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Original poster

Is this normal ?

83 replies

annabananna82 · 13/03/2017 23:57

So I've been off the dating scene for aggggges

Met someone couple of months ago and we are now an item

But I have a couple of concerns and would like your advice

He has been noting but lovely
The relationship is going very well and he seems very happy as I am

This weekend I'm going on a girls night out
It's been planned before we even became an item and I don't go out very often just whenever us mummies can arrange baby sitters etc

Anyway.....he has said he's worried about me going out.....asked why and this weekend he seemed to lay it on thick

He has said he's worried in case I get chatted up - I've said I'm not interested in anyone else as I'm happy with him! And although it's early days I've tried to reassure but he still says he's worried....he said because he has been cheated on in the past but I've said I wouldn't do anything to hurt him

He said he trusts me as I've done nothing to abuse that but he can't help it

What worries me too is that he has asked what I'm wearing and how I am when I'm out and had a drink ? Do I flirt?

And then yesterday I told him I'm considering joining the gym and he then said he was really worried I was going to meet someone in there ?!

At this point I've started to think is this right?

He then said he wasn't going to say anything so I could just have a good night as he didn't wanna make me feel bad but then he thought be better tell me ? So then I'm thinking why did he tell me then did he want me to feel bad?

I asked my bf and she said it's normal as if her boyf of 3 yrs said he's having a boys night out even she would be slightly worried ?

Just need some advice please as I'm feeling a bit concerned

Xx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 14/03/2017 09:55

If he was going out with the boys would you be saying what he is saying to you?
Of course not.
I've been cheated on massively!
If a new BF said he was going on a boys night I'd wish him a good night and arrange a night out of my own.
What you are describing is not healthy!

KatharinaRosalie · 14/03/2017 09:56

No, being constantly worried and paranoid that your OH will meet someone when they do everyday things, like meeting friends or working out, is not normal. If you said you are going to Swinger's club then that's of course a different matter.

Go out as you want, don't modify your behaviour if you consider it reasonable yourself. Pay attention to what happens.

user1489179512 · 14/03/2017 10:06

He is not going to change. This is not about you, it's about him. In a normal relationship you would not have such thoughts or come into this forum to hint at your concerns.

Get out of it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/03/2017 10:07

I have tried to reassure him already but it's not worked.... he keeps saying he's worried about sat saying he has visualise me calling him the next day to say I got with someone?!
Nights out, joining a gym, what's next on his Stop list?
After the weekend will he be chilled and reassured, I don't think so.
The level of detail he wanted was creepy.

At 36 dare I say it, if he's gone out with more than one person it would be astonishing if some partner at some stage hadn't cheated or overlapped with another.
You were cheated on, you aren't asking him similar questions or pouting because he probably mixes with other females. He can't control what another adult does.

user1489179512 · 14/03/2017 10:07

onto

Marigold76 · 14/03/2017 10:24

Lots of red flags OP.

He might be lovely and genuinely worried BUT he is unfortunately behaving exactly like someone setting the scene for further controlling behaviour. The reason everyone keeps posting the same is because his behaviour is identical to what a lot of us have already experienced. And it never ends well.

By all means, go out on Saturday and be prepared for a grilling and sulks when you return. Also you'll get a million texts while you're out.

The biggest red flag for me was your comment: and hopefully he will know after he sees me that he can trust me

He's already got the ball rolling.

He will only 'know' he can trust you if you submit to a grilling. How else will he 'know' he can trust you? Just because you came back?

Hills. Run for them FlowersFlowers

corythatwas · 14/03/2017 10:43

What other posters have said:

*It is misogynistic: there is no way he is going to let you control his dress code for fear other women should throw themselves at him- the underlying message is that a woman's job is to look modest and not attract attention.

*Thinking he can control you on the strength of going out with you for a couple of months is deeply disrespectful and shows his low opinion of women.

  • Even if he did feel these fears, there is a reason he is telling you about them: he wants to change your behaviour, not confront his own insecurities.

  • He is not just insecure- he is blaming you and putting the responsibility on you.

  • You are already feeling uncomfortable about the most ordinary and harmless activities- and no doubt a little guilty because you are causing him stress? Is that a way to live? How long before you can't even pop down the shops or go to work without feeling guilty?

