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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm devestated

79 replies

Itsnotmyday · 16/03/2017 07:50

Dp of 2 years walked out on me and my (not his) dd yesterday. I'm heartbroken. Absolutely. Been bad for a good few months now. He got a new job which took priory over everything. He even said to me his job was his priority but I thought things would get better but they got worse. He told me he doesn't want a family and he doesn't want anymore children (he had 2 from previous relationship). He knew I wanted another child eventually but never told me how he felt, he always said he would when the time Was right. He said u couldn't handle his new position. I could and I supported him the best I could, would listen to him hours on end talking about work. He would work 12 hours 5 days a week but even when he was home he would be either talking about work, doing work, sending emails or on the phone ect. He just doesn't want a family life he wants to be a single man and his life now revolves around his career. He told me he's sorry that his career got in the way of our relationship but it's something he has to pursue. He drinks from the moment he leaves work to the minute he goes to bed early everyday and turns into a arrogant arsehole when he's been drinking. I don't know if I was selfish or I pushed him sent but all I wanted was his time, not all of it. I tried my best to support him but we both want different things. Everything feels so raw and I just want him back even though I know it wouldn't be right

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RandomMess · 18/03/2017 08:17

Glad you've deleted his number.

He said those things in the honeymoon phase! You've actually had a short relationship, was he on the rebound from his ex?

I agree that to him the relationship had run it's course the new job was a catalyst to it ending more quickly.

Flowers have a lovely day with DD and DSIS, hopefully the distraction will be a break from the pain that you feel.

Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 08:22

No he had been split from his exw for around 2 years before we met. Me on the other hand had only been split from my dd dad for 6 months when we met. Maybe I was clinging onto something that was never really there

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Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 08:33

I wish he could of told me all this. I would of sacrificed what I wanted for him

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springydaffs · 18/03/2017 08:38

What you had probably was real. Now he's been hijacked by his latest obsession. It takes centre stage.

So far, so addict. Addicts throw their life and soul, in its entirety, into their latest thing. You already know he's an alcoholic, now he's a workaholic on top.

Life with an addict is pure hell in that they already have their lover, you come a very (very) poor second.

It must feel that in the blink of an eye what you had together has vanished. I'm so sorry, it's so painful and an immense shock Flowers

Take heart that this is NOT your fault. Normal rules don't apply when you're dealing with an addict. You did nothing wrong, you didn't cause this.

Good advice to take it a day /hour at a time. Just get through today, focus on the day you're in, try not to look ahead.

Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 09:03

Looking from the outside does it seam like he was a alcoholic? I had suggested to him in the past but he said no, because he doesn't wake up first thing in the morning and want a drink. But he couldn't go a day without it. It was his new years resolution so only drink on a weekend .. it lasted one day...

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Adarajames · 18/03/2017 14:28

From what you say about him, yes, at the very least he has very unhealthy attitude to alcohol

Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 17:06

I never saw him as a alcoholic but now I'm away from the situation maybe he was.. I guess he was certainly alcohol dependant

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Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 17:09

And the worst part about it all is I know he won't be missing us and that makes me so so sad. My daughter keeps asking where he is as well and I'm really trying to hold it all together

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springydaffs · 18/03/2017 17:12

Alcohol dependent = alcoholic.

Alcoholic doesn't just mean shambling about in smelly trousers drinking out of a paper bag. It means high functioning, looking good, successful, too. In fact the latter category is by far the biggest.

That old saw of kidding himself he doesn't have a problem bcs he doesn't drink in the morning Hmm

Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 20:01

Feel stupid that I'm missing her someone who cares so little. So sad

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honeyroar · 18/03/2017 20:52

He's had longer to come to terms with this than you have. It's a shock for you. But you sound like a strong lady - deleting him on Facebook and his phone number is such a sensible thing to do. Try and be nice to yourself and your daughter. Make sure you're eating properly, change your room round a bit, try and do something nice tomorrow, even if it's just going round to someone for support. You can't make someone love you, if it's not there for him it's better he moved out, you don't deserve to be last on his list.

