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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you be happy with your DH staying out overnight?

99 replies

Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 11:03

If it was unplanned, last minute and not something you had agreed upon?

My DH has several times taken it upon himself to decide to stay out all night after a night out, to save himself the hassle and expense of getting back. He will go on a mid week work night out, drink too much and not bother to catch his last train. So he then has the choice of an expensive taxi home or to stay out. He usually stays at his companies flat, but has also slept on people's sofas.

This really pisses me off as I'm left to deal with our children not only during the evening of his night out but the next morning too. We discuss it but he still does it again.

He did it last night and I'm fuming. He says I'm being silly as he took the "sensible option", and that he did keep me informed of what he was doing.

Am I being "silly"? I just think staying out all night isn't something married people with kids can take it upon themselves to decide to do?

OP posts:

Pawpainting · 10/03/2017 18:30

as long as he doesn't take advantage and is home at a reasonable time in the morning when he takes over.

Wow, your husband is a rare one. In my own experience and from reading a million of these threads on here over the years, they never "take over". They come home in a state and fuck off to bed until at least the afternoon. Or the OPs case her DH goes straight in to work.

It's not on OP and constantly using the company flat and going into work the next day in the yesterdays clothes is totally unprofessional. As well as the possibility of drug use at work functions or on work property (the flat). If his job were ever looking for a reason to sack him they've got it.

Emboo19 · 10/03/2017 18:31

I think it will be the clothes though Any if he's not got a change to put on.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 18:43

I would be looking for clothes that are missing from the house.

Spare toothbrush.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 18:43

Etc

Original poster

Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 21:48

Yes there are showering facilities. I'm not disputing that he might stink, it just made me laugh as it's not really been one of my concerns and it amused me.

OP posts:

RestlessTraveller · 10/03/2017 22:05

I wouldn't have an issue. I wouldn't presume to tell another adult what to, or not to do.

disappearingfish · 10/03/2017 22:13

I would also suspect drugs.

Even if not, he is opting out of him responsibilities.

disappearingfish · 10/03/2017 22:14

*his

SandyY2K · 10/03/2017 22:28

This isn't something my DH does, so I can't imagine dealing with it. Our expectations, albeit unsaid are that we come home after a night out.

The only place I would probably stay out is at my own Dsis house. I was too tired to drive home.

If it bothered me like it does you, then I'd do it as well and see how he feels.

If it's good enough for him, then it's good enough for you.

Sallystyle · 10/03/2017 22:31

I'm always surprised by the responses on mumsnet in these kind of threads. I genuinely don't know anyone in real life with any form of (successful and happy ) marriage where either party is expected to ask "permission" to stay out

Well I am happily married and we don't think it's ok to go out, get pissed and not come home.

The same for most people I know in happy marriages. I don't know anyone who would be ok with the situation the OP describes. I guess they are all going to end up divorced though

Mind you, someone who goes out and gets so drunk they end up staying out regularly just isn't someone I could find attractive. Grow up.

OP, I would suspect drugs as well

stitchglitched · 10/03/2017 22:38

'I wouldn't presume to tell another adult what to, or not to do.'

Well he is telling the OP that she can do all the childcare, mealtimes, bathtime and juggle the bedtime and morning routines on her own. He may not have said it out loud, but that is what happens when he makes the unilateral decision not to come home.

PollytheDolly · 11/03/2017 04:54

Well I am happily married and we don't think it's ok to go out, get pissed and not come home.

Same here.

pullingmyhairout1 · 11/03/2017 05:22

Not married and my children are not my partners.

My partner does this a couple of times per week but more to get away from the stress of my son who has aspergers. It's hard because sometimes he works nights too so it can be very stressful. However he always tells me he won't be coming home either before he goes out or during his night out. The only frustrating thing is that we live in a really bad signal area so sometimes getting hold of each other is a nightmare.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 11/03/2017 06:14

I used to work with a man like this. Also a fairly trendy, permissive place so he 'got away with it' professionally. But to be totally honest, much as we liked him generally, we thought he was a total tool for behaving that way and felt incredibly sorry for his wife.

He also regularly smelt.

DownTownAbbey · 11/03/2017 06:38

My exH used to do this. The midlife crisis alarm is goin off. Drinking all night? 'DJ'ing? Possible drug use? If he gets a new tattoo, buys a motorbike and joins a band expect him to be telling the new girl at work his wife doesn't understand him.

Annesmyth123 · 11/03/2017 07:27

Just to add to this. DP went out yesterday straight from work to watch the rugby. He told me before he left he would be staying at his mates and that's where he is. Drunkenly snoring and farting and beer smelling probably. I don't have a problem with him staying out. But if he'd said he was coming home and just not bothered I'd have been cross.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 11/03/2017 07:44

I don't have a problem with him staying out. But if he'd said he was coming home and just not bothered I'd have been cross.

Absolutely this. My DH was also out all night last night, but he told me on Thursday that that was the plan.

Annesmyth123 · 11/03/2017 07:56

Just one other thing to add. DP is watching the rugby again today but he won't be driving. I'm picking him up later on. Because he would be over the limit (even if he wasn't going out and driving home this morning)

Annesmyth123 · 11/03/2017 08:02

I mean he would be over the limit if he was driving home this morning

Thinkingofausername1 · 11/03/2017 09:59

I'd be suspicious op. I'm surprised no one has suggested about an ow.

TedEriksen · 11/03/2017 16:56

Can't get over some of the responses on this thread. DW and I live rurally so on our (very rare) nights out we often have to stay out all night and crash somewhere else, if we want a drink and want to be out later than 9.30. Nothing suspicious, neither of us are taking the piss our of the other.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 11/03/2017 19:49

It honestly wouldn't bother me. As long as I'm told so I don't worry then I'm alright with it and he can do as he pleases.

fiorentina · 12/03/2017 08:27

Where I work this isn't that unusual for some of the team after the occasional night out. I think it's disrespectful to their other halves but they aren't up to no good, I wouldn't say they have alcohol issues generally, they are just getting hammered and missing the last train home, and staying with colleagues. They usually buy a new shirt on the way in..

OverOn · 12/03/2017 09:43

Had this happen to a friend. Turns out he was using coke and had been having a affair with a younger colleague for a year.

She had no idea. Thoght he was re-living his youth, but he would never have an affair or take drugs now he had young children.

She only found out because a suspect package fell out of his coat. She now says it was so obvious in retrospect - staying out and abdicating responsibility to her weren't the actions of a responsible family man.

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