Dad died and husband went to conference

[StilletoRose]

My dad died On Sunday. It was a shock. And it was also from an illness I have a precursor form of (quite unusual so it might out me). My husband went to a conference for work Tuesday-Wednesday.

I didn't ask him not to go- he's made a fuss before if I get in the way of work stuff.

When I started crying about it today, he said I could have asked him to stay home and he would have. It's also taken him til today to connect with the fact that as well as losing my dad, I am now very worried for the future I.e. Will I die from the same thing.

I'm a) not sure that would have been the case b) not sure I'm able to stay with someone who doesn't see that it's a bad idea to leave a freshly bereaved spouse on their own for a couple of days (my mum is dead, no siblings, so no family to be with in his absence) c) also not sure I am in the best frame of mind to make any decisions.

He's never been the most emotionally intelligent guy, but I am really floored by this.

Thank you Fuzzy.

I think the decent person comment was uncalled for. youre clearly upset about your dad. You clearly need more from him and he's struggling to give it

You are married to a selfish arsehole.

Sorry but thats what it comes down to. You are not allowed to ask anything of him, not to expect him to put anything before his job and suggests that you are in the wrong for crying because your father just died. If it had just been him not knowing how to deal with your loss then that might be excusable (barely) but this attitude has been going on for far longer which says that it is an ingrained belief that you and your needs will always come second.

Dont do anything about it now, but file the knowledge away to think about and deal with when you are feeling stronger after your loss.

Thinking of you xx

At first I thought maybe he is an aspie but seeing your updates I fear he's maybe a little uncaring.

But you know what, deal with him after you've dealt with the initial grief for your Father. Whatever his deal is, don't let it interfere with you grieving process right now. We're here if you need to chat.

I was inhale when my mum died Fuzzy, so I grieved on my own (grief counseling, then therapy, my mum and dad were divorced so didn't talk to him much about it, my grandma and aunt were still alive so I had some people to reminisce with).

I thought it might be easier to cope with this with DH around, but it's so much harder. I feel like I have to hide it from him and I can't ask him for anything or we'll have a fight.

*single not inhale

Thank you Pyongyangand MrsCobain

I feel like I have to hide it from him and I can't ask him for anything or we'll have a fight.

Oh sweetheart :(

I know its very unMNy but I really wish I could give you a hug right now.

His behaviour isnt normal and it isnt right. Why he does what he does is almost irrelevant, the fact is that you need to be able to lean on him in the way that you would let him lean on you if it was the other way around and you cant. A man who would be such a bastard as to have a fight with you because you cant not cry when talking about your recently deceased father is a cunt and you deserve better.

But as I said above, deal with that later. Get through the next few weeks and months and then think about that when you are ready.

Where are you in the UK (if you are)? There are lots of local MN groups that might help you.

Oh love, poor you. Grief hits everyone differently, but I don't think it's unreasonable for one partner to have the wit to ask another "do you need me to stay?" in this situation rather than putting the onus on the bereaved. And even if he is a bit clueless, making you feel in the wrong for being upset about it is adding a hurt to a hurt.

I don't really know what to suggest because this doesn't sound like one that there's a quick and easy answer to - it sounds like he really just doesn't get it, rather than being wilfully cruel. Do you have any friends from you old home area that you could call, maybe spend a couple of days with, or they could come to you? It sounds like you really need someone that isn't going to be terrified at the prospect of giving you a cuddle and letting you have a good cry at how horribly unfair it all is.

Oh OP reading this has stung my eyes :(
Big hugs to you.
You are not alone - we are here- talk to us as much as you want to.
Also post in Bereavement.
I am very happily married with no regrets I can truly say I absolutely adore my DH BUT and this is a huge BUT
He has absolutely NO compassion :(
My Dad was killed by falling backwards on to a tiled wall in a golf club toilet. He was drunk it was his own fault!!!
My Mum died in a hospice after they put her on a syringe driver without telling me, she died before I got there. It was better I didnt see it!!!
He went to work the morning after my miscarriage and left me to get a taxi home after my D&C- he still needs to earn for the other kids.
I have accepted this is just HIS way of dealing with grief ie not to acknowledge it.
I think your DH may be the same.
Please dont argue with him it will make you feel even more alone. Go to your GP and talk to anyone else who will listen.
He will support you in other ways but he is no good at coping with your grief, he doesnt know how to deal with it. Men dont like not being able to "deal" with things so they bury their heads.
It doesnt make it right how he has behaved but you have to accept it is how he is at dealing with his grief too.
Just hug him and he will respond, you are a team.
Stay in touch so we can support you XX

Pyongyang, Maggie and Birdlady I think you're all right. I need to find a way of grieving that doesn't involve him. It'll just be totally counterproductive for me. I was so looking forward to him coming back and it just went all wrong and it made everything worse.

Just have to make my mind up that I have to keep it separate. He doesn't like it if I try to deal with things on my own though, says he hates it if I "shut him out". I think he says that though because he thinks I expect him to. So I don't want to get into an argument about that either.

The circles my head goes round are so exhausting, do I have to pretend to grieve in front of him, but in an "acceptable" way. Like no crying, just sighs and "I miss my dad". I don't think I can pull that off yet. Maybe I should go away for a few days after the funeral.

He is scared Eye. I just don't have the wherewithal to unscare us both at the same time just now.

