Today's the day I admit I'm in a destructive abusive relationship

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

I feel like one of those people you see in films that go to AA, stand up and introduce themselves as an addict for the first time.
The realisation has dawned on me....I'm being destroyed emotionally and mentally by someone who tells me they love me.
I've finally realised that I'm not crazy, I'm not mental, I don't need help. I've actually had enough of being woken up to him moaning about the latest thing I've done wrong. I absolutely 100% know that I'm fed up of trying to explain myself only to have everything I know to be true to be twisted and turned until I feel like I want to scream.
I'm sick of feeling sick while I try to not react because when I do he says 'see I told you that you're irrational and sick'.
I'm tired of feeling tired of this cycle of 'i love you,you're beautiful ' to 'youre a sick cunt with no class'.
I'm fed up of listening to him spew his vile abuseive derogatory words at me, about me, my family, my son.
I cannot live in a home where I always say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, respond incorrectly. One where I listen to his angry POV then be told to go away, shut up or fuck off when it's my turn to talk.
I will not be told that his verbally aggressive manner is my fault because I've pissed him off, that if I was to be happy, smile more, be more reasonable that we would get on so much better.
God it's like a lightning hitting me....I DO NOT DESERVE TO BE CALLED STUPID, FUCKED UP, A SCUMBAG, A BITCH, A SLUT,A C@@T, CRAZY, INCAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER MYSELF.
I'm home packing his stuff, nicely and neatly (because my mum brought me up with manners) ready for when he gets home. I was pushed this morning and my much loved pet was shuved down the stairs (it's OK.... this time).
I'm supposed to be at work but I'm sitting here full of emotions. Anger that I've allowed myself (a sane, strong, independent woman, who has raised a son by myself while studying and eventually working full time) to become a victim. I have a home, a family, friends, a career and yet I'm sitting at my table crying because I'm losing the man I thought he was, the one that's nice,loving caring but at the same time hurts me so much.

[pudding21]

Good luck and well done. Be prepared to put yourself through the ringer with various emotions over the next few weeks. Stay strong. I left nearly 4 weeks ago and I felt elated at first, but recently I have been trying to deal with guilt, anger that he wasn't the man I thought he was when we were younger, angry that he chose to destroy me instead of dealing with issues like a grown up and burying his head in the sand. And still raging he sees it as my fault, cos I left.

In portuguese we say força: which means strength!

[MumBod]

You're a phenomenal woman.

He's an abusive, inadequate excuse for a human.

You can do this. I wish I could see the look on his toady face.

[EliCon]

Here is to hoping that you break free and that it all goes well!

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

My son is safe, he doesn't live here, he's an adult I was a very young mum. He doesn't say these things to him he says them about him, he doesn't act like this in front of anyone, except one time in front of his friend and his son, he was drunk.
He's the man who rescues everyone,the man everyone loves. But they love the man they see, I loved all of him.
Apparently according to his texts today I'm overreacting (again) and he will do anything for me because he loves me. I'm not responding, I have no intention of replying. I know the texts will turn nasty again soon enough. Maybe tonight when he's wherever he will go, once his drunk, maybe tomorrow when his had a day to tell all of his friends his version of events and they all agree I'm mental.
Last time he text my son and told him I'd flipped, that I was crazy, as well as other personal details about my life.
My son has suffered from PTSD for the last 18 months (he's getting back on his feet now and starting to think about going back to work) that's why he called him a retard, but apparently he loves me and my boy and everything he does is for us.
He didn't kick my dog, he pushed him I think, I didn't see it, I think he may have thrown him down the last four stairs but he's safe (not that it makes it any better)
I can't tell my friends family he yells me to go running to my mummy and I'm too embarrassed. I'm confident I'm safe,I'm not scared of him, but I don't want to throw his things out, his sons things are here, I have too much respect for a little boy to do that and I don't want my neighbours to see it all, he will laugh at me for that and tell me again how rough and common I am..
It's my home but obviously he has stuff here, furniture etc and he has a key thar I want back so I'll be civil while he's here bur ignore any negative behaviour, then I'll cry when he's gone.
My heart is breaking but I know I deserve better than this, I don't deserve this.
Thank you all, each and every one of you, you made me cry but I feel stronger from reading you replies.

