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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

74 replies

Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 12:19

I really need some other opinions on something to see whether or not I'm being unreasonable. I don't want to hear an echo chamber - if you really think I'm asking too much please let me know! I'm conscious of my own feelings and natural bias, so external opinions will help.

I recently found out my wife has had an affair with someone she works with (if you want the somewhat horrific details take a peek at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2839656-Just-found-out-my-wife-has-cheated-on-me). She has said she has broken it off with him, but they still sit next to each other every day at work. I know they have been out at least once after work (on Valentines Day of all days "to talk about his feelings") and suspect that they still spend time talking as friends throughout the day.

I don't know whether we can make it work, nor whether I want to, but after 18 years and four children I feel like I need to at least try to save our marriage. She has said the same and wants to try (or at least feels she has got to try), though is not yet doing or saying the things I'd like her to (though that's for a different thread perhaps).

So far I've not really made any demands, other than she breaks off all contact with him. She has (somewhat reluctantly) deleted him from Facebook, but still has his mobile number and still laughs and jokes with him as part of their team at work.

I have told now her that we cannot move forward while they work together, so effectively there are three options. Either he leaves his job, she leaves hers or we call it a day and start divorce proceedings. It's simply too painful for me, and leads me to constantly be wondering what she is doing at any point throughout the day.

She loves her job and is getting good at it - it's the first full-time job she's had since our eldest was born 12 years ago and she's (obviously) revelling in the freedom and more adult environment. I don't want her to leave, but I simply cannot bear the thought of them continuing to work together, every day, in the building where things happened between the two of them. She also wants to keep going out as part of their work team for drinks after work every now and then - there's just no way I can ever be comfortable with them doing that after all she's done.

I will happily find her a new job if he won't leave his, and if she has to have time out of work while she finds a new one even that is okay (it costs more in childcare than she earns, meaning I am effectively subsidising her working).

She doesn't feel like she can ask him to leave his job. From my perspective, he is a 20-year-old boy who lives at home and could do any number of other things - he is not tied in at all, other than wanting to start working.

I am due to climb Everest (well, at least get to Base Camp), returning 19 May. I've given her until I get back to have either stopped working with him or to have made an active decision to continue there. That's four months since being caught, and two and a half months from now to have handed in her notice and to start finding something new (if she chooses to go down that route).

Am I wrong to ask her to stop working with him in order to give our marriage a try?

OP posts:
Annesmyth123 · 10/03/2017 13:38

I'm out.

I didn't say ALL household costs I specifically said childcare.

You sound so much like my ex husband it's giving me the creeps.

He "found" me a job he approved of. Told me - and everyone else - how much he wanted me to go out and do stuff but conveniently "forgot" to take into account that with all his meetings and training (football) and work trips there was no bloody time left for me to do anything.

I didnt have an affair though. I did leave.

SavageBeauty73 · 10/03/2017 13:40

I'd leave her.

golfbuggy · 10/03/2017 13:43

In households where money is in a single pot, it makes no odds whose money pays for childcare surely? OP is simply pointing out that he has no issue with family money supporting his wife to get back into the workplace.

I think AnneSmyth has her own agenda here and would ignore her OP.

Original poster
Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 13:44

Pretty sure we've never been married (think I'd have remembered that... ;-) )

I guess there's nowt I can say that'll change your mind, especially if for whatever reason you've equated me with your ex-husband. And on reflection this all a little off topic too - you may have an opinion on whether or not I contributed to a failing marriage and my wife's decision to have an affair, but at the minute I am keen to understand whether I'm being unreasonable on this issue.

I'm sorry for coming off as patronising; guess it's another thing for me to add to the list of things I'm looking to change about myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 13:45

(My previous post was intended as a reply to @annesmyth123 by the way...)

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 10/03/2017 13:47

You 'gave her the freedom'?

Original poster
Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 13:51

Damn, I just can't say the right things!!!

How can I phrase it in that I both encouraged her and never questioned her when she wanted to go out, I rearranged my diary and commitments to take on childcare whenever there was a clash (as she had looked after the kids for years I felt I owed her first dibs on any evenings out) and never made any demands about going to certain places with certain people at certain times.

She of course had given me the same freedom for years.

Why do I feel like people are intentionally misreading words rather than meaning?!

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 10/03/2017 13:54

You need to him her off. There are over 3 billion women on this planet & you're wasting time with this one. Move on

Emboo19 · 10/03/2017 13:54

I know you said it's for a different thread Glen but does your wife want a marriage with you and all that entails? Does she want to spend time with you, be intimate with you? Or is she saying she'll try because it's best for the children or because you provide financial security?
And what do you really want? Is it a case of her being your wife and children's mother and it's right to work at it or are you still madly in love with her?

wherearemymarbles · 10/03/2017 14:02

Glen, generally speaking when a man posts here less is most definitely more. Otherwise you are spending most of your time defending yourself against certain people who are never going to listen.

I remember your last thread. End the marriage. She told you who she was when she went and slept with is boy, twice, after she knew you knew where she was.

She is still that person. You can't make her leave her job and you cant make him leave. Lets face it, if you're half way up a mountain nothing stopping her starting up again.

As a pp said, she is likely only staying as loverboy still lives with mummy and daddy.

