Separating my family

[Neonmoon]

Hi, I feel totally lost. I've been married to my husband for nearly 10 years and together for 17 years. We have 2 kids - 9 and 7. I want to leave but feel so bad about it and question if I'm doing the right thing. My husband has put me down constantly over our relationship and made me feel worthless, to the point of crazy. He has said and done so many awful things, and been so angry. I didn't get it at the time as I thought I was all the things he said. He has demanded so much too. About a month ago, after a difficult year, I just stopped. So many times I have let him, always hoping I would be good enough, I just cant do it again. He now says he's had a wake up call, and it can all work fine, he's doing things with the kids, which he has never done before. It just doesn't sit right with me, and I can't do it. I just feel I have tried for so long, all I want is my kids and myself back. I will have nothing when I leave, he won't go. He has told me I am doing the wrong thing if I go and I will be separating the family. I don't know, I feel selfish for not trying again but I just know I can't do it, then I feel guilty. It's a constant circle. Why does he get to pick and choose when all I've done is try. Can anyone relate to this, sorry for the long rambling post x

I'm sorry you're in this position.
You've been abused put down for so many years you just can't see through the FOG right now.
But the scales seem to be falling from your eyes and you are now seeing him for what he is and realising that you deserve so much more.
Please start with Womens Aid 0808 2000 247.
They can help you to see this for what it is and put you in contact with local support services that will help you with a safe exit plan.
Has he ever been violent?
If so, then you need to leave safely. WA can help you.
Please also contact CAB and find out what you would be entitled to if you left. Benefits, tax credits, housing benefit, child benefit and of course he will have to pay maintenance for his kids.
You can get out. Do you have family or friends you can confide in?
RL support is always a good thing if you have it around you.

Thanks for your message. He's not violent no, he has been very angry, that's all. Do you think its abuse? I dont like to think of it like that, was he aware he was doing it? Since I have stopped he is being so perfect. Again, it's making me question my own sanity. I just can't get my head around it. It would be easy to just accept that he's changed and try again, for the kids, for him, I'm so drained. I don't know. Thanks for your advice, I will give them a call

Dear brave Neonmoon, what is that you've 'stopped ' ?

I've stopped trying to make things right

Sounds like the right decision. You have been steam-rollered, changing yourself to please him.

Get yourself a book by Lundy Bancroft - Why does he do that?
You will find your DH in there and yes it's abuse!
He's going through the 'nice cycle' part right now to reel you back in as he feels the control slipping.
Once you are back in line it will go back to nasty cycle again.

There is also a thread at the top of the relationships bit.
Read through THIS

I think he's always manipulated me, backed me into a corner, if I have an opinion then I'm being argumentative and disrespectful. He's not always nasty, very charming and nice sometimes. He says hes changed and knows where hes gone wrong. I think that's what's makes it hard to understand. Thank you again

I get this. My dh is/was the same. Not as angry and not often, but often enough for me. After a situation just before Christmas I realised I was done. We have a 4yo dd.
He's offered the world and is changing, but it's too late. He's buying me out and I should be in my own place by Easter.
I completely recognise what you're saying about being done, it was like a switch had flipped for me and taht was it. There was no going back.

It's tough whatever you decide but know that you are not splitting your family up if you separate, you are acting on years of old history. It was driven to this point by his actions.

And you are married so you will get something from it, it's worth seeing a solicitor and seeing what you'd be entitled too.

Good luck.

You could be describing my marriage! I have always tried to make it work by changing myself and questioning how I can stop making him angry. I have realised after 30 years, it's he that needs to take responsibility. Like you though, I feel it's time to free myself!
Your husband is on best behaviour but he needs to get treatment, accept responsibility and beg for your forgiveness. Only then can you decide if you still love him or trust he's changed.
My husband admits he's been wrong but blames his upbringing and has never said sorry.
This type of man finds it impossible to accept they're in the wrong as they need to control.

That's exactly it, a switch has flipped over, it won't go back. He won't move out, I am looking to rent somewhere. He's asked me to leave him the house at least, as it's for the kids when they're older. I can't decide if this is right or wrong either?!

Don't leave him the house, if its both yours then sell it if he wont move out. He has been abusive and still is by blaming "the family break up on you" when really its your reaction to the abuse he has thrown at you.

