Committing to living a lie

[MixedUpMuddledUp]

I've recently realised that after 15 or so years my marriage is going nowhere. We are good mates but I just don't feel anything beyond that.

DH is a decent bloke, a good Dad and in many ways a good husband. All sorts of stuff has contributed to me feeling this way, not least his burying his head in the sand despite knowing I'm not happy, but mainly it comes down to us just not being right for each other. I think I've always known this.

But I'm committed to staying together for the forseeable future because I feel we owe it to our DD (14). I know people will say you shouldn't stay together for kids but in our case I believe it's for the best. She's at an age where she needs the support of a family unit and if we split we'd both be worse off financially which would impact on her - she doesn't deserve to lose out just because we've screwed up. We get on well as a family - she's not living in a horrible atmosphere - so I think for now we're better off as we are.

But now I've made my decision I have to live with it and I'm finding it really hard. There seems no point to anything when I know it's going nowhere. We've been planning some DIY and home improvements, thinking about a holiday, but I just can't be arsed with any of it. I wish I could fast forward to when DD is a bit older but at the same time I don't want to wish her life away, these few years are precious before she goes her own way.

I just feel like I'm in limbo. An added complication is that I've recently started chatting to an old friend online and am feeling dangerously attracted to him. I know he's not the answer but the way I feel at the moment I'm running the risk of doing something stupid because I'm flattered and lonely and confused.

I know I should just call it quits with DH but I am determined not to put my own happiness above that of my DD. But I'm not sure, having committed to that, how to put it into practice :(.

I'm not in denial about the fact I shouldn't have married him. He's a decent person but not right for me in many ways - although he is in some, it's not all bad. But there was never a 'spark', I've never fancied the pants off him - I think you need that to help you through when times are tough.

Don't get me wrong, I feel like a complete and utter bitch and as though I've led him on for years. But it's not all me.

I'm arguing back not because I don't want to hear the truth but because it's not as black and white as done posters seem to think.

It is not all you
It is not all him

Everyone is saying this is incompatibility and lack of effort on both sides.

It will not help you to be able to blame him.

It also won't change uour unhappiness

I'm not perfect and am not claiming to be I am just saying something you don't like.

I hear you that you feel unsupported by everyone including us and your DH so it's no surprise you looked for it elsewhere but sometimes we have to look inside ourselves at our own flaws and not try to find them in other people instead

I would stop any attempts at finding a shoulder to cry.

Sort out first what lies at the bottom of this: I've got a fairly messy family history (death/divorce/abuse) and feel pretty fucked up by it at times

once you know what made you marry when you shouldn't have everything will fall in place

it is hard to split peacefully but possible - try to achieve that before you mess up your life by adding affair to other issues you have on your plate

I agree. If you leave your H as the result of an affair your DD may resent you and even reject you for years to come.

If you leave because you are just unhappy she will be unhappy too, she won't necessarily understand yet but she will not have that same level of contempt and resentment for you.

What BitOutOfPractice wrote here in her posts at 11.01 and 11.28.

I would just add to that comment that your own mother likely did that self same behaviour with you.

I do know why I married him and it's a direct result of my past. I was desperate for someone kind and stable who would look after me. He's done and been all of that, I can't fault him there. Unfortunately I didn't look at what else is needed to make a marriage work.

When DD was young we were so caught up in family life etc that it wasn't so obvious although we definitely had issues - if I wasn't keen to remain anonymous I'd link to the many posts I've made on here over the years under various user names.

Now she is getting older we have more time on our own and although we do have things in common and can have a laugh together it's obvious (to me anyway) that something is missing.

Yeah my mum was really putting us first when she married that abusive bastard and stayed with him for years.

I'm old enough to see things from her perspective now but I'll never understand that one. She feels guilty now but it's too late / that's why I am trying so hard to make a better decision - for ALL of us.

mixed,

You can unlearn all the damaging stuff you learnt about relationships along the way starting with the lessons that your own parents taught you. However, you need to put the emotional work in and are you really wanting to do that now?.

Your DD is learning about relationships from the two of you as her parents, what is she learning here from you both?. What do you yourself want to teach her about relationships?.

Hi mixedup the best thing you can do is talk to your DH - its the hardest thing in the world to do but you have to admit your feelings to him and tell him you want to separate (if that's what you really want to do)
Sometimes its normal to have grown apart, its ok to want different things.
If you do separate be prepared for a very bumpy upheaval which could last a couple of years, and prepare to never speak to DH on a personal level again.

I was in your position and stayed. Now? Still with him. Turns out it was stress if both working demanding jobs and being both v hands on parents that made (me) stressed and discontented. Now we're both (just) early retired and kids gone, couldn't be happier.

It's not lovey dovey between us but we're there for each other 100% and I like him more than anyone I know other than our DCs.

I would also sort out yourself before leaving.

You describe a difficult childhood that needs resolution.I feel midlife dissatisfactions are rooted in troubled childhoods so don't throw away a marriage yet until you are sure.The flirting with OM is a symptom.

You describe a kind man, who cares for you and who you can laugh with.That's quite a firm foundation.

My stbxh had a difficult childhood and I couldn't fix it, this might be an unreasonable expectation from you.

Get support and review once you are feeling healed from childhood.

