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Original poster

Would you be happy with your DH staying out overnight?

99 replies

Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 11:03

If it was unplanned, last minute and not something you had agreed upon?

My DH has several times taken it upon himself to decide to stay out all night after a night out, to save himself the hassle and expense of getting back. He will go on a mid week work night out, drink too much and not bother to catch his last train. So he then has the choice of an expensive taxi home or to stay out. He usually stays at his companies flat, but has also slept on people's sofas.

This really pisses me off as I'm left to deal with our children not only during the evening of his night out but the next morning too. We discuss it but he still does it again.

He did it last night and I'm fuming. He says I'm being silly as he took the "sensible option", and that he did keep me informed of what he was doing.

Am I being "silly"? I just think staying out all night isn't something married people with kids can take it upon themselves to decide to do?

OP posts:
littlefrog3 · 10/03/2017 12:01

YANBU. As several posters have said, how would he react if the OP did the same? I am willing to bet he would be pretty pissed off, and wouldn't stand for it.

As for what BLUNTNESS said; nobody is saying anyone needs permission to stay out; it's about respect and courtesy and not expecting the wife/partner to have to deal with all the domestic stuff/childcare, while you fuck off out with your mates, get blotto, and stay out til the next morning!

YOU may be OK with this, but many people are not, and I can tell you that most men would not tolerate their wife/partner doing this. Especially if it meant them having to deal with the children. Some men I know/have known do anything they can to get AWAY from childcare duties, so I am damn sure most wouldn't tolerate their wife/partner going out on the lash regularly and staying out til the next morning!

And if you and your spouse have been fine with one another staying out regularly and not coming back, then bully for you; that doesn't mean other people will be. Doesn't make them wrong, just different.

Personally, I can't think of anything worse than being in a relationship where it's acceptable to sod off with your mates for the night, and leave your partner with the children, (not knowing where you are;) and then roll up still half-drunk the next morning. Sounds like pretty disgusting, childish, thoughtless behaviour. I would never accept this in my marriage, and neither would my DH, and quite rightly too!

Bluntness100 · 10/03/2017 12:07

Dear God! My parents have been married for 53 years, and nearly all their friends are 50-50+ years. Never once did they or any of their friends think it was acceptable to go out on the razz and then just 'let the other know' if they were going to bother to come home. The ones who behaved like that, yeah, they divorced.

littlefrog3 · 10/03/2017 12:14

Well, I'm twenty seven years down the line and it's working for us, the two closest couples we know are twenty five years and twenty years down the line and it's working for them. Any other more distant friends and relatives are also long time married and it's working for them too.

Funny that, because I don't know a SINGLE COUPLE who are OK with their partner/spouse going out on the lash regularly, getting pissed, and coming home the next morning, whilst their spouse looks after the children.

Not. One. Couple.

Lilyloo456 · 10/03/2017 12:19

Am I the only one who isn't arsed if my bloke does this? We live a while away from town so taxis are pricey, so it makes sense for him to kip at a mates... there have been times when I've picked him up but not bothered if he goes out and then sleeps at his mates. I get the whole day and evening to myself , plus the bed without a snoring, stinky, farting drunk boyfriend hogging the bed 👍🏻

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 12:20

I agree it is dysfunctional. I get the occasional "big" night out but this is just random mid week drinks etc.

I'm not worried that he is cheating or that he is not where he says he is, but I find it disrespectful and hugely annoying. I feel he takes for granted that I am there to sort the kids out while he goes out and does what he fancies.

He would say I can go out whenever I like. But the difference is that I have to pre-plan it. I have to make arrangements for him to finish work early and collect the kids from daycare. I can't just go for a drink when I fancy, or decide to turn a quick drink into an all nighter as though I'm single with no responsibilities.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 10/03/2017 12:23

My parents have also been married for 47 years and no-one in their circle ever thought it was acceptable to go out and get so drunk they couldn't come home afterwards. It's certainly not like living with a controlling parent, it's called having responsibilities. Would it be ok to go out as a couple and get smashed and ring the babysitter at midnight to say they weren't coming home? And if not then, then why is it acceptable to do it to your partner.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 12:25

Lilyloo - I'm presuming you don't have small children to deal with? To be left to do the bath, bedtime routine, night wakings, then get them up and dressed and out of the house in half an hour the next morning? Or as like this morning for me - to deal with a puking child.

OP posts:
midcenturymodern · 10/03/2017 12:28

Every so often for a pre-arranged event - not a problem

Frequent and random not bothering to come home and expecting partner to pick up the sack - fuck that

midcenturymodern · 10/03/2017 12:28

*slack

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/03/2017 12:31

He's being a selfish prick.

