Husband funny about taking care of DS

[Kuverty]

Okay first of all I have a husband who is as close to perfection as a man can get I think and part of me feels guilty about writing this but I feel like I have to rant and don't want to go to friends as they obviously know him and would never want to put him in a bad light. Plus could use some objective advice.

Husband is really weird about childcare. It's my fault as I think I spoilt him too much by just taking care of everything around DS. He would ask me in the past if I was coping and I'd always act like a bloody Wonder Woman even though I often felt exhausted. I think I felt I had to take full responsibility for DS since hubby is in full time employment and I'm home all day with LO not even cooking or cleaning as DS was so absorbing.

But with time I just grown more tired and I feel like DH almost checked out from the whole child rearing process and me to some extent. He'd come home (in no rush really) then start preparing his dinner, sit down, relax, call his mate. In the meantime I've been on DS duty since 7:30 and bear in mind my baby doesn't nap at all. It just makes me sad that I always try to be compassionate and give him some time off to relax after work but that's not really reciprocated. I feel like he does not give a shit about me having any down time whatsoever. Yesterday in addition to his dinner / mate calling routine he sat down and watched a couple of movies on Netflix. Didn't even cross his mind to relief me of DS duties. Then when he has him it's like he is still trying to enjoy himself despite DS (no talking to DS or playing with him just carries him around and checks his phone the same time or watches telly.) He only has him for about 30 minutes a day and he still doesn't care about making any connection with him :-/

So I spoke to him about it today and now he's been with DS the last couple of hours and wouldn't even hand him back over to me which seems more than a tad passive aggressive and I think it's pretty shit behaviour to be honest. I heard a lot of ladies just pass the child over to hubbies as soon as they enter the door but mine is pissed off because I've asked him to take interest in DS a bit more than 30 minutes a day.

Should I just let him get through his passive aggressive motions and not give a damn? I've been trying to protect him from the hardships of parenthood but I can't go at it on my own :-///

Well,sorry but no-one has similar experiences, because we aren't married to 'perfection'. You've got everyone's back up immediately with your silly choice of words.

OP, could you maybe carve out some time that's just for your OH and child and then work up to longer amounts of time?

So, maybe, an hour out of the house on a Saturday? And gradually build it up to an afternoon?

Or maybe OH can do baths or bedtimes?

I feel for you. You tried to do a nice thing for someone else and it's kind of left you a bit stuck.

Ok just read your other thread, I hope your baby is feeling better now. So he's 11/12 wks? The fact that you described the Dr as a chubby blonde with a deep tan which made you doubt her diagnosis was rather 'off' I thought but you do sound stressed. Your husband needs a boot up his perfect arse.

Have you been so engrossed in Parenthood and doing it all that you've shut him out? From you and DS? Do you trust him to take care of DS? Because if you do, you need to give him the opportunity to do so.
It's no surprise he's got used to entertaining himself if you and DS have been occupied between yourselves. That's not protecting DH it's shutting him out. Unless you have real concerns that DS wouldn't be safe in his sole care?

Reading your post the thing that jumped out at me was the phrase "childcare". In my experience, most men don't come home and interact with their child because it's their turn to "do" the childcare. They usually want to see and be with their child. I think I'd be worried that my partner didn't seem to want or need any connection with our baby. That's his choice, you haven't made that happen.

I can well believe your dh was a very good husband before your baby arrived - "your" as in his and yours. Unfortunately he appears to be one of those men who feels pushed out by the arrival of a child. That's about him and his needs, and in my opinion has nothing to do with you trying to take all the pressure off him. I too think it's a shame you felt you had to do this. Ok, so he goes to work. Anyone who's done both knows that the early months with a baby are incredibly hard. He doesn't get to only choose/be allowed one role.

I think you need to tell him what you've told us in your OP. Be calm but straight with him. If you have a strong bond, and he's been a good dh, he should be able to hear what you say. What he decides to do about it is up to him.