Bird & Eye

You might have been right about him not knowing how to deal with the grief so doesnt deal with it, if it werent for the fact that he had told the OP to never expect him to give up work for a family emergency. And this was before any loss happened.

And anyone who has no compassion has no love inside them.

I think some time away would be a very good idea.

Take care

That is what scares me Pyongyang. Sometimes I think it's just no emotional intelligence. I know he is also really focussed on work for our future financial security. But sometimes I'm worried he's just heartless and think I'm just letting myself in for a lifetime of unremitting pain.

Thank you

I dont think you should hold back your tears when they are brimming over- that is not healthy.
Actually crying is a bloody good release of endorphins so cry as much as you need too.
The weird thing is my DH could not deal with the tragedies in my life but when his horse died he cried. I have never seen him cry before or after.
I hope this weekend things may change. Ask for his help in the registering of the death and funeral arrangements. Ask his opinion on how to deal with your Dad's estate.
He may find that "dealing" with something practical and essential is preferable to the emotional support he cant give you?

Dont be scared!
He is hiding his emotions.
Men need to be all caveman, the provider, his career is supporting the family now and for the future in his eyes.
Underneath that hard exterior is your DH the man you fell in love with, married and made babies with.
He might feel emotionally barren because he has no idea what you are going through - bloody hell he will learn when its his turn! But you know what YOU will be there for him and he will understand and be sorry!
Dont hold this against him you love each other? Things were OK before?
He just isnt giving you right now what you need.
Grief is awful, death shouldnt be allowed its too painful but we all survive grief one way or another.
I lost my brother when I was 18 I thought there was no pain like it but there was, my parents.
You DH WILL know it one day too but you will be there for him.

I've been trying to convince myself of that Birdlady, but I'm not too keen on the prospect of all my family deaths being greeted with stony difficulties then when his family pass he says "Sorry" and I have to give him support for his grief and his guilt. Because that is pretty much exactly what happens about emotional things all the time with us.

We were doing pretty well for the last wee while. But this has taken back a lot of bad memories of how he was the last time something difficult happened (I got diagnosed). I had to I thought we'd got past that and now we're back there.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

First of all, so sorry for your loss OP

Second of all, wait a minute. You have to hide your grief from your DH because HE finds it too upsetting? Screw that. Ignore his feelings about it. Cry and talk and rant and rave and be a snotty mess as much as you need to. Let him deal with his weird reaction to it.

This part confuses me: I started crying and then he told me I wasn't treating him like a decent person would because I wasn't talking about it calmly

So any emotion you show gets interpreted as you being upset with him? Are you never allowed to cry or show emotion or animation about anything? Why does your crying and not being calm have anything to do with you not treating him like a decent person?

Aaugh. I am feeling stressed just typing this post, I can't imagine dealing with his histrionics at the same time as grieving for a parent.

People who have not lost a parent have no idea what it is like and he sounds like a really bad example of this.

Just have lots and lots of hugs and OP.

So any emotion you show gets interpreted as you being upset with him? Are you never allowed to cry or show emotion or animation about anything?

That's about the size of it. Anything but very exaggerated happiness is interpreted as anger. I can't be sad, I can't be scared, I can't be confused. I have to alter my body language and facial expressions a lot to avoid confrontation. I have to show a kind of blank acceptance or sort of cartoon happiness.

Every emotion I feel has to be kind of filtered out, otherwise he thinks I am angry with him. Whenever I am upset about something, he gets upset too, thinks I am treating him badly and that I have no right to be angry with him and I end up having to deal with him being upset and calming him down and it's just exhausting me. If I show any emotion at all then that's the whole evening gone and if it's at the weekend then it's the whole day. Never mind what it's like if I actually am angry with him for some reason.

I can just about keep on top of the emotional facade on a day to day basis if our lives are going smoothly but I can't do it just now. I can't deal with my emotions and with his emotions at my emotions, and with the strain of having to keep my emotions under wraps.

Don't make any decisions right now. You're in such an awful place right now.

But in a few weeks or months, when you have some calm moment, think about what you need. Not want, any idiot can provide our wants, but need. When the shit hits the fan and life gets tough. Because if the answer is that he meets none of your needs, he has to go.

I was feeling sad and angry for you. But when I read your last post... that makes me despair. You are allowed emotions.

So sorry for your loss

Thats not a marriage, thats a play, a performance.

I am so sorry that the reality of this man has come to light at a time when you are going through your loss, but sadly people often only really show their true colours at times of need.

Forget him and his "oh but you must hate MEEE!!!" bullshit. Do what you need to and stop letting him make your pain all about him, because thats what this is. He is making all of your life trauma about him as he cannot countenance anything not having him at the centre of it.

Do what you have to to get through this time and then....well then its up to you but we are with you every step x

I know he can't help it, I think he does just read most of my emotions as anger. And I love him a lot. But I am so tired pretending. I won't get through this pretending that everything is fine.

When we watched TV tonight we watched Big Bang Theory. It was about Sheldon getting a machine that helped him read other people's emotions by taking a reading turning them into an emoticon on a phone app. I kept thinking "I wish I could get one of them" because it had a range of five emotions.

And I am getting so frustrated that I am getting angry more often. Which I hate. I can't express myself and I don't like being angry. It's like I think "Oh well, this is going to be interpreted as anger anyway, so I'd be as we'll be angry" on som eleven. And that can't be healthy.

I feel sick. My face is sore from crying.