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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I'm devestated

79 replies

Itsnotmyday · 16/03/2017 07:50

Dp of 2 years walked out on me and my (not his) dd yesterday. I'm heartbroken. Absolutely. Been bad for a good few months now. He got a new job which took priory over everything. He even said to me his job was his priority but I thought things would get better but they got worse. He told me he doesn't want a family and he doesn't want anymore children (he had 2 from previous relationship). He knew I wanted another child eventually but never told me how he felt, he always said he would when the time Was right. He said u couldn't handle his new position. I could and I supported him the best I could, would listen to him hours on end talking about work. He would work 12 hours 5 days a week but even when he was home he would be either talking about work, doing work, sending emails or on the phone ect. He just doesn't want a family life he wants to be a single man and his life now revolves around his career. He told me he's sorry that his career got in the way of our relationship but it's something he has to pursue. He drinks from the moment he leaves work to the minute he goes to bed early everyday and turns into a arrogant arsehole when he's been drinking. I don't know if I was selfish or I pushed him sent but all I wanted was his time, not all of it. I tried my best to support him but we both want different things. Everything feels so raw and I just want him back even though I know it wouldn't be right

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Itsnotmyday · 16/03/2017 10:23

I guess so. Never looked at it like that. I felt like it's all been my fault why he's done this. Like I wasn't enough

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hellsbellsmelons · 16/03/2017 10:33

We all think like that.
Could I have done more - blah blah blah
It's NOT you.
It's him.
It really really is.

Itsnotmyday · 16/03/2017 12:25

I feel so guilty for everything. I feel guilty for making him feel so unhappy even though I was unhappy myself. I just loved him so much

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jbee1979 · 16/03/2017 12:40

It sounds like it's going to be better for both of you now. It's a hard lesson to learn, but you really will be better off and more fulfilled if you stand on your own two feet. You should support each other in a balanced relationship and not be dependent on anyone - especially with a child to consider. You're both young enough to start again. I think he's been very honest with you, as much as it hurts, it hasn't been a waste of time if you've learned something. Don't text him, he's gone. Be dignified, no more begging Flowers

Itsnotmyday · 16/03/2017 13:31

No I haven't since he left. I feel so stupid about it all. Don't know how it's all ended up like this. I don't understand how someone can choose a career over their family.

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SandyY2K · 16/03/2017 14:43

Don't contact him and be glad you found out how he feels before you had kids with him.

Time is a good healer with break ups and always know there's someone out there for you.

Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

SandyY2K · 16/03/2017 15:50

You make some very good points Blunt. I guess his version could be he helped with his GFs DD, he paid lots of bills, she seems dependent on him, he's unhappy in the relationship and she seems ungrateful.... Add to that he wants to focus on his career.

Nobody would advise him to remain in such a relationship.

It's very much about perspectives.

Itsnotmyday · 16/03/2017 18:35

Yes he did pay lots of bills, he never paid my bills. He earns 6x the amount I'm on. I gave him a good chunk out of my wages towards bills but it would never cover them, he knew full well what I earned and that I had a daughter when he walked Into the relationship. Infact he told me to get a new job because he knew I was unhappy where I was and said he would have my dd. Probably shouldn't of trusted him or relied on him but that's my mistake now which I can learn from.

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Itsnotmyday · 17/03/2017 07:24

Woke up feeling terrible again. All his stuff has gone

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Allofaflumble · 17/03/2017 08:06

Can you switch your focus to your child? I grew up in this type of situation and believe me it has long term repercussions. Anxiety, lack of trust etc. Your child is probably anxious anyway
Being around alcohol is not natural for a child. To this day, I still feel fear around any man who has been drinking. What a shame that you think this is something you need?

Your fear of being alone is clouding your mind to the reality. Leave him to love the bottle and thank your lucky stars you are FREE! I know it hurts and that's because your illusion has been burst, not because you need him. Take care.

