I fear for my wife.

[Sharkdiveruk]

Hello to all, I need some help.

My wife is having a tough time, both at work and in her head and I do not know what to do for the best.
Her health has taken a kicking and she does not like herself, doctors are not really helping, I tell her I love her and I hold her tight but it does not help.

I am at a loss of what to do next, it hurts me to see her fighting a battle at her job which is not of her making but the system is set in such a way to make you fail. She has strong morals which she wants to hold true to but the job will not let her do that.
She seams to get more depressed by the situation every day and all I can do is sit there and listen but even then she will not tell me everything.

She fears she will loose me and our child, but I tell her its not going to happen, she feels as if she is going to be put away and burst into tears.

I hold her tight and it hurts, I am lost as to what to do, I have had my dark times and my wife has been there for me and supported me but it is as if she thinks its her problem to sort out.

What do I do.

Thanks in advance.

[JoJoSM2]

I think she would benefit from counselling either on the NHS or privately. She need to get a sense of perspective. That should help her with some resilience. At the moment, she seems to live and breath work and works herself up. She can't see wood for the trees, so to speak - she needs to start thinking of herself and her family and balance out other important things in life.

[Popskipiekin]

I don't teach and this made me well up a bit - for you, OP, who seem to be the very definition of darling husband for your wife struggling so hard in a profession which should be valued to the rafters; for all you other teachers out there in the same boat. I am so very sorry it is like that for all of you. I have two young sons and god help me if I don't appreciate the work their future teachers will be doing for them.
You've had good advice. I have been in a job I hated (long hours, crying every night with the stress of it). I left the industry but found I could use my skills elsewhere. Your wife is an expert in her field. Like I said, I don't teach so I'm spouting nonsense probably but...can she redirect her skills? Do some private tutoring? Downsize school? Leave management?

[TryingToStartOver]

While she is waiting for NHS counselling I recommend www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/helping-you

I know Sailaway has already posted a link but I thought I'd post it again to save you going back to find it. I used them extensively when my life was imploding, they were brilliant and between them and my union I was able to negotiate a deal to leave with enough leeway to allow me some recovery before having to find other work.

Your wife is lucky to have you supporting her. My stbx told me to snap out of it when I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and gave me a list of reasons why I shouldn't be depressed and was majorly pissed of when my GP recommended leaving my job. That said make sure you are looking after yourself too, you can't give if you are exhausted. Good luck to you both.

[Sharkdiveruk]

yep, I was being thick

[caffelatte100]

DH = darling husband

[Sharkdiveruk]

Well we had a good talk this weekend and a laugh, first time I have seen her laugh out loud in a while. She does agree that things could be better in a lot of areas and I could do with getting off the PC once in a while.

We talked about how she felt and where she wants to be. Taking time out from teaching is still off the books but we can manage on one wage, we did it before.

Her health is the most important to me and she is going back to the doctor, this time she wont take no for an answer!

To everyone here that has replied, thank you very much, it has been a great help.
this may sound daft but can some one answer one thing - what DH stand for or am I being a bit thick?

[loxlinlee]

www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1031051796374478084#allposts/src=sidebar

I've write a blog all about it. Teaching is awful.
In the run up to leaving secondary teaching, I completely detached myself. I only did what was necessary and strived for adequate, doing only what management asked of me at the time. I set my working hours to 8-5.30 and stopped working at weekends. It saved my sanity for a time.
How about hiring a cleaner at home so that home is purely a place of relaxation for your wife, allowing her to switch off when not at work.
Sometimes it's the desire to do a great job in teaching that causes much of the problem as it's just so.impossible.

[DustyOwl]

I also knew she was a teacher. I feel for you both. We are hanging on in there at the moment, the thought of leaving makes me so happy but I know we can't afford it.

I agree, it's the little things that will help. (I was nearly welling up with gratitude today when DH cooked dinner and did the kitchen! Friday nights should not be like this.)

My school is toxic, the system is screwed anyway but if you don't have an understanding head it's horrible.

Good luck to you

[IcanMooCanYou]

Ok well if she really won't, and there's nothing actually stopping her quitting (like you need her wage) then just be there for her. Possibly gently explain that it's not just her it's have an affect on (but you know her better than us whether this might feel like a criticism to her or might just make her think of the wider impact her job is having on your relationship- don't know if you have kids)

And be there in practical ways: help point her towards avenues of support, house keeping, etc.

It's hard because in the midst of it, my DH organising something like a weekend away to 'forget it all' would have been the worst thing he could have done. A weekend without being able to catch up on work would have thrown me into absolute panic and I couldn't get away from it anyway as it was just my whole existence!

