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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with my teacher

69 replies

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 00:05

I am just about to turn 30 and when I was 16 I had a relationship with my teacher.
Reading my diary it's quite clear he groomed me whilst I was his pupil. He then pursued a relationship with me when I had left the school. Technically he did nothing wrong.

I have recently discovered an online profile that is his. I have found myself torturing myself over the years trying to find out if he's still teaching, if he's done it again, if he's been in trouble at all. Then I discovered his profile.
I want to tell him how wrong he was. How him being my teacher meant that our relationship was not equal. How a voice in my head said "no" but I ignored it. How, as I turn 30 (he was 32 and I was 16), I definitely do not find 16 yos attractive!!

Can i? Can I message him and tell him? I think i know i shouldn't, but it's my last ditch attempt for closure!

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 16:54

You can call 101 and talk to your local police officer. They'll either direct you to the right people or they themselves will be able to help.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 16:54

You can call 101 and talk to your local police officer. They'll either direct you to the right people or they themselves will be able to help.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 16:54

Sorry for double posting. Don't know why it keeps doing that!

OP posts:

TerrorTwilight · 10/03/2017 17:39

technically he did nothing wrong

I'd have to check but it is currently illegal to pursue a relationship with an of-age former pupil until - if memory serves - after two years has elapsed since the teacher worked in that role.

TerrorTwilight · 10/03/2017 17:40

So in other words report the fucker and get him nailed to the wall if at all possible. He certainly groomed you.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 17:47

Terror - I did. There was no law in play that protected me in 2003. The law that would have got him into a lot of trouble began in 2003 but wasn't in play until 2004 I believe.
I recently gave my statement to the police - no one had even taken a statement from me at the time. The child abuse unit were amazing, but sadly we reach the end of the road on that one.

OP posts:

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 10/03/2017 20:33

The same thing happened to me OP, same outcome for the same reason too. The police were fantastic but have to work with the laws of the time and it sucks. I'm so sorry it happened to you too. There is no resolution sadly except to work on accepting that it happened, that no matter what it was NOT your fault, he was entirely responsible and you were just a child. Easier said than done, I'm still struggling with this but a good counsellor who specialises in trauma and abuse of this kind is essential. Did the police refer you to anyone?

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 20:54

Unicorns - it's so helpful to not be alone, thank you for sharing with me :)

I was thinking about doing CBT due to my anxiety since becoming a mother and perhaps that would help with all of this? I think they offered, yes, and I turned it down as I felt that the closure was to stand in court and face him - which obviously never happened in the end.
Do you know of support groups etc?

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 10/03/2017 21:44

happy What year did you finish your relationship?

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 21:46

I was technically not his student when the relationship began. It was after my GCSEs but before I'd started my 6th form.

OP posts:

GrandDesespoir · 10/03/2017 22:46

If you think it would be helpful to write to him, and it won't upset you if he doesn't respond, then I would. It might help you to move on. I did something similar and it was quite cathartic.

maggiemaye · 11/03/2017 10:34

I'm not sure why this is bothering you so much now? It's in your past, you were young, impressionable, he was in a position of trust and took advantage, albeit not on the eyes of the law and you consented.
Why are you so bothered about this now? Are you still in love with him?
I had a relationship with an older man between the age of 14-19. He was 7 years older than me. We were in a sexual relationship all that time. I do wonder how he found me attractive when there were other girls more his age, but I also know that we had a fairly good relationship despite it being illegal in the beginning. Can you not just accept that no it wasn't quite right, but the relationship lasted a few months atleast and you met each others parents so wasn't particularly sinister? I do not condone the relationship one bit, to be clear, but just finding away for you to make peace with the situation.
I struggled afterwards too and hated him for "taking advantage" of me. But I'm completely at peace with it now; we are both in our thirties, both married, I have children, he doesn't and overall, the relationship was pleasant. I learned from it.

Bansteadmum · 11/03/2017 10:41

Maggiemay, you were abused: it was not a "good relationship".

