Committing to living a lie

[MixedUpMuddledUp]

I've recently realised that after 15 or so years my marriage is going nowhere. We are good mates but I just don't feel anything beyond that.

DH is a decent bloke, a good Dad and in many ways a good husband. All sorts of stuff has contributed to me feeling this way, not least his burying his head in the sand despite knowing I'm not happy, but mainly it comes down to us just not being right for each other. I think I've always known this.

But I'm committed to staying together for the forseeable future because I feel we owe it to our DD (14). I know people will say you shouldn't stay together for kids but in our case I believe it's for the best. She's at an age where she needs the support of a family unit and if we split we'd both be worse off financially which would impact on her - she doesn't deserve to lose out just because we've screwed up. We get on well as a family - she's not living in a horrible atmosphere - so I think for now we're better off as we are.

But now I've made my decision I have to live with it and I'm finding it really hard. There seems no point to anything when I know it's going nowhere. We've been planning some DIY and home improvements, thinking about a holiday, but I just can't be arsed with any of it. I wish I could fast forward to when DD is a bit older but at the same time I don't want to wish her life away, these few years are precious before she goes her own way.

I just feel like I'm in limbo. An added complication is that I've recently started chatting to an old friend online and am feeling dangerously attracted to him. I know he's not the answer but the way I feel at the moment I'm running the risk of doing something stupid because I'm flattered and lonely and confused.

I know I should just call it quits with DH but I am determined not to put my own happiness above that of my DD. But I'm not sure, having committed to that, how to put it into practice :(.

Whattodowiththepoo said it most succinctly.

Are you
A) a cheat

B) brave enough to take control of your life and take responsibility for your happiness?

You're selfish and are thinking only of your own self interest here. Your marriage is dead and this other man you're talking to is a mere distraction who is clouding further your already poor judgment. Your current solution is to lie further to both your H and your DD; some solution that is.

You'd rather stay for the sake of your child; a decision that will come to backfire badly on both you and she in years to come as well. Its a terrible burden to place upon a child; you're also teaching her that a loveless marriage is her norm as well. Is that really what you want to teach her about relationships?.

She is NOT going to say "thanks mum" for you staying and it could well damage your own relationship with her going forward. Children are perceptive and she sees and likely knows far more than you give her credit for. She knows that things are not alright at home and perhaps even worse still blames herself for her parents marital problems. She probably knows that you are talking with this other man also.

When I say DH is a good husband I mean he doesn't hit me or see other women or spend money we don't have and that he does his share around the house and works hard.

He doesn't support me emotionally though - I've got a fairly messy family history (death/divorce/abuse) and feel pretty fucked up by it at times but while he acknowledges this he doesn't help me get through it - he's the same with his family, just can't deal with too much what he would term ''drama'. Similarly I'm having problems at work and could really use a shoulder to cry on but he's just exasperated and implies it's my fault for putting too much into my job - it should be just a 9-5 that you leave behind at the end of the day like he does. I've supported him through loads but he finds it hard to do in return - I know I can be hard work but that's what a marriage is supposed to be about isn't it.

Also both our sex and social lives are awful. He's got no friends, no interests outside the home and can be very anti-social at get-togethers which is probably why we're never asked to them now. I'm quite sociable and luckily have my own friends and interests but it's just one more thing that comes between us and doesn't bode well for the future. As for sex, it's never been good (he's very inexperienced) but once again he won't make any effort to please me. It's become a massive turn-off now because I know it will be predictable and never satisfying for me.

As for staying for my own comfort - that's not it at all. I'd happily live in a flat nearer to where I work, I'm not fussed about a big house or anything but why should DD have to leave her lovely room and the place where all her friends are? We couldn't afford to stay here if we split up. I am honestly trying to put her first in a way I don't think my parents did for us.

The OM is just a blip - it's comforting because he's from my past and remembers me when I was young and fun. It's exciting talking to him but he's not at all right for me. I know I need to stop contact.

I'm not trying to justify myself here, just explain why I feel like I do - I am well and truly messed up by my parents' divorce and their actions since and desperate not to put my DD through anything similar.

it's the only bright spot in what seems like a very dull life

Oh for goodness sake, what a one woman pity party you are having. No-one ever guaranteed that marriage was going to be a non-stop roller coaster of thrills, spills and endless sex and attention.

Being a grown up is pretty dull for the most part. It's called responsibility and commitment and being dependable for your family.

I am always amazed at people who all sudden decide their marriage is crap and their partner wont change when someone else enters the picture.

If you are committed to staying in your marriage. Actually commit to it. Not float along having a comfortable life by staying with dh and having an affair.

It doesnt sound like you are staying for dd. Its sounds like you are justifing an affair.

Of course the marriage is no fun, you are not putting any effort into it either!

Why is the onus of good sex entirely on your DH? It involves 2

Ot is interesting that people are picking up on the fact that you are not being entirely honest with yourself.

And thd FB old flame is just a fantasy.