So sorry, it's awful someone can make you feel these things when they are supposed to love you. Are you still together now?

I just can't get my head around the house bit. He had just bought the house when we met, I moved in about a year later and have always paid my way. It's all he has, he says

The house is not all he has because it is not just his, it is a marital asset so it is both of yours. You've taken the first very brave step of deciding you are worth more than this. Take the second step and stop letting him control things. If you haven't done so already, engage a lawyer so you understand what you are entitled to.

As to your question "is this abuse" I would say it very clearly is. However, putting a label on it is not the most important thing right now, you will have plenty of time to label him all you want when you have moved on to a new life that allows you to thrive.

He's asked me to leave him the house at least, as it's for the kids when they're older.

He's a selfish twonk trying to emotionally manipulate you for his own good. The kids need a roof over their heads now. If he was really thinking about them he would be agreeing to move out to ensure they had a home and continuity, even if it means uncertainty for him. He is only thinking of himself. Do not let him fool you.

He's really trying to work you over! I have copies of finances in case it gets dirty. You need some advice. Don't let him decide what you get. He could meet someone else, have another family and then you'll be left with nothing!
You will be entitled to your share.
Please assume he's only looking out for himself and you need to look out for YOU.

Do NOT let him have the house.
Half of that is yours!
Get to CAB and get some advice from them ASAP.
So what would you have?
Do you have your own house?

See a solicitor and make sure you know what money/savings/pensions he has. I bet he has more than you know about.

After so long together the house is a marital asset and you're each entitled to half. The whole "it's for the kids" is just bullshit. If he loves his kids he'll give the house to them now, by moving out and paying maintenance. The fact he's refusing to do that just shows how he sees the house as his and has no intention of sharing it with anyone, even his own children.

This niceness is a short-term ploy to win you over as it's easier than finding another woman to abuse and put in her place. If he cared at all for you & the kids he would never have acted like this in the first place. He hasn't needed to get physically violent as you've been good at doing as you're told. He could have been a good husband and father at any time over the years, but hasn't bothered.

Do be careful - when he sees his latest trick isn't working it is very likely that he will get worse, possibly even violent, if his normal means of control have stopped working.

Hi Neonmoon, I don't have much advise for you but you situation is similar to mine. I too have realised I can't do it anymore but I worry so much about putting my children though and feel guilty about even thinking of it. Sorry I'm not much help but I definitely can relate.

This is a classic case of 'he who cares least, has the most power in a relationship'.

Now that you've stopped, he's pandering and trying to get you on side. Except it seems to late for you.

Has the love gone on your side?

Sometimes too much has happened to make it work. Maybe that's how you feel.

Sorry to hear that sarah2023. It's rubbish isn't it, how long have you felt like this? Have you been together for long?
I'm pretty sure the love has gone for me, when he's with the kids and he's nice I do question but then I have no interest in anything more. There's too many things said and done, it's all I can see now. I feel completely lost and like I don't know myself anymore

Oh dear Neon. That's just like me. I can't physically leave yet as my dcs have big exams coming up, but it's over. I'm finding that councelling is helping as is understanding that I could never have fixed things because only he could fix himself. He's the product of an emotially unavailable mother. Just as with your DH, anger defines his reactions to anything 'difficult'. I've found learning that he has an 'avoidant' attachment style, really helpful. Light bulb moment in fact.
I am not as lost now, but learning to find myself again and I don't allow him to project on me.
He too has said "how can you break up the family". Funny how we struggle more with guilt than the perpetrators of abuse! His boundaries are so impenetrable and mine were always too soft.
Does he expect you to leave the children with him while you go and live on your own? If you can, stay in the house while you formalize the separation. He should want to make this as easy as possible for the children. Has he got it in him to put them first? Don't let him twist things. He'll be good at that I'm sure.

We have been together for 10 years, married for nearly 4. I felt like this on and off for a long time but when he acts all nice i get dragged back in but now my feeling for him are dead I cant bare to have him near me at the moment and thanks to some nice people on here I am relishing that his behaviour not matter how hard it is to admit is emotionally abusive. I didn't feel like myself for so long but I started my own business up last year and that has helped my gain some independence which in turn has slowly helped me start to find myself and have a way out.

I found this site divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm
Sums my DH behaviour very well. He always confused me into thinking I was in the wrong