I just think you are just flogging a dead horse.

VanillaSugar · 10/03/2017 14:06

I know school mums whose husbands work abroad and they manage not to have affairs. Ignore the comments about you being out of the house a lot.

Original poster
Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 14:06

I wish I didn't, but I still love her. When I manage to go ten minutes around her without thinking about what she did I find myself as happy now as I was on the day we got married. She has always been the same in terms of who she is as a person - someone who isn't a dreamer, doesn't have hobbies or interests outside of tv boxsets and more recently her work. She never understood my interest in public life, but (I thought) always saw how happy it made me so put up with it.

She says she wants to try, though I just don't feel that bleeding over into actions. She doesn't want to leave the family life we have. She sees what we have built and how happy she has been up until the last six months or so, and was happy but lost the spark that he obviously reignited. Being intimate with me isn't something she's had a high drive for for a few years. She says she loves me but isn't currently in love with me. Bloody cliches...

As for me, I suppose I'm still in one of the stages of grief in that some days I just can't see a world without her. In my more lucid moments I consider the future and visualise how it would work and what it would be like to be with someone whose heart skips a beat when I call them, or who looks at me with a smile that says "I don't want to be anywhere right now but right here with you". I've not had that in years (18 years of relationship dulls that somewhat, though I still feel it about her).

I don't know if we can make it work, if I can get past what she did, but I would regret not trying. And I know it's wrong to stay together for the kids, but if it meant I didn't lose half their birthdays, half their Christmas mornings and half their first events then I would put my ultimate happiness behind that and put up with simple companionship for as long as it took. And if it doesn't work, at least I'll know there was nothing more I could do.

OP posts:
VanillaSugar · 10/03/2017 14:08

The trouble is, as your kids are so young your wife should get main custody. I think you're in the middle of a shit sandwich here. With no sandwich.

Original poster
Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 14:13

@vanillaSugar Having taken advice from a solicitor, that's apparently not the case. Assuming we didn't reach an amicable agreement, the courts would decide what was in the best interests of the children. As she couldn't afford the house, nor could she manage all of the school runs thanks to a relatively inflexible work schedule then there's no reason why she would automatically gain custody.

In any case, she has said that she wouldn't be looking at doing that. She would initially look at getting a room in a shared house and would then work things out from there. Things could still change, but were we to divorce then I would have them for the majority of the time and we'd work out a way for her to also spend as much time with them as was possible.

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 10/03/2017 14:19

I've just read your initial thread. I too think you're flogging a dead horse. In her own words, she's not in love with you.

You sound like a good man, albeit a little longwinded and for that reason I think you really need the chance to find that someone whose heart DOES skip a beat for you.

The betrayal sounds heartbreaking. I feel for you and find myself wondering how my heart wouldn't break into a million pieces myself if I was in your situation.

The only thing I will say though is to be fair with her on custody of her children. Don't use them as a tool to batter her with.

Original poster
Glenoxo · 10/03/2017 14:23

Ha! I'm definitely longwinded when it comes to writing!!! (another thing to add to my list...)

As for the kids - if we divorce then that's a split of relationship between me and her. She's not divorcing them. It's not their fault, and I would never do anything to sour their relationship with their mother.

Having been a child of an incredibly bitter divorce that still drives my mum to tears 32 years later I know the impact it can have on all involved!

(Not yet sure how I'd react if she returned to a relationship with him though and tried to take them out with him there...)

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 10/03/2017 14:23

I think I posted on your other thread, tell her to fuck off, your marriage is dead and she doesn't give a fuck about you.

I can't get over the fact that she socialised with him on Valentines Day FFS!

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 14:24

You are being mugged off.

myoriginal3 · 10/03/2017 14:27

Well, from my calculations she is 35, so I can't see a relationship evolving with a 20 year old. His mammy still washes his boxers.

VanillaSugar · 10/03/2017 14:29

This is one whole mess.

myoriginal3 · 10/03/2017 14:31

Yes Onion, Valentines Day was a right kick in the teeth, particularly as I read a post from Glenoxo as to what he would like for that day. Sad

Telling you she shagged him in the morning too was unnecessary.

The whole virgin thing and he can do a good job blah blah.... That would have been the nail in the coffin for me.

VanillaSugar · 10/03/2017 14:32

OK. And flame me for this, I don't mind - but I think a woman would be more likely to take on a man with 4 kids than another man is likely to take on a woman with 4 kids. I know, I know, stereotyping, but I'm being realistic.

OP - I think the way forward is to call your wife out on this. Tell her you've been to a solicitor and that you think you should divorce. Her reaction will tell you all you need to know.

myoriginal3 · 10/03/2017 14:34

PS I very much doubt he was a virgin. Was she trying to rise you with that comment or does the eejit actually believe it?

I guarantee you, the 20 year old is bragging to his mates about bedding an older married woman. He has NO feelings for her whatsoever. Not sure whether that gives you any comfort but I know what I'm talking about.

Quimby · 10/03/2017 14:35

Get a hold of any important documents and financial info you need and start divorce proceedings

myoriginal3 · 10/03/2017 14:37

Also, it's a long-standing opinion on here, but I generally DO take the side of the woman. I believe this may well be the first case where I am actually siding with the man. That in itself should tell you something.