You can work on your marriage/life, or bail. But staying whilst mentally having bailed is not gonna make you or anyone happy!

Mixed

re your comment:-
"I am well and truly messed up by my parents' divorce and their actions since and desperate not to put my DD through anything similar".

Well Mixed you will mess your DD up and in different ways as well if you carry on as you are. Is this what you want to teach her about relationships?. What do you think she is learning here?. I would imagine your parents relationship collapsed over some years as well and you heard and saw far more than they ever cared to realise.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you. You are not your parents either; their experience of divorce was awful to you probably because one of them was adversarial in their whole approach. You were also never considered. Divorce does not have to be like that nowadays and people can and do separate without wanting to punish the other for leaving them.

Look at what your learnt about relationships from them when growing up. You learnt a lot of damaging stuff about relationships; those can be unlearnt through counselling but you're going to have to put the emotional work in and it will not be easy or a quick fix. I would ask you why you have not seemingly addressed this to date. The OM needs to be let go of as of today; he is clearly not helping matters. Do as you write and stop contact.

Your DD knows that things are not good at home between you as her mum and dad. She knows something is amiss, they pick up on all the vibes spoken and unspoken.

I would like to hope there's more to my DD's happiness than having a nice bedroom, as I am sure there is for you too.

I understand your excuses for not wanting to leave but they aren't exactly deep and meaningful ones when it comes to DD... her bedroom and her mates? Why would she lose her mates if you stayed nearby?

Also been the kid who had parents who didn't love one another, one cheating parent. It didn't benefit me having the bigger bedroom. I would gladly swapped it for my parents to actually be happy.

the option of pretending has just as many pitfalls as leaving. I wouldn't want to raise my DD's to see me living a dull half life as you describe.

Maybe someone to tell me how I could make it work for all of us.

Which is what people are saying-leave your husband and try to be happy. What other sort of advice were you hoping for?!

The onus of our sex life is not just on DH but I've tried so many times to makes things better and he just doesn't respond. It's gone too far now, I don't find him attractive like that any more.

Likewise with counselling for my fucked up past - I really needed him to support me in getting something sorted but he made me feel as though I shouldn't need it and was just making it all about me.

Of course DD would be giving up more than a nice bedroom, that was just an example. I just feel she deserves a secure family unit behind her with all the advantages that brings for a few more years.

I am going to delete OM from FB, I know he's not helping.

Funny how the dh shit list gets rolled out now, when you haven't made any effort to address these issues before. ( I'm sure you would have mentioned it if you had. And no doubt in your next update you will backpedal and claim that you have done loads to try and solve it...) And I don't get how you have 'supported him through loads' if he 'doesnt do drama'...doesn't tally..

Your daughter would be more devastated to hear SHE isn't a bright spot in your dull life than if you split now.

MixedUp - I am in the same boat.
A marriage in which I haven't fancied dh for about ten years and has been sexless for at least two.
But one which I am committed to for as much as ten years because of the age of my children.
Pp have suggested the children pick up on the atmosphere but I can promise them, there is no atmosphere in our house. Nobody knows or could guess that I want out because I come across as happy. I have plenty of social outlets and am working on reviving my career.
I don't want to split up the family but I do want sex. I just can't bring myself to do it with dh though - ten years ago he just let me down so much that I've not been able to love him since.
I'm toying with the idea of asking for an open relationship but scared that that may just end up precipitating a divorce. And that would totally shatter my children and mess up our very harmonious family.

It all sounds like a massive load of justification because you haven't got the balls to do the right thing and split.

And I think it's really unfair on your dd to put all that responsibility on her for keeping the family together. Way to really fuck her up.

The thought of splitting is far far worse than the reality. Set your husband free and give your dd what she really needs. Two happy parents.

Likewise with counselling for my fucked up past - I really needed him to support me in getting something sorted but he made me feel as though I shouldn't need it and was just making it all about me.

Can you not access this yourself? I know it can be very hard to confront your past, and I'm sorry your DH isn't more supportive, but the person who can change things is you. You can do this, decide today and sort it. Can you get a few sessions through your work? A lot of corporations allow a certain number of sessions. Alternatively see if your GP can recommend someone (privately - the wait list is extremely long for NHS, and you wouldn't be a priority).

I think you've had a hard time on this thread, but the overall message, whilst harshly spoken, is right - you do need to cease contact with the OM, and treat your DH fairly. Can you give him an ultimatum - couples counselling or split? It might galvanise him into action.

Good luck.

As a child, I would have much preferred a big bedroom and my parents with me together than to care about them living a dull life. That is the honest truth. As a child, I can also see my own parents' marriage not being ideal without having a negative template for relationships that dooms me to one myself because funnily enough I can with maturity see outside the narrow prism of my parents' marriage to avoid their pitfalls and make a happy one of my own.

