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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you do if your husband said this..

88 replies

dyinginside · 20/03/2017 06:50

Son asking for a lift , husband moaning about it, son says " I'll be giving lifts to you when you're too old to drive"
I say to husband " don't be ridiculous it'll only take you ten minutes"
Husband then says to me when son out of the room " the only place he'll be driving me is to your grave so I can piss all over it" and then made a peeing motion
This was a few days ago, I think it's the final nail in the coffin for me

OP posts:

NormaSmuff · 20/03/2017 08:59

will you cope with impending redundancy as well as divorce?

Original poster

dyinginside · 20/03/2017 09:01

I'm not depressed at all, no alcohol involved at all, it is just a case of growing apart, I suppose the only thing either of us gets out of it is money,security and a family together, like I say most of the time we rub along ok and get on as friends but this has just killed that, yes we do low level sniping occasionally but this shocked me

OP posts:

deadpool99 · 20/03/2017 09:20

I do think that is a particularly vile comment from your H, and completely out of order.

However, I would be very annoyed if my partner who has never driven undermined me and said it's only 10 minutes, when presumably he has had to do all of the driving for the last 20 years.

Doesn't excuse what he said. But can see why he was annoyed by your suggestion of giving a lift.

Growing apart - I wouldn't rule out counselling. Couples can grow apart over the years. Counselling will give you a better idea of whether there is anything left to work with.

pimmsy · 20/03/2017 09:20

I think there is a big difference between "growing apart" and telling someone you'd piss on their grave.

It's a horrible thing to say.

Would you say it to a friend, a child, another family member even in a jokey way?

You need to split.

I'd say separate as soon as possible. Try to be able to leave each other while you're still able to wish the other well in the future. Do leave it till the only thing left to say is that you'll piss on their grave.

pimmsy · 20/03/2017 09:21

*Don't leave it

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 11:52

Saying something vile and thinking it are not the same though OP; he said it to hurt you, to make you feel bad; to hell with that; no need; your marriage probably ended some time ago and all you've been doing is rubbing along because it's probably easier than having to do the practicalities of splitting up but honestly, if my so called partner spoke to me like that, it would give me the impotence to get on with my life, without him.

user1484578224 · 20/03/2017 12:59

looking back at the comment it seems very angry.

Sorry about mention of depression and alcohol....just a stab in the dark

HarmlessChap · 20/03/2017 13:33

Leave him, you both deserve better than the toxic mess you describe.

Original poster

dyinginside · 20/03/2017 16:43

Adora that's exactly what we've been doing, rubbing along as it's easier, and I've felt guilt about the thought of splitting up, I think we will split eventually but it's not easy

OP posts:

PickAChew · 20/03/2017 16:48

I can see why that comment shocked you. It goes a long way beyond having grown apart and right into the territory of utter contempt. It's something you'd think about someone you actively hate, rather than someone you have no feelings for.

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 16:59

Just be careful you don't hang around too long and end up getting royally shafted by him; there's no trust there; get the ball rolling, before someone comes along and blows your world apart.

Adora10 · 20/03/2017 17:00

Not someone, something.

Huskylover1 · 20/03/2017 17:06

I think that's the first time ever, that I have taken a sharp intake of breath at a MN post. What a truly horrifying thing to say.

CoolCarrie · 20/03/2017 17:08

Omg that is bloody terrible, what a horrible man.
I am glad you DS didn't hear it. LTB!

Peanutbutterrules · 20/03/2017 17:17

I'd struggle to get that mental picture out of my mind TBH.

Sounds like time for action...

Kanewreck · 20/03/2017 19:08

It depends on the type of humour normally used in your relationship.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 20/03/2017 19:53

I rather suspect you won't realise how depressed your mood was until you are out (even if you aren't "depressed").

it's such a massive upheaval splitting up
Do you really want more years of this horribleness instead of some upheaval?

You sound ground down and the atmosphere sounds deeply unpleasant. God knows what lessons you are teaching your children about what makes a stable marriage.

LEELULUMPKIN · 20/03/2017 19:54

Sorry but no amount of therapy would erase that comment from my mind. That's an unforgivable thing to say. Sorry OP

Original poster

dyinginside · 20/03/2017 21:08

Thank you all for your comments, I suppose I have been minimising it in my head, the comment about just being utter contempt struck home
I suppose I just looked at it like another snipey comment but it's really shaken me

OP posts:

Huskylover1 · 20/03/2017 21:22

Your user name says it all, you poor thing. Please think about leaving.

Huskylover1 · 20/03/2017 21:23

And btw, you can leave. I left a 20 year relationship. You just have to get on and do it! Now been with DH for 8.5 years and he is a gem. Please, for your well being, get the ball rolling (if it's what you want) x

Hushabyelullaby · 20/03/2017 21:25

good lord i'm speechless, what a bloody awful thing to say to anyone, let alone your DW.

RandomMess · 20/03/2017 21:33

He may be happy to split - in as much as you just label it and say "clearly things are to far gone for us to live together long term, why don't we divorce now as it will take time and then we'll both be free to move on - have a think about it"

Honestly let him think it over the carrot of having sex again may help him along to go ahead with agreeing to a divorce. It doesn't have to be rushed.

Could you rearrange the house so you can have separate bedrooms?

Original poster

dyinginside · 20/03/2017 21:40

I don't think he would be happy to split despite the circumstances
He's completely passive in everything, comes home at night and sits sleeping, his job is not that taxing
It's like living with an old man
I'm no angel in all this at all, it's not all his fault, I just don't know how to get rid of lethargy about splitting up, I feel frozen, kids would probably blame me as would other people, he's seen as the quiet nice guy and I'm seen as the stroppy fiery one, but I've had to be, he can't even phone the dentist on his own behalf!

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/03/2017 21:44

Start detaching, stop doing his stuff - I mean literally stop phoning the dentist for him etc.

How old are the DC?

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