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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what my therapist said...

56 replies

lilolenny · 21/03/2017 13:11

Currently seeing a therapist who offers CBT style counselling. I have been going through a lot lately, both in career and family. I listed things that were bothering me and gave them to my therapist, many of which included needing more help with the running of the house and all of the thoughts I have about this.
My therapist said that I was making mountains out of mole hills, "do they really matter in the grand scheme of things?" This was a few weeks ago. It has really played on my mind since. These things are v important to me and bother me hugely. It shocks me that women can work so hard these days and men still deem domestic duties as a purely feminine role. My therapist told me that this is the same in most households and not to get too tied up about it.
What are everyone else's thoughts?

OP posts:

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 21/03/2017 13:29

Change your therapist.

If it's important to you, it should be a focus. Little annoyances soon build up to big problems if you don't deal with them. I think anyhow.

JoJoSM2 · 21/03/2017 13:34

What is it that bothers you exactly? What were the mountains out of molehills? If you are bothered by the division of domestic duties, can't you just sort it out with your husband?

JoJoSM2 · 21/03/2017 13:38

Ineedmorelemonpledge, not necessarily. E.g. I'm very particular about how I like towels hung on the towel rail or the exact angles and position of cushions on the bed. I don't like DH to leave shower gel on shampoo on the bath so he puts it away every day. Very kindly, he gets the cushions and towels just right although finds it a right faff. If a therapist told me that I was making mountains out of molehills over these things, I think they would be 100% correct.

Offred · 21/03/2017 13:39

The whole point of CBT IMO is to gloss over your issues by telling you you have to think differently about them... try a new therapist and maybe a different style and do something about your husband not sharing the domestic crap.

Ellisandra · 21/03/2017 13:43

I think that 'most households' are irrelevant, ehether that's true or not.

I think it's a really bad sign about your fit with this therapist that you have stewed on this for weeks and not brought it back up with them.

I tend towards thinking it was wrong of your therapist to say these things are small, but... I wasn't in the conversation, and might not take the same view if it was in context of trying to prioritise the biggest issues.

Ellisandra · 21/03/2017 13:44

What actually is the problem with your split of domestic duties?
And why can't you tell your husband that from now on you're making a fairer split?
I'd say therapy should be more about why you aren't able to sort it out, rather than opinion on how everyone else splits it.

Yoshimihere · 21/03/2017 13:45

I think feeling like you pick up all the "women's work" is not insignificant and your feelings about it are valid.

I think what matters more though is that it sounds like you feel dismissed. You should be able to tell your therapist that and talk together. I've had a couple of occasions ify feeling unhappy about how therapy has gone. I've spoken to my therapist and those occasions have always helped us move forward and work better together.

It's ok to get challenged in therapy and learn how to think differently. But i think you need to feel heard and understood first. And you need to "get" each other.

Isadora2007 · 21/03/2017 13:47

Maybe a talking style person centred counsellor would be better for you.
I'd be asking why those "little things" were important to you. In what ways do they seem big to you? Etc.

user1479305498 · 21/03/2017 13:52

I think you do sound a little OCD to be honest with a bit of control freakery in there. I lived with someone like this once and this kind of thing is why he is an ex. It ended up that he couldnt "bear" pots ever or washing up being there for for more than 30 minutes and wanted to eat off paper plates and use disposable cutlery and glasses etc. This was my point to say "byyeee" . I think the therapist was correct but I maybe wouldnt have phrased it like that!!

QuarterMileAtATime · 21/03/2017 15:01

Is it possible you are getting the OP mixed up with another poster's examples, User? If not, I must have missed a post from the OP...

Billybonkers76 · 21/03/2017 15:07

The towels hung on the rails at exactly the right angle? That is a little thing in the grand scheme of things, I agree with your therapist. Plus, if you want the shampoo and shower gel put away after every shower I'd say to do it your self. It's not like he's left them open, spilling all over the shower tray.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/03/2017 15:09

'Does this really matter' is part of CBT. It's supposed to help you stop catastrophising (sp?) over small issues. EG if you are the kind of person who can't let a mistake go at work and worries all weekend that you're going to be fired on Monday, 'does this really matter' may help you get the issue into proportion.

