Committing to living a lie

[MixedUpMuddledUp]

I've recently realised that after 15 or so years my marriage is going nowhere. We are good mates but I just don't feel anything beyond that.

DH is a decent bloke, a good Dad and in many ways a good husband. All sorts of stuff has contributed to me feeling this way, not least his burying his head in the sand despite knowing I'm not happy, but mainly it comes down to us just not being right for each other. I think I've always known this.

But I'm committed to staying together for the forseeable future because I feel we owe it to our DD (14). I know people will say you shouldn't stay together for kids but in our case I believe it's for the best. She's at an age where she needs the support of a family unit and if we split we'd both be worse off financially which would impact on her - she doesn't deserve to lose out just because we've screwed up. We get on well as a family - she's not living in a horrible atmosphere - so I think for now we're better off as we are.

But now I've made my decision I have to live with it and I'm finding it really hard. There seems no point to anything when I know it's going nowhere. We've been planning some DIY and home improvements, thinking about a holiday, but I just can't be arsed with any of it. I wish I could fast forward to when DD is a bit older but at the same time I don't want to wish her life away, these few years are precious before she goes her own way.

I just feel like I'm in limbo. An added complication is that I've recently started chatting to an old friend online and am feeling dangerously attracted to him. I know he's not the answer but the way I feel at the moment I'm running the risk of doing something stupid because I'm flattered and lonely and confused.

I know I should just call it quits with DH but I am determined not to put my own happiness above that of my DD. But I'm not sure, having committed to that, how to put it into practice :(.

I just feel she deserves a secure family unit behind her with all the advantages that brings for a few more years.

And what happens if she finds out about your emotional affair?

It sounds like you are justifying an affair. I am wondering what will happen if yiu have the affair and she finds out. Will she feel its a secure unit?

Does she feel its a secure unit now? Chances are that she has picked up on the feeling that the narriage is rubbish. Even if she doesnt thibk about it until she is older.

The realisation that your happy childhood was a lie can be quite damaging.

"I just feel she deserves a secure family unit behind her with all the advantages that brings for a few more years".

Her secure family unit is anything but; its all built on sand. Waiting a few more years before your DH and you separate will also cause her a whole new world of pain. She is not going to thank you for staying that long either; she will berate you for making her be a part of a lie.

^this

Is what I wanted to say but am rubbish. LesisMiserable that makes a lot of sense

I think a by product of your own childhood is an inertia, which ultimately is lead by fear. Your DH or your DD cannot help you with these fears. You have co-created this situation and are equally responsible for the outcome. You aren't powerless and helpless and this is not the fault or your husband, who you chose to marry.

I'm trying to take on board what's being said and not be defensive but I'm not completely at fault in all this. DH isn't responsible for sorting my head out but a decent partner would be supportive as I've been to him. I haven't led him along, he's known over the years that I wasn't happy with our relationship but he never tries to change things - he's content to potter along but I want more from my marriage and my life.

I wasn't really asking for advice about DH anyway, I know how I feel. I was hoping for some thoughts on doing the best by DD - which I appreciate have been given - as I am determined not to repeat what happened to me. My parents split when I was a similar age, DM then married an abusive bastard, it took years to all be resolved (still isn't really) and as a consequence she leans on me way too much. I refuse to repeat this with my DD.

Most of it has been there for years and it's not OM that has raised it now, it was there before he came along because of friends splitting up, DD growing up and an awareness of life being too short to settle

This is the script. Heard so many times.

Marriage is crap and/or 'i just realised we arent compatible' always appears with the appearance of an OW or OM

You act like he kept you there hostage. He didnt need to change you needed to act. OP, leaving a marriage when there is children takes huge amounts of courage. Let's be honest, you don't have it.

Kind of in the same boat, my youngest is the same age and I had set her completing A' Levels as my exit point if I can cope until then.

However virtually everyone on here was telling me to walk away from the marriage now because it is really screwing me up so I have attempted to discuss leaving but the end result is that my DW and I have started communicating better than we have in a decade.

All sorts of resentments and issues have been unspoken over the years and were allowed to fester and build but they are coming out now and we are talking through them calmly, honestly and without blame. I don't know where we will end up and I have asked her to stop making long term plans with me but we are very good friends still so we are seeing if there is any way to regain the affection and intimacy we once had.

I think you need to have a frank and open discussion with your DH, if you decide that its over but that you will stay together until DD is older then you need to broach the subject of an open relationship so that you and he can both explore other relationships to try and meet your physical and emotional needs without guilt.

Hope it works out for you.

Well in all honesty, the only way forward with DD if you aren't going to end the marriage is to force yourself into all that DIY, the holiday, family life, your pretend smile, fake it till you make it, never let her see the real you.
You could get some counselling to deal with the past or even marriage counselling to open up communication with DH.
He doesn't have much incentive to change - you aren't going to end the marriage.

Also that's a very emotive word - he's content - you're not. Not his problem, yours.

Same boat
Please message me as I don't want to share too much publicly but totally get where you are coming from

I wonder how different the responses would have been if I hadn't mentioned an OM. There's more than one way of being unfaithful in a marriage and to me DH is not giving it his all any more than I am. But on here to most people I'll always be in the wrong .

knackeredmum I'll message you later, thanks.

Youre not wrong because of OM. Youre wrong because youre showing a complete lack of courage to walk away from something that doesnt serve you, or your DH. You say he is drifting along, but at least he's content. You're not so you've entered martyrdom instead. Selfish. You're wasting his life.

Seriously OP man up and show your DD real love is letting go. Not falling into a cliche.

