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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated on me

103 replies

keepingitalltogether · 06/03/2017 23:10

My dh ( of over 20 years) and I have had a few problems recently
today everything came to a head and we had a blazing row..

During which it came out he has had an affair. He is in his midfifties.

I eventually ( after threatening to ask every single person that he knows) got him To confess who with and it's a woman in her nineties.... I knew they were spending time together and I was touched by the time he was giving her. I thought it was very sweet. I've helped he out myself made her cups of tea, done her shopping etc. And now I.find this out. I've been throwing up. I'm shaking, I can't get my head around it at all. I could almost cope,better if it was a younger girl. It would make more.sensse. This just seems so wrong. I've are him leave, but he wants me to.forgive him. I can't can I???

OP posts:
Original poster
keepingitalltogether · 21/03/2017 14:26

well, a couple of weeks on, its still true. hes still currently in the house.
my heart is still very broken. ive told him that what scares me most is that he was able to have sex with a woman so old..... bad enought o cheat but this i cant get my head around at all.
problem is, despite this, i do still ove him. Life would be easier if i didnt.

OP posts:
user1479305498 · 21/03/2017 14:41

My counsellor told me that its perfectly possible to love someone and leave them if you find "something" they have done totally abhorent and unliveable with. You dont have to loathe them to split.

Lambly · 21/03/2017 16:51

Gosh OP, this is quite something.

I'm not really sure what to say.

How old are your kids?

Original poster
keepingitalltogether · 28/03/2017 11:00

kids are between 14 and 24. also have couple of grandchildren (under 5)
I dont want them to know, but also, they've noticed that im not myself and realise that somethings going on. maybe the should be told he had an affair. but not who with.

still dont know whether to try to hold this relationship together or not.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 28/03/2017 13:35

you haven't said what your H is doing right now. Is he remorseful, given you any explanation??
Personally l find what he did repulsive and couldn't stay married to him, looking at him and thinking what he had done with OW would make me sick. But each to their own.
I would be telling the DC's what he did- why cover up for him but you don't need to go into the gory details, that would be far too much for them to cope with.
You need their support at this time Flowers

Original poster
Keepingitalltogether · 05/04/2017 16:45

He's remorse full, although thinking about it hasent actually apologised.
I'm in absolute pieces. We live in the same small village so I keep seeing the ow. He wants to make our relationship work, or so he says. But I'm not getting the answers I need. He keeps saying he's not sure. When I ask how often they had sex. When it started.when it ended..I really reallh really feel,I need the detail to help me get past it. I've told him that at the moment it's 50/50 for me wanting to make it work. And wanting him to fuck off and never ever see me again......

I've got a gp appointment arranged to get some counselling for me.as I just keep loosing it. And I can't stop.crying...

OP posts:
Whatatododo · 05/04/2017 16:58

I wouldn't want the gory details, especially in this case, but you need the basics at least ie how many times, how long has it been going on for?

Trying not to be ageist but has he expressed any kind of shame or embarrassment or any acknowledgement that this is out of the ordinary?

user1479305498 · 05/04/2017 17:10

This is one bizzarre situation. Does this old lady know 100% whats been happening. I would hate to think any level of abuse/coersion has been going on and I hate to even mention it. Poor you OP, in this situation I know it would definitely have been a "Fu* O* right now " from me

macnab · 05/04/2017 19:53

I'm so sorry all I can think of is Doris from Gavin & Stacey! (not at all helpful I know)

Regardless of age, he had a long-time affair OP, and that would be a deal breaker for me. So sorry you're going through this, with the added yuckiness of the age-factor

Original poster
Keepingitalltogether · 05/04/2017 21:32

He hasent aqnowledged my horror at her age. As far as I can work out she's fully capable of understanding what's going on. Still may have to confront her myself at some point....

He says it happened and was over during a couple.of years we were renting a house in the next town along. So not in the last two years. Although they have spent a lot of time together more recently then that...

It seems to be getting harder
not easier to cope with

OP posts:
Moanyoldcow · 05/04/2017 21:41

Why do you say you 'owe' him? He owed it to you to be faithful.

I honestly don't know how you could get over this.

melissasummerfield · 05/04/2017 22:24

please tell me i'm not the only one that thinks this is made up?!

samanthajayne17 · 05/04/2017 23:21

This is weird... sorry but it's very weird.

I can't understand why a man in his 50s will want to sleep with a 90 year old.

OP you did say he doesn't have a good relationship with his mother.. or am I wrong? If this is the case then maybe he's trying to find a mother figure that he never had and that's why he's been going with this woman. Maybe he's trying to fill a void or Something. There is no excuse of it though because it's cheating. It's very very odd though...

category12 · 06/04/2017 08:48

Gerontophilia is a fetish or paraphilia - that isn't something that goes away. It's not massively common but does exist.

