Am I being unreasonable?

[Glenoxo]

I really need some other opinions on something to see whether or not I'm being unreasonable. I don't want to hear an echo chamber - if you really think I'm asking too much please let me know! I'm conscious of my own feelings and natural bias, so external opinions will help.

I recently found out my wife has had an affair with someone she works with (if you want the somewhat horrific details take a peek at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2839656-Just-found-out-my-wife-has-cheated-on-me). She has said she has broken it off with him, but they still sit next to each other every day at work. I know they have been out at least once after work (on Valentines Day of all days "to talk about his feelings") and suspect that they still spend time talking as friends throughout the day.

I don't know whether we can make it work, nor whether I want to, but after 18 years and four children I feel like I need to at least try to save our marriage. She has said the same and wants to try (or at least feels she has got to try), though is not yet doing or saying the things I'd like her to (though that's for a different thread perhaps).

So far I've not really made any demands, other than she breaks off all contact with him. She has (somewhat reluctantly) deleted him from Facebook, but still has his mobile number and still laughs and jokes with him as part of their team at work.

I have told now her that we cannot move forward while they work together, so effectively there are three options. Either he leaves his job, she leaves hers or we call it a day and start divorce proceedings. It's simply too painful for me, and leads me to constantly be wondering what she is doing at any point throughout the day.

She loves her job and is getting good at it - it's the first full-time job she's had since our eldest was born 12 years ago and she's (obviously) revelling in the freedom and more adult environment. I don't want her to leave, but I simply cannot bear the thought of them continuing to work together, every day, in the building where things happened between the two of them. She also wants to keep going out as part of their work team for drinks after work every now and then - there's just no way I can ever be comfortable with them doing that after all she's done.

I will happily find her a new job if he won't leave his, and if she has to have time out of work while she finds a new one even that is okay (it costs more in childcare than she earns, meaning I am effectively subsidising her working).

She doesn't feel like she can ask him to leave his job. From my perspective, he is a 20-year-old boy who lives at home and could do any number of other things - he is not tied in at all, other than wanting to start working.

I am due to climb Everest (well, at least get to Base Camp), returning 19 May. I've given her until I get back to have either stopped working with him or to have made an active decision to continue there. That's four months since being caught, and two and a half months from now to have handed in her notice and to start finding something new (if she chooses to go down that route).

Am I wrong to ask her to stop working with him in order to give our marriage a try?

Nope i dont think you are unreasonable. She likes her job as she has a young atttactive bloke sitting next to her. Im sure once he finds someone else, she wont want to work there. If she is anything like me going back into the workplace after being a stay at home mum, i love wearing nice work clothes, earning money. I feel like me again. It was/is probably flattering to her to know that a young man liked her. Id personally find that really uncomfortable. Perhaps she is still trying to find herself and bed down (no pun intended!!) into her new role as a working mother. I have rambled but basically youre not being unreasonable

Bloody hell just read the first few posts of your other thread. So sorry this has happened

Absolutely not, anyone in your position would do the same. I remember your previous thread and it doesn't sound as if she's showing any remorse at all. Does she really expect to continue to socialise with OM and stay married to you? I think she will destroy any remaining self esteem you have TBH, I couldn't continue the relationship on this basis.

You can't ask her to tell the guy to leave his job. I can understand why you would want her to leave though.

The following from your OP stood out:

it costs more in childcare than she earns, meaning I am effectively subsidising her working).

You are not subsidising her working. That's a really shitty way to view her job. Presumably when she wasn't working she was a stay at home mum and taking care of the house and your children, enabling you to work outside of the home. How much would a nanny and housekeeper cost you to take care of your children?

You aren't subsidising he working.

You can't ask him to leave his job.

Off to read other thread now.

I think you're both wasting your time paying lip service to 'trying'. She went out with him on fucking valentines day? To talk about his fucking feelings?! Why didn't she give more of a toss about your feelings?

A) YANBU - my DH has said right from Day One that an affair on either side would be a marriage breaker

B) but I question your choice of words when you say "I will find her a other job" - surely your wife should choose her own job. Is it this patriarchal language that your wife is rebelling against?

Your wife wants the excitement of an affair but the stability of marriage. She can't have it both ways. See how she behaves when you're away (I you can) and then decide what you want to do. After all, four months away might actually mean that you do not want to be married to HER.

I've been to Pokara and done some I the trekking. You must be seriously fit so I doubt you'd be single for long.

O think YANBU. She can't continue to work with him if you're marriage is to survive.

Chloe I disagree, it's not a shitty thing to say, it is just a fact. He is subsidising her work if it costs them more as a family with her working than not.

No. you are not being unreasonable in the slightest

Agree with others, you can't ask HIM to leave his job.

Your wife has to make a decision here.

I don't think it's unreasonable that you don't want her working with the guy she had an affair with.
But, I personally wouldn't give up my job, without another to go to. Especially if my relationship wasn't 100% at the time. Relying on you financially puts her in a very vulnerable position. So if she was asking for advice I'd say don't leave until you have another job.

