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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I fear for my wife.

34 replies

Sharkdiveruk · 10/03/2017 08:46

Hello to all, I need some help.

My wife is having a tough time, both at work and in her head and I do not know what to do for the best.
Her health has taken a kicking and she does not like herself, doctors are not really helping, I tell her I love her and I hold her tight but it does not help.

I am at a loss of what to do next, it hurts me to see her fighting a battle at her job which is not of her making but the system is set in such a way to make you fail. She has strong morals which she wants to hold true to but the job will not let her do that.
She seams to get more depressed by the situation every day and all I can do is sit there and listen but even then she will not tell me everything.

She fears she will loose me and our child, but I tell her its not going to happen, she feels as if she is going to be put away and burst into tears.

I hold her tight and it hurts, I am lost as to what to do, I have had my dark times and my wife has been there for me and supported me but it is as if she thinks its her problem to sort out.

What do I do.

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
uhoh2016 · 10/03/2017 09:13

I don't think you can do anything other than just be there. Try to relieve any stresses in the home little things like organising the children's childcare or doing their homework with them. Making sure the house work is kept on top off. Every day things that may seem insignificant but are ultimately 1 less thing to do/worry about.
Listen if she wants to vent to you but also be comfortable with the silence if she doesn't want to talk.

MrsExpo · 10/03/2017 09:17

I'm so sorry you're going through this and your wife is a very lucky woman to have you so staunchly on her side. Is there any way she can leave her job, as it sounds like the cause of her issues? Even if she then went into a temporary role or had a month or two off, it would help and she would be in a better place to look for something which isn't stressing her out so much. I have been is a similar situation my self in the past and it's overwhelming. Quitting was the answer .... even if it meant I was pretty broke for a couple of months til I found something else.

Ampersand22 · 10/03/2017 09:25

My husband could have written this about me two years ago, I had a big mental and physical breakdown.

He was there and he held me when I cried and he took me out for a drive in the car around the countryside, and I liked that because I couldn't physically do anything. He drove around for hours. He took me on walks because and he didn't expect me to talk.

He thinks to do this day he "didn't do much".

Keep doing what you're doing, if it possible for her to have a rest in any way tell her to take it, get signed off. I did. I was also having a rubbish time in work, being stalked by a customer. Management didn't care. Awful times. If it wasn't for my husband I think I might have been in psychiatric hospital as it would have been the best place for me at the time.

I send you all my will and best wishes that it will be ok. Keep holding on.

CatyB · 10/03/2017 09:43

I can only say that you are a good person to have shown the support you already have and that you should continue doing so. You must know that it will pass, no matter how long it takes and that you need to provide all the support she needs. On a more practical side of things, it would help if you can actually address the issue that is troubling her at work.

Original poster
Sharkdiveruk · 10/03/2017 14:38

Hi CatyB

Well there is the point, she is a high school teacher, she is head of the department. She is fighting against the system and her colleges. they all want to get the league tables up, so the only way to do that is to lie and cheat. Her best friend is the deputy head at this school, she has asked her why, we all do it came the answer.

She sits and cries her eyes out at this, she tells me that she can not lie on documents, if the child cannot reach the grade there is no point doctoring the paperwork. She will try and help but the system is set up for her to fail.

To everyone who has replied, thank you. I had a tear running down my cheek, one of the girls in the office looking at a grown man cry....had to laugh.

OP posts:
loxlinlee · 10/03/2017 16:18

You are a wonderful husband.

I left secondary teaching for this reason last year. It was hell. Bring HOD is even worse than hell. The best thing my DH did for me was give me his blessing to leave the career. Life has been much better since.

ConfidentlyUnhinged · 10/03/2017 19:16

Please please please try to get her some external support, in a great believer in counselling. I've just lost a good friend too suicide and I felt your pain and hers in your post. It scared me.

Helbelle75 · 10/03/2017 19:34

When I read your first post, I just knew she was a teacher. I feel exactly the same way and it could gave been my DH writing that. Fortunately I am now on maternity leave, but torn as to what to do when I am due to return.
She is right, the system is wrong and I would bet that she's an outstanding teacher. Unfortunately, for those of us who truly care about the students and not data, it takes a huge toll emotionally.
I would agree with external support, definitely a gp visit.
She is very lucky to have you.

honestlywhatswrongwithme · 10/03/2017 19:37

This, honestly could have been my DH writing this!! Poor man puts up with so much!! And the thing that works the most is the little things...cup of tea, dishes done, kids fed!! You sound like a wonderful husband!!

georgethecat · 10/03/2017 19:54

No job is worth your health.

abc12345 · 10/03/2017 20:20

I agree with the above.

Get her signed off sick so she can have a bit of time to think. Seriously think about weather the job is worth it and weather you can live without her wage (even temporarily).