OK it's not completely unheard of for the mother to do the majority of childcare activities in the first few weeks. You now need to enable your husband to build his own relationship with his son, as well as help out with housework. Whether that is giving him specific times and tasks, like bathtime and putting on a load of washing every evening, or just going out or for a nap for a few hours and leaving him to his own devices, the only way this will change is if you force him to parent. I agree with telling him that for some unknown reason you've been trying to protect him, but that is not how you want family life to be.

Wow so many replies - thank you to everyone. I guess my introduction was in a striking contrast to what followed, I just used the word "perfect" as a shorthand expression. Didn't want to go into minute detail as to all the kind things he has done for me previously and carries on doing. Basically before DS's arrival I had great support in DH, and even now he is still doing a complete house clean on weekends and does all the shopping for the family, sorts out the car and has been planning our holiday. So you see he really is a decent bloke.

He's also just been promoted which required some intense manoeuvring the last few weeks (involved getting another job - multistage process, a very technical interview, a lot of prep, then negotiating with current employer, etc etc.)

So he is really great in very many ways but the thing with DS worried me, I started getting resentful over this and hence this thread.

Come to think about it maybe I'm being unreasonable expecting him to do things with DS if he is in charge of pretty much everything else, but I guess I'd prefer a scenario where he'd come home happy and willing to engage with DS and leave me to do some housework for instance. I just don't feel like he's very happy to see either of us at the end of the day at the moment.

Some people advised just "shutting the door and leaving him to it" meaning - leaving him to take care of DS - and I thought of doing that too. I don't know why I always get that guilt feeling like I should really take over and don't put the extra "burden" (horrible word I know) on him.

@Sherlock35

That's exactly how I feel, and to add insult to injury it seems that it made my DH depreciate what childcare really entails. I seriously think in his eyes it's all TV watching and laying about with DS attached to my bob. Granted some days are easier than others and I do get to watch some daytime TV, BUT don't think he understands that the lack of basic independence - simple things like the ability to take a shower, sip a cup of tea in peace, constantly having to think of a little person in the back of your mind etc gets really depressing - especially over a long period of time.

@pinkyredrose - yes my remark on the GP was unfortunate, but she was a bit patronising and dismissive to be honest. DS is not so great and you are right, this is putting more stress on me. Thanks for wishing him health x

@sweets101 and @nicenewdusters

I think I should start to see it this way more - I'm not really doing him any favours long term by taking over and sabotaging their connection. Even if he doesn't see much joy in spending time with DS now he'd want to have a relationship with him down the line. Yes I breastfeed and it has been a massive factor in DH being a bit sidelined - especially as DS refuses the bottle. I left them both once for a couple of hours, returned to the baby screaming like there's no tomorrow turned out he was starving but wouldn't take bottle from DH. I've been a bit paranoid letting him get on with it since actually. Thanks for making me consider that.

You are not unreasonable in wanting him to step up as a father. Hand ds over and go for a sleep or something. DH can still prepare and eat his dinner, call his mate whilst looking after DS, especially as he is still so little. Don't feel guilty, DS is as much his child as yours.

I feel really sad for you. This is not
How a father or great husband works.

Parenthood is hard and he sounds really rather selfish. Sorting out food shopping /
Car and. Holidays is nothing compared to bringing up happy children.

I'm suddenly feeling more grateful as my DH is amazing compared to this! Wake up OP, you are obviously very loyal but gosh have years and years of Thais if you don't take action and it will affect the relationship your DC have with their father.

I'm Sorry OP if my last message was a bit harsh. I'm also in the throes of toddler life and it is really hard and had a burst of crossness!

Today I've had poo explosion everywhere and 2 projectile vomits all over curtains and carpets and myself and hair. I need to go to bed!

To answer your specific question, yes I think you do need to stick to this in the face of his passive aggression and learn not to give a damn. After all, there were two of you involved in making this baby and the world, including him, doesn't give a damn about whether you feel like looking after it or not: you are just expected to get on with it. So I wouldn't get consumed with guilt on your dh's behalf either. As you said, it's for his own sake as much as anything else.