[FinallyHere]

All the very best to you and a well down for realising what has happened to you and doing something to sort it out.

I would tend to encourage you to have someone around when he comes back, and the police aware too, just in case. Better safe than sorry, all the very best.

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

I just feel so ashamed, how can I phone the police to tell them my bf calls me names. I can't ask my son to be here, it's not fair on him, and all my friends have husbands/children /busy lives. I don't want my family here, I'll tell them when it's all over. I'm confident he'll go quietly, well without violence anyway. He's more of a mental abuser than anything else.
Unril a couple of weeks ago when he woke me up and screamed in my face to fuck off at four am (Apparently I called him a name while I was asleep) I may or may not have done this, I dream alot recently. I've never felt threatened by him, intimidated but not threatened.
He's pushed me this morning and pushed my face away from his last night (he came right in my face and swore at me) but that's as bad as he's ever been but I know him, he won't be angry today, it's too early in the cycle that is his behaviour pattern for that. He'll be more swinging between 'i love you more than anyone before' to 'youre a scumbag, I can do so much better' for a couple of days. He'll be more interested in screaming out my faults and weaknesses than anything else today.

[PickAChew]

Of course you can call the police. He's verbally abuses you and physically assaulted you and attacked your dog. None of that is trivial.

[Mathena]

You do deserve more than this. You can do it. Join us on the other side, with the survivors who put it behind them. For a while, I stayed, thinking that I wasn't the ''type'' who could leave. But the only thing that stopped me from being one of those stronger types who valued themselves and leaving was putting one foot in front of the other and walking away.

[Mathena]

Do call the police. If you're embarrassed tell the police in a factual time line kind of way. You need him to know that the worm has turned. He will react as though you are being vindictive to him but he will also learn that he has to stop bullying you because you will no longer collude with it.

[UncleHerbie]

Here's another person rooting for you. You can do this

PS: Change the locks ASAP

[user1483387154]

Can you get the locks changed now? Then his key wont work and you will not have the fear of him letting himself in.

[JellyBean31]

Your friends and family will want to know.
Your friends and family will want to help.
Your friends and family will want to know you are safe.

Please please please, tell someone (even if it's only 1 person) in real life - you will be surprised how much time they have for you. You will be surprised how many have already seen through his act. You will be surprised how much support is out there, and believe me, you will need it.

You are so brave, so strong and so lucky to have realised this now. I really am rooting for you OP

[MsGameandWatch]

Don't be alone. I guarantee this man will not go quietly, he will hurt you and your dog too, maybe very badly this time. My ex attacked me, choked me and slammed doors onto me all in front of my small child. He smashed windows and I had to get out or I believe he would have killed me. I had my phone and the police were there in minutes so I could get back inside to my children. This man is not going to be reasonable.

[hellsbellsmelons]

What the hell have you got to be ashamed of?
HE is the one who should be ashamed.
Do NOT let your own pride get in the way of allowing yourself some love and support right now!
Do NOT let him 'win' on that level as well.
Tell as many people as you can.
Get your story out there and be a good lesson for everyone who knows you. Show them all how strong you are.
You might not think it fair on your DSon but he may well want to be there for you to help you through this and protect you.
He's starting to get physical now so you protect yourself.
This is NOT, I repeat, NOT YOUR SHAME.
It's all his.
If I had a friend going through this and she didn't tell me because SHE felt ashamed. I would feel like I'd failed as her friend!
Honestly! Take it from someone who literally had to go and rescue my own sister!

[thethoughtfox]

Don't do this alone.

[thethoughtfox]

It doesn't matter how busy people's lives are, they will make time for you. Consider even having someone in another room, someone he would not want to show his real self in front of.