Mind are a good source of support for mental health and cognitive behavioural therapy really helps if you can down and can't get back up but if you know what the main problem is (e.g. Her job) deal with that first.
just keep doing what you are doing... support her, make sure she knows her happiness is more important that any money/job/etc, do as much as you can with the kids and around the house (even running a bath makes someone know you care) and she will feel very lucky to have you.

You are doing great. I hope things get better soon

Xx

Ps I have a lot of friends that are teachers and they are all struggling with the stupid system

SandyY2K · 10/03/2017 20:36

Could she take a sabbatical from work and get away from it for a while? My Dsis teaches at a FE college and it is the same. They take students who have low ability and are told they have to pass and they even sneakily 'waive' the entry criteria.

The falsification of grades or predictions, just doesn't help anyone, least of all the students.

One of my friends who teaches, said they were practically doing the course work and controlled assessments for kids in their school.

I think teachers do a fabulous job, but the internal politics and massaging and manipulation is awful.

I don't get the impression that teaching in private schools is as stressful as state schools.

It's no surprise that so many good teachers leave the job. This problem stems from the government/DFe and just spirals down, putting pressure on everyone.

Renniehorta · 10/03/2017 21:10

So many teachers are made ill by this terrible system of having to cheat and betray their principles. OP your wife is far from alone. If only teachers would get together and refuse to go along with it. Then many would be spared the MH problems that are the result.

Unfortunately schools are literally built now to divide and rule. There are no staff rooms where solidarity can be created.

MajesticWhine · 10/03/2017 21:19

Usually NHS talking therapy services you can self refer to, don't need a GP referral. I strongly suggest she does this to get some support.

IcanMooCanYou · 10/03/2017 21:27

I knew she was a teacher from your first post Sad She needs to leave her job. I know it is so easy for me to type and may be much harder for you both to actual do financially but you just need to find a way.

I was in the same position. Being signed off sick helped some way (made GP appointment and just about managed to get out my issues through absolute broken down sobs). But it wasn't until i handed in my notice that the HUGE cloud lifted. Still took a couple of months for me to properly feeling like me again, but i was 90% better just from knowing I never ever had to go back there again.

I did supply- which paid the bills, then got a permanent job teaching which i now love. At the time I'd have happily never taught again.

DH on the other hand has just got out of teaching. He's taken a £10k drop in pay but is so much happier.

The main thing I remember at my initial GP appointment was me saying 'I just can't do it' and my lovely GP saying 'You don't HAVE to do anything'. Those words really kept me going.

IcanMooCanYou · 10/03/2017 21:37

Also my DH was just wonderful during that time. (and I have an exH who i know would have been the opposite!). What he did doesn't sound much but it was everything to me:
Hugged me and let me cry as I walked in the door each evening.
Didn't ask me how my day had gone! But did listen when I needed to talk.
Did everything around the house when I just couldn't cope with anything but school work.
Went with me to the GP.
Told me I should quite and set about looking for cheaper places to rent. Never ever made me feel guilty that we might have to leave our home if I wasn't earning. (we didn't in the end- used savings and cut back for a few months until I was earning again)

IcanMooCanYou · 10/03/2017 21:37

*quit!

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 10/03/2017 21:43

Her union should be able to offer her some counselling support or at least signpost her to some.

It's important for her to know she has choices and counselling will help her work out what they are.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 10/03/2017 21:44

local.teachers.org.uk/barnet/24C.cfm

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 10/03/2017 21:45

They'll be able to signpost if they only support teachers in Barnet.

Waterlemon · 10/03/2017 21:49

I guessed from your first post that your wife is a teacher!

I've been teaching for 15 years. The last 5 have been pretty tough! I work in The lower end of primary and the pressure is just as bad for us too!

I think your wife needs to step away for a bit! Rest, recover and then look for a job in a less toxic setting.

I been in a similar place to your wife. I'm fortunate that I now have a part time position at a school with a very supportive head, and have given up all the extra leadership responsibilities I once had! Good management makes such a difference no matter what sector you work in!

No job is worth that amount of stress - life really is too short!

You sound like a wonderful husband! I send you both my best wishes for the future.

SailAwaySailAwaySailAway · 10/03/2017 21:51

www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/helping-you
I'd try here first. A member has spoken to our cluster of schools and they sounded very good.

Way · 10/03/2017 21:52

sorry tappy finger
TBH
I'd seek prof help
Despite consequences

Original poster
Sharkdiveruk · 10/03/2017 21:53

I have asked her to quit and take a year off, do something else, but I know my wife. She will not let go of it, she will not be beaten by them or the system. I asked her again tonight about leaving but she wont let it go.
I love this woman to bits

OP posts:
Way · 10/03/2017 23:24

I just don't like the sounds of it
Hard to gauge
I lost my DP by giving him the Space to be an adult , man up n deal.
I was wrong
I should have care takered completely