much he dislikes it), therefore I avoid anything that reveals my body at all costs and go more for wider and looser clothes. And I do tell him that he is far from perfect himself and needs to stop trying to make me feel like I'm abnormal when I'm perfectly healthy, active and also have a pretty face (!).


My husband is 25 y/o &yesterday said to me "You're old as fu**", I wish when in 50 you could be 40". I don't know what's wrong with him, I look a few years younger than him anyways as I'm small. I've seen relationships where the wife is older if anything and it's beautifully perfect. He is not happy about our 2 yrs difference. He seems to have all these fake standard perceptions that society has set of what a perfect woman is meant to look & be like.. the typical "Kardashian" fake body. He has knocked my confidence and self esteem big time. I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror without all his comments running through my mind.


Every woman wants (&needs) to feel the most sexy and beautiful by the man she loves, and I feel nothing but the opposite. I've tried speaking to him. He is cuddly and says things such as I could never lose you etc. Everything is so contradictory.


I'm the one always initiating sex and I had a fight with him about it and in the heat of the moment he said because you need to sort your body out. And I realised his brain is wired to all the sex and women he's been with.. and I can never fit that criteria or feel good enough. I am constantly feeling bullied and I wonder why he married me. I love him dearly but his hurtful insults about my looks and my femininity is killing me inside and causing a shield where I can't be myself or even wear a tight vest or feel confident during sex. I have considered fat transplant to get wider hips and bigger bum and a super flat stomach, just don't have the money yet.
Sorry about the long message but I have nobody to talk to about this as it is extremely personal and also embarrassing.. Please help. What would you do in my position? From a heartbroken unhappy girl..X









OP posts:
QuiteLikely5 · 26/03/2017 10:34

Ask him why he gets such pleasure from verbally attacking you?

Ask him why he feels threatened by your femininity?

He's abusive and always will be. Very dysfunctional individual and he's projecting that into you.

Please understand he can't be cured and you should not hope he will change.

Run while you still can

AlecTrevelyan006 · 26/03/2017 10:35

LTB

Lweji · 26/03/2017 10:35

He's setting you up for a life of abuse. It's no wonder it started mostly after you got married.

Don't have a child with him. Get out now. Asap.

frieda909 · 26/03/2017 10:39

You are seriously considering expensive and painful surgery to alter your body just so that your husband will stop picking on you. No, no, no. That is so sad and wrong. And even if you did somehow manage to sculpt yourself into a more pleasing body time, you know he still won't stop bullying you because you can't magically make yourself ten years younger than him.

Stop. Just stop. This is NOT what being married is meant to feel like! You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Get out of there.

RandomMess · 26/03/2017 10:39

File for divorce for his abuse towards you, sooner the better Flowers

PoorYorick · 26/03/2017 10:44

OP, it's only in The Little Mermaid that getting extreme body modification to please a dimwit makes you happy. Just get out. You're 23 for fuck's sake, you can have anything. Like I said to a 24 year old on here recently who was also married to a turd, the only time you should be putting up with this is if you're 98, sweeping the floor with your chin hairs and every other man and chimpanzee in the world is dead.

Just get out, for fuck's sake. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me. I've already got a kid and I don't want him growing up in a world where this Darwinian nightmare has reproduced. Make the world a better place and leave.

user1489226029 · 26/03/2017 10:52

That is awful you poor thing nobody should be spoken to like that. I would run for the hills and one day be with somebody who appreciates you and treats you right.

Lessthanaballpark · 26/03/2017 10:59

the only time you should be putting up with this is if you're 98, sweeping the floor with your chin hairs and every other man and chimpanzee in the world is dead

Grin
KittyWindbag · 26/03/2017 11:17

He's an abusive man, his derision of you is designed to break your self esteem and confidence so that he has complete control.

You're 23. You don't need to live like this for the rest of your life. Leave him. He's horrid.

bobs123 · 26/03/2017 11:33

OP are you ok? When I posted something not too dissimilar back in MN's early days only one person posted as bluntly as all the other posters here, and it was tough to read (but thanks AF!). So you must be feeling overwhelmed. Only you can make this decision, but hopefully reading everyone's posts will help xx

Msqueen33 · 26/03/2017 11:35

DO NOT STAY WITH THIS MAN!

