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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do if your husband said this..

88 replies

dyinginside · 20/03/2017 06:50

Son asking for a lift , husband moaning about it, son says " I'll be giving lifts to you when you're too old to drive"
I say to husband " don't be ridiculous it'll only take you ten minutes"
Husband then says to me when son out of the room " the only place he'll be driving me is to your grave so I can piss all over it" and then made a peeing motion
This was a few days ago, I think it's the final nail in the coffin for me

OP posts:
Original poster
dyinginside · 20/03/2017 07:26

It's shocked me that I actually mean that, I would feel very grateful to her and feel very kindly towards her

OP posts:
TattyCat · 20/03/2017 07:27

In that case Op, you really don't need a bunch of strangers on MN to tell you what to do. You just need to set the wheels in motion.

TupperwareTat · 20/03/2017 07:29

It sounds as though its shaken you up a bit & actually you will be spending your old years with this 'man'

This person should be scared at the thought of ever losing his soulmate not celebrating. Its very very hurtful & cruel.

Time to look at that future of happiness with your son.

I would be planning a lovely life Flowers

theothercatpurred · 20/03/2017 07:31

OK so thinking practically what do you need to do to leave?

Maybe an appointment with a solicitor to see where you stand is a good idea. Most do a free first appointment for family law. It's perfectly acceptable to sew a few, as it's an opportunity to see which is a good fit for you.

Guitargirl · 20/03/2017 07:32

That sounds like no kind of life OP - I would be making plans to end the relationship as quickly as possible.

Original poster
dyinginside · 20/03/2017 07:32

It has shaken me , but I'll be honest, I've thought a lot worse than he said

OP posts:
Original poster
dyinginside · 20/03/2017 07:34

I know what I need to to do to leave and know what I'm entitled to and how to get it
It's not as easy as just up and going, it will be a long slow process,

OP posts:
LemonSqueezy0 · 20/03/2017 07:34

There are so many reasons why I'd think your marriage is unhealthy and should be ended. But if there has to be one straw for you , why not this one? What a vile thing to say. It could have been something you said to him that ended it, as you've said you can snipe at him too. Think long and hard about spending the next 20,30,40 years in this situation.

Guitargirl · 20/03/2017 07:35

You clearly don't like each other very much - much better to end the relationship and put both of you out of your misery.

Joysmum · 20/03/2017 07:38

Given your last post I too would suggest your marriage is over. You don't respect him enough not to undermining me him and he's now reached the stage where he's showing contempt for you.

Your relationship reaching this stage will be damaging your children. Everyone would be best off out of it, regardless of the financial position.

kinter · 20/03/2017 07:41

OP, do you think you husband is unhappy? Odd question, perhaps but here's why: in my first marriage I got to a point where I wished my husband would die. It wasn't that I hated him, I just couldn't cope with his odd behaviour. He always was odd but it was OK while he was nice to me.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, been divorced from him for twenty-three years. Married to s.o. else for nineteen (he's odd too; seems I attract them). I don't hate husb1. Still love him for the things I loved him for originally: reliability, intelligence, oddness even. But, back then, I didn't know how to cope and became unhappy, depressed even.

So I just wondered if your husband...?

Whatever you do, whether it's seeking outside help (counselling) or starting divorce proceedings, I wish you luck and happiness Flowers

Itisnoteasybeingdifferent · 20/03/2017 07:41

I normally suggest ways to help someone maintain a relationship rather than split up. Indeed I have sometimes got flamed for it.. BUT...

For me that is a deal breaker. It shows an underlying lack of respect. I suggest you get a plan together. It will probably be very difficult. You will need to find somewhere to live. As you don't drive yur options will be limitd by the need to get to work. I am assuming you do work. It will cost to divorce and I suspect it won't be simple. It could turn spiteful and nasty.

But you know in your heart what you have to do.

Original poster
dyinginside · 20/03/2017 07:42

I know it's over, it's just hard

OP posts:
Original poster
dyinginside · 20/03/2017 07:47

Kinter that's exactly what I meant when I said I'd thought worse than he said
He's a good dad and a hard worker , liked by everyone but we've just grown apart
I do work but am just about to be made redundant
He's really not a bad person, in all honesty I'm probably worse, but I feel nothing for him, I'm sure he's unhappy too, but it's such a massive upheaval splitting up

OP posts:
Boredbeforeievenbegan · 20/03/2017 08:01

That was a file thing to say to you, I'd start the process of moving on.

WellWhatThen · 20/03/2017 08:02

It sounds like he hates you.

MrsMozart · 20/03/2017 08:06

Given all you've said here, why are you still together? Surely a life apart, scary though it might initially be, is one where there's hope of something better, as opposed to something that sounds like hope left the building long ago.

NormaSmuff · 20/03/2017 08:13

how about marriage guidance?
try and reconnect?

AliceByTheMoon · 20/03/2017 08:16

OP, I am sorry.

Marriage guidance might be worth a go - at least so you know you gave it a last ditch effort.

But, if things are that bad and you are both so unhappy- don't you both deserve a chance to have a new start in life? Maybe end it before it gets irreparably vicious?

good luck.

NormaSmuff · 20/03/2017 08:18

how you going to manage with redundancy?
can you rely on his emotional support?

oleoleoleole · 20/03/2017 08:20

See a solicitor and start the ball rolling to divorce him.

Original poster
dyinginside · 20/03/2017 08:29

I'll manage fine with the redundancy, possible other job in the pipeline, he's never given me any emotional support over anything so I'm used to relying on myself and my friends

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 08:31

Then what do you get out of this "marriage" ?

user1484578224 · 20/03/2017 08:33

its all very well people saying he hates you and you should leave.

You freely admit you have been less than kind.

Try couples therapy.

You sound depressed and maybe he is too. Is alcohol a feature here?

witwootoodleoo · 20/03/2017 08:44

I'm sorry but I think it sounds like it's over.

I do think you should consider marriage counselling though. Marriage counselling isn't just about staying together, it can also be about accepting that things are over and finding an amicable exit. I think it's particularly worth it in this case as you've already descended to sniping and point scoring so perhaps talking it through with a gentle referee will help you both to accept it's over and find a way to end things as painlessly as possible.

Divorces do not have to be horrid and acrimonious. I had a perfectly civilised divorce in the end and it was so much better (and cheaper) than it would have been if we'd let ourselves give way to bickering. I appreciate it's not always possible, but why not try from a starting point that you will aim to make it as painless as possible?

[Flowers]