@mainlywingingit Oh poor you - projectile vomitting is the worst, been there with DS. It's so stressful for us moms. I really hope he feels better soon :(

Eh I am loyal but just spoken to him again and it just got me so depressed. Part of me is worried that something is changing between us. The way he spoke about DS was just matter of fact like he's just a project that'd we'd be doing together for the next however many years. Also lots of blah blah about his work and how hard it is, but he has to do it to "sustain his family" - literally is all sounded like confessions of someone who gave up on finding any joy in life.

I'm off to bed now and just hope I'm reading too much into all of this.

Your child is really young and as you are bf it's quite common that men feel a bit redundant and, possibly a bit left out of the new family dynamic.

Ask him to get home for baby bath time. Let him do the bath or other care routines without you checking and correcting him. Do I Hingis together and connect over your child.

It's new to him as well as you but although you are the one who feels sore, exhausted and stressed, he's got a whole lot of strange new feelings too. Talk and try to work together as parents of DC as opposed to just a couple.

You'll get there fine. A ask him to switch off his phone for a while.

Thanks for understanding.just felt I was being unsupportive to a fellow mum.

Well it's an amazing time but It's put pressure on our relationship at times. My husband does do lots and I feel unappreciative sometimes. I do the night wakings as he has work and am currently SAHM and I find it tiring having my sleep disrupted.

I think it's easy to not be in touch and you might need to reconnect. Children kill sponenaiety so maybe that's why you feel the sparkle for life has gone for him.

Do you think you've spoilt him a bit pre baby too? Maybe he needs a deeper bond before he can enjoy the parenting side?

I've recently started DH doing RugbyTots on a Saturday morning . I went to the first 3 and now he goes. I get a lie in (kind of as it's chaos with my DH trying to get them both ready) but they enjoy it and my husband's confidence has grown having a solo activity.

My DS is 2.2 and I recently insisted my DH take DS to Tescos and he tried to get out of it but I was insistent. My DH enjoyed the trolley experience and it was a suprise to my DH how that small little trip was nice. So I think it can be a confidence issue too.

What is Your DH's relationship with his own mother & father like? Might shed some light .

@MatildaTheCat When we spoke he said I get DS when he is "most fun" and when he comes home it's usually the colicky-miserable period. It's a little bit true - usually he fusses and moans between 7-9 but any mom knows that saying one gets loads of "fun time" with a 11 week old is really quite an exaggeration (sure I get loads of smiles in the morning and some blabbing when he is happy and rested but there's still feeding, nappies, rocking, singing, changing outfits after he throws up on himself, taking him to doctors etc - not really my idea of entertainment.) This also enforced my view that he thinks I have it quite easy as it is. And because of BF and bottle refusal I have no way of SHOWING him ex. leave him with DS for more than 2 hours.

He has now taken over rocking DS to sleep most nights - though that's not very hard these days since LO just drops off around 9 each night pretty much on his own. Just likes to be held by someone when he falls asleep.

When it was really hard the first several weeks and DS was crying his heart out till pass midnight every day he just let me get on with it and go to sleep (he'd ask me if it was okay for him to go to sleep and at that time I thought I could handle it - idiot! - also I felt bad for him having to wake up for work in the morning - how ironic since he saw the struggle I was going through and didn't feel bad for me for a second.)

I think it's the lack of compassion that gets me - he never used to be like that. Ever since a few weeks past DS arrival DH would see me dirty and tired with a crying baby on my arm and just doesn't mind. Carries on with checking the news or whatever.

It takes a massive adjustment for both new parents when they first bring that new baby home.
In my own extended family I've noticed the new mums with a first baby doing the same as you, trying desperately hard to be superwoman and becoming desperately worn out in the process. Meanwhile, some new dads either have the mental maturity to totally step up and step in when partner is exhausted; while another new dad of my acquaintance has, for whatever reason, mentally checked out.
And the reason for checking out? He feels sidelined. He feels as if two's company and three's a crowd. He feels that he has no say in what goes on and is beginning to resent the 24/7 nature of new babies and new motherhood.
He wants his old life back, pre pregnancy, pre baby. And he's now talking about getting a room in a house share to give them all some 'space'.
As I see it, the new dads who cope are the ones who have a strong character, a solid moral compass and have good role models to emulate when things get tough.
The ones who don't cope are the ones with narcissistic tendencies who put themselves first, second and last, are emotionally unavailable unless it suits, have binary views on male/female role modelling and find it impossible to articulate why they're feeling marginalised.
And so, which category does your OH fall into? You need to talk about all of this urgently before matters spiral into a deathly routine of you 'protecting', him and him permanently checking out.