He's showing you his true colours. Do not let divorce scare you! This man will end up destroying you. Bringing a child in will make things so so much worse.

SandyY2K · 26/03/2017 11:40

Have you ever asked him why he married you, if he continues to insult you like this?

Honestly... I'd divorce him. You're young, you don't have kids with him... Just leave him, or his abuse... Yes it's abusive behaviour will grind you down.

Why do you put up with it?

Lweji · 26/03/2017 11:43

the only time you should be putting up with this is if you're 98, sweeping the floor with your chin hairs and every other man and chimpanzee in the world is dead
And you are deaf and can't hear him. Wink

PoorYorick · 26/03/2017 11:43

It's astonishing the shit that beautiful young women will put up with from revolting pig dog men. It's almost as if some men are worried that they will realise how much power they do in fact have....

SandyY2K · 26/03/2017 11:52

the only time you should be putting up with this is if you're 98, sweeping the floor with your chin hairs and every other man and chimpanzee in the world is dead

Love it.

And added to that... You'd still be better off on your own with a vibrator.

rollonthesummer · 26/03/2017 11:56

Get out now-what an abusive arse.

rightknockered · 26/03/2017 11:57

Just pack your bags and leave. Don't tell him you're going. Just go.
He will only try to persuade you and will try to confuse you with all his cuddling up and saying that he'll never leave you.

MistyMeena · 26/03/2017 12:02

If you had a friend who was this nasty to you, would you stay friends?

You are his wife, you should get the best of him. This is not what love looks like. He does not love you.

Run for the hills and FFS don't look back.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2017 12:04

It's also classic abuser behaviour op. Insulting you then telling you later he loves you and couldn't be without you. That's not going to change. There is no magic pill to take that will stop him being an abuser. Its who he is.

And do you know what all the abused women say who stay, who have been ground down to the level they are barely human anymore? But I love him.

Go. Now.

Billybonkers76 · 26/03/2017 12:05

OP I hop you are reading and listening and taking on board all these posts. You have to get out before he breaks you!

Hulder · 26/03/2017 12:08

This is not what marriage should be like.

You are 23 and gorgeous. Your DH has in no way had to struggle to marry someone with a body like yours - he should be thinking you bloody lucky he is.

Instead of you initiating sex with him so he can denigrate you, you should be with someone who loves you for you and wants to have sex with you.

FWIW when I got married I was 40 and obese with a hairy chin. DH has never mentioned any of the above as we love each other. This is what you are entitled to as a bare minimum in a relationship.

Can you say what you love about your husband? As he doesn't sound loveable and he sure as hell doesn't love you.

TurnipCake · 26/03/2017 12:10

Darling, you need to get out of this. Your husband is abusive.

You have an entire life ahead of you to be happy, and you will be, but you need to get out of this.

Where is your support network? Do you have family and friends you can go to?

Gingerbreadlass · 26/03/2017 12:22

What saudadeObama has said rings true.

There is something inherently wrong with your husband, it is 💯 him, not you, darling.

You are young and beautiful and most importantly: healthy. Just as you are. We come in all shapes and sizes and if you love somebody you'll appreciate them just as they are.

It makes me sad to think that young women try and emulate that "Kardashian" body and the fake looks they present to the world. Google their before and after pictures and you'll see that these are women who have gone to considerable lengths to get their looks. They do not represent females at all, they're just a product of their own imagination. Aided by skilled surgeons I may add.

Please do not have children with this man and please consider leaving him.

I bet you £1k that even if you did have surgery he would then pick on something else or torment you for having surgery in the first place. Has he ever abused or belittled you in front of others? He sounds like a classic abuser that won't stop until he has you (emotionally) in pieces.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 26/03/2017 12:25

You might not have big hips but you certainly have a large arse.
Sadly you're married to him.

Get out while you can before there are children to consider.

FuzzyFelt14 · 26/03/2017 12:39

Divorce is the only thing to do. You are newly married and his behaviour is appalling now, it will not get better with time. Does anyone else know how he speaks to you or is it just when you are alone? Could you do some recordings, they may be useful if he denies/minimises what he has said.

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