What would you do if your husband said this..

[dyinginside]

Son asking for a lift , husband moaning about it, son says " I'll be giving lifts to you when you're too old to drive"
I say to husband " don't be ridiculous it'll only take you ten minutes"
Husband then says to me when son out of the room " the only place he'll be driving me is to your grave so I can piss all over it" and then made a peeing motion
This was a few days ago, I think it's the final nail in the coffin for me

Youngest is twelve

I've seen and heard a lot - but that literally made my jaw drop.
Who even thinks like that, let alone says it?
Sick.

No wonder you feel the way you do, sorry you're in this position. But at least it sounds like you don't have much by way of feelings left for him; sounds like planning an exit, looking into finances etc. is the thing to do. Maybe him being so passive will help you get out a deal to your advantage.

"out with a deal to your advantage"

Who even thinks like that, let alone says it?

Exactly - his mind must just be filth. What a hideous person.

Your children are learning some very damaging lessons

Plan your exit

Learn to driv e

Ah, you are the house elf. Pet housekeeper. No way he will want to split. He will have to make his own dentist appointments, have the kids to himself some weekends and wash his own pants.

Get yourself to a solicitor. Tell yourself you are just gathering information, not committing yourself to the upheaval. Get those ducks lined up.

How about making him do his own shit, like he would if single again. You will start to find your anger and the people around will start to see what a lazy shitbag he is.

he sounds massively depressed. Was he always like this?

He's not depressed at all, neither am I, yes he's always been very passive in regards to leaving anything financial/making any arrangements to me
Can't fault him about the housework or kids, we've just grown apart and don't love each other, that comment was a whole other level though, I'll never forgive him for that

when I asked was he always like that I meant was he always nasty?

Ignore the depressed stuff. Just because I am, it doesn't mean every one else is.

No he wasn't always nasty, the past few years the sniping at each other has got worse sometimes, it's not all the time, I'm so sick of living like this but haven't got the energy or the will to be the bad guy and split up, rumbling along seems the easy option

Bet you anything your child has heard this "sniping" more than once. Even if he was out of the room, he might have heard a comment like that. You might say "but my child hasn't acted like he heard this stuff," but kids growing up in households like that become masters of hiding their feelings and what they've been exposed to.

You need to tell him right now how unacceptable that comment was.