Talk to your DH, be honest with him, including about taking to the old flame.

You move out, get yourself a 1 bed flat and let DD stay in her lovely home. Pay your DH maintenance.

But just because you've found yourself in a similar situation to your mother i.e. Unhappy marriage, you don't have to repeat her mistakes.

The biggest risk to me I see possible is that you have an affair, now or at some future point, your DH finds out and your life crashes down around you and you don't have any control over it. It might not be this OM but you are a real risk to falling head over heels for someone who comes into your life and is everything your husband isn't.

You do have some control over what is happening now, before it's damaged.

You have tried to talk to him before but it's not clear whether this is blaming him for the situation or trying to find a way forward, together

You move out, get yourself a 1 bed flat and let DD stay in her lovely home. Pay your DH maintenance.

This.

Though I suspect the idea won't be all that palatable to you.

It's the classic affair script, it really is.

Sorry purple pen what ever the circs I would NEVER do that so I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take your advice

Honestly, some of the advice
Look just talk to him...get some councilling and get rid of that person you are talking to...that's playing with fire

If the end result is your marriage is over then at least you have tried

But if that was me and easy to say who's not involved then I would give it one more go and tell yourself that you are going to give it a good go...

But ultimately it is down to you

I can guarantee that this om will be clouding your judgement so get rid and sort yourself out - get your issues sorted for YOU

It seems to me that you have two honest options and only you know which is the right one ;

1. Stay and try and work on your marriage - dont think that's what you want

1. Tell your husband that you want out of the marriage and agree arrangements. He might be willing to still live in the family home as co- parents / flat mates but not as a couple. Or he might want to move out and you to sell the family home. Or he might agree to an open marriage - who knows ? But he has the right to your honesty about what's going on.

You seem to want option 3 - permission to cheat because of his failings and your unhappiness. I am sure they are both very real, but neither excuses cheating. No one here is going to tell you that's ok, are they ? If you thought so yourself, you wouldn't be posting.

Sorry purple pen what ever the circs I would NEVER do that so I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't take your advice

I won't be surprised either. And yet if she were the man this is what she'd be expected to do.

It's the way of life that's why

Seriously people need to get a grip

After reading all the posts I think she is getting a bit of a hard time

I don't think we can say she does want out

People can be so judgemental

People come here when they are at the lowest and some of the stuff op has had to endure it's just nasty

I hope you find what you are looking for op. Ignore anything negative anyone else said...and as for the nasty ones well let them get on with it
No point trying to explain to them

I don't think your going to get any more better advice then you have today
Make a list of all the positive stuff and the stuff you want to do to move forward

I wish you and your lo luck xxx

I guess it's true that in some ways I am looking for 'permission to cheat' as Kr1stina says. That's not right and I need to address it - DH doesn't deserve that and none of us deserve the fallout.

If we do decide to split believe me I'd be happy to be the one that moved out - I'm fine with a smaller space if it's my own and money troubles are nothing new - but I know almost 100% that DD would rather stay with me.

Thank you cantwait and actually everyone for the advice - welcome or not I needed to hear some different perspectives.

I was here, exactly here, about 18 months ago. Some of the advice here sounds a bit harsh but it's not wrong.

My ex was generally a decent enough person but like you've described he was antisocial (very embarrassing in company as he'd stare into space and ignore people, even children) and sex was rubbish. We were together about 7 years and I agree that over that time it should improve but when your OH will not communicate at all and won't listen to subtle clues it's crap. You can't 'teach' someone who ignores you. I put up with it until I couldn't any more. It made me feel used and I stopped fancying him. It fizzled out to nothing in the end.

I started chatting to and old friend and my eyes were opened to what I was settling for. I still loved my ex and I cut off contact with the old friend. I did not have an affair but I did fantasise about him.

You need to decide about your marriage with a clear head and your head won't be clear if you are still in touch with the OM. You won't emotionally invest in your efforts and that's unfair to your DH. If you want to try, do it properly. Otherwise let him go and try to find someone who will value him more. He can still be a fully involved Dad.

I left my ex after I spent time telling him what I felt needed to change (quite a bit, not just what I've said here) and he just denied it, gave me silent treatment, stormed out etc. My feelings just went. It broke my heart really at the time but it was the right thing to do.

I met up with OM some months after leaving, just as friends, and found out he was a liar! So that was a lucky escape.

I'm now 4 months into a new relationship and I've never looked back on my previous relationship. It was right for me to go. My new OH is sociable, funny and sexy! You deserve to be happy but just do it in the right way

Thank you for sharing that and for understanding, hope I can have as happy an outcome as you.

Hi mixed up, I could have written your post about your dh. Mine was exactly the same, no emotional support, sex life awful, no intimacy even a hug, nothing to say to me. I also thought I could stay for the kids but I was so so unhappy. I had tried talking to him, explaining, tried to change things in the bedroom but got nothing in return. Got to the stage I told him I was leaving if nothing changed. He did nothing, not a single thing to make things better. I ended up ill as I got so low and realised that this life was not good for my dc. It would be better for them if I was a happy mum. We split last April, he refused to move out, told the kids in August (16 & 13) and they have been so understanding and amazing. It's like a massive weight has been lifted. We have now both met someone else and again the kids have been great.