Any single mums who were screwed over by exes but are doing ok financially now?

[Namechanger2015]

My court and divorce dramas have been going on for two years, since I left abusive ex-husband.

Legally everything has been with the aim of a financial remedy hearing to expose his lies, hiding of money etc. We went to court and judge agreed with ex on every point. So I am liable for his costs too - approx £40k. So I lose the assets he passed to family and friends, and the bank accounts he emptied to his best mate, who ex now claims has run off with the money. I am 42 with no pension. Our rental properties were supposed to provide our pension but he disposed to his family and judge agreed with him. Despite him doing this within a week of me leaving the marital home.

Judge accepted that ex lied and withheld assets on his paperwork because he thinks ex was confused. Ex admitted he was violent on our marriage, judge believes it was still an equal marriage and I had equal access to funds, etc.

This leaves me with very little money going forward. I have a 9, 7 and 4yo that ex sees infrequently approx one a month. He is in arrears with child maintenance and as he is self employed will probably evade payment for ever. He does pay though - £600/month compared to CMS total which is £1,100 per month based on his income and his arrears.

I am self employed and work from home. Ex lives in marital home alone and rents out rooms which he denied to court. Cash in hand of course.

Kids and I live in cramped house with my parents and we will need to move out once this is over. School does not have after school clubs and so I work 9-2.30 and then 8.30-10.30 every day and am knackered and find this hard to maintain.

Please tell me it will be ok. I know I am free of his emotional harm etc but financially and practically tell me I will be fine. I'm scared. If it wasn't for my children I would quite happy take a handful of pills and end this but of course I never would. I am scared though. I don't want to read any responses if people tell me they aren't ok. Could cry.

I spent 20 years of my life married to a similar man and has a similar lifestyle to you. During our marriage he completely crushed every ounce of self-confidence, self-esteem and independence that I had. When we eventually divorced, he kept the money; by comparison to him I am poor, but every day lived without his oppression is breath of fresh air.

The judge has let out down badly, but in a while you will look back and realise that your life has improved immeasurably- with or without the money.

How did your children cope with the drop in income and lifestyle?

My children have a big bedroom each at the marital house - now their dad's house - and we all share one bedroom now at my parents.

They are dreaming of us getting a house and them having their own bedrooms again. It's not going to happen and they will go from nice big house to cramped living, permanently.

Seriously? They manage - if you've brought them up well they will understand that being happy is better than having 'stuff'

Yes, they are well brought up girls and they are not materialistic at all. I know they will be ok. I know I am catastrophising at the moment and I need to not do that.

They will be fine, absolutely fine. We lived in an absolutely tiny house for years with DS in a room with no windows and me in a room that was only big enough for a single. From front to back it was 16 feet. Lots of Harry Potter jokes about me making him sleep in a cupboard etc. He cried when we moved because it was his home and he was going to miss it.

It will also mean they understand what their father did to THEM not to you. Not at first, but the older they get the more they will understand about relationships etc. The biggest thing I learned is that kids only develop in one direction. They grow, learn, form independent opinions and become adults, they don't stay children who can be bullshitted and bought.

The injustice is shocking and you don't believe it could happen until it happens to you.

Like you my ex blatantly emptied bank accounts and when we got to court there was not one penny in the joint bank accounts and we had no family home as we had been living in the M.E.

I got nothing!! no pension just nothing.

Ex refuses to work and pays nothing in maintenance and because he doesn't work he isn't liable (he can go a few more years not working no problem as he took all the money)

Our lifestyle had been pretty good - big house etc and like yours the children now share a bedroom in a tiny flat etc.

We are about 18 months on now and like you i cannot believe this is my life. BUT my children are happy, I don't have to deal with this arsehole who systematically tries to still destroy us (but only succeeds in alerting everyone else, such as schools, the authorities etc to what a spiteful and pointless person he is).

Your children are younger than mine and whilst i don't slag ex off i certainly don't stick up for him either but to be honest he has dug his own grave and my children don't bother with him now - although tbd he hasn't bothered with them at all for the past two years but they seem to see hi for what he is now.

Financially things are pretty terrible for example we used to eat out a few nights a week but now a treat would be choosing a pizza from morrissons. But i try to make it sound exciting and the children seem quite happy with that.