[Way]

I just don't like the sounds of it
Hard to gauge
I lost my DP by giving him the Space to be an adult , man up n deal.
I was wrong
I should have care takered completely

[Sharkdiveruk]

I have asked her to quit and take a year off, do something else, but I know my wife. She will not let go of it, she will not be beaten by them or the system. I asked her again tonight about leaving but she wont let it go.
I love this woman to bits

[Way]

sorry tappy finger
TBH
I'd seek prof help
Despite consequences

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/helping-you
I'd try here first. A member has spoken to our cluster of schools and they sounded very good.

[Waterlemon]

I guessed from your first post that your wife is a teacher!

I've been teaching for 15 years. The last 5 have been pretty tough! I work in The lower end of primary and the pressure is just as bad for us too!

I think your wife needs to step away for a bit! Rest, recover and then look for a job in a less toxic setting.

I been in a similar place to your wife. I'm fortunate that I now have a part time position at a school with a very supportive head, and have given up all the extra leadership responsibilities I once had! Good management makes such a difference no matter what sector you work in!

No job is worth that amount of stress - life really is too short!

You sound like a wonderful husband! I send you both my best wishes for the future.

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

They'll be able to signpost if they only support teachers in Barnet.

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

local.teachers.org.uk/barnet/24C.cfm

[SailAwaySailAwaySailAway]

Her union should be able to offer her some counselling support or at least signpost her to some.

It's important for her to know she has choices and counselling will help her work out what they are.

[IcanMooCanYou]

*quit!

[IcanMooCanYou]

Also my DH was just wonderful during that time. (and I have an exH who i know would have been the opposite!). What he did doesn't sound much but it was everything to me:
Hugged me and let me cry as I walked in the door each evening.
Didn't ask me how my day had gone! But did listen when I needed to talk.
Did everything around the house when I just couldn't cope with anything but school work.
Went with me to the GP.
Told me I should quite and set about looking for cheaper places to rent. Never ever made me feel guilty that we might have to leave our home if I wasn't earning. (we didn't in the end- used savings and cut back for a few months until I was earning again)

[IcanMooCanYou]

I knew she was a teacher from your first post She needs to leave her job. I know it is so easy for me to type and may be much harder for you both to actual do financially but you just need to find a way.

I was in the same position. Being signed off sick helped some way (made GP appointment and just about managed to get out my issues through absolute broken down sobs). But it wasn't until i handed in my notice that the HUGE cloud lifted. Still took a couple of months for me to properly feeling like me again, but i was 90% better just from knowing I never ever had to go back there again.

I did supply- which paid the bills, then got a permanent job teaching which i now love. At the time I'd have happily never taught again.

DH on the other hand has just got out of teaching. He's taken a £10k drop in pay but is so much happier.

The main thing I remember at my initial GP appointment was me saying 'I just can't do it' and my lovely GP saying 'You don't HAVE to do anything'. Those words really kept me going.

[MajesticWhine]

Usually NHS talking therapy services you can self refer to, don't need a GP referral. I strongly suggest she does this to get some support.

[Renniehorta]

So many teachers are made ill by this terrible system of having to cheat and betray their principles. OP your wife is far from alone. If only teachers would get together and refuse to go along with it. Then many would be spared the MH problems that are the result.

Unfortunately schools are literally built now to divide and rule. There are no staff rooms where solidarity can be created.

[SandyY2K]

Could she take a sabbatical from work and get away from it for a while? My Dsis teaches at a FE college and it is the same. They take students who have low ability and are told they have to pass and they even sneakily 'waive' the entry criteria.

The falsification of grades or predictions, just doesn't help anyone, least of all the students.

One of my friends who teaches, said they were practically doing the course work and controlled assessments for kids in their school.

I think teachers do a fabulous job, but the internal politics and massaging and manipulation is awful.

I don't get the impression that teaching in private schools is as stressful as state schools.

It's no surprise that so many good teachers leave the job. This problem stems from the government/DFe and just spirals down, putting pressure on everyone.

[abc12345]

I agree with the above.

Get her signed off sick so she can have a bit of time to think. Seriously think about weather the job is worth it and weather you can live without her wage (even temporarily).

Mind are a good source of support for mental health and cognitive behavioural therapy really helps if you can down and can't get back up but if you know what the main problem is (e.g. Her job) deal with that first.
just keep doing what you are doing... support her, make sure she knows her happiness is more important that any money/job/etc, do as much as you can with the kids and around the house (even running a bath makes someone know you care) and she will feel very lucky to have you.

You are doing great. I hope things get better soon

Xx

Ps I have a lot of friends that are teachers and they are all struggling with the stupid system

[georgethecat]

No job is worth your health.