Itsnotmyday · 19/03/2017 08:35

Now it's all my fault because I never had any ambition so we was going in different paths. I work hard and have a 3 year old daughter!! Said he's been thinking it through for a few weeks and it's been a really hard decision but will be best for everyone

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Itsnotmyday · 20/03/2017 07:38

It's my birthday today and I've been dreading it. Need to sort all my finances out

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Eastpoint · 20/03/2017 07:48

Happy birthday @Itsnotmyday

Well done for deleting him. Can you buy a little cake & a candle so you can have a birthday tea with your daughter later?

Some Flowers & Cake for you to celebrate with.

Itsnotmyday · 20/03/2017 08:18

My family are dragging me out later for tea. I don't want to but I think I need to. I'm going to sort all my bills out and go into the tax office today. Not something I should be doing on my birthday but I need to do it. Thought while I'm out I'd get my nails done as well to make myself feel slightly better

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Itsnotmyday · 20/03/2017 08:19

Why are mornings always hardest? Like I've been hit by a bus all over again

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hellsbellsmelons · 20/03/2017 08:42

Happy Birthday OP.
Definitely get out there and get our nails done.
Anything at all to make you feel a bit better.
I always find evenings a bit harder but I guess mornings are hard because you've dwelled on it all night and thought about things and then wake up and realise it's all a reality.
One day at a time - you'll get there.

Itsnotmyday · 21/03/2017 07:12

I just want to tell him to come home

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Itsnotmyday · 21/03/2017 07:15

I miss him so much. He keeps saying how much of a hard decision it was for him but he had to do it and it's for the best

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Itsnotmyday · 21/03/2017 09:18

How can he just decide after 2 years that this wasn't what he wants. He's always known that I've wanted another baby. I know deep down it's for the best if we wanted different things but I had always thought we was on the same page. How can things be that bad for him that he walks out. Am I really that bad

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hellsbellsmelons · 21/03/2017 09:26

None of this makes you bad.
He wanted out. So he left.
It happens every day to hundreds of people.
Don't feel alone in this.
My ExH had affair after 15 years together.
I ended it and he went to OW in another country!
Left me with our DD and to cope alone with house, bills, etc.....
It was fucking hard.
Really hard. and it took a long time to get over it.
But I did get over it.
All of us do - honestly.

It's still so so raw for your right now.
We all blame ourselves but it's not you!
It's really not.
I'd love to tell you stop questioning yourself.
But we all do it - for a long long time.
Keep ranting on here. It helps to get it out.
But nothing we say can make this go away quickly.
Time!!! You just need time.

PickAChew · 21/03/2017 09:29

Sweetheart, 2 years is a pretty good time to know for sure whether a relationship has long term prospects or not. He has realised that for him, it doesn't.

It's normal to miss him horribly, but your feelings can't change his. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would feel about someone pleading with you to come back to arelationship that wasn't making you happy. You'd be irritated, at best. This is why deleting his number was a good move.

Try not to dwell on what is wrong with you. You are no more flawed or faultless than any of the rest of us. He couldn't be with you and be happy, though and, once the wounds have started to heal, you will probably realise that you were never truly happy with someone who was only ever a grumpy drunk in your presence Flowers

Enjoy your trip out with your family.

Itsnotmyday · 21/03/2017 09:38

I feel so incredibly lonely. I keep thinking, who's going to want me now? I was hoping I would have had another baby and settled down by the time I was 30.. I know I'm only 26 but I feel so much older than that, I don't know why

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Itsnotmyday · 22/03/2017 06:48

1st week over with and i still want him to come home

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Anniegetyourgun · 22/03/2017 07:18

He keeps saying what a hard decision it was for him

How dare he? Angry He's gone swanning off and you're left bereft and confused, and you're supposed to feel sorry for him having to make a hard decision? Pfft.

I don't go along with Bluntness's, er, blunt implication that he didn't really mean it when he offered to help with DD and that you should have realised and turned it down. People shouldn't offer things if they don't mean it. The guy's over 30, he's surely grown out of offering sweets to his mates and then taking them back at breaktime. (I had a friend at school who used to do that. I sighed and gave it back, but thought it was really childish. We were 5.) It was fair enough to take the offer at face value. What he's done is throw love and money at you and then resent you for taking it. What's the betting that if you had insisted on remaining financially independent and arranging your own childcare he would have blamed you for shutting him out, not being committed to the relationship etc? When a guy wants out, everything you do is wrong.