what my therapist said...

[lilolenny]

Currently seeing a therapist who offers CBT style counselling. I have been going through a lot lately, both in career and family. I listed things that were bothering me and gave them to my therapist, many of which included needing more help with the running of the house and all of the thoughts I have about this.
My therapist said that I was making mountains out of mole hills, "do they really matter in the grand scheme of things?" This was a few weeks ago. It has really played on my mind since. These things are v important to me and bother me hugely. It shocks me that women can work so hard these days and men still deem domestic duties as a purely feminine role. My therapist told me that this is the same in most households and not to get too tied up about it.
What are everyone else's thoughts?

Part of cbt is to challenge existing thoughts to look for distortions such as making mountains out of molehills, seeing things in black and white, catastrophising, mind reading or accentuating negatives whilst ignoring positives. However, it's also to understand how you react to situations in terms of your thoughts and how this plays out in your emotions, physical reactions and behaviour. Depending on your personal style, you might uncover any type of change you want to make. E.g if you think your partner doesn't love you when they don't help, feel depressed about this, eventually explode and feel terrible when no one helps you in the household and then end up doing the work anyway- you might want to explore assertiveness. You might want to explore what happens when you ask for help. It might be linked to self worth.

Sorry posted too soon. I don't think your therapist should be telling you you're overreacting without exploring a lot more about your situation.

I think it depends on the context and how it was said.

Sometimes a therapist will ask a question to make you consider a differrent viewpoint or challenge your thinking.

You could have responded with, yes it matters, or no, thinking about it, I suppose it's not that important.

How would the session have gone if you had been adamant that it was important to you?

I'm with Offred

Tell her you aren't a good fit, won't be coming back and if she makes noises about payment in lieu of notice period - tell her you are ordering her a copy of 'Wifework'

In fact order one for yourself while you're at it too..

You need a proper therapist. When you've found the right one you'll know. Because you'll feel 'heard'.

What, exactly, does your therapist think you're making too much of?

Thanks all. The problem I guess is that I really rated my therapist before this. However there have been a couple of things said in terms of me bending over and changing my views on things usually regarding feminist type stuff.
I have read wife work... thanks though! Call me judgemental but I do find that the older generation of women appear much more accepting of the lack of equality between sexes. The lack of equality really makes my blood boil so found the message they gave me a bit of an insult to be honest.

I do think housework is a tiny issue in life, and if that is what is really big to you, then she is maybe right that you are making mountains out of molehills?

it's hard to say because we don't have context.

For example i used to have massive anxiety about being late for things (which i never am).

My therapist said to me once "so what if you are late". You good take that as dismissive etc.

But i actually found it helpful - every time i went anywhere and stressed i would be late i thought "so what".

Could she have been trying t help you like that? you need to bring it up with her.

If you previously rated her then I'd bring this up with her directly. If she's a good therapist she'll take on board what you've said - and why. If she's your average CBT therapist then you may find that the response is notons you're comfortable with and you need someone different.

And I also agree with Offred and Ms. It can be a useful tool amongst a range of other tools/skills/methods a therapist has, but as a stand alone method it's not useful for the majority of people long term.

I think that if that's what you came to her to talk about it and she dismissed it you have nowhere to go really

So, you've read Wifework, you have strong opinions on it and the topic makes your blood boil.

So why is it an issue in your marriage?

Why have you not / feel you cannot just say "this split isn't fair - are you happy with this proposal or do you want me to consider another way?"

CBT is a short term fix and meant to change how you think. I think you might want to see a psychotherapist.

Wifework is not a small issue, it's a big deal.

I think raise the issue with her (your feelings about what she said) and the way she responds will let you know whether she is someone you feel comfortable working with.

If you don't feel you can raise the issue with her, that's not a sign of a good therapeutic relationship and you may want to move on to someone else.

You don't need to decide right then and there, you can raise it, see how she responds, and decide afterwards whether or not you want to continue. Therapy is of enormous value when it's done right and part of that is the fit with the right therapist for you.

I've found CBT very useful.

I know many get wound up about housework, what is try to do is see things from the perspective of my DH rather than assuming the worst.

Things that are important to me simply aren't that my DH, and even things that are important to him he can't get organised about!

I could choose to take his shortfalls personally as so many do, when actually what he sees as important I either couldn't give a shiny shit about or simply don't notice.

I'd be a hypocrite to get wound up given he doesn't about my shortcomings. We both instead choose to specialise and take responsibility for the aspects we find important and not judge the other because they don't.

I'm a therapist and am trained in both integrative psychotherapy and CBT (which was a professional qualification my work paid for). CBT is the best approach for things like OCD and some other specific 'disorders' but it's crap for relationship issues. 'Does that really matter/will this still matter in a week/what would you say to a friend? are indeed textbook CBT questions designed to help you think differently and can be helpful in some situations, but not this.

However, a strong therapeutic relationship should be able to weather a rupture; we can say clumsy things at times and don't always get it right, we're only human! I think you should raise it with her and tell her how you felt about the comment, handling conflict within the therapeutic relationship can often be where some clients real progress happens.

That's very helpful sheep. Thankyou.
Can I ask, what is integrative psychotherapy and how does it differ between counselling and CBT? I've tried both of these several times and don't feel like I'm getting to the route cause of things. It helps whatever is going on at the time, but I return to the same issues in a different costume. Would you recommend a psychotherapist going forward?

I think maybe you should try a different therapist. There are different modalities and the CBT approach may not be the one for you. It sounds like maybe you need a more relational therapist.
The other option is that you voice your annoyance at the therapists apparent dismissal of your feelings. It's hard to say as I'm going by what you've said but it's obviously niggled you ever since.

I do think housework is a tiny issue in life - and Things that are important to me simply aren't that my DH, and even things that are important to him he can't get organised about!

Housework is a tiny issue if you either have a partner who shares the workload, or are happy to do more than your share.

Nothing much is important to my H so he's happy to let our lives crumble around us.

If these things are happening to the OP then of course she is going to bring it up in therapy! And no you don't need CBT if you already know your partner is an arsehole.

(Sorry OP I may have been just very slightly projecting there ..!!)

You still haven't given any examples, OP. I personally couldn't live with a man who thought that housework was my responsability or who talked about helping me with the work, but I have a lovely friend who is totally neurotic about housework and, while wanting her husband and sons to participate, is never satisfied with how they do it. It's taken her six years in therapy to realise this.

Op. did the therapist tell you you were making mountains out of molehills or did they ask you if these things mattered in the great scheme of things, or did they do both.

Two very different things there. I'm wondering if possibly the therapist simoly asked you the question ?

If you're saying that these things are important to you then your therapist suggesting they're insignificant is unhelpful.

CBT is meant to help you work through things that have taken on an inappropriate significance in your life by examining how you think about them, but it's up to you to work out how to contextualise them. If you feel unsupported and disrespected because your needs are not being met in your relationship, telling you these things aren't important is not any kind of therapeutic approach. You may come to the conclusion that you're ok demoting these priorities because you've been able to look at the situation w fresh eyes, but it is not the therapist's role to deprioritise them.

...I should clarify I'm not saying you should deprioritise respect, I mean you may want to find a way to become more flexible on specific items of housework for example (you may not, it's your decision), my point is that you're supposed to reach satisfactory conclusions yourself using the CBT tools. Your therapist doesn't make those decisions for you.

Did the therapist actually say mountains out of molehills?

So, you've read Wifework, you have strong opinions on it and the topic makes your blood boil. So why is it an issue in your marriage?

This

Context is everything and theres not a lot in your post to determine if your therapist is incorrect.

How about telling us what your issues are about your domestic chore split.