Been on my own for 19 years. Need advice...

[PositiveThinking1234]

I have been on my own 19 years now... I live in a remote part of the Country. I have tried online dating sites, joined clubs, walking in the countryside (safe here). Joined local fb groups. Trouble is there are no men and when they are no interest from my or their side. My Son has his own Family now and my family member. Sometimes it doesn't bother me and I go from day to day quite laid back and happy. I have tried everything and looked at situations from different angles. I have been actively looking then not for long stetches. It doesn't enter my mind. Any tips... part of me is still hoping. Thanx.

thesunwillout
Thank you x

If you are more spiritual than religious, how about meditation classes, yoga etc. You will meet like minded people. Are the any Buddhist centres near you?

noego
Nothing like that here. Would LOVE THAT. I listen to Lectures online etc... I also want someone who is Spiritual or respects me enough to accept that is an important part of me

If you want to meet men then maybe you need to do pursuits that men are more likely to do. My friend did this (rather than yoga courses etc) - she joined a bike club that did serious country rides, a kayaking course, bouldering and rock climbing courses, the Ramblers, a beginners fencing course etc. She got a LOT of dates and lived with a guy for a year or so.

It is just so tough.

In the end my friend had some counselling and accepted (even though we told her this at Uni) that in the past she had gone out with unconfident, conflicted blokes who would let her down and were not really available or ready for a serious relationship ( I recall one guy still in love with his ex, another with ED and PE, a bad tempered artist etc) and with nice, available guys she would dump them for any perceived "wrong" - not phoning exactly when they would, thinking it was too soon to meet their mum etc. Anyway, the point is she needed to change her pattern of behaviour rather than keep seeking out the same type of guy.

She is now very content - she decided to try to make a living doing something she always wanted to try, supplementing her income with tutoring, she took in 2 lodgers which gives home a family feel. This richer life has made her happier and through one of her housemates has met a nice guy she is tentatively dating.

GurneyGob
Wow... Your friend went out there and took part. I love that. Worth thinking about. I do know everyone in village. I couldn't do tough, hard on the body stuff. But certainly if any men stuff groups come up. Will think about it... I would love a house full of people but can't see me taking in Lodgers tho

Do you belong to any professional bodies or work groups OP? Sometimes they can be a great way of meeting men new people. Unless of course you work in a female-dominated profession like me, then the meetings are 99% female.

You mention nature, photography, walking - all things which lend themselves to weekend activities with other likeminded souls. Have a look around on t'internet, see how much they cost, & whether with some hard budgeting you could afford one now & again. Holiday Fellowship, Saga if/when you're over 50, Just You (singles) do walking holidays & taster weekends.

oliviaoatcake
Student at moment. Mostly females 2 guys one is 18 and other gives me the creeps (that sounds awful lol!) With being in my 40s no student life, everyone doesn't mix as have husbands, grandchildren etc. Unlike when I was 18 😊

Walkacrossthesand
Well the holiday season will soon be starting. I always look forward to Spring. Because of everything waking up in Nature, better weather and new faces in the village. Always pissiblities. I can't afford holidays but remain hopeful well sometimes.

I live in a small village. Where everyone swaps partners basically and the single guys are all crude to women and drink to extreme etc

Well, be grateful and thank God everyday that you don't have to live like that.

btw, a bit off topic, but commenting on what noego said, some religious people are very spiritual indeed, even if it might look like its in a conventional framework!

I think posters are right. You either have to accept things as they are, possibly with a hope that you might meet someone (if its meant to be its meant to be kind-of-attitude). OR you have to make some fundamental and concious changes to actually try and meet somebody, including expanding from 25 miles say to 60 miles. It might take years btw but you are still in your 40s, which is still young in many ways. I lean to the former perhaps, but I have a friend who did the latter - it took alot of time and energy but she did meet someone and is glad she did.

FizzyJapes
I have a good Friend who is a church minister. And have been to her church. But she lives quite far away. And on a Sunday the first bus doesn't pass until 11.20am! I do have a Belief System but lean more to Spirituality 👼

FizzyJapes

Ps Yip I tend to lean towards if it's meant to be... but have come to the point it needs a nudge 😃

Thank You All....