OP has ongoing upset over her teacher grooming her and abusing his position of trust and authority.

maggiemaye · 11/03/2017 10:46

I was most certainly not abused.

It was a very loving relationship.
Wrong in the eyes of the law based on age, but emotionally, mentally, it was ok. It really isn't as black and white as people often believe. I have a friend who had a similar relationship at 15, they are still married now.
OPs case is different as he was a teacher, but also, she was over the age of consent. It's very difficult but I do not think it's as black and white as people believe.
I have a Law degree for the record.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 11/03/2017 10:53

Was in a very similar position- groomed from 13 by 27 yo teacher. Sexual relationship from the time we were 16/30 until 21/35. I'm now almost 32. I've gone through stages of extreme anger towards him.... he was a sexually, physically and emotionally abusive narc and he's still teaching. Probably still fucking kids. Mine happened before the law changed in 2003 and I was over the age of consent. When I reported it police didn't care.

What's helped me is therapy and allowing myself to be angry but never actually contacting him. I know it wouldn't do any good. He had every excuse you can imagine for his shitty behaviour (bad childhood, bad marriage, abused himself) and I know I will be three thousand years old before I would ever get any acknowledgement that he was wrong from him.

See your GP in the first instance, explain what happened to you and ask for talking therapy.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 11/03/2017 11:03

Oh and OP- he's a fucker and even if he didn't technically do anything wrong you were abused. You're not wrong to be angry and sad and messed up about it.

Bansteadmum · 11/03/2017 11:08

A 20yo having sex with a 14yo is child abuse.

Original poster

HappyPhantom · 11/03/2017 13:53

FellOutofBed. Wow, I'm so sorry it happened to you too. You can still tell the police. You can still have what he did on a permanent record. At least it puts him on their radar if nothing else.

Maggiemay - i'm not going to comment on the relationship you describe as you're not going to change your mind. However, I stood up and faought for the relationship with the teacher for years after it ended (whilst battling my own demons!). I said it was love and it was amazing and wonderful and my heart was broken. Right up until I found out he kept photos of me in his desk when I was a student. Photos of me in the school - I wasn't told if they were photos he had taken or he had just pulled off of the walls (you know, from displays). I also changed my mind when I read my diary. Innocent, 13/14 year old me writes about things he would say to me on MSN messenger - c'mon he shouldn't be messaging a pupil! Reading over my diary it's clear to me now, as an adult, that he is heavily flirting. But 13/14yo me didn't see that and certainly didn't think a TEACHER would be flirting with me, even if in the back of my mind I might have thought he was flirting.

So yes, it still "bothers" me. It still creeps up on me and I still feel like I have to keep it queit - I am still ashamed. And why should I have to feel like this when i was the victim? It was him who should have known better. As I approach the age he was when he started a relationship with me, I am at a loss as to WHY he would pursue me. Why would he go after a 16yo, awkward teenager with braces? It bothers me because I am worried for my son - but glad there are more laws in place now. It bothers me because it will be with me forever and I am stuck with this.

I'm hoping one day it won't fee like this anymore.

OP posts:

FellOutOfBed2wice · 11/03/2017 17:03

Happy thanks- I know I could still report him but I've reached a point where I think bollocks to it, no point. He was sacked after I complained to the LEA but he swiftly got back together with his (frankly insane) wife and she was a deputy head at another school and got him a job there. Basically I feel like I can't fight City Hall on this one- she's now fascilitating him and I won't ever win. I need to think of my own sanity.

It is probably bothering you now because you're almost the age he was. That upset me too as I reached 27.

Mine also had photos of me, was a creepy MSNer and outrageous flirt too. I'm wondering if they were mates Knobheads. I was so innocent, looking back it beggars belief. He lent me a copy of American Psycho when I was 14 with post it's in the hardcore sex bits. I just thought "oh how weird, I wonder if he knows he left his post its in here". Bloody hell!

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