Any single mums who were screwed over by exes but are doing ok financially now?

[Namechanger2015]

My court and divorce dramas have been going on for two years, since I left abusive ex-husband.

Legally everything has been with the aim of a financial remedy hearing to expose his lies, hiding of money etc. We went to court and judge agreed with ex on every point. So I am liable for his costs too - approx £40k. So I lose the assets he passed to family and friends, and the bank accounts he emptied to his best mate, who ex now claims has run off with the money. I am 42 with no pension. Our rental properties were supposed to provide our pension but he disposed to his family and judge agreed with him. Despite him doing this within a week of me leaving the marital home.

Judge accepted that ex lied and withheld assets on his paperwork because he thinks ex was confused. Ex admitted he was violent on our marriage, judge believes it was still an equal marriage and I had equal access to funds, etc.

This leaves me with very little money going forward. I have a 9, 7 and 4yo that ex sees infrequently approx one a month. He is in arrears with child maintenance and as he is self employed will probably evade payment for ever. He does pay though - £600/month compared to CMS total which is £1,100 per month based on his income and his arrears.

I am self employed and work from home. Ex lives in marital home alone and rents out rooms which he denied to court. Cash in hand of course.

Kids and I live in cramped house with my parents and we will need to move out once this is over. School does not have after school clubs and so I work 9-2.30 and then 8.30-10.30 every day and am knackered and find this hard to maintain.

Please tell me it will be ok. I know I am free of his emotional harm etc but financially and practically tell me I will be fine. I'm scared. If it wasn't for my children I would quite happy take a handful of pills and end this but of course I never would. I am scared though. I don't want to read any responses if people tell me they aren't ok. Could cry.

I would give yourself some space and time to adjust and don't make any major changes or decisions, just head down keep going till you can see a little clearer. It must have been a shock for you.

Yes and I can't function or stop crying. It is so monumentally unjust. All that money and my dignity just gone.

If there's no chance of appealing or overturning the financial ruling, then that's that.

This is what I need to accept and make a plan and move on. I know I do. I want to know how much he will give me now, as I am essentially begging for scraps now.

My children love going to stay with him. He takes them to his sisters houses and so they get to see their cousins. They think he is great. And whilst they are young I can't shatter their illusions. They know what he did to me and that he can be difficult but he is their dad and they love him. So I'm sure he will always be around. I would love it if he disappeared out of all of our lives but it's not likely to happen.

Your kids will figure it out. Don't worry about that. I have been scrupulous to never say anything bad about xP to DS but he is not stupid. He knows who his constant is, who has cuddled him when life has got tough, who was there when he puked in the night. Of course they love the fun stuff, they're kids and like shiny things. However they saw the reality and they will see the differences in households over time and will react like the decent people you bring them up to be. Look at some of the posters on here who talk about tough childhoods but their relief that their mum got them all out vs the ones who wish their Mums hadn't kept them in a shitty situation believing it was for the children's benefit. Basically (and to quote my own dad), you need to believe in your own kids and their intelligence and humanity.

You will be fine - you may have some tough times, but you will be fine.

I was financially screwed over by an abusive ex. Ten years on, he is much richer than I am, but I love the fact that I everything I own is mine and I don't have to account to anyone for anything. I do have financial worries that I wouldn't have had if I had a fair settlement, but at some point I had to decide to let go of the injustice and move on.

Thank you so much. I will be fine and I have to let go. You women all sound bloody amazing. I naively thought there would be justice for someone in my position and I just have to accept that it doesn't work that way.

I feel extremely raw at the moment. I definitely need a few days to wallow before I look ahead. I am so scared of the measly financial offer he will now make me. I'll have no choice but to accept.

You are amazing OP. You've held it together and you fought. You will get through the wallowing and anger and then accept it and move on. It's all part of the recovery process. Just be really kind to yourself and let your family help you.

You will be fine, give yourself time.

I'm sure you'll be financially worried about the legal fees and building a stable future for you and the kids but just keep an open mind on that one too. It takes time to finically recover but again, you'll get there xxx

The lack of financial justice is excruciating and you do sound like you have been absolutely screwed. To this day, xPs actions eat my soul. BUT you have to just see them for what they are. The actions of a selfish asshat who would rather see his children in penury than his bank account reduced. He is lower than a racing snake and you and your kids ARE much better off without him despite the financial implications. Reason being that you can bring your kids up to be empathetic, kind, generous, giving, loving, selfless people. He does not have the capability or capacity to do that as he has never been taught it by his own family.

