Any single mums who were screwed over by exes but are doing ok financially now?

[Namechanger2015]

My court and divorce dramas have been going on for two years, since I left abusive ex-husband.

Legally everything has been with the aim of a financial remedy hearing to expose his lies, hiding of money etc. We went to court and judge agreed with ex on every point. So I am liable for his costs too - approx £40k. So I lose the assets he passed to family and friends, and the bank accounts he emptied to his best mate, who ex now claims has run off with the money. I am 42 with no pension. Our rental properties were supposed to provide our pension but he disposed to his family and judge agreed with him. Despite him doing this within a week of me leaving the marital home.

Judge accepted that ex lied and withheld assets on his paperwork because he thinks ex was confused. Ex admitted he was violent on our marriage, judge believes it was still an equal marriage and I had equal access to funds, etc.

This leaves me with very little money going forward. I have a 9, 7 and 4yo that ex sees infrequently approx one a month. He is in arrears with child maintenance and as he is self employed will probably evade payment for ever. He does pay though - £600/month compared to CMS total which is £1,100 per month based on his income and his arrears.

I am self employed and work from home. Ex lives in marital home alone and rents out rooms which he denied to court. Cash in hand of course.

Kids and I live in cramped house with my parents and we will need to move out once this is over. School does not have after school clubs and so I work 9-2.30 and then 8.30-10.30 every day and am knackered and find this hard to maintain.

Please tell me it will be ok. I know I am free of his emotional harm etc but financially and practically tell me I will be fine. I'm scared. If it wasn't for my children I would quite happy take a handful of pills and end this but of course I never would. I am scared though. I don't want to read any responses if people tell me they aren't ok. Could cry.

Out of interest, where did the judge think you should live with the children post divorce or how you would pay for it?

The judge knew I had had to borrow money for legal fees but this didn't get a mention in his judgement. The judgement was made in writing so there was no real discussion of points.

I am not sure which hearing you just had? (Have been away and unable to keep up) anyway, it may be outside my own experiance, as DC were both young adults when I divorced. Although my divorce was stressful, at least it was, from a legal pt of view, "just me and Ex disputing the money side of things. Also, maybe things have chaged since then, as it was a few years ago now.

*just the money side of things

i.e. things like who the DC lived with and CSA didn't come into it at all

I thought the final hearing would be heard by a different judge. Does your legal team think that would make a difference?

Final hearing will be a different judge, yes.

But I am terrified of a final hearing as I now see how unpredictable the judges are and how biased this one was.

I haven't discussed the details of final hearings yet - we are disputing one point with the judge at the moment and as he was slow to respond with judgement we think it will be the same again.

So sol and i have decided to wait a few weeks to discuss to give me a chance to absorb and think about next steps.

silvery I think the process is still the same - you have a hearing and children, housing etc are all discussed. We had to have an extra case added in to deal with exh's financial misdemeanours as he had taken all of the assets and given them to his family. So we had to deal with that first as the assets were substantial and make a big difference to the overall pot to be shared out. As I lost that, the overall pot is now much smaller.

So the next hearing with be the final hearing and will deal with split of assets. But my experience at this court has not been good.

I know exactly what you mean about not trusting the courts/judges decisions but just check with your solicitor as i think it is not until you get to a final hearing that the judge see's any actual 'evidence' and maybe this could make a difference?

However as i said earlier upthread my personal experience (and based on precedents set) the judge just said "if it's all gone it's gone what do you expect me to do" (there are cases his barrister will use like my ex did) and it sounds like you are in a similar situation to me.

I hope you do get justice though and at least you may get something from the house??

Good luck!!!!

Thank you Donners. The judge sat through 3 days of evidence for the financial hearings, and as it will be a different judge for the final hearing (if we get that far) I am assuming the evidence already heard will not count for much at all.

I am hoping I get something from the house, I don't think it will be enough to house me and the children in London but it will be a start at least. It's a shock going from owning 5 properties to owning none.

