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Original poster

Relationship with my teacher

69 replies

HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 00:05

I am just about to turn 30 and when I was 16 I had a relationship with my teacher.
Reading my diary it's quite clear he groomed me whilst I was his pupil. He then pursued a relationship with me when I had left the school. Technically he did nothing wrong.

I have recently discovered an online profile that is his. I have found myself torturing myself over the years trying to find out if he's still teaching, if he's done it again, if he's been in trouble at all. Then I discovered his profile.
I want to tell him how wrong he was. How him being my teacher meant that our relationship was not equal. How a voice in my head said "no" but I ignored it. How, as I turn 30 (he was 32 and I was 16), I definitely do not find 16 yos attractive!!

Can i? Can I message him and tell him? I think i know i shouldn't, but it's my last ditch attempt for closure!

OP posts:
Searchforme · 10/03/2017 07:57

Have you posted about this before? I remember reading a very similar thread last year or year before.
Really sorry you are struggling and hope you find a way which gives you peace.

Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:05

The police say it won't stand in court. The jury has to ignore the grooming law which wasn't in play when I was a student. They also will look at the relationship and because he proposed to me and left his wife, they will see it as a relationship and because I never said "no", he didn't do anything wrong.
Immoral, yes, but not criminal. Had it happened a year later, he would be locked up.
NCTL have said they don't feel it was wrong either. I even sent copies of my diary which had dates and accounts of the times he was inappropriate whilst I was a pupil, but even with that, they don't feel it's something to worry about - I'm not entirely sure why.

OP posts:
WateryTart · 10/03/2017 08:19

I think you need to let this go. You have done all you can to get him "punished" but now it's time to move on.

What he did wasn't that uncommon, sadly. My friend married her teacher in similar circumstances.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 08:20

You have done all you could to report him, which is good because it's all "on the record" should he ever do anything like it again and it's reported.

Sadly there won't be "justice": there are organisations that support people who have been through things like this.

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 08:21

Think through the possible outcomes, and how you would feel about them, then decide what to do. He may ignore it, may respond in some way which is inappropriate- reminiscing fondly, or being abusive, he may try and cause trouble for you.

Do you want to cause trouble for him?

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 08:22

Is he still working?

Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:31

I don't know if he's still working. No way of finding that out.

I wish it was as simple as "just let it go". This is something I've been ashamed of for years and now I finally feel like I have a voice for it but with nowhere to go. I don't "want to cause trouble" for him - i'd love to confront him and talk to him and tell him exactly how much damage he caused me.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:32

Loopy - what organisations are there? I've not come across any myself.

OP posts:
llangennith · 10/03/2017 08:37

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llangennith · 10/03/2017 08:39

And you didn't 'discover' his profile, you went looking for it. Back off.

Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:41

You're not me, llangennith. You didn't go through what I went through.

I have a very lovely life now, but this hangs over me. In no way am I resentful he finished with me. I was a child, he was an adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:45

I searched his name. I came across his profile. It's not that hard to search people's names online these days 🤔

OP posts:
AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 10/03/2017 08:47

NCTL will have made that decision because there is only your diary as evidence. They have to weigh up whether the cost of pursuing the case based on just the diary is justifiable and if they are likely to be able to prove at a panel hearing that he was guilty of grooming. They can work retrospectively (and have recently taken some cases from the 80s to panel) but with only your evidence it is a little thin. If you had letters or photos together that would have made a difference, or if he had admitted it to them. It's not that the offence isn't serious enough. It's an evidential issue.

Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:49

Thanks AndNone. They didn't tell me that so that's helpful.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 08:51

Llangennith that is an awful thing to say!!

Please phantom, my comment about causing him trouble wasn't intended as a criticism- more I was wondering whether you wanted to go public on FB and name and shame him. I am not saying you should, but I was filled with rage at what he did to you, something that would soon after become a crime LLangenith.

I'm sorry this happened to you, it nearly happened to me, I'm glad you are mainly ok now, but completely understand why this feels unresolved. It's like he has waltzed off and got on with his life, leaving wreckage behind him.

picklemepopcorn · 10/03/2017 08:52

There would be evidence from his parents and your parents though, as it was not secret. You mention he ended it because of your Mum, and that you met his parents.

Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:53

Thanks Pickle. I'm glad it didn't happen to you. But it's nice to not be alone in this kind of thing!
No, I definitely wouldn't name and shame. I just have to be the "bigger person" and just hold my head up high and carry on. But jeez, that sucks.
And you're totally right - he has waltzed off and got on with his life and here I am still picking up the pieces.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:55

I guess like AndNone said, it needs to be photographic and whatnot. Other teachers found out about us too, so no, it wasn't a secret. If it happened a year later this would have been a different story!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 08:56

I guess like AndNone said, it needs to be photographic and whatnot. Other teachers found out about us too, so no, it wasn't a secret. If it happened a year later this would have been a different story!

OP posts:
user1481490957 · 10/03/2017 09:05

I was in a similar situation, i was 16 he was 30 however i was in his tutor group whilst the relationship was happening and this relationship lasted over 2 years. It was kept secret for 2 years and only came out after we broke up when i was 18 (i told a friend who reported it) i spent a lot of my time trying to defend him for goodness knows what reasons and i do still admit that i was also responsible for the relationship as at 16 i knew to a certain degree what i was doing. He lost his teaching licence for 5 years ( he will have to reapply and highly unlikely itll be granted) and i chose not to take it any further. Even more so now that im becoming a mother myself i cannot grasp what a 30 year old professional man would want in a 16 year old girl, it baffles me. He was quite controlling and abusive, maybe he thought a younger girl would be easier to manipulate to what he wanted. Counselling never helped and ive had to learn to just accept it and forgive him which has allowed me to move on rather than battle my own mind. Speaking to him all these years on wont bring you closure, if you found out he had done it to more girls and was still teaching youd only beat yourself up with guilt for not doing anything. You dont need to put yourself through this lovely, you sound like youve suffered enough already over the years Flowers

Original poster
HappyPhantom · 10/03/2017 09:13

Thank you for sharing, user Flowers i'm sorry he was abusive towards you.
I am a mother now too and am also totally baffled by his desire for a 16 year old. I also feel for my mum. She must have been besides herself :(

OP posts:
skerrywind · 10/03/2017 09:41

OP I sympathise.

My teacher started having sex with my good friend when she was 15. He was 42. It was years ago however, and everyone turned a blind eye.

Scaredycat3000 · 10/03/2017 10:35

My old school teacher has just been banned from teaching for recent grooming. The teachers disciplinary panel report states that this was a one off. Except he's been using the same MO for over 25 years. And it turns out senior staff were aware 25 years ago. So why didn't they stop it properly? I want to report, but no idea who too and to say what, this was the girl he tried to groom in 1992. Hardly evidence.

Loopytiles · 10/03/2017 12:40

Still worth reporting, scaredy. It could potentially help other victims.

Scaredycat3000 · 10/03/2017 16:33

I'd love too, but to whom? And we don't think he was successful that year, not through lack of trying, and don't know of other potential victims. I was very on the edge of things. But he clearly has a method.