Crikey, I can't believe what a hard time you are getting on this thread. So many "perfect" people having a go at you.

It's NOT easy and simple to leave a marriage. It takes time to untangle everything, it's emotionally draining and it's a lot of upset and upheaval for all concerned. You are right to take this seriously.

PP who say that your daughter will know something is wrong, are not necessarily right. Teenagers are generally wrapped up in their own stuff, and won't notice if you are slightly different, especially if you are making a real effort to appear upbeat and happy. And on the whole, I'm sure kids would prefer for their parents to stay together.

I left my first husband (of 20 years) when my kids were aged 11 and 9. My daughter who is now 18 still wishes we'd stayed together, despite me having remarried and so yes, I am now modelling a perfect relationship, and have been for 8 years. Guess what? She doesn't care. She wishes me and her Dad had stayed together. She hates that we live 30 mins apart, and that when she is home from Uni, she has to flit between 2 houses. It still makes me feel guilty and a bit of a shit parent. For context, first H cheated multiple times, and it still took me 4 years to face this and leave. It's not easy.

I think what you are doing takes extreme courage. You are putting your DD first, despite feeling miserable in a sexless marriage. Personally, in your shoes, I would not cut contact with your old friend. You're not cheating, you are just chatting and it brings you some small comfort. I suspect he doesn't live anywhere near you, so very unlikely to turn into an affair. Sometimes, it takes talking to OM to give you the courage to leave a shit marriage - because it gives you a glimpse of what you could have with someone else - that was certainly the case with me. But be warned, if the OM is willing to have an affair with you, then he's really not a good guy, and would most likely run for the hills if you left your DH for him. The man I am now married to was not OM, I met him after I had left first H.

I'd say, take your time, do your sums, think over what you want to do, in your own time. Take zero notice of people on here that are wagging their fingers and tut-tutting at you. For heaven's sake, you are unhappy, and you are feeling how anyone would feel, trapped in a marriage you no longer want to be in. There's no easy answer here.

But there is OM.
Living the 'lie' has led to this because it's a very unrealistic expectation that this can ever work.
This isn't like having a job you don't like, it's every day all day.
All of the reasons the marriage has failed, equally due to you husbands incompetence are still present. No one can help you with how to ignore these things or learn to live with them, experience is teaching you that you can't.
It's unhappy enough to leave, neither of you has enough interest to make things more tolerable. It is over.
So you just have to learn to live with it, or without it.

I'm sorry no one has a magic answer to get your DH to change - which it feels like this is what you want. A lot of this seem to be his fault, he's clearly not a good husband to you in this case. So what would you like people to say apart from leave him?

"As for sex, it's never been good (he's very inexperienced) but once again he won't make any effort to please me."

Apart from the 15 years experience with you? Sounds like that should have been loads of time for you to guide him towards what you want in the bedroom. Or do you mean that the OM is loads more experienced and thats what you find exciting?

Crickey! I agree with Huskey. There is SUCH a one sided, black and white narrative on mumsnet. It's so interesting to sit on the side-lines of a post. You can almost predict the turn it will take.

How do any of the posters know that it would best for YOUR daughter if you and your husband separated? I really mean this, how do you know? The poster and her husband might, despite their problems, create a good atmosphere around the home. They also might not, but the poster knows this situation better than anyone so I feel to tell her that it's best for her to separate is nothing but specific projection of one's own experiences, forgetting to understand that your experience it not the only way things play out.

What is clear is that your marriage is in trouble. Stay away from Facebook man. He is not special. He is just highlighting what you feel you are missing in your relationship. Perhaps, you both owe it to your daughter to go to marriage counselling. Explain to your husband just how much trouble the marriage is in. If he won't go with you, go alone.

Good luck.

I was in similar position a few years ago.
Took me a long time to get the courage to leave but I'm so glad I did and I'm happier than ever and better off for it in so many ways

I'm sorry but why the fuck should I be 'guiding' DH in the bedroom? Not that I haven't tried countless times. I'm his wife not a bloody teacher, where's his responsibility in all this?!

Thanks to those who are able to see both sides and offer useful advice instead of just judging regardless because I dared to mention another man.

I think its becoming increasingly obvious that you hold your DH entirely responsible for the lack of intimacy in your marriage and maybe youre right but you're the one saying you'll stick it out. You won't. But you don't want to hear that. I hope he takes the intiative and does it for you, in a way. I think your need is to feel blameless. You're a mum and you owe it to your daughter to show her women don't need to stay in unhappy marriages even to good dads and husbands. Lets face it, if you're husband was a good shag none of this would be as big as problem. Nothing new to see here.

My beautiful DD is the biggest 'bright spot' in my life but she's not responsible for my happiness and I refuse to lean on her too much.

But you are. You are placing the full responsibility for your happiness, or rather unhappiness, onto her.

I honestly hadn't thought of it like that :(

Imagine how she'll feel when she finds out (because she will) that you lived a miserable life for years and years "because" of her.

And who says she'll leave home at 18? How long will you wait?

I agree about the bedroom part
And for me I would have not been able to be happy in a relationship if there is not a good sex life..for me it's not just sex it's everything else that goes with it. The love and affection and cuddles...however it really doesn't sounds like you are justifying though

And yes it comes across as you asking something- someone answers and you argue it?

It doesn't many any sense

I really think you are in denial and I think you have been for a while and you have blamed DH for so long that you can't see the wood for the trees

I'm not saying it to be judgey or claim in perfect but when people have said things I don't wanna hear they were right and until I got a hold of my life and changed it for the better I could see and it's how you are coming across to me from some of the answers to your post