If your thoughts about home work have become obsessive or intrusive then perhaps that's a good technique for getting them under control. If in fact your H is a lazy barsteward and you are at the end of your rope with that then of course you should deal with that situation, and if you need your therapist's help with that then their views on gender equality are completely irrelevant.

Either way, you don't sound like a great fit together (you and therapist) so change - it's much more common than you think to 'shop around' till you find someone that suits you.

Billybonkers76 · 21/03/2017 15:09

Doh! I can't read properly, I thought it was the OP who wrote that. Ignore ignore ignore!

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/03/2017 15:10

It's not OP who hangs the towels at exactly the right angles people!

StiginaGrump · 21/03/2017 15:10

I think you have misread User?

Your therapist sounds shit tbh... but then a copy of wife work as a farewell gift

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/03/2017 15:10

Xpost

FatOldBag · 21/03/2017 15:12

You need a new therapist. Firstly your concerns are valid, you shouldn't have to swallow taking on an unfair share of tasks and the lack of appreciation that comes with. Secondly, they're a fucking therapist, do they really think you want to throw money away every week by going to them with problems only for them to tell you they aren't problems? Don't give the bugger any more of your time or money.

MsStricty · 21/03/2017 15:21

This. Offred has it.

I am totally, unapologetically biased when I say that, apart from a limited number of specific issues, CBT is bullshit. It does nothing, and peer-reviewed long-term studies have shown a near-100% relapse rate in symptomatology.

Get a new therapist, and a new form of therapy - one that probably won't offer short-term results, but will have a far profounder impact and effect.

FatLittleWombat · 21/03/2017 15:29

I agree with Offred And MsStricty, CBT is a waste of time and money. It deals with the symptoms and not the actual problems. CBT usually takes less time than other types of therapy, and as always in life quick fixes don't really work. I'd get a person centred therapist, but be prepared to spend a lot of time and money if you really want to feel better. A decent non-CB therapist would never have dismissed your issues like that, they would have talked about them without judging (and saying that it's all nothing in the big scheme of things is a judgement).

HumpMeBogart · 21/03/2017 15:31

As others have said, I think your therapist was trying to get you to view the situation with perspective (i.e. would this still bother you in a year if you thought about it?)

If you handed her a list, she's probably trying to work out which are the major problems that bother you every day / impact your life / need to be discussed as a priority, and which are more minor niggles.

If it's a big deal to you and you can't view it as something that just 'happens in a lot of households', you need to tell her how much of an issue it is for you.

If she still can't understand why it bothers you, then you need a new therapist.

I'm not a therapist but I've had decades of CBT (which has worked well for me). The most important thing is to trust her. If you can't trust that she understands why you're unhappy, it's not going to work.

Rimmerworld · 21/03/2017 15:35

I think CBT is excellent, it has definitely worked for me.

Theworldisfullofidiots · 21/03/2017 15:39

My caveat is I'm not that keen on cbt....

Your therapist appears from what you said to be judgemental and very directive. Therapists are meant to help you understand issues and causes and help you develop and work through strategies using a range of techniques.
How did you find this therapist?

JamieLannistersFuckButler · 21/03/2017 15:53

Billybonkers

The towels on the rails was JoJoSM2 giving an example, NOT the OP's example.

user1479305498 · 21/03/2017 15:58

apologies, I clearly didnt concentrate and was looking at the lady whose towels and cushions have to be at the right angles!!

Reow · 21/03/2017 16:03

It deals with the symptoms and not the actual problems

Agree with the pp above.

It's a quick fix for, example, symptoms of anxiety caused by specific situations. Not therapy for people who have complex longstanding issues. I have been told this by my GP, my eventual therapist, and a friend of mind who is a CBT therapist!

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