I wonder how he'd feel if you did this regularly, leaving him to do everything with the kids?

Entitled sexist egotistical behaviour.

littlefrog3 · 10/03/2017 12:31

I would ask lilyloo that too. And I am willing to bet she is 20-something with no kids. Most women with young children are not going to be happy with their man sodding off getting pissed on a regular basis and staying out til the next morning, whilst they deal with the kids!

And very few men would tolerate it either!

Lilyloo456 · 10/03/2017 12:36

Actually I'm not a 20 year old "something " with no kids! I'm nearly 40 with two grown up kids and two little ones! And I have done the whole next morning thing actually- as long as he doesn't take advantage and is home at a reasonable time in the morning when he takes over.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 12:37

I can't remember who asked but he doesn't come home the next morning he goes straight to work.

I would and am fine about it when it's pre planned, like for example the xmas party. It just pisses me off when he does it at other times. He had assured me several times that last night wouldn't be a late one. He has a 2 hour drive to do tonight. I checked in with him about 11.30pm and he assured me he was "keeping an eye on the trains". Come 1am and he still wasn't back so I called him and he was "DJ'ing". Then he texts at 3am to say he was staying at his companies flat.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 12:39

Op, You absolutely can give him a taste of his own medicine.

You could go out, ring him late on, tell him you are not coming home and leave all the child arrangements to him. Let him sink or swim.

The difference is though....you take your responsibilities seriously and he does not.

What does this tell you ?

sunshineandshow3rs · 10/03/2017 12:40

He is very selfish.

I wouldn't put up with it as a regular thing. No way.

An odd night out (that doesn't fall on a work/school night) that goes on longer than expected, fine, it happens. But a regular thing, I would actually be ending the relationship.

It impacts on the partner at home with the kids too much.

They are left to deal with tea, bath and bed, any night wakings, an early start getting up with the kids, breakfast, possibly taking them to childcare or school, going to work, collecting the kids, then doing tea, bath and bed again while the partner who went out is ether still at work or moping about tired and hungover being useless.

Not what I signed up for when I got married and decided to have kids, and I wouldn't accept that shit if it was happening more than once every few months.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 12:40

Is he driving to work after all this drinking and partying ?

Emboo19 · 10/03/2017 12:41

That was me op! Does he have a change of clothes or anything then? Are his work quite relaxed about him turning up hungover in the night befores clothes?

The fact you've asked him to come back and, he still does it would be a issue for me.

AnyFucker · 10/03/2017 12:43

What do the people he is partying with do ? All crash at the "company flat" like Uni students ?

And "DJ'ing" into the early hours ? He sounds like a tool. A tool with a drink or coke problem. Or a liar who thinks admitting to this juvenile laddish behaviour will throw you off the scent of something different altogether.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 12:51

He walks to work as the flat is above the office. No idea what he wears to work. It's a hipster place so I doubt they notice if he rocks up in the same stuff.

The people he is with go home I expect. But they are mostly not married with kids and still live in the city. We don't anymore.

OP posts:
Raaaaaah · 10/03/2017 12:51

Nope I would be totally jarred off with this as would all the friends I know. My DP used to do it before we had children and even then I was not ok with it.
I think the assumption that you will be there to behave responsibly for the kids is the thing that would miff me. If I wanted to go on a bender I would have to book a babysitter weeks in advance and even then be sober enough to be responsible when I got home.

Raaaaaah · 10/03/2017 12:52

Is he resentful that you moved out of the city? Sorry, just curious really.

Original poster
Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 12:53

The DJ'ing thing has me eye rolling too. He genuinely seemed to expect me to be happy for him when I called him at 1am!
He used to DJ in clubs when he was young.... but he is now middle aged. It's sad!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dixie2016 · 10/03/2017 12:57

No hje isn't resentful. It was his decision, and he is always on about moving to the depths of the country. We currently live a 20 minute train ride away - so hardly that far.

OP posts:
yikesanotherbooboo · 10/03/2017 12:58

I would like notice of this ... before I've cooked dinner and so that I don't have to wait up or lie awake expecting him to crash about late at night. No small children now but most of that was down to me anyway so that wouldn't have worried me. I can eat beans on toast and watch rubbish on the TV/ go to bed early if no one else to worry about so I certainly wouldn't object.

Raaaaaah · 10/03/2017 13:02

He's being a juvenile twit. I know that isn't helpful but at least you know that the majority wouldn't be ok with it so you don't question your own judgement.