Today's the day I admit I'm in a destructive abusive relationship

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

I feel like one of those people you see in films that go to AA, stand up and introduce themselves as an addict for the first time.
The realisation has dawned on me....I'm being destroyed emotionally and mentally by someone who tells me they love me.
I've finally realised that I'm not crazy, I'm not mental, I don't need help. I've actually had enough of being woken up to him moaning about the latest thing I've done wrong. I absolutely 100% know that I'm fed up of trying to explain myself only to have everything I know to be true to be twisted and turned until I feel like I want to scream.
I'm sick of feeling sick while I try to not react because when I do he says 'see I told you that you're irrational and sick'.
I'm tired of feeling tired of this cycle of 'i love you,you're beautiful ' to 'youre a sick cunt with no class'.
I'm fed up of listening to him spew his vile abuseive derogatory words at me, about me, my family, my son.
I cannot live in a home where I always say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, respond incorrectly. One where I listen to his angry POV then be told to go away, shut up or fuck off when it's my turn to talk.
I will not be told that his verbally aggressive manner is my fault because I've pissed him off, that if I was to be happy, smile more, be more reasonable that we would get on so much better.
God it's like a lightning hitting me....I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE CALLED STUPID, FUCKED UP, A SCUMBAG, A BITCH, A SLUT,A C@@T, CRAZY, INCAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER MYSELF.
I'm home packing his stuff, nicely and neatly (because my mum brought me up with manners) ready for when he gets home. I was pushed this morning and my much loved pet was shuved down the stairs (it's OK.... this time).
I'm supposed to be at work but I'm sitting here full of emotions. Anger that I've allowed myself (a sane, strong, independent woman, who has raised a son by myself while studying and eventually working full time) to become a victim. I have a home, a family, friends, a career and yet I'm sitting at my table crying because I'm losing the man I thought he was, the one that's nice,loving caring but at the same time hurts me so much.

Well done! I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and I know how hard it is to make the decision to call it a day and leave! You're doing the hardest part. It can only get better now xx

Brilliant! Well done. Don't let him back into your life, he's gone! Take time to recover and look after yourself

Amazing! Well done!

Wow! Well done OP

You are fabulous and he s a pick. Well done

You're amazing, well done!

Another one coming onto say well done!!! Take care of yourself and give yourself time to get through this

Well done. Can I make one small suggestion? Have a look at the locks on your door. Look at the make, serial codes etc. Note them down and then tomorrow, go to your nearest Homebase, B and Q or such like. And buy a new lock. You probably won't need a whole new lock, maybe just the barrel and key and the sales staff will be able to recommend what you need.

You know him better than anyone else and I am not trying to undermine any of your decisions about your safety. But all of us will rest a bit easier if we know that he can't use his key to get in.

While you're there, why not pick up a few colour charts for paint? Nothing like a fresh lick of paint in a bedroom to give it a good change.

Yay!!!

You're a

I'm so chuckling here. I was scared about your safety, even with the wall of rage evident in your posts. Now I'm more scared OF YOU! Seriously, you know yourself and your strength most impressively. Well bloody done!

I've eaten a bit and slept a bit and now I'm crying again. The thought of going to bed alone, of not having him here is hurting but I know this is to be expected. Im doubting everything again, I'm slipping into the perhaps it was me mindset, but again I know this is par of the course. I'm hurting but it will pass, I know have to just ensure that the way he made me feel in the forefront of my mind. I have to remember the anger and hatred that showed on his face when he was on one. I have to imagine how my life will be once the shock of the last two days and the confusion in head lifts, how happy and calm I will be. I haven't heard from him since he left, this a new one, but it's helping me to reflect, my head already feels more peaceful without him bombarding me with hatred/love/hatred/love. I'm going to bed soon, I'm dreading it but I'm taking the dog with me, cuddles with my mutt, I think we both deserve it. All of these posts have helped me so much, it's funny because he used to take the piss out of me for visiting mumsnet, he said anyone that posts their problems online are clearly sad and lonely, little does he know that it's the strength your posts have given me that has got me through today.

for you and [biscuits for beloved dog]

You are amazing.

That indifference you are doing, keep it up. That's so powerful and completely intimidating for him.