[Adora10]

God nothing to do with you that he's fucked up in the head OP, he's verbally and physically abusive; do not discount the Police, especially as he will turn angry when he realises he's losing the control.

You are an inspiration; it can be done; nobody has to suffer at the hands of a psycho who enjoys putting others down to make themselves feel better; he's one of life's scum bags I'm afraid, he will never change; glad you are though, keep going!

[tipsytrifle]

Your bf is not "calling you names". He is verbally and emotionally abusing you with an escalating likelihood of physical violence to come, given that he attacked your dog. At the point he pushed or threw poor dog, his intent was to harm or kill him. Perhaps that was a practice run for his rage. Perhaps he will do the same to you now that he has tested his physical strength. Please call 101 for advice. I would recommend telling him via text that you are done with him and that he is not to return to your home.

Arrangements can be made for "stuff". Get the locks changed by way of an emergency locksmith now. Police might have other advice but I don't think you should be in a situation that could be extremely volatile and dangerous without RL support.

[bibliomania]

Also worried about your safety, OP. Ending the relationship is the most dangerous time. You're definitely doing the right thing, but please have someone there.

[Hissy]

My love, I did this alone when the abusive arse that is da dad left. He was leaving anyway, but thought I'd still be "in a relationship" with him.

It shocked him to the core.

My family all bailed (and turned on me) friends were supportive, amazingly so, but in essence it was just me. Friends couldn't handle the stuff I had gone through. Mumsnet could tho. That's why I'm here.

I'm hoping you will have support, I'm hoping you don't go through this alone, but you absolutely will survive this. I promise.

I understand the shame, it's not ours to feel but we feel monumentally stupid. I used to think my stupidity was visible to all... it was that enormous.

That passes, in a few days or a week it stops feeling so engulfing

Please get rid of this horrid man, he almost hurt your pet, he shoved you. That's enough.

Keep posting lovely, we're here!

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

He's been and gone, no violence or aggression, just asked me if I had read his messages about starting again, I need to forget him not fucking it all again. I told him I hadn't, I wasn't lying. I am absolutely not reading anything he sends me, I'm keeping the for if he turns nasty, so I can then take it further but I'm not reading or replying to anything. I've blocked him on everything except my phone (don't have the facility to) but once it's all done (the rest of his stuf gone) I'll change my number too.
I've thrown everything he bought me and everything he gave me. I don't need reminders of him.
I ve even moved my stuff onto the spare room so I don't have to sleep in our bed, it's amazing what a woman can do after an hour on mumsnet and when she's pushed too far. I've tolerated and accepted the verbal abuse he throws at me but these last few weeks have helped me reach my limit.
NEVER LAY A FINGER ON ME
BEVER CALL MY SON A LOELIVE RETARD C##T
NEVEE HURT MY DOG
NEVER SLAG OFF MY FAMILY
I have every expectations that he will get nasty, his swings between nasty/nice are incredible but I'm just going.g to continue down this mind set. I will arrange for someone else to be here when he collects the rest of his stuff and I will be changing the locks immediately after that point (next week as I've paid him back his share of the bill money until that points) I've seriously covered all angles. This most definitely isn't the first time he's broken my heart wide open but it will certainly be the fucking last
Thanks again ladies

[OFGSIsItTheWeekendYet]

Oh and for the first time in a long time I'm proud of myself, i've been repeating it all over and over, everything he said about my special boy, so I was angry by the time he got here, I just acted indifferent though, I didn't cry or shout and I just shut him down about anything other than the house stuff. IM FREE. xx

[Naicehamshop]

Oh God - well done, well done!!!!
You are an absolute star!!

[QuiteLikely5]

Well done op

If you start to wobble think about the guy who called your son a retard, absolutely disgusting, hurt your pet, and tried to break you inside so he could feel good about himself.

[QuiteLikely5]

And yes yes yes to confiding in your family how bad he was to you