Today's the day I admit I'm in a destructive abusive relationship

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

I feel like one of those people you see in films that go to AA, stand up and introduce themselves as an addict for the first time.
The realisation has dawned on me....I'm being destroyed emotionally and mentally by someone who tells me they love me.
I've finally realised that I'm not crazy, I'm not mental, I don't need help. I've actually had enough of being woken up to him moaning about the latest thing I've done wrong. I absolutely 100% know that I'm fed up of trying to explain myself only to have everything I know to be true to be twisted and turned until I feel like I want to scream.
I'm sick of feeling sick while I try to not react because when I do he says 'see I told you that you're irrational and sick'.
I'm tired of feeling tired of this cycle of 'i love you,you're beautiful ' to 'youre a sick cunt with no class'.
I'm fed up of listening to him spew his vile abuseive derogatory words at me, about me, my family, my son.
I cannot live in a home where I always say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, respond incorrectly. One where I listen to his angry POV then be told to go away, shut up or fuck off when it's my turn to talk.
I will not be told that his verbally aggressive manner is my fault because I've pissed him off, that if I was to be happy, smile more, be more reasonable that we would get on so much better.
God it's like a lightning hitting me....I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE CALLED STUPID, FUCKED UP, A SCUMBAG, A BITCH, A SLUT,A C@@T, CRAZY, INCAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER MYSELF.
I'm home packing his stuff, nicely and neatly (because my mum brought me up with manners) ready for when he gets home. I was pushed this morning and my much loved pet was shuved down the stairs (it's OK.... this time).
I'm supposed to be at work but I'm sitting here full of emotions. Anger that I've allowed myself (a sane, strong, independent woman, who has raised a son by myself while studying and eventually working full time) to become a victim. I have a home, a family, friends, a career and yet I'm sitting at my table crying because I'm losing the man I thought he was, the one that's nice,loving caring but at the same time hurts me so much.

Op

I'm pleased you have researched that it is normal to want to be walking on eggshells again. Sadly that shows how much he has damaged you.

You know deep down that he's a damaged dysfunctional individual and if you take him back he will continue to project that on to you.

Eventually you will be nothing but a shell inside.

Accept that he will never exist in his entirety with only his nice qualities - he will always display his dysfunction.........

that dysfunction manifests as hatred and cruelty towards you, your son and your poor pooch.

Just don't go there.

Contact with him is pointless. Amuse yourself some other way - Browse dating sites, see friends

Money - take out a small overdraft to see you through - it's worth it - this prick will know you'll be hard up - may even offer to give you money - don't fall for it

He knows I'll be hard up, that was one of the things he used against me, he earns a lot more than me but I still paid for exactly half of everything, I had a lodger when I met him but he didn't like that. He would always say he was moving out tomorrow if we argued knowing it would leave me in shit, even though he had no intention of going. He would be abusive then say unless I could pay him back his half of the bills he wasnt going. I made a point of saving that this month so I was ready for it this time, and yesterday his half was waiting for him, along with all of his stuff, when he got home from work, I'm so glad I trusted my gut and did that this month. He took it knowing it would leave me with nothing for over a week but then tells me he has saved some money and wants to take me on holiday, these are the actions of someone who loves me, fucking joke. Can you tell the anger is kicking in now. I don't care if I'm penniless forever I'll still be happier and kinder than he will ever be. I would've done anything for him and his son, it's his loss not mine. I've done a budget and I think I can manage, for a couple of months then I'll get another lodger but right now I need my home back, a bit of time to repair myself. I'm a survivor, I always have been, he knows that and tbh I think it absolutely kills him that I don't and never did need him or rescuing, he likes being the hero.

good for you OP

Hey, well done. That anger is exactly what you need.

You can do this and stay stron

I wish my mum could feel and do the same. She's in an emotionally abusive relationship with my own dad. He makes her life a misery but can't take the step

Op

What you could think about doing is advertising for a flat share soon but saying room not available until May and then that way you can plan things a bit better.

Take you on holiday? See he's trying hard to reel you back in. He wasn't asking to take you on holiday when he was waking you up during the night screaming abuse in your face trying to scare and intimidate you!!

Don't go back to that abusive cycle. You deserve respect and love. You will find it but not with this man.

He can't change, his personality is dysfunctional because he has been exposed to or experienced abuse himself as a child.

I do try to warn mothers who come on here that they are helping to create men like your ex by staying with their abusive husbands/partners. And the cycle just repeats itself.

With him op you would be on the road to hell.

I know you're all right I'm feeling strong right now, within the hour I'll be sobbing, oh well such is life. Nothing is permanent, everything is temporary, including hurt and pain. That has become my new mantra.
He's here now collecting some bits, still not respecting what I asked by getting it done before I'm home. Its all very polite, I will remain that way, I've learned abit more about his situation though, apparently he's staying at a friends and it's not suitable. It's not my problem and just proves my point that he only uses me for what he needs, he doesn't give a shit which is why he finds it so easy to treat me the way he does, God I hope this version of me lasts.

