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Original poster

Husband funny about taking care of DS

53 replies

Kuverty · 14/03/2017 20:05

Okay first of all I have a husband who is as close to perfection as a man can get I think and part of me feels guilty about writing this but I feel like I have to rant and don't want to go to friends as they obviously know him and would never want to put him in a bad light. Plus could use some objective advice.

Husband is really weird about childcare. It's my fault as I think I spoilt him too much by just taking care of everything around DS. He would ask me in the past if I was coping and I'd always act like a bloody Wonder Woman even though I often felt exhausted. I think I felt I had to take full responsibility for DS since hubby is in full time employment and I'm home all day with LO not even cooking or cleaning as DS was so absorbing.

But with time I just grown more tired and I feel like DH almost checked out from the whole child rearing process and me to some extent. He'd come home (in no rush really) then start preparing his dinner, sit down, relax, call his mate. In the meantime I've been on DS duty since 7:30 and bear in mind my baby doesn't nap at all. It just makes me sad that I always try to be compassionate and give him some time off to relax after work but that's not really reciprocated. I feel like he does not give a shit about me having any down time whatsoever. Yesterday in addition to his dinner / mate calling routine he sat down and watched a couple of movies on Netflix. Didn't even cross his mind to relief me of DS duties. Then when he has him it's like he is still trying to enjoy himself despite DS (no talking to DS or playing with him just carries him around and checks his phone the same time or watches telly.) He only has him for about 30 minutes a day and he still doesn't care about making any connection with him :-/

So I spoke to him about it today and now he's been with DS the last couple of hours and wouldn't even hand him back over to me which seems more than a tad passive aggressive and I think it's pretty shit behaviour to be honest. I heard a lot of ladies just pass the child over to hubbies as soon as they enter the door but mine is pissed off because I've asked him to take interest in DS a bit more than 30 minutes a day.

Should I just let him get through his passive aggressive motions and not give a damn? I've been trying to protect him from the hardships of parenthood but I can't go at it on my own :-///

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 14/03/2017 20:09

I'd arrange a few days away with your friends and leave him to it.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 14/03/2017 20:12

Why did you feel the need to protect your dh from the hardships of parenthood ffs???

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2017 20:16

He sounds pretty far from perfect. Watching films all night and ignoring you ffs! I think stern words need to be had.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/03/2017 20:19

as close to perfection as any man can get. Really. Hmm

Original poster
Kuverty · 14/03/2017 20:22

I don't want to go into details why he really is a great husband in many other aspects as would take too long to write so you'd have to trust me on this. He's really been perfect this far... Though recently he's just so detached from me also, wouldn't even give me a bloody cuddle when he gets into bed. I'm quite annoyed thought I was doing something nice for him by taking full charge of DS but seem to have messed him up instead.

OP posts:
Lottylovesbread · 14/03/2017 20:26

I really think you need to elaborate on the perfect bit. Not feeling it from your post.

Orangetoffee · 14/03/2017 20:33

Maybe he was a near perfect husband but he doesn't sound like much of a father.

Ellisandra · 14/03/2017 20:36

No, I can't trust you on it.

As near to perfect as you can get? I just nearly vomited Hmm

Come on love - he's clearly not.

Until you take him off that pedestal, you won't move forward.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 14/03/2017 20:38

I've been trying to protect him from the hardships of parenthood

Why? Was he not involved in the making of the baby?

Secretlife0fbees · 14/03/2017 20:38

Doesn't sound very perfect to me. I read: useless emotionally absent father, selfish and emotionally absent husband. Uninterested in making a connection with his own son? Like he's not actually a person at all just an inconvenient object and doesn't even connect with you either; sat on his phone talking to his mates and watching Netflix... wow what a catch!

Doyoumind · 14/03/2017 20:39

He's not perfect. He thinks it's your job to look after your ds.

You need to speak to him again. If he's that good he'll listen and understand.

Make it about the benefit to your son of him spending more time with him rather than about taking over from you, and he might be more inclined to help out.