In his case, it might not be a paraphilia, but really mumsnet, you gotta realise that someone somewhere gets off on all sorts of unconventional stuff. Old lady porn is a thing. Niche, but a thing.

Original poster
Keepingitalltogether · 06/04/2017 12:30

I think there is a degree of mum figure there.. Although having sex with your mum figure....??!??

It's very tough. He's now said it's because I've never listened to him enough..and she made time to listen. And I have. Apparently, never been supportive enough. I think that it's going to have to be the end of this marriage. ( To all of you who think it can't be True. How I wish you were right.)

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/04/2017 12:50

I'm sorry OP, I couldn't see a future with this man.
I know you love him, and that's your prerogative, but please, talk to someone. This must be so difficult for you. ☹️🌺🍷

Original poster
Keepingitalltogether · 06/04/2017 15:00

I've got a gp appointment next week to ask for counselling. I also have a friend who is trained in counselling who is helping me out. I've been feeling down to a degree that's scaring me. I don't want to live this life where this is a reality.

Thankfully the kids are keeping me going. By needing me.

I think I'm going to go and speak to the woman and ask to hear her side of the story.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/04/2017 16:11

I'm so glad that you've got somebody to talk to, you poor thing. This is just awful, especially blaming you, who the hell does he think he is.
You will get through this, and you'll come out a stronger person.
Do you think that it's a possibility, that he has taken advantage of this woman ? Or is he just odd ?
You can't brush this kind of madness under the carpet, hold my hand OP, hold it tight Sweet, it's going to be okay. 🙋🏼

Original poster
Keepingitalltogether · 06/04/2017 17:24

Thank you so much for your support❤️ never been through anything like this before. My friend, counsellor, thinks I have symptoms of post traumatic stress. Hopefully Dr will be able to help.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/04/2017 18:38

Your GP appointment will be here before you know it.
Thank goodness, for your friend.
It's going to be a sunny weekend OP, go out for a walk with your lovely children. 🌞
Someone will be here around the clock, don't be alone Sweet.🌸

Original poster
Keepingitalltogether · 11/04/2017 12:06

Well I took matters into my own hands and went to see ow.

Turns out it wasn't over years ago, or something that happeened only three times. He finished with her straight after he told me about it the other week. She is heartbroken as she said she's totally in love with him. She knows it's ludercrous ( her choice of word) she told me her husband had always had another woman.and since he died she has always been the other woman with a series of men. Tried to tell me it's natural and all men do it.

She is genuinely devastated. She said she was ready to die. Then they met and, as she put it felt alive again. That she didn't know her body would still be so eager to respond 😡 and that it was wonderful and made her feel young again. She said there would sometimes be a few months without them having sex. But it's been on and off for over three years.i told him what she's said and he has not denied or agree with what she told me. We have therapy booked for next week and he says he won't Talk without someone else present to help..... I'm in total shock. Going to doctors at end of the week. 😢😢😢

OP posts:
Lofari · 11/04/2017 12:16

Honey.....leave him. You deserve better x

SSYMONDS · 11/04/2017 12:32

I don't think you can come back from this. You're in shock now, and I can imagine with so much family around you it's really hard to start imagining what breaking up might mean, but I think in the end you will ask him to leave.
He sounds very dishonest and passive - he's sort of playing dead right now in the hope you won't notice him... but actually, not answering your questions, not apologising, not being straight about the facts, not having very much to say at all really is so disrespectful. He's not thinking about you or how you are, or what you need. He's just trying to get through this with the least amount of damage to himself.
I think you'll move from shock to rage fairly soon.
I'm really sorry this has happened to you, it's awful. I really hope that in the end, your life gets much better than it was. He must have good points and you have shared history, but he has done some really horrible things to you and you deserve better.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 11/04/2017 14:32

OP, I'm so sorry. Not only is your Husband a cheat, but he is also a dirty, bare faced liar, who also made use of a vulnerable, yet foolish/selfish old woman. He needs to move out, you need space, and to inform your family. At the moment, you are in deep shock, but you can, and will get through this. Don't look for a way back, there isn't one, but what there surely is, is a way forward, a new route, to a much better life.
Please value yourself, and surround yourself with the people who really do love you. Such a sad thread. ☹️

yetmorecrap · 11/04/2017 15:08

You sound a lovely lady --he sounds a creepy weirdo to be honest . I know that sounds harsh as we dont know him and Im sure he has good points too, but these really arent the actions of someone who is 100% right in the head . Whatever your history and however good it may have been at points, do yourself one massive favour and get yourself out this relationship as soon as humanly possible.