Itsnotmyday · 17/03/2017 08:17

I know deep down its for the best I think it's just the initial shock and having to sort everything out and them more being around anymore. What a awful feeling. When you adored someone and they do this. It feels like he doesn't even care

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Allofaflumble · 17/03/2017 08:20

Yes, it is so tough. A feeling I would not wish on anyone! (Hug)

Itsnotmyday · 17/03/2017 08:30

Trying my hardest to concentrate on my daughter and carry on working but I honestly feel like I'm drowning

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redfairy · 17/03/2017 08:41

Just concentrate on getting through today OP. Don't overwhelm yourself with with thoughts about the future. I've been in your situation and I felt like I'd been operated on. It's a very real trauma and I don't wish it on anyone.
Don't feel you have to stay strong all the time and just roll with it because it's going to be a real rollercoaster. It's ok to feel hurt. But, you will get through this.
Unmumsnetty hugs Flowers

KateDaniels2 · 17/03/2017 08:42

Why did you adore him?

How long has he been acting like this?

How long were you together before you moved in?

It sounds like you adored something that wasnt real. You had a vision of how things should be, but that wasnt reality.

Its so difficult when this happens. But when you realise you are all better off apart it will get eaiser.

FrenchLavender · 17/03/2017 08:44

He drinks from the moment he leaves work to the minute he goes to bed early everyday and turns into a arrogant arsehole when he's been drinking.

Then see this as your lucky escape. He's got a drink problem. He's an arrogant arsehole. He prioritises work over spending time with you, even outside of working hours. He doesn't make enough effort with his own children. He doesn't want any more children and you do.

Tell me again why you think you've lost something worth hanging onto?

You are so young, you have masses and masses of time to find someone else worthy of you who will be happy to have more children with you. Don't try to hang on to this dickhead in the hope that he'll suddenly turn into Mr wonderful - he won't.

Penfold007 · 17/03/2017 08:48

Sounds like he's been unhappy for a long time, it's a shame he couldn't discuss this with you. I appreciate this has come as a great shock to you but he has been planning this for a considerable time. Mentally and practically he's already moved on.
Be kind to yourself, concentrate on your DD and check out what you might be able to claim to help with your finances, www.entitledto.co.uk can be useful. Have you got any support in RL?

hellsbellsmelons · 17/03/2017 09:10

It's horrible it really is.
Just think about the day in hours for now.
What do you need to do in the next hour.
Sit down, breathe and have a cuppa?
Once that hour is over, what to do in the next one.
Contact a friend for a chat?
Do not think long term right now.
You just need to get through each hour.
Sugar levels up and keep yourself hydrated.
If you are struggling eating (I couldn't handle anything solid for weeks) try to have sugary tea, soup, ice lollies, smoothies, yoghurts, etc......
(((((HUGS)))))

Itsnotmyday · 17/03/2017 11:09

I just can't get my head around how a job can be more important to him, we was his family and I thought he loved us. I feel like such a idiot. I keep flicking between hating him and then blaming myself. I've never felt hurt as intense as this. I thought he was the one and I thought he left the same and I feel so stupid for thinking that now.

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Itsnotmyday · 17/03/2017 11:12

Thankfully do have support in RL. Family and friends

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Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 06:29

I'm going no contact from today. We had a few messages last few days mainly me wanting answers and him replying that I will realise that when i find the right person that can give me what I want that it's been for the best. Also saying that we grew apart that yes his job had something to do with that. I was reading old messages from him from last September saying he wanted marriage and babies but wanted us to get a bigger house first ect ect. It absolutely breaks my heart because I thought he was the right person for me and we would have a family. I'm so heartbroken. I wanted him to regret his desision and realise we was more important to him that his csreer, anyways that isn't going to happen so I need to be strong and stop messaging him. It's the weekend as well 'family time' I do have a full day planned with my daughter and sister but there feels like a massive gapping hole where he should be

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Itsnotmyday · 18/03/2017 06:41

I've just deleted his number.. wow that was difficult

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FrenchLavender · 18/03/2017 06:41

I think he's perhaps been spending more time on his work (or at least saying that he has) because he has already checked out emotionally from the relationship and the job is an excuse really. I don't think you should spend too much time overanalysing how/why his job is more important than his relationship with you, the truth is he has just outgrown the relationship, job or not.

The sooner you accept this the quicker you will heal.

FrenchLavender · 18/03/2017 06:45

I was reading old messages from him from last September saying he wanted marriage and babies but wanted us to get a bigger house first ect ect.

This sounds as though he was responding to you pushing him for some answers about where the relationship was heading and for a commitment in a particular time frame. I suspect he was having to justify why he wouldn't marry and have children straight away so he made it about the house, but the truth is he wasn't sure all along.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/03/2017 08:05

Deleting his number is a huge step and a very hard one so a massive well done!!!!
Keep busy. You'll get there.