He sounds a bit like my dh. He struggles to see things from others POV. My dad died when I was 16 and I had no one supporting me at all. My mother doesn't believe in emotions and his death was all about her and her feelings so everyone rallied around her. My brother and I simply were side kicks in her show.
I was still very much stuck in my grief when dh and I met a few years later. Dh moved countries to be with me so we lived together pretty much from the get go, which was a big adjustment for both of us. I got very very depressed within a few months of being together as I was finally ready to face my grief. The depression lasted perhaps 18 months but did not fully resolve. Consequently, our relationship was tumultuous at times as he was completely out of his depth and young and we got close to separating on more than one occasion.
When his mum died, dh only cried once and really seemed to need very little emotional support even though I was available. When my much beloved and supportive dog died, dh was no help (this was the dog, who snuggled with me and gave me a reason not to kill myself during my depression). Dh expected me to continue to function as if nothing had happened and we had Christmas at ours less than a week later with my mother and her husband as well as dhs father staying over for a few nights. None of them offered me any support at all. It was awful. I ended up rolling around on the floor screaming after a crappy comment about the dog from my mothers husband. The pain was so intense and my husband coldly told me I should explain to his father why I acted this way....... No one came to my rescue. I was just left there being made out to be a mad woman by a group of emotionally illiterate people, who should have known better and didn't.
Since then, we've had a child. Dh has learnt through being a father to be more emotionally available. Most of this has come from me as I've had a lot of therapy and my emotions are no longer jumbled and raw. I've taught him lots about how to act and be with our dd, who is on a similar emotional level to me. I'm also a lot tougher emotionally so can protect both her and me when his emotional intelligence is lacking. And sometimes vis versa as well because things can get too much for me sometimes as I'm pretty ill myself. When our second dog died, Dh was much more supportive of me and knew how to act because he's learnt how to be with others. He was also a lot more emotional about the dog dying than when his mother died. For he now knows grief and emotional pain isn't a scary thing, just a part of life. He is far more accepting of others' feelings.
These days I am also far more accepting of how other people function. I get not everyone can support me emotionally. I see I'm pretty much surrounded by people, who don't get emotions. Dhs' father is definitely undiagnosed autistic and there were massive gaps in dhs' education of how to be an adult male with his father as a role model. Dh doesn't seem to have any major autistic tendancies himself. Both my parents are/were very immature and I've also learnt to be a grown up through my therapy and passed what I've learnt on to dh. This is making us both better parents and communicators.
I am really really sorry for your loss. It is so hard when you have no support network around you. The best advice I can give is to go and find the tools you need to support yourself. I'm proof this can work.
In the meantime, I would not censure my emotions. Tough shit if he doesn't like it. This about you, not him. And if he doesn't understand, perhaps tell him to leave you to your grief because he is making the whole process harder when in reality you need him to be there to make it easier. As this is the case, you are trying to accept he can't be there for you emotionally and the best thing he can do is to give you space to grieve without comment. This type of conversation would be best had in a calmer moment.
He sounds very very confused. His way of dealing with your emotions now and in the past is to tell you he doesn't want you acting this way. And it feels like he's preventing you from being you. Which it will be if you comply. So don't. He has to take responsibility for his reaction to your pain. It is not for you to censure your emotions. Otherwise you're just doing what I was trained to do as a child. To create a false self.
You've said you change your behaviour to please and protect him. This is a false self and as you live through your false self and act in ways contrary to your nature, it is normal that you are becoming increasingly angry. As the false self takes over, the authentic part of you is being squashed and is wanting to burst out. As you suppress yourself, you are being untrue to who you really are and this is a very unhealthy way to live.
So sfop tormenting yourself to be who you think he wants you to be. Get some counselling. Do this and you are advocating for you and supporting you. You are worth it. And in the long run, you may also be more available to teach your husband how to be. Either this or you will end up wanting more to life and not to be with him anymore. This is not something to be decided on today and time will tell.
I can also see time is also perhaps a precious commodity for you given how your dad died. And this is all the more reason to seek therapy/counselling. I can hear this is a very tough time for you. 