I have started a business and i enjoy that and whilst i am not making a huge amount of money i am working on something and it will get better!

Nothing stays the same, everything changes. This is the worst time of our lives but i try to focus on what i do have just like it sounds like you are doing. A great family (these ex's seem to have crap families too so wouldn't want them on my side when the chips are down), meeting up with good friends, our lovely children. We do have a roof over our head and we do have lots of love around us so we are lucky really!!!

Things will change and they will get better (well they can't get worse can they LOL!!!)

Children are resilient and adaptable - mine are at uni now, but they live 2 very different lifestyles. When they are with their father, they have 5 star, long haul holidays: our family holiday this year is a week self-catering in Cornwall - they seem to enjoy both. Their car is newer than mine and their phones are fancier - all courtesy of their father. They love him, but recognise that he is not a very nice person and feel that he has been a poor father. They never wanted to live with him and never even wanted to stay overnight at his house, despite the fact that it is much more luxurious. I don't want to plead poverty though - I am still better off than many; just much poorer than when I was married.

How did your children cope with the drop in income and lifestyle?

I honestly don't think it matters. I'd be honest with them about your finances. If you can't, for now, afford their activities or whatever then so be it. You mustn't think you need to compete with your nasty shit of an exH.

Also my Dad said to me once (when i was feeling very sorry for myself) 'well do you want what he has, would you swap. You have all that money and he can have your life with the kids?'

and no of course i wouldn't. what use is all that money?

We have what is important!!

You have more than Money can buy..... your children will survive and you can build them a decent life.
Choosing to stay in London though is a choice and so Is staying in a cramped room. You could and definitely should now be looking for a home. It doesn't have to be palatial nor in the most expensive area. I have had to move before to 'cut my cloth accordingly'. You can do this. You have no choice.

My SiL left her jerk of a husband. She left with nothing - just the children. To ensure he didn't bully her by trying to get parental rights when he'd shown zero interest in the kids, she let him take the lot financially. She walked out with a suitcase and two pre-school kids.
She now lives in a beautiful house in a very cheap area and had a job that fitted in with school hours while DC were young. Her ex-husband is still rich and vile and abuses his second wife. SiL is pretty broke, but happy, with two absolutely gorgeous DC, now grown up and thriving. I know who I think is better off.

Yes. The best option was to make more money of my own and be less dependent

Also my Dad said to me once (when i was feeling very sorry for myself) 'well do you want what he has, would you swap. You have all that money and he can have your life with the kids

Absolutely want what I have and not his life or money at all. He called them today (very unusual). It was midday and he had just woken up and was having breakfast. We had already done all homework and were getting ready for a day out with my friend and her daughters. We had a lovely day out. This is most definitely the life I want with my girls.

Choosing to stay in London though is a choice and so Is staying in a cramped room.

It was temporary choice as we were waiting for divorce proceedings to be resolved to be able to afford a move. As this will now not be happening I'll definitely be looking for a home for us now. I completely accept it's a choice to stay in London or move away and I will need to think that through carefully. I will also look into council housing if they can help. In a weird way it is a relief this is coming to an end and at least we can think about repaying legal fees and moving on. Sorry you are going through this too Donners.

I've only cried once today. I am trying to move forward.

I'll see my solicitor later this week to sort out a plan for final settlement out of court and hope he gives me something. I am then finalising this and moving on.

geordie your SIL sounds amazing.

OP I don't have any advice to offer but I just wanted to say you sound like an incredibly strong woman. for you. Getting your children out of that abusive environment is the best thing you could possibly have done for them.

OP.

You sound amazing. He sounds shit.

So you're already a million times better off than him in the ways that count.

Good luck with your final hearing. Have you made a CSA claim yet?

Hello. Just catching up with your situation atm. Take care and warm wishes...

Good luck with your final hearing. Have you made a CSA claim yet?

I can't afford to take this to final hearing now, I will have to accept whatever he gives me.

He has been evading CMS payments ever since my first claim, 2 years ago. He pays £600 per month, CMS say it should be £1100 per month. I am pretty sure this he will stop paying altogether soon.

I just don't have the money to pay off all of mine and his legal fees, and to house us. I have worked my absolute maximum over the past 10 years. I'll speak to my solicitor this week. I don't even have the funds to pay her at the moment.