He's gone, he brought the subject up of us, telling me he's sorry, saying he needs help, he doesn't know why he does it, basically the shit I've heard before. I remained calm, I told him directly, I never realised until then how little I talk to him while looking him in the eyes. It was a new experience, I shut it down by explaining that I will not be spoken to or treated that way anymore,. That I and our sons deserved better. That it was not acceptable nor will I tolerate it anymore. I agreed that he needs help, but for him and his son and the next person he meets but not for me/us that it's too little too late for that. I told him that I can't and won't live like this anymore and that while I cate for him and miss him I'm not interested in anything relating to him anymore. I basically said I will not live with or love or share my life with someone who I can only trust to turn on me rather than love and protect me. He left, quietly. Now I'm going round my friends to celebrate the fact that I've finally grown a pair by drinking wine, eating chocolate amd shagging off men lol. Posting this treadnew was the best thing I did.

Slagging off men, I definitely won't be shagging any man for a long long time lol.

Well done again.
Enjoy your wine and choc evening.
Remember the best way to get over a man is to get under a new one!
Although I'm with you.
No more men for me for a while!

What a fantastic achievement op. Well done.

Congratulations!

Well done! Stay strong and whenever you catch yourself wavering, or missing the 'nice' him, remember him shouting in your face at 4am and kicking your dog downstairs and every other bad thing he's done to you. You deserve better.

OP - you are AWESOME! Well done for everything. You are an inspiration. I feel so emotional reading these posts but you're amazing.

More thank yours, my mood nose dived last night so I didn't think it was wise to go out and get drunk lol. I busied myself cuddling the dog, drinking green tea and watching programmes I knew he'd hate, ones I used to save up for when he was at work. I had an early night and now I'm at work. He's text today, he left something he need to go out tonight and about how much money he's got, another attempt to make me stress. I've told him to come collect anything he may need because I'm fed up of him coming round. I also pointed out that whole I may be skint, because of him being am arse, him telling me how well he's doing is actually helping me continue to realise the extent of his twatishness (not sure that's a word) he's now asking me to be his friend and saying he doesn't know how it went wrong, time for nc I think. I'm popping in to see my mum after work then as I absolutely refuse to sit indoors crying thinking about him while he's out looking for next victim I'm going round my mates. I'll be getting pissed and leaving my phone indoors. Lots of productive things planned for tomorrow so I just have to keep putting one step in front of the other. Keep remembering what a complete arse he is and keep telling myself I'm better off without him.

Good for you. Keep strong.

Enjoy your night, you deserve it.

Definitely a good idea to go no contact imo no contact =no mind games.

Also worth bearing in mind, NC allows real healing. This new version takes a while to consolidate, both in the short term and long term. If you go back it can be like a scab that keeps getting torn off. Make sure you protect yourself. Amazing thread, 0-60 in 2 seconds, good for you, stay on the motorway.

You're amazing strong woman. Don't let him keep returning for stuff he's left behind (on purpose) This is it. He's gone. Does he have keys? Sorry, late in from work and forget. Make sure he relinquishes those keys or change locks asap. I believe you can do it yourself if you you tube it. Don't give him any more words of wisdom either. I am in awe of you. Beware that he already over-rode your boundaries. You need to etch them in flame, dear heart. Envisage your doorstep catches fire should he step towards it. The results might surprise you.

I should add make sure those flames are for him only, not your home!

Well after a weekend where I cried alot, slept alot, went out for a six mile walk, spent some time with family and yesterday evening with a friend, she's one of those friends who brutally tells you how it is then gives you a high, which was just what I needed.
I boxed lots more of his stuff up and while I'm still receiving texts, I havent seen hin since Friday. The missing him (the nice him and the good parts of our relationship) is getting so strong. The moments where it hits me, it's over and I'm hurt and damaged, take my breath away but I'm concentrating on breathing, I take deep breaths and they pass soon enough. I'm going to spend this week working and moving the rest of the stiff into the spare room, to make it feel like mine. I'm also going to try and take some time off nest week so I can do some sorting of practical things and bang out the decorating.

Excuse the typos lol

I would block his number. The texts are not helping you. Definitely make your house feel like YOUR home.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly and you have a great friend (I love brutally honest people)

You will have down days.
We all do.
You are allowed to cry and rant.
Give yourself time.
You'll get there.
It's hard but you do need to try to block him.
Maybe try doing it tomorrow.
Once step at a time!
Keep going - you are awesome!

Can you take the rest of his stuff somewhere (his friends/parents?) and just get it out of your house once and for all? I would.