But I was thinking today - I have always been a good person. When I was financially ok I was very aware of how lucky I was, I did loads for a local charity, and was involved in schemes for mums and children staying in refuges (the irony of it). I know it's utterly unrealistic but based on that I hope good things happen to good people. Maybe not via courts or money but generally I have lots of friends and family who are all as gutted as I am and are supporting me through this.

It's very up and down at the moment, I was crying this morning and ok this afternoon.

However as i said earlier upthread my personal experience (and based on precedents set) the judge just said "if it's all gone it's gone what do you expect me to do" (there are cases his barrister will use like my ex did) and it sounds like you are in a similar situation to me.

How does the judge get away with that? Did he suggest how you live and house the children?

ha ha!! there was no way for me and the children to be housed because ex took every penny.

So it is just down to you really - go in a refuge, get a council house, sleep on the streets.

My ex didn't care and there was nothing the judge could do (TBF the judge did say he would award me spousal maintenance but my ex doesn't even pay maintenance for his children so was never going to pay a penny to me - so i said i didn't want it, and i didn't!!)

I am OK though like i said to you before the children are all i care about and they are pretty happy. And i have a great family who have supported me and now i work and have a small flat from my families help.

What has become of your ex Donners? Do you/children still see him? He is not feeling bad about your situation at all?

I have my hopes pinned on ex being reasonable and allowing us to at least have a home for the children - that since he has won the assets he will be glad to have that and will cave on giving me back some of my earnings so we can house ourselves.

But he has not been inclined that way so far so family are not hopeful that he will do the right thing at all.

I'm seeing my counsellor today but I am dreading it as she is rubbish and never really helps. Just sighs a lot and never seems to quite grasp what I am saying - misunderstands a lot of the time or will interrupt with an irrelevant point. I'm just angry with everyone at the moment.

I am truly truly grateful to everyone sharing their experiences here.

My Ex doesn't work now (he was a high earner!!) - he does everything he can to try to destroy us all still (refuses to pay school fee's, reports me to social services and loads of crazy stuff).

But i blocked him on everything so have all my family and so have the children he saw them twice last year!!

I honestly don't even know which country he lives in or what he is doing.

How did your counseling go today? the anger is hard i am still angry too but i am trying to be forgiving (for my own sake). (but don't think it;s ever going to happen ).

Hi Donners that is crazy going from high earner to not working simply to spite you. He sounds totally unhinged. But it must be a nice feeling to have so little contact

Counselling was terrible, my counsellor told me I should have been contemplating worse case scenario re courts before it happened so I could be prepared. And because I didn't take her advice do this, is why I am dealing with it badly now. Despite the fact my sol and barrister also never saw this coming.

I also explained I am feeling very angry towards my lovely family and friends who have stable marriages and incomes. She told me they are doing their best and I should stop rewarding their support with negativity. I totally understand the anger is my issue and I've even discussed with my friends, so I thought counsellor was overly harsh and not what I need ATM.

Am struggling with the blow to my confidence and questioning why I ever went to court in the first place etc and I think I need someone who will help me get through this, but it's not her. Luckily I'm at the end of my sessions now so I'm going to tell her I don't want to continue.

Generally I've been feeling a lot better and making sure I get out and look forward to things etc to stave off my anxiety. I tend to be overly optimistic though and I need to rein in thoughts of living happily ever after for a bit. I give myself false hope and then fall down harder when it doesn't happen.

I'm buying time at the moment. Letting it sink in for me and for ex and hope he realises he still has a final hearing to contend with which neither or us will want to go through again. So hoping we will settle out of court soon, but not just yet. I need a break to gather my reserves.

Hi Namechanger I totally get the anger thing. Though my case is different from yours, of course. (Anger was a kind of help to me, as it gave me the motivation to fight Ex over finances - suffice it to say, he did little to either bring in an income or help round the house.)

Anger uses a lot of energy, eat well ie pizza or something! and rest (rueful laugh).

My x told my mother that he was going to resign, cos that'd ''show me".

my mum laughed in his face and say yeh that'd show us all.