It is excruciating. I worked throughout my marriage, ex was financially abusive and would give me an allowance every month. He kept the rest. He has this all now in the shape of a large house, sports car and multiple rental properties.

Working with 3 under 5 was exhausting. Half of my work was based on keeping him happy. Cooking what he wanted, keeping a tidy house and going where he wanted. On top of working. I put everything into keeping my "happy" life going.

I am terrified he will give me nothing now - not enough to house us with anyway. I'll be working full time into old age. He has got the £650,000 assets and £850,000 given to his friend. £1.4m in the bank. I appear to have nothing at all. I just can't comprehend.

My children are lovely and I am lucky to have them. I am struggling to see this at the moment. How can a judge make such a poor decision, totally flying in the face of the evidence presented before him. It honestly feels like he was bribed or something to disregard the blatant facts placed before him. I just can't believe he has put me in a lifetime of debt for no reason at all.

Not read whole thread but you will be ok.

Different circumstances but we purchased our 1st home at 18 and at 33 I was left with 3 DC 8,5 and 4 weeks nothing else we lost everything through his lies and deceit

Here I am 13 yrs later with the most amazing children he passed away 3 yrs ago but I have done it all with no financial help or indeed any emotional support. He has broken my children with his addiction they are emotionally ruined BUT we are doing ok better than if I had stayed I believe.

I lost "things" and bricks and mortar he lost far more. DC1 is at Uni DC2 is saving to go travelling DC3 is doing well. I live in a very affluent are Yes money would have made life easier their peers always had/have more but you scrape through and they appreciate the nice things when they do come

What provision did the judge make for you and the children in the final order?

Thank you, all of you. You are all bloody amazing and I am so glad things have worked out ok in the end. I am wallowing but this is definitely helping.

Today I took my girls to their various activities. I have a clash of pickup times and their course organiser happens to be a good friend I was at uni with. He is going to help me out.

Then we went to their gym class and met an old school friend there and went for a walk together. Again I was at school with her and our children now do gymnastics together.

Finally I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight which was planned before I got the judges decision. She is my oldest friend I met her at school when we were 6 and we are both 42 now. It is because I left him that I am now free to go to dinner with my friends and can see my friends in the daytime.

We are close to tube etc and so most of my old friends stayed in the area and we have lots of history here. It makes me feel secure and loved and so do the children. It was the best feeling to have left him and to move back home. If we can stay in the area we will be surrounded by all of this love.

I can also go on Mumsnet more as he is not here getting angry that I am on my phone a lot. This from the man who was texting his ex girlfriend throughout my marriage.

Life alone and poorer has to be better than rich with zero self-worth.

What provision did the judge make for you and the children in the final order?

This was a financial remedy hearing to overturn some his transactions and dissipation of assets. I lost on every point. The judge believed all of his lies. Next step is the final hearing and I assume judge will agree again that the pot is now miniscule.

My sol has advised me to settle out of court as I literally have nothing left to pay for final hearing. He knows the judge is on his side so I will now have to accept anything he gives me.

You poor thing. I really feel for you. I remember just after I left my x (with nothing, literally nothing because we weren't married), I had a rucksack and two dependants, and debts too, because he'd been financially abusive and had arranged our finances so that it would be harder for me to leave him............ but things have become a lot better. I'm not wealthy I don't think but I have security.

Try to see this moment as just a moment in time. It's not what defines you.. It's the very beginning of a difficult journey that only the brave take.

I lived with my parents for a long time. People would be shocked how long. But I saved a lot of money which meant that I had a fantastic deposit, low repayments, kids are older. Things have improved dramatically.

You're at the very beginning of the 'journey' that gave me strength, insight, self-awareness, a sense of self-worth that was not dependent on any material thing, or any validation from another person, or a house, or a car but that need to build a sense of self-worth which came only from within has made me feel so strong and my sense of self worth is strong now. I really sincerely wish you all the best. It's a tough journey but it's worth it.