To answer your question of does it get better, well yes it does. Does it financially get better, that depends on your own circumstances. Childcare, job, hours worked, area you live in etc etc all come in to play. I separated from my husband nearly six years ago. Divorce happened a couple. of years ago. The whole thing nearly killed me and that is no exaggeration. DD was only a baby when we separated. Found out Ex had lied about finances and had been keeping things from me and then he vanished and left me to deal with the fall out. House was sold (no equity in it), left me with bills in both our names and an outstanding loan that is still not paid off. I moved from our lovely house that had just been renovated to a very small cottage closer to my parents. Dark times. I only decided to keep living because I thought that DD had already lost one parent, and to make her lose two would be selfish and cruel.
I have always worked full time. I live in a rural area and have done for the last ten years and jobs are pretty hard to come by and now i work part time so that I can also take care of DD. My income is low but the things that I used to think were important (Diptyque candles, expensive make up, lots of clothes, eating out) seem trivial and unimportant now. After everything happened the only things I desired was a calm place with no drama - I wanted a stable almost boring life with no surprises (I had had enough for a lifetime).
Over the last few years, things HAVE got better. I rent and probably always will unless I find a millionaire who sweeps me off my feet (never gonna happen) but I have no problem with that. When a problem occurs, my landlord takes care of it. Problem solved. My DD has grown into a gorgeous funny entertaining child who I adore and love living with and she sees her father every other weekend. We are still not on good terms and never will be - he still tries his best to fuck me over financially on a regular basis.

BUT and this is what I really want to stress. I am happy most days. Just after the separation I was never happy. I was verging on tears all of the time and could see no way out. Happiness seemed like an emotion I would never feel again. These days, I am OK. I love spending time on my own and don't feel lonely as I have DD with me. I work part time and am busy most of the time. I like my home and quality of life. We don't have much but we do not go without. We eat well, we go away now and again (not fancy hols but trips generally), DD has nice things and tons of toys. I have everthing I need.

We are happy. If you had told me five years ago that I would feel like this I would not have believed you. It will get better. Sorry to wheel out that old cliche but time really is a healer.

This sounds just so fundamentally and extraordinarily unfair!
Out of interest, where did the judge think you should live with the children post divorce or how you would pay for it?

I am much like deluxe - good post x

Yes I also wanted to ask, why is your ex in the family home when the children are with you?

Move csa to collection based on the evidence you have.

The marital home is in the Midlands where we lived as a married couple for 10 years. When the physical violence happened he became very threatening and argumentative and I felt scared for my safety. I told his sister and she basically told me it's all my fault.

She persuaded him to leave the house for two days but she said he needs to keep the house keys as it takes away his manliness if he can't enter his own home.

He walked back in two days later and said it's been long enough. He then told me I am causing the upset in the house, that we should be having sex and carrying on. I said no and he disagreed.

He agreed to give me 2 day break (as he was flying abroad for work for two days) and then I would have to sleep with him, but if his plane crashed whilst he was traveling I would have to live with what I had done to him.

So when he left for his work travels I called my family and we took our things, I took the girls out of school and we moved straight in with my parents in London.

I could not have stayed in the family house, I have no one there apart from him and his sister. The house is in both of our names so it will be split, but he remortgaged (under both our names) for an investment (in his name only). At the time I trusted him to be doing this for the good of the family. This investment money is part of he money he claims his best friend has run away with.

So after judges decision on the other assets, this leaves me with half the value of a family house with v little equity in there - £180,000 in total - when my legal fees are at £100,000.

It will be a needs based case so I have to hope that the judge would award me some more based in Hs ability to earn off his other assets. But after this judgement I really have no idea what judges think anymore.

Move csa to collection based on the evidence you have.

I have been struggling with CSA from the start. He is in arrears and so far has put in 5 claims for reassessment to lower his payments. Every single one has failed, but he still underpays.

I have been asking for collect and pay scheme for ages now and they just call him and ask him to switch and he says no so they say they can't do it.

I spoke to them again last week and they said my application is now on their systems so I hope that means the switch will happen. It's draining alongside court battles.

I am off on a school trip with DD today, arranged before I got the judgement (I feel like should have been earning and not taken the day off). Hoping it eases my anxiety and lets me get through another day.