He decided not to resign from his 100k pa job for the sake of handing over 10% to his own children. He must have decided it was still worth getting out of bed every day.

Name - you are doing an incredible job.

My ex refused to pay CSA for years (is still in arrears of £30,000 which pisses me off. I brought the kids up on nothing while he had a great time, now my children are grown up and see him for the waste of time he is. They lived on fresh air and jam sandwiches and I drove the most clapped out old car that was probably mostly illegal for their entire childhoods. But. They all went to University, they are all earning good salaries and have happy lives.

I live in a house I can't afford to heat, with bills I can't afford to pay, doing three jobs. He has remarried a woman with money, and still owes me that fucking £30,000. But I have my children's love and respect. He doesn't, and that is my revenge.

Fuck this thread has scared me. This is exactly what I am scared stbx will do.

[Not helpful sorry.]

isthisacceptable if he is prepared to lie outrageously to the courts then yes, be warned that not all judges will see through this. I am still fuming at the stupidity and the inconsistency of the judgement of my case.

In hindsight I should have settled out of court and just accepted whatever he gave me, as court was both expensive and hideously stressful and ultimately unfair.

Zaphod you sound amazing and your exh sounds just like mine will probably be. Sorry to hear you are struggling for money though, that is also one of my primary concerns. By awarding ex the rental properties he has effectively destroyed my pension. I worked hard and paid and contributed to those properties, and agreed with ex that these would fund our retirements. Now I am 42 with no pension and no savings.

Can your children help you out at all? I'm sure they wouldn't want to see you suffering after everything you have been through?

Mutella what happens to these grown men and fathers? How do they suddenly decide they can absolve themselves of parental responsibility so easily? My blood boils at exes lack of parenting and interest in our children.

Silvery thank you. Last week was utterly exhausting. I saw my cousin and talked it through and something clicked into place. She said ex has been consistently unpredictable throughout and I can't predict what he will do next. So I need to wait it out for now. She was really right and it has helped me to ease off a bit this week. I'm still getting waves of overwhelming fear but I am getting a bit better, thank you. Your support throughout has been so valuable to me.

Name, they help out with bits and pieces (bought me a load of coal for my birthday!), but I would not and do not expect any financial help from them. They didn't ask to have an avoidant dickhead for a father, and they are saving for mortgages and to improve their own lives. I am not their responsibility.

And thank you for saying nice things about me.

They didn't ask to have an avoidant dickhead for a father,

Zaphod I totally see where you are coming from. My children go to various clubs and activities which my friends have suggested I stop sending them to in order to save money. But I feel strongly that I don't want them to suffer for having a shit dad. It was ultimately my choice to marry him (which I don't regret doing) and not theirs to have him as a dad.

I read somewhere that 2/3 of those living in poverty in the UK are divorced women, which scares the life out of me now.

I contacted a financial advisor today, to try to get things back on track as best I can. It won't really help until the divorce and assets are finalised but I hope it will help me to get some small sense of control over the situation.

I ended my session with my counsellor today as well, which is a relief. She told me I lost the court case because I have low self-esteem and undervalue myself, whereas ex has high self-esteem, and this must have influenced the judge into agreeing I am not worthy of saving. She also kept asking why I don't want a nice man to 'take care of me' and to treat me to nice holidays, and said it's because I don't believe I am worthy of it. Her stereotype of me was quite exhausting to listen to. It gave me and my friend a chuckle when we discussed it, anyway.

Still not thinking past a day at a time, it seems to be working for me at the moment. I am still waiting to hear back from the judge on one point, but I am ready to wait for this now.

God your counsellor sounds nuts!!

She was but by the end she made me chuckle! Feel quite relieved to be finished with my sessions now 😊

Because I lost on all points ex and his dad have come back with a costa order for me to pay all of their legal costs. I got this via email from solicitor and waiting to speak to her to find out how much it is. They want payment in 14 days which I just don't have. Feel sick.