I appreciate you all taking time to reply and help. I guess I will just get on with life meantime. And see where it takes me. 👋👍

I was on my own for a long time too & know how you feel. Eventually I tried OLD (encouraged by friends who were in relationships with the first or second person they dated!) and mostly hated it so stopped. Began with Guardian Soulmates but not worth the money - just as nice men on free sites but it takes A LOT of sifting profiles and i resented the ultimate waste of time. Didn't meet sleazy men but lots of one date wonders with dull or arrogant men. Yes lots of men want (but dont get!) you ger women but i only went out with men close to my age. Did have 2-3 short relationships & heartbreaks along the way. Gave up again. ..By this time 5-6 years had passed...I'm in my 50s btw

Then out of the blue my now partner contacted me. He lives in a tiny village an hour away from my town...its difficult to commit to travel far for a first meeting and that had put me off before but he had work quite near so that's when we met.

It really is a game of chance & to a large extent not something you've done or not done. Seemed to take me longer than anyone I know! A friend has just started something with the 24th man she met - she put a lot of effort into it.

GGob makes some good points about examining whether you could change anything you do & I'd add don't be too prescriptive about what you need in a partner (just keep to absolute deal breakers). And don't get hung up on there needing to be a 'spark' straight away - it takes a long time to get to know someone so you have to take a chance some time & see where it goes. The biggest initial spark I had crashed and burned so I'm no longer a fan of instant sparks :)

I think its difficult to be single in the countryside & more so with little money & no transport. There is a lot of community stuff going on but it may not be your kinda thing. You may find more like minded people in a town/rural hub - could you rent your place out if you found somewhere promising to try out? Depends where you are but people speak highly of eg Stroud or Skipton in this way.

lovely story ocelot and great advice

ocelot7
It's impossible for me to move. :-( on low income... Thank you so much for your lovely and thoughtful reply... I think OLD is probably the only solution. But at the moment been sicked by dating sites. Feeling a hopeless case. 19 years is a very long time. 🙈

LivelyLima
👋👍

Have you told your son? Maybe they could set you up with dates?

OFFS!

Are you even a parent?! You do realize that their friends are all around their own age, don't you?

Anyway, it's not up to your children to fix your love life ffs.

Personally, as a LP I have perfected the art of enjoying my own company, even travel solo.

Most men I meet in a romantic fashion have not dealt with their inner demons frankly for me to even consider a relationship.

Thx Lima :)

OP I was wondering if you could rent yr place out for the same you'd have to pay - on a trial basis. Is there a way to increase yr income? (sorry not sure what you do) a part-time job would also bring you into contact with more people.

Yes I went through cycles of hating dating sites then realising there's no real alternative. A friend said she thought of it like a hobby. Just decide eg to spend one hour identifying potential dates with a glass of wine or yr favourite music, radio etc NB some of those hours won't yield any but stick at it as some will :)

Yes I am a Parent!!!!

I know people that are in/have been in LTR's/marriages for decades and feel lonely.
Living alone has a lot of benefits.

Noego that's not very helpful to someone who yearns to be in a relationship. I certainly didn't take kindly to people who had all the benefits of partners saying that to me when I was longterm single. I guess I'd got over all the benefits of being single by then! And the OP has had 19 of singleness. It's not how she wants to live - even though we know some people are very happy being single.

Obviously, being single is preferable to a bad relationship - as I am always reminded when such are reported elsewhere on MN -but most relationships have lots of advantages over being single. Especially to a person who's stated they want to be in one.

probably just pointing out the obvious really. OP has tried virtually everything to hook up with someone and it doesn't seem to have an satisfactory ending. So sometimes acceptance of a situation is the best remedy.

Loved your earlier post Ocelet but noego has a fair point, you know horses for courses!

I presume the OP has been trying to accept the situation for most of the last 19 years but still yearns for a relationship. Hence I'd say don't accept it but give it a bit of renewed effort.
OP may not have done enough OLD to get over the initial horrors, over investment etc and reach a more manageable state where she has no expectations but is prepared to be pleasantly surprised :)