NotTheFordType · 14/03/2017 20:40

OK, so what happened after you said "Hey, I've foolishly been trying to pretend I can cope with everything, but actually, haha! I'm human and I can't? Can we please talk about how we can divide tasks between us because we are both adults and parents to this child?"

LuchiMangsho · 14/03/2017 20:42

Not sure why you need to protect the father of a child from the actual bringing up of the said child. This is beyond bizarre. Do you think he's incapable of it? I had to recently spend seven weeks in hospital and my husband did everything- cooking, cleaning, looking after a 5 year old which included all school and extra curricular activities and managed to visit me in hospital almost every day. I don't think he wants a medal for it, he's just doing his duty as a father and a husband.

Original poster
Kuverty · 14/03/2017 20:43

Okay let's just finish this thread then. I was looking more to people maybe sharing similar experiences and how to talk it out / resolve rather than anonymous bashing of my partner. Don't really have him on a pedestal but I'm also not into mindlessly slagging off someone I care about on a forum. Yes I am a bit displeased, guess I'd just have to deal with it.

OP posts:
FrancesHaHa · 14/03/2017 20:44

If I were you I'd be inclined to make sure he takes on set parts of the childcare for example, most men I know whose partners are at home do bedtime every night, at least one morning on the weekend to give a lie in to the woman etc.

bedtime especially would make it more difficult for him to try to be on phone/ Netflix at the same time.

Jazzywazzydodah · 14/03/2017 20:44

You need a break away.

I've been in your situation and you need to get out the house away from them both. It will help you see things more clearly.

Don't ask for baby back tonight - just go get in bed.

I raised my dd1 for 15 years by myself so when I met dh and had dd2 I was just so used to doing every thing I carried on. Resulting in feeling very overwhelmed and under appreciated.

Put the breaks on and out you first from now on.

Secretlife0fbees · 14/03/2017 20:45

But you did say he was perfect and then declared lots of unfavourable behaviour which contradicts your declaration of perfection.. people are just trying to understand what you mean since he's clearly not!

BastardGoDarkly · 14/03/2017 20:48

How old is the baby?

BlackMirror · 14/03/2017 20:48

You have made a rod for your own back and he has taken full advantage.

You need to tell him very explicitly that you need him to take ds and do his bath and bedtime as you need a break. Hand child over and go to your room and shut the door.

pinkyredrose · 14/03/2017 20:49

Can you give at least one or two examples of his perfection? It's just that people can't give advice if they can't relate to an issue and it's pretty difficult to see where you're coming from at the moment.

SavoyCabbage · 14/03/2017 20:51

Ok, then perhaps he is perfection apart from this one (absolutely massive) issue.

Does he feel capable with looking after your ds? Is he 'allowed' by you to crack on with stuff without fear of criticism? Often the SAHP ends up being an expert on everything and the one who is off out at work,gets left behind.

TizzyDongue · 14/03/2017 20:51

I'm very nosey intertested to know why he's close to perfect.

Also intrigued to hear why the obvious and huge flaws in his husbanding, that you told us about, don't decrease his perfection rating.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 14/03/2017 20:51

He must be very far from being any sort of df @30 minutes a day interaction!!
Poor boy!!

LuchiMangsho · 14/03/2017 20:52

You want us to share similar experiences of our incompetent partners and how they magically transformed into doting fathers?! I think the key to that is not to see them as incompetent parents in the first place. Is there anything you do (other than breastfeeding if you are), that DH can't do? Then leave him to it. Go take a walk. Go sit in a cafe. Leave them to it. He'll figure it out. You shouldn't have to ASK the father of your child to spend time with him. There is nothing wonderful or perfect about that.
If I told you about a mother who barely glanced at her child all evening after work, you wouldn't be quite so forgiving? So why does he get a free pass because he has a penis?!

RandomMess · 14/03/2017 20:52

The thing is it sounds as though you haven't let him build a relationship with your DS, he's not had the opportunity to develop a connection.

How do you change that? Regular time with him in charge including meals and bedtime etc. Without you criticising the way he does it.

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