Of course her not working with him, won't necessarily stop anything happening again and then there's the chance of new job, new people to meet.
I read a bit of your other thread and from that and what you've put here, I think it sounds like you're both only trying because you have children together and in some ways it's easier then the alternative.
Very sorry if I'm wrong!

If she was serious about making your marriage work she would have left her job when you found out. .. She would have also wanted to spend v day with you. .

You can't ask him to leave his job.

But I think it's reasonable to want her to. And in this situation, if she was serious about making things right with you, she'd do all she can to break contact off with him. She reluctantly deleted him off Facebook? There should be no reluctance, and if there is, then you really need to consider whether or not this relationship has a future. Devastating yes, but you deserve more respect.

I wouldn't be happy working full time with 4 kids and married to a man who is out 2-3 nights a week at parish council/governors meetings AND goes to America on work trips AND is training for an Everest expedition. That's a lot of selfish right there.

Not excusing her having an affair. She was definitely wrong there.

I don't think she has any intention of leaving him or her job. I think you need to tell her you'll be starting divorce proceedings immediately and expect her to move out when you get back from your trip.

overmydeadbody

It is a shitty way to look at it. Marriage is not about one person subsiding the other, it's about a partnership. OP may earn less now but she provided childcare for 12 years. Now she is working, building her career in a job, saving for a pension. All those things she enabled OP to do when she was a SAHM.

And that's before I go as far as the "I'm subsidising you working" and the "I'll find you another job" which are making me really uncomfortable

I shan't respond too much as I don't want to in any way bias people's feedback, but just two quick points:

About the subsidy point - I don't intend for this to be patronising, and I certainly don't think that she didn't work hard as a stay-at-home mum. The difference now, as pointed out by one response, is that it costs us more financially for her to work than it does for her not to work. Financially is the only point I was making there - it would be financially cheaper for her not to work, though this would have other costs in terms of her happiness. I am therefore supporting her working by financially making up the difference, on top of picking up more than half of the housework (I can work from home, so more often have the chance to do this).

Secondly, the point about me finding her a job - perhaps I phrased this wrongly. I meant to say "help her to find a new job". While it's true that I found this job listing for her, encouraged her to apply, helped her write the application and got friends of mine who work in her industry to coach her over the course of a week, it was her who actually got the job and who has kept it and thrived since. I would do all I could to help her find something else suitable, but she would be the one doing the work.

(Oh, and I don't leave for Everest until 3 May, so I won't be away that long!).

You are not subsidising her working. Childcare costs should be deducted equally from both your salaries. 50/50

I would personally love to have a guy who is involved in so much (within reason) -- and I work full time too, provided of course I was free to do the same, I guess its really each to his own, I actually find having a DH who just works but has no outside interests, or friends on tap can get a bit wearing and makes me feel like I cant do stuff too.

You sound really patronising and controlling the more you type. It's making me really uncomfortable. Especially how you describe her working.

Hmm, I have to say I agree with Annesmyth.
Has your wife actually said she wants to stay in a relationship with you?

Thanks for clarifying, OP, I think 'supporting' is more positive than 'subsidising'.

As I said, I can see why you would want her to leave her job, especially if they will still be meeting in social situations. She does seem to be very half-hearted in her attempts to make a go of things. Maybe you are just delaying the inevitable?

Your marriage is DEAD, mate.

You can't see the wood for the trees. She went out with him on Valentines Day?! Are you fucking serious??? As Phil Mitchell would say, she's 'avin' a larf, inchee?

Pull the plaster off. She's playing you like a banjo.

Screw this 19th May stuff - she hasn't a notion of quitting her job. Not one tiny idea. She loves her job and she loves him giving her fuck-me-eyesc across the conference table and going out to lunch with him and sharing the secret smiles of the forbidden lust.

She has ZERO guilt. Words are nothing, her actions show it. ZERO. Shes only still in your house cos he lives with his folks. But it's not because she chose you.

I think her continued behaviour is reprehensible.

@annesmyth123 I obviously disagree, but without knowing me as a person and without me writing an essay there's no way anyone could know anything other than what they believe as a result of what I've written here.

In terms of controlling, I've (without exaggeration) spent several years encouraging her to spend more time with her friends, to grow as a person by taking on hobbies and interests and to take on a role (paid or otherwise) which would allow her the opportunity to be herself, rather than either half of a married couple or a mother of four. Those are important roles of course, but I've always wanted her to be her own person as much as be there for others. It's also why I gave her the freedom to go out whenever she wanted and actively stayed out of her work-based friendship circles, so she could have a group of friends that weren't shared in any way.

If all of our household costs were split 50/50 then she would be spending a few hundred pounds every month more than she earns. That's not possible, so I've happily and without thinking contributed more financially. I in no way hold this against her and haven't begrudged a penny as it's all for our family life. It's not MY money, it's OUR money; the difference is that more of it comes from my work than from hers. It's not a competition - she works just as hard as I do, but I've had a decade more of career to build up.

I'm also lucky enough to work flexibly, so have picked up any other household stuff that she would've done but now can't as she works full time. I'm not perfect, but I've done everything I can to help her restart her career path after over a decade away. I'm not angry at being called controlling and patronising, just frustrated that I'm obviously saying the wrong words to describe our situation!