I hope you and dog got some restful sleep xx

Ha ha my dog would thank you for the biscuits, he loved sleeping in my bed and wouldn't get up this morning so I tempted him downstairs with a bone and a cup of t, he' such a lovely dog. Well I managed to get some sleep and am now heading for the office.
I've decided to start my decorating tomorrow so that will keep me busy over the weekend, I've responded to one of his many texts this morning but in a very matter of fact tone. I'd be lying if I said he isn't pulling St my heart strings but I have to keep reminding myself that I've heard it all before. I just keep reading the nice things he's saying and counteracting it in my brain with forcing myself to how it feels when he acts like a monster, making myself remember all of those things in my op and what they do to me. Already my home feels more calm and so quiet and strangely this is disturbing, it's as though I'm craving the 'walking on eggshells ' but I've done alot of reading up yesterday on how the end of this type of relationship effects you so somewhere in the back of my mind I'm reassuring myself that this is all to be expected. Hope you all have a good day and fingers crossed I make it to lunchtime without crying, that is my goal for today.

I would just make sure that you change your locks OP asap, that way you know he has no way of getting in and taking you by surprise. Well done, you are worth so much more than that pitiful excuse of a man. You should be very proud of yourself .

You and Dog are an amazing team! Please remember that conflict generates an adrenalin rush which some (in athletics or extreme sports) claim is addictive in and of itself. It's why some people are said to be risk-takers. Others get a rush via watching others take the risk. It's a "thing" and studies have been done on it. It's potentially linked to gambling too. That might be why a part of your mind almost craves the spin and madness of that nice/nasty cycle. We don't, by and large, live a life where we have to dodge predators and mainline danger but we have a hardwired natural need for an explosion of energy and the subsequent come-down.

Just something to consider when you're decorating. Do THAT with vigour rather than engaging with your ex. Remember how he attacked Dog and be his protector, as he is yours.

Would you consider going no contact with this man now? Separate how accustomed you've become to adrenaline from "that man" and realise you aren't addicted to him at all.

It might take awhile to re-balance and begin to enjoy the new peace and calm around you. Oh, and don't for a second believe a nice word he says. Take up bloody abseiling or wall climbing for a rush instead!

I'm not saying you're full-on addicted to adrenaline rushes btw - just trying to explain how habituated we become and, to some/variable degree, need a rush of stuff ... *bleh ... I need more coffee!

Well done OP.
You should be proud of yourself and you are doing everything right.
If ever in doubt re-read this thread and your posts.
Try your hardest not read his manipulative grovelling messages.
He's a cunt - and he won't ever change.
Keep going and keep strong.
Now get some support around you.

You also might benefit from doing the Womens Aid Freedom Programme. Another thing to keep you busy?

I can't go nc with him at the moment there are still things to arrange, he's collecting his sons things today, I don't intend on being there, I think I'll meet my son for coffee after work. I can't afford to get the locks changed as yet, I paid him back his share of the bills so that he would leave, which has left me short but I'll manage. Basically this split has buggered me financially so that's something else I'm trying not to worry about, I think I'll cope for a couple of months but then I'll need to get a lodger bit right now everything seems so overwhelming, I'll cope, I've been through worst, but his nice texts are just making me angrier, I'm thinking how can you feed me bullshit and expect me to believe it. Why would I trust his promises when 24hours ago he was calling me a sick nasty c##t.

Well done OP. Your emotions will probably change every hour, or every day. I left 4 weeks ago and yesterday was feeling very guilty as its his birthday today. I was really sad and felt like perhaps I could have tried harder (he was emotionally and verbally abusive, so I know really it isn't my fault at all, but it doesn't stop the feelings you have). Yesterday he came to watch the boys play football (he didn't tell me) and on two occasions he got angry with me and we were just having a normal conversation, and I left reassured again I did the right thing. He drove off in a huff, then text me something nice later on. Its all mind games.

You are going to be up and down, you will miss things, you will feel sad. Stay strong and take car of yourself.

I'm fully expecting his approach to change today as I've told him to collect his sons things before I'm home, he isn't getting the responses or reactions he has always got from me before so I'm expecting him to throw a major tantrum and turn on me again at some point shortly like your ex he swings between nice/nasty depending on whether he's getting his own way. We know them so well.. My son is popping in to see me later so I'm looking forward to that then it will be an early night for me, one day at a time, but Im on my lunch and have not yet cried so that's one thing achieved.

It's so confusing loving and missing him so much but hating him for what he has done to me and my life, combining that with trying to be civil to him but not get involved in his mind games is a whole new kind of hell but we'll get there, we have to.

It's so confusing loving and missing him so much but hating him for what he has done to me and my life, combining that with trying to be civil to him but not get involved in his mind games is a whole new kind of hell but we'll get there, we have to.

You're doing really well op. Keep strong and don't let him back in. You've done the hard part. Keep it up.

What a hugely inspirational thread this is! You should be SO SO PROUD of yourself.

Stay strong - amazing woman!