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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with my teacher

69 replies

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 00:05

I am just about to turn 30 and when I was 16 I had a relationship with my teacher.
Reading my diary it's quite clear he groomed me whilst I was his pupil. He then pursued a relationship with me when I had left the school. Technically he did nothing wrong.

I have recently discovered an online profile that is his. I have found myself torturing myself over the years trying to find out if he's still teaching, if he's done it again, if he's been in trouble at all. Then I discovered his profile.
I want to tell him how wrong he was. How him being my teacher meant that our relationship was not equal. How a voice in my head said "no" but I ignored it. How, as I turn 30 (he was 32 and I was 16), I definitely do not find 16 yos attractive!!

Can i? Can I message him and tell him? I think i know i shouldn't, but it's my last ditch attempt for closure!

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 10/03/2017 00:23

What if he calls you a liar or says that you chased him?

What do you want out of this? A nice chat where he admits that he was wrong and he groomed you and he's sorry? That's probably not going to happen, I'm afraid. Even if he thought it, putting it in writing could land him in hot water if he is still teaching.

You know what happened. Leave it in the past?

scoobydoo1971 · 10/03/2017 00:38

He knows his conduct was unprofessional and a gross breach of conduct. As you will know, there are professional and legal protection systems now in place to deter any encroachment of boundaries. I teach adults, and I would never meet them socially as I think you have to draw a line. Sting may have sung about 'Dont stand so close to me' but in all honesty, if you have no self-control then you have no place in the teaching profession.

I do not see any point in contacting him. It won't bring your closure and he may deny everything (in view of recent legislation)...counselling might help you to make peace with yourself, and your GP can organise that. It won't make him feel bad as predators feel 'entitled', and if he had been caught out recently then he would not have a teaching license anymore. If you read some of the reflections of Sting in the media about his song then it makes any parent shudder that there are people in 'charge' of your kids who are so inappropriate in their mindset.

Many of these cases make headlines in the news so you could google to find out if he has been in trouble. However, the priority is healing yourself rather than trying to achieve a change in mindset in someone who should not have ever been inside a school!

MyheartbelongstoG · 10/03/2017 01:52

Contact the police instead and let them deal with him.

0riole · 10/03/2017 02:06

Phone the police hen. He did something wrong, he abused his position of trust to groom you while you were under his care. He is a child predator.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 06:27

Unfortunately there is nothing the police can do. The law isn't retrospective and it happened before the law of grooming came into play. As a court would see it, it was a consensual relationship as I was 16 and didn't say "no".

He wouldn't call me a liar. I met his parents, he left his wife, he moved into his own place. On paper, it sounds like an almost normal relationship but obviously there was 16 years between us and he was my teacher, so not normal at all!

I've talked about it so much over the years. Counselling isn't the right thing any more.
I think I am angry that he can just live his life and carry on teaching and be with his wife as if nothing happened.

OP posts:

HappyJanuary · 10/03/2017 06:36

Well if you're confident that the police can't help, and counselling hasn't helped over the years, then do what you must to gain closure.

But give some thought to what you will do if he doesn't react the way you expect, or the way you want him to.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 06:41

Sorry that happened to you.

Suggest consulting charities who help with things like this, eg on considering reporting it to the police and perhaps also the General Teaching Council: if since the law has changed he has done anything like it again, perhaps it could then be taken into account.

I don't think approaching him would help.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 06:46

I guess the worst case in my head is that he just doesn't respond. And I think that's fine. I want to tell him what he did was wrong and he should have known better.

I remember a conversation we had about that Sting song. He said that that's how he felt about me whilst I was at school.

And yes, having been down the police route, I know that there is nothing they can do.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 07:02

That's really horrible about the song.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 07:06

Been down the teachinc council route too. I honestly don't understand how he's not on a banned teacher list! But they obviously don't think he's a threat?! Or perhaps they can't work retrospectively either.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 07:09

My point is that because you've bravely done that it will be "on the record" should there be allegations from other girls or women.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 07:15

i wish there was a way of finding out!

OP posts:

HaPPy8 · 10/03/2017 07:18

How did the relationship end?

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 07:25

He broke it off just after my 17th birthday. Said he couldn't deal with my mum and the battles she was throwing at him. We were together for a total of 7 months.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 10/03/2017 07:37

OP, the age of consent rises to 18 where a person is in a position of trust. This is criminal under the 2003 legislation and I don't have time to look to see if there is similar legislation covering the time period when you were 16 but he may well have committed criminal offences.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 07:45

Nicknacky, sadly not. There was nothing criminal in what he did. I've been down that route already and just keep coming to the same answer.

OP posts:

lavenderandrose · 10/03/2017 07:46

NCTL may well be interested. But you would need to go through the police first. Once the police take no further action, they will inform the NCTL.

CaoNiMartacus · 10/03/2017 07:46

"Technically he did nothing wrong."

He did.

Nicknacky · 10/03/2017 07:48

Sorry OP, I didn't realise you had been to the police. Don't mind me asking but is that because there was no legislation at the time covering this type of scenario?

lavenderandrose · 10/03/2017 07:50

It would appear HappyPhantom was sixteen in 2003.

I can assure you people have been barred from teaching for similar behaviour prior to this date.

rollonthesummer · 10/03/2017 07:51

Was there a big scandal about it at the time?

Nicknacky · 10/03/2017 07:54

lavender I'm getting ready to go to work so didn't think to actually work out her age whoops. And because 2003 doesn't seem like that long ago!

I don't under stand why the police there is no offence. OP was it a lack of evidence or did they say there was no offence committed?

WTAF2016 · 10/03/2017 07:55

I had a sort of similar thing in my past (in this case my counsellor(!)). It screwed me up for many years.

I did eventually report him. Turns out he has since been arrested and convicted for grooming underage girls online (I was 16 myself). In hindsight I wish I had reported him earlier.

pinkrobot · 10/03/2017 07:55

Nicknacky, it wasn't covered prior to 2003.

Nicknacky · 10/03/2017 07:57

Thanks pink!

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