Oh dear that is so different from my experience. My ex lied in court but fortunately the judge was not taken in by it. I feel for you. It's a very unpleasant process however you come out of it (understatement.)

ps, you're entitled to cry I think. I remember getting free and feeling free, and relieved, and safe, and yet sitting in a coffee shop crying because I had nothing. I was broody for a home.

a sense of self-worth that was not dependent on any material thing, or any validation from another person, or a house, or a car but that need to build a sense of self-worth which came only from within

brilliant.

You all sound super human, thank you so much for your support.

I went out for dinner last night and although I was a bit of a mess to begin with it was really nice to get out. Today I have arranged to meet a friend and take the kids out.

Thank you for reminding me this is a phase and a moment in my journey, not the end of it. I need to keep moving.

Next week I am working all week so that will help take my mind off things too.

I remember you and I just want to say how
Proud I am of you and how you are doing. This is shit. My ex left me in 80k debt and left the country. Six years later I am nearly clear.

Housing wise could you see the council. I know you may say- no chance but I could help you if you pm me. I have just been housed.

Things were so bad for me at one stage that I felt like packing a bag and leaving him with it all and starting again. There was something freeing about the thought of having nothing and just completely rebuilding my life.

Of course when you have children you have to be more practical than that but there will come a time when this awful period will be a distant memory and you will have survived.

I'm absolutely shocked and disgusted that this has happened to you. I'm not surprised you are feeling shell shocked and numb at the moment.

I've no clever advice or experience to share but you sound like a sensible strong woman. Im sure you will be ok soon enough. What about some council king just to get your thoughts I order? I know I would be feeling angry and bitter and while those emotions certainly have their place I'm not sure I'd want them hanging around too long.

BTW You are doing the right thing about not telling your kids about what a bastard their Dad is. It must be SO hard not to but it's in their interests and that's the most important thing.

I'm glad to hear you have friends and family around. That's going to help you a lot. I'm feeling sorry for your parents too. They must be so sad and worried for you.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Be kind to yourself. I know I would find the injustice of the situation very difficult

Councilling. (Can't spell?)

Huge sympathies. I have experience of judges believing the pile of lies my ex told them, so have huge sympathy.

The trick somehow is going to be to find a way to not let it eat you up. To move forward and hold your head high. To live this: "the best revenge is to live a happy life".

Gather all the support you can around you. Your working pattern is the same as mine and I know how exhausting it is, but also it is a privilege as not all jobs can be worked like that.

So sorry that you have been through all this. However, having experienced similar myself, I got my life back on track in about two years and have been so much happier. I also moved in with my parents and they helped me massively, Mum helped with my daughter so I could return to work. Once I was financially independent again (no maintenance or any financial assistance was forthcoming from ex) it was the best feeling in the world. Met the genuine love of my life through work and have been happily remarried for 22 years now. He has been a wonderful father to my daughter (ex-h preferred alcohol to being involved with his lovely girl) and in approx two months time will proudly be walking her down the aisle at her wedding. He supported me to do an OU degree and I retrained in education. So I was so glad I had the guts to leave my first husband.. It's hard, but not to be bitter is the crucial bit of advice I would give you, and you can be so glad that now you are in control of your own life, no matter what the challenges are. It WILL get better for you - right and goodness will always prevail - massive love and luck to you my dear.

I assumed that council housing is a no-go but I will look into this. If I am honest I struggle with how this defines me.

I was a working mum with a husband, nice house, rental properties and very secure financial future, albeit married to an abusive controlling man. But I was financially respectable I guess.

And now I have an utterly insecure future. I can't believe how much the judge has failed me. I'll definitely have to look at housing options.

If he offers me anything at all and we get enough for a small flat at least it would be something.

How on earth is this justice. He hit me and financially controlled me and was abusive throughout our marriage. I did the right thing and left, I let the children see him anytime, I work hard, I don't badmouth him and yet I get nothing at the end of this and he still wins.

I do have a DV counsellor but she is not very good. I had anxiety cbt which helped previously so I think I will go back to my gp to sort out some more counselling options. This all feels like a bad dream at the moment.

Thank you for your messages. These are helping me massively. I am so glad you got through these dark times.