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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He cheated on me

103 replies

keepingitalltogether · 06/03/2017 23:10

My dh ( of over 20 years) and I have had a few problems recently
today everything came to a head and we had a blazing row..

During which it came out he has had an affair. He is in his midfifties.

I eventually ( after threatening to ask every single person that he knows) got him To confess who with and it's a woman in her nineties.... I knew they were spending time together and I was touched by the time he was giving her. I thought it was very sweet. I've helped he out myself made her cups of tea, done her shopping etc. And now I.find this out. I've been throwing up. I'm shaking, I can't get my head around it at all. I could almost cope,better if it was a younger girl. It would make more.sensse. This just seems so wrong. I've are him leave, but he wants me to.forgive him. I can't can I???

OP posts:
Puddington · 07/03/2017 23:52

Little Britain was the first thing I thought of too Blush

I mean... it could be possible I suppose (it takes all sorts!) but if he is having an affair it's probably more likely that he's telling you it's this older woman because he thinks you might feel bad for her or not be so hard on him as you would if it were a 20-year-old.

Holly3434 · 08/03/2017 05:45

Why is everyone concerned by the age here? Some men like grannies deal with it but the fact remains he has cheated pack his bags and tell him to leave

Yeahfine · 08/03/2017 05:58

Did anyone see that granny escort programme? There was an escort on that who was 84, not glam at all, very old ladyish in house coat and slippers and there was certainly a call for her services. If he was attracted to a woman in her sixties at 20, I say it's true.

Joysmum · 08/03/2017 08:34

The queen is still riding horses and she's in her 90's. Ageism is rife on this thread.

He had an emotional affair with another woman and sex too. This isn't inconceivable (pun intended).

highinthesky · 08/03/2017 08:36

This is beyond belief. Could this be a case of elder abuse?

pudding21 · 08/03/2017 12:32

If this is true it could be a safeguarding issue, she is probably vulnerable and he is taking advantage of her. Eugh this turns my stomach. Is she wealthy, is he trying to worm his way into her will? Those saying the age isn't an issue, it is depending on the circumstances.

She needs him to run errands for her but she can still get her rocks off? Sounds very suspicious to me.

DearMrDilkington · 08/03/2017 12:38

Well i wasn't expecting that..

He isn't taking advantage, is he?

Littleballerina · 08/03/2017 12:40

Doesn't matter how old his lover is. He had an affair, what are you going to do about it?

Teatowelfairy · 08/03/2017 13:03

Apparently she asked him, as she wanted to experience sex again..... But I'm also thinking, she's old, and not always 100 % with it. Is that even legal....? She's not got dementia or anything but she's definitely ' old' forgets stuff etc. I suppose she 'forgot' that he's a married man whose wife has kindly helped her out? Hmm
He's either majorly taking advantage of her or she's got some front.

SandyY2K · 08/03/2017 18:44

I'm speechless.

Ginandpanic · 08/03/2017 18:57

Of course it's possible. They might not have been jumping off the top of the wardrobe but old people can still have sex.

I can totally understand it's been a terrible shock op, and I can't see how you can come back from this. Sorry Flowers

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 08/03/2017 18:59

I think I would be paying her a visit....

Montane50 · 08/03/2017 19:00

Ask her, its the only way to clear the issue up

wherearemymarbles · 08/03/2017 19:16

Berylm Markham was an extraordinary woman who, apparently, even in her early 80's want shy in asking men half her age to bed...

So why not.... very odd but its possible! Poor you, the humiliation of all things.

shyturnip · 08/03/2017 19:36

Um
Not sure what to say OP
Sorry. Not helpful

NotInMyBackYard1 · 08/03/2017 19:38

Er what?????

Original poster
keepingitalltogether · 08/03/2017 21:44

I've seriously considered asking her, but to be honest I can't face her I've asked him over and over, is he covering up by saying her? How can he have done it? I'd actually find it easier to accept if she was some young thing.... I think. Because I feel.its almost unnatural and warped, rather then slightly more understandable lust... Still just feeling very very very sick.... But also don't want our children to find out as I think it would be horrific for them.( They've obviously met her too.....)

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 08/03/2017 21:57

If he has a thing for much older women, and some men do, then accept that he has cheated and LTB.

scottishdiem · 08/03/2017 21:59

Well there is an interesting about of ageism here people. And what ages are you all expecting your vaginas to clam up with age related dust? Certainly, GILFs, if I may drop that term in here, may be an outlier in terms what men are attracted to but nowhere near unheard of or indeed without a substantial porn niche. If he was into older women when younger then this makes perfect sense.

Also, just because someone is old does not mean that they are necessary in need of safeguarding.

However, he was cheating on you OP. Thats the main thing. Cheating is cheating, who he cheated with and why isnt the main thing. That needs to be addressed.

Teatowelfairy · 08/03/2017 23:39

I agree cheating is cheating regardless of who with or why. And yes just because someone is old doesn't necessarily mean they need safeguarding, but OP said the woman is not always 100% with it which does suggest that she possibly does need safeguarding. Then again she's supposedly fit and active so could very well be swinging from the chandeliers.

FlowersGinfor you OP.

crunched · 09/03/2017 02:34

I heard, via a care worker friend, that a lady she helped, in her late 80s was visited by the son of a friend of hers who had died. He was in his mid-forties and they embarked on a physical relationship and when this came to an end, she did the same again with his brother. She told my friend it made her 'feel alive'. Wink

crunched · 09/03/2017 02:35

Sorry, not helpful OP. Just pointing out, it does happen.

pudding21 · 09/03/2017 08:36

Scottishdiem: I disagree, the op sais she is forgetful at times and suggested dementia. It's a safeguarding issue. I'm not suggesting women in their 90s can't have sex, but it sounds to me like he's taking advantage of her. Either way he's cheated so it's inexcusable, but I'd be concerned about what he is saying about her suggesting it.
There's a much bigger story here than two people having sex.

pudding21 · 09/03/2017 08:38

Sorry op said not dementia, but how does she know that? Has she been assessed?

scottishdiem · 09/03/2017 12:25

Depends on the level of forgetfulness I suppose. My dad has early stage dementia and functions a lot via a series of plans and lists. But no-one could take advantage of him.

I would err on the side of saying someone doesn't have a mental health problem until it is diagnosed and known. There is a lot of statements like that for things like OCD/Autism/Aspergers etc on MN. I think it should include older people and dementia. The two aren't automatically synonymous.