Lunalovepud · 14/03/2017 10:51

I'd be concerned about his behaviour and also concerned that he hasn't moved on from his previous relationship emotionally I he is behaving like this.

FinallyHere · 14/03/2017 10:51

This ^ ,that is, wot they all said

Imagine what you life would be like, with him being worried about everything. It really is truly horrible.

I was going to say, that you cannot stop him worrying about , but I suppose you can: if you call it a day, he can stop worrying about it, because it will have already happened.

Do him, and yourself into the bargain, a kindness and end it & tell him why.

dailydance · 14/03/2017 11:25

Get away while you can. Being cheated on by an ex is no excuse for controlling behaviour. Run a mile and do it quickly

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 14/03/2017 11:33

This is not at all normal and at such an early stage in your relationship this shouldn't be an issue and it will only get worse.

He doesn't want you to go out. He has already ruined a night that you are looking forward to by making you worried about this. He will do this every time you have a night out. That is not normal behaviour.

Look on the bright side, at least you found out early enough in your relationship

JK1773 · 14/03/2017 18:33

Big red flags. I ended up with YEARS of moody petulant behaviour when I wanted to go out, caused a row the morning of my night out every time or 'no I thought we'd do something that night' blah blah blah. It's just a headache and no matter how strong minded you are you do end up sacrificing some of your plans just to avoid rows. I'd never ever go back there

Starlighter · 14/03/2017 18:42

If he's been cheated on and he's worried, this could explain some of the behaviour. And it's normal to be a little bit insecure early on in any relationship imo. But asking what you're wearing and being worried about the gym is a bit OTT.

Be wary. See how Saturday goes. If he's calling you every 5 minutes, guilt-tripping you and giving you the third degree, I'd get outta there!

Aquamarine1029 · 14/03/2017 20:35

RUN LIKE HELL and don't look back. Believe him when he shows you who he really is - controlling and manipulative. End it NOW.

Orangetoffee · 14/03/2017 20:46

'Hopefully he will know that he can trust me' Really? How are you going to show him he can trust you, by dressing like a nun, not drinking, text him every 5 minutes? Why would you want to show him he can trust you? you know you can be trusted so he either acepts that or leaves.

corythatwas · 14/03/2017 21:02

I just don't see what good "explaining his behaviour" is going to be to the OP. She is not his mother, she is not his wife of 50 years, she is not in any way, shape or form responsible for his emotional wellbeing. This is a new boyfriend whom she has only just started to get to know, she is still at the stage where she has to decide whether he is a good fit. She owes him nothing.

LoveDeathPrizes · 14/03/2017 21:06

Enough red flags here to topple a bull. Get out!

Arealhumanbeing · 14/03/2017 21:13

It's hard OP, but in my experience this is unlikely to get any better.

Maybe see how things are during and after your night out. I predict it won't go well.

And join the gym if you want to!

WorknameJimEllis · 14/03/2017 21:15

When someone tells you who they are.. listen

PushingThru · 14/03/2017 21:29

Just get rid. Teach him a lesson & show yourself and all women some respect.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 14/03/2017 21:37

Trust isn't something you GIVE someone to do what they like with, it's something within YOU. He needs to learn this. I've been cheated on and I absolutely know I'm not ready for another relationship until I have also learned this, and am feeling much stronger. Doesn't necessarily mean he's a control freak, just that he probably isn't ready for a relationship right now.

Gallavich · 14/03/2017 21:40

Run like the wind
He is controlling. What he is saying and doing to you is controlling already. Don't walk into a controlling relationship with eyes open!

Cat2014 · 14/03/2017 22:56

Hmm, I wouldn't necessarily run yet, but I'd let him know this sort of thing isn't acceptable to you. If he continues to do it or disregards what you say THEN I'd be out of there. But I'd give him a chance first

SandyY2K · 14/03/2017 23:15

I'd quite simply tell him, you are going out, you are joining the gym and if these normal activities are an issue for him, due to his past experiences, despite your assurances, then you can't see a future and it might be best to part company now, before you both get deeper in it.

WatchingFromTheWings · 14/03/2017 23:28

Being in contact all day would concern me. Sounds like he's keeping tabs. The rest of it would cause alarm bells to ring. I'd run.

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