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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal ?

83 replies

annabananna82 · 13/03/2017 23:57

So I've been off the dating scene for aggggges

Met someone couple of months ago and we are now an item

But I have a couple of concerns and would like your advice

He has been noting but lovely
The relationship is going very well and he seems very happy as I am

This weekend I'm going on a girls night out
It's been planned before we even became an item and I don't go out very often just whenever us mummies can arrange baby sitters etc

Anyway.....he has said he's worried about me going out.....asked why and this weekend he seemed to lay it on thick

He has said he's worried in case I get chatted up - I've said I'm not interested in anyone else as I'm happy with him! And although it's early days I've tried to reassure but he still says he's worried....he said because he has been cheated on in the past but I've said I wouldn't do anything to hurt him

He said he trusts me as I've done nothing to abuse that but he can't help it

What worries me too is that he has asked what I'm wearing and how I am when I'm out and had a drink ? Do I flirt?

And then yesterday I told him I'm considering joining the gym and he then said he was really worried I was going to meet someone in there ?!

At this point I've started to think is this right?

He then said he wasn't going to say anything so I could just have a good night as he didn't wanna make me feel bad but then he thought be better tell me ? So then I'm thinking why did he tell me then did he want me to feel bad?

I asked my bf and she said it's normal as if her boyf of 3 yrs said he's having a boys night out even she would be slightly worried ?

Just need some advice please as I'm feeling a bit concerned

Xx

OP posts:
BusterGonad · 14/03/2017 04:11

I've never been in a controlling relationship but this sure sounds like one to me, I hate men like this, especially if it's things he's trying to control whilst doing them himself! Get out while you can, you won't ha able to change his way of thinking!

Anniegetyourgun · 14/03/2017 05:47

Hmm, I didn't know my ex was dating again! Run away, run away.

Oh, and you do have the right to leave him for being insecure, or for any reason or none at all. You don't have to prove to a jury why it's ok not to date someone.

Shoxfordian · 14/03/2017 05:49

Sounds controlling to me too. Another vote for running away!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2017 06:43

"Not sure I can finish it as he is insecure but yes if this is the start of him Being controlling he won't win!!! As I won't be controlled by anyone"

His behaviours are from wanting power and control over another person; its not just insecurity at work here.

Of course you can end this relationship, do not choose not to. You only need to give your own self permission to say that its no longer working. The red flags here re him are fluttering in the wind; do not ignore or minimise what is happening here. Abusive people as well are not nasty all the time either; if they were no-one would want to date them. You are already seeing the nice/nasty cycle here from him and its a continuous one.

Do not become that frog in the pan of boiling water; he is actively testing your boundaries here and you have not already told him to do one unfortunately. You need to separate from him now because this sort of abuse does ramp up over time.

You already are being controlled by him; he is keeping tabs on you and asking you about what you are wearing.

Would suggest you also read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. This man is in those pages.

TheoriginalLEM · 14/03/2017 06:49

If this is what he is like now he will slowly but SURELY isolate you from friends and family. You'll probably get the 3rd degree if you take too long foingvthe food shop.

I can't think of anything less attractive than a lack of trust.

run, run fast

Greaterexpectations · 14/03/2017 06:52

Sounds like my jealous, controlling, abusive ex. He'd also "been cheated on" when in fact I found out he was the one who'd cheated in past relationships. Run for the hills >>>>>>>

SorrelSoup · 14/03/2017 06:55

Who can be bothered with this shit??? I bet you do modify your behaviour when you go out and spend half the night texting him, cos that's how it works. You'll work extra hard to reassure him and he'll keep taking control.

It's not normal, it's not flattering, and I would think he's just starting to reveal his true self. The chatting all day is too much too. Does he ask for pics so he can check where you are? The gym thing is really frightening.

AnyFucker · 14/03/2017 07:01

You can't end it ?

Yes you can.

Ellisandra · 14/03/2017 07:04

Of course it's not normal.

And it's really offensive too!

He's not saying he's a bit nervous you'll attract attention - he's quizzing you on your flirting behaviour when drinking (blaming YOU) and basically accusing you of possibly wearing provocative clothes - flaunting it (blaming YOU)

My biased boyfriend thinks I'm totally gorgeous and would assume men would be attracted to me. He also (rightly) assumes I wouldn't even notice or would decline the attention.

This has got NOTHING to do with being cheated on - if he was.

He's got you feeling so worried about a simple rare night out with friends that you're posting on here. I'm glad you're at least feeling uncomfortable! You should be!

How long before the self pitying (fake!) "I'm so scared you'll cheat" woe is me shit means you think twice about a night out to avoid his shit?