What do you do on weekends? If your DH feels he misses that more interactive time at the start of the day, could you not get a lie in at the weekends/stay in bed with a book or Netflix while he gets up and does everything with your son? He could bring him to you for breastfeeding, but then the rest of the time actually look after him, play with him, take him for a walk?

My DS was a really grumpy baby and looking after him was generally no fun at all, but it all went into building that connection between him and me/DH which pays off massively in the long run.

Talk about not being able to make a cup of tea? Wait till he is a toddler and you can't go to the bathroom alone! 😂

That aside, when my son was born 2 years ago, everything my husband did irritated me. Everything , from how he did nappies to how he put the car seat in the car. I realise now that I was just exhausted. Your baby is only 11 weeks old. Give it time. For what it's worth, I never expected my husband to be up at night with me when he was working. Just wasn't fair. We had a system. He slept in the spare room and in the middle of the night, if I needed a break or a drink or toast or something he would get up and fetch, or whatever. And he also did any night time waking with toddler. And still does.

I do know people who try to be the martyr and do everything and so the husband just stops trying and then the wife gets upset the husband isn't doing more with the baby/children.

How involved is he with the fun parts like nappy changing, cleaning up sick, dealing with teething etc during the weekend? The only thing he cannot do is breast feeding, everything else can (should) be shared.

I think You mentioned somewhere you are going on a holiday soon, make sure he steps up then otherwise it won't be much of a holiday for you.

So you've played the mummy martyr and now you're over it but in the meantime, your H has become accustomed to being a hands off parent. You're both responsible for your relationship and parenting dynamic but it appears you really can't see your massive contribution by being a mummy martyr thus far.

If you want a more equal parenting relationship you need to stop with the martyrdom and passive aggression and have a grown up conversation.

Firstly, you need to have a conversation with yourself because your behaviour has contributed massively to the situation. What's behind the martyrdom? If you say everything's fine you really can't complain when people take you at your word. Motherhood is hard and the language you describe your H and the way that you've behaved as a Mother, suggest that being seen to be 'perfect' is a thing for you.
You owe it to yourself and your family to understand why you behave the way you do.

Secondly, be honest about your past martyrdom and explain that you want and need your H to actively parent his son. Then discuss practical ways that this can be achieved as well as things you can do to encourage and support his input. However, it will mean that your parental autonomy will be challenged because you can not expect him to parent only your way.

So stop with the PA and talk.

How old is DS?

My DH didn't seem to feel anything for our DS, and was totally removed from him and much of childcare, until something clicked at around 16 months and now he's totally besotted.

There's no reason he can't arrive and take over childcare for an hour while you have some childfree time relaxing. Maybe he could do the bath and bedtime change? And later rocking.

My oh can check out a bit at times. Once he has done that, it's quite hard to check back in. He works long and irratic hours during the week so limits what he can regularly do with the kids

Every so often I find a class or activity he can take the kids to on the weekend and book them all onto it and make him take them. Once he does it once it reminds him he can do it and it's actually quite enjoyable and he is more involved elsewhere.

It's harder for me to wash my hands for that few hours and not pack their bag, get involved but it does me good too to trust their dad to take them out on their own as I can get too involved with the kids myself and accidentally push him out.

It works as a sobering up/reset/reminder for us all.

Check out things like tumble tots, tennis,rugby/soccertots, swimming lessons etc that could become their activity.

Just seen he is 11weeks old.

Look at baby swimming (waterbabies, puddle ducks and some local companies) and go for a weekend session - often quite a few dads do those sessions.

Also, check for any dad and tots groups - we used to have a Saturdads near us.