Whilst OP might be a living cliche, one of the other self-deluding narratives on mn is that children must see their parents modelling a happy marriage or the children's ability to form relationships is damaged and that children are just as happy having their parents live under separate roofs in reduced circumstances and to negotiate the tension and pingpong of second families. But at least their parents are happy. That to me is bull and not inevitable.

At the very least I respect the OP's instinct for putting her dd's happiness over her own and not buying into that convenient excuse to disrupt their children's home environment because of their parents' mistake.

Just end it and allow him to maybe find true happiness.

Sorry, you sound like such a cliche of someone who's trying to justify having an affair

As pps have said, children, especially teenagers are FAR more perceptive than we often give them credit for. You may not have a toxic atmosphere in your house but it's clear that you don't love and respect your husband, there's no joy in your relationship. Believe me, having a bigger bedroom is no substitute for a happy environment. And even if you have somehow managed to fool your daughter, when you eventually split she will resent you for having lived a lie for so long. It will rock her trust in her judgement.

You seem very dependent on others emotionally. Why do you need your Dh to support you in accessing counselling? Just go and do it. I suggest you access relational type (not relationship!) counselling, not CBT. It sounds like it would help you to look at how you relate to others, and about developing self -resilience and about how to get your needs met.

I'm another one whose parents stayed together cos -they were too scared to leave- they wanted to put the children first. Disaster for all of us. I'm the only one with a conventional family, the others have various commitment issues. It's been a real struggle for me too to learn what normal relationships are. I was treated like a doormat for years because I didn't know how to relate properly. Listen to the vast majority of posters on here.

My parents stayed together, and neither my brother not I has been able to form a healthy LTR [:-/]

And blue shoes it's not a self deluding narrative. People who post on here about this kind of dynamic have generally lived in these families where parents have stayed together 'for the kids'. I'm delighted for you that it didn't affect you. But reading the number of posts from people who have different experiences, can't you see that the odds are against this happening?

My beautiful DD is the biggest 'bright spot' in my life but she's not responsible for my happiness and I refuse to lean on her too much.

It's true DH doesn't do drama but life has a way of throwing stuff at you anyway and I've supported him through illness and all kinds of family stuff which he would have found really tough on his own because he's not good at that side of things.

Yes I could try and access counselling myself but I find it hard to accept I need to and would really have welcomed the support instead of being made to feel like I should be able to cope.

This is honestly not just a list to justify my feelings/actions. Most of it has been there for years and it's not OM that has raised it now, it was there before he came along because of friends splitting up, DD growing up and an awareness of life being too short to settle.

undercoveragent I'm sorry you're in the same boat, thanks for understanding.

A friend of mine's mother left her father when friend was 21. The mother had checked out of the marriage several years previously but stayed "for the kids" and once they were out and past university, she left.

My friend was devastated by it. Her whole life as she knew it unravelled - she felt she'd been betrayed, living a lie, etc. etc. Took her years to forgive her mum.

A colleague's sister also stayed with her H "for the kids" and left when the younger one turned 18. Different scenario there though - he was an abusive wanker, and she'd secretly divorced him years previously, but stayed in the home (different room though) to "keep the family together". Her kids didn't thank her for it either - they were furious that she'd not only put herself through it, but them too and wished she'd been honest with them and left when the divorce went through.

You're not modelling a good relationship here, Micedup.

Yes I could try and access counselling myself but I find it hard to accept I need to and would really have welcomed the support instead of being made to feel like I should be able to cope.

This doesn't make much sense.
Is this to say you are just disappointed in the man you married? Do you feel like you were tricked into a marriage where you expected this to happen? Does he even know you need him and how? How can he give you more than what a counsellor could?

Partners are not in our lives to heal past pain.

My xh's mum called time (officially) when he was at c9llege but she end3d up telling h8m too much. And then his father told him too much. If he'd been 8 he would have heard a lot less detail. Fewer 'truths'

Well you've come here for advice to take it!
You say you find it hard to accept but you've done the hard bit - only YOU can sort this from here.....
Go book an app and get it sorted out asap.

Everyone is saying the same thing and in your last post you are still sounding defensive and even justifying the answers still?! Which then gets people's backs up as you ask for advice - we give it - you don't take it so surely you can see what people have said what they have said ? Most people have either been in this position as sadly it's not in common
I've posted the same in the past and seen some answers as an attack but it isn't
Maybe your just going through some hard times and you need to take a step back and re read what you have written
I always think time away makes you realise so really recommend taking a hold - not to be harsh but as I think you need to be told that
As it will help you in the long run

Some people can be too harsh agreed but the majority are saying the Same here doesn't that tell you something ?

Your DD isn't responsible for your happiness - true. Also, neither is your DH, so stop blaming him for you not being happy. You've strung him along for years, never feeling truly happy in your own words, expecting him to change to solve that instead of taking affirmative action yourself. Leave. Show DD just how unselfish you are by releasing her dad to find real love. Then if you want to shag old flame during your transition period to new you, so be it, you're not the first etc etc