If he genuinely has a trust issue from being cheated on - and frankly, I'd eat an entire milliner's stock room if he has - then he needs to see a therapist.

I would actually make that a condition of continuing to date him (although I actually would just dump his nasty controlling arse now)

AdaColeman · 14/03/2017 07:06

So you've only known him for a couple of months but already he is trying to change and control your life. You talk constantly through the day so he always knows where you are and what you are doing.

He is controlling you by using guilt and emotional blackmail to make you feel that you have to "obey" him.
Imagine what he would be like if you became a SAHM, with him as the only earner, he would control your every move.

Run, run for the hills, and don't look back.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 14/03/2017 07:18

Not normal. He and you can't control all the other men in the world, and you can't pretend you will never encounter another man or that no other men will ever find you attractive or talk to you or flirt with you. The only thing you can control is how you respond to it if it happens, and that's the part he needs trust and faith in.

If he wants to keep you under lock and key to stop it from happening, that's not normal and not sustainable.

KarmaNoMore · 14/03/2017 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thewideeyedpea · 14/03/2017 07:31

As previously suggested....Make a run for it. Not normal behaviour IMHO.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 14/03/2017 07:34

Just another voice saying that this does not look good at all. I would be very put off by his behaviour.

RaeofSun · 14/03/2017 07:34

This does sound controlling and him wanting to isolate you tbh. If you said to him you wouldn't think he'd be chatting up women if he was out with his friends as you trust him what would he say? Do you think it would be "but I wouldn't want to go out without you"? If so run away fast unless you like being glued at the hip. Or he's projecting his own behaviours when he's out onto you?

It's insulting that he's actively saying he doesn't trust you and making you feel bad for wanting to enjoy an evening with your friends. Flowers have a fun evening and DON'T text him until you're home.

ChuckDaffodils · 14/03/2017 07:38

Not sure I can finish it as he is insecure but yes if this is the start of him Being controlling he won't win!!! As I won't be controlled by anyone

Can I bring you straight back to the start of your sentence there...you are being controlled already as evidenced in you not being able to finish it as he is insecure!

Come on OP - you know this is already a bad bad sign. End it before you have no friends to go out with, nobody calls you any more due to his behaviour and you leave your good job to be a SAHM and have no money to leave and are scared of your own shadow.

TheNaze73 · 14/03/2017 08:29

He sounds like a control freak. I'd bin him off. It sounds like, he has you under constant surveillance with your texting already.
Keeping your normal routines is so important when you're in a relationship, you need time apart. He sounds ghastly

ExplodingCarrots · 14/03/2017 08:39

What coffee said...with bells on. He's really trying to guilt trip and manipulate you in to not going. Big red flags. Get out now before you're 'not allowed' anywhere. I would bet my house that his last gfs ran for the hills rather than cheated on him. He's telling you who he is...listen. I've been with DP for 10 years and he's never told me he's worried about me going out. If anything, he encourages it so he can play the PlayStation .

Chuck him and enjoy your girly night. Flowers

LastMangoInPeckham · 14/03/2017 08:49

Run for it and be glad you've made a lucky escape!!

BitchQueen90 · 14/03/2017 08:53

Definitely controlling. I've been cheated on and I don't act like that. That's just an excuse for being a controlling twat.

hellocleveland · 14/03/2017 09:01

My DH was cheated on in his first marriage and then again with another girlfriend. At no point in our 25 years together has he ever asked me what I'm wearing, who I'm going out with etc. A man who has been cheated on does not automatically behave the way your DP is. It's no excuse. I would be very wary in continuing this relationship. The fact you feel uncomfortable should ring those alarm bells. He's unlikely to change in the future.

Original poster
annabananna82 · 14/03/2017 09:19

Hmm not what I wanted to hear but like you've all said I already know as I've posted....

Just feel it's a shame as I did really like him and I was going to see how he was Saturday and hopefully he will know after he sees me that he can trust me

Thanks for your replies

OP posts:
Faez · 14/03/2017 09:39

Not sure I can finish it as he is insecure but yes if this is the start of him Being controlling he won't win!!! As I won't be controlled by anyone

I don't understand this line?

Tenpenny · 14/03/2017 09:42

Honestly, if this is how he is at the Very Start then you need to run for the hills now! He will only get worse, I promise you.

Original poster
annabananna82 · 14/03/2017 09:47

Faez

What I mean is I feel it's not big enough to finish with someone I really like just because he is insecure
However if it is going to get worse and he ends up controlling me then I won't be the person to put up with it
That's evident already as I'm feeling a bit concerned and want this nipped in the bud

OP posts:
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