Separating my family

[Neonmoon]

Hi, I feel totally lost. I've been married to my husband for nearly 10 years and together for 17 years. We have 2 kids - 9 and 7. I want to leave but feel so bad about it and question if I'm doing the right thing. My husband has put me down constantly over our relationship and made me feel worthless, to the point of crazy. He has said and done so many awful things, and been so angry. I didn't get it at the time as I thought I was all the things he said. He has demanded so much too. About a month ago, after a difficult year, I just stopped. So many times I have let him, always hoping I would be good enough, I just cant do it again. He now says he's had a wake up call, and it can all work fine, he's doing things with the kids, which he has never done before. It just doesn't sit right with me, and I can't do it. I just feel I have tried for so long, all I want is my kids and myself back. I will have nothing when I leave, he won't go. He has told me I am doing the wrong thing if I go and I will be separating the family. I don't know, I feel selfish for not trying again but I just know I can't do it, then I feel guilty. It's a constant circle. Why does he get to pick and choose when all I've done is try. Can anyone relate to this, sorry for the long rambling post x

Thanks for that imadeamistake123, it sounds a lot like my husband.

Hi OP

I was accused of breaking up my family.... despite his ignoring several years' requests from me to work with me to fix the issues in our marriage.
So, I told him I refuted his accusation and levelled it back at him.

His excuses that he'd buried his head were too little, too late. His wilful and resolute disregard for my feelings, my plans, my hopes and dreams just killed it for me.

That coupled with sexual rejection, passive-aggressive behaviour,(charm personified on the outside) convinced me, after a decade of soul searching, that enough was enough.

I wont deny it's been brutal and miserable at times. However the sense that I can love my kids without his toxic presence clouding every room, is welcome and refreshing....

Please know that your children will take their lead from you, they will see you upset, then ok again. So far my 3 are doing ok. I have answered every question from them I can, welcoming their comments, accepting their feelings of upset as well as excitement. One day at a time....

Wow, this could also be me. If you can be bothered you can read my previous posts. Been with my partner for about 15 years and in the last couple of months, something has changed in me. I've put up with his horrid behaviour too long and I can't even bear to be in the same room as him.

5 years ago I told him I wanted to split and, despite his horrid treatment of me, he was devastated and promised the world. Funny how they can suddenly change. It will come as no shock that it didn't take long for him to go back to his old ways so I now bitterly regret not seeing it through (but it also affected my DS so much I felt massive guilt).

I'm now stuck in a position where I feel I can't leave and he certainly won't budge. I feel like crying every day and also feel massive guilt that the kids will be badly affected when we do split. Deep down I know we'll all be better off though. Just not sure how I can get through another week, never mind another year.

Sorry thats not advice but others are going through the same thing so you're not alone.

However the sense that I can love my kids without his toxic presence clouding every room, is welcome and refreshing...

hi hutch2017, I have only been on here for a few days and I'm so surprised how many women are going though the same situation as us are in. It's nice not feeling so alone

Not feeling alone is what will carry us, lift us when we're down and give us the strength to keep our heads held high..

It's really sad to see so many of us suffering but it is comforting to know there are others. Why hey? Its a shame we cant all get together! I've felt so lonely for years even though I'm in a relationship. Even now he says he has changed but I can't let my wall down and still feel he is manipulating me by not listening to my feelings, making out its me who's separating the family and me who leaves our home with the kids. I feel so trapped! Sadly to me he's found another way to operate. Thanks for everyone's posts they have been really supportive for me

We might not be able to get together but we are all on here if you need to talk. I don't know about you but my husband has slowly managed to push my family out of the picture I use to be really close to them but not anymore and I don't have any friends so I'm glad I joined mumsnet. Do you own your home? have you thought about counselling for yourself, I have maybe it might help straighten everything out in your head and find a clear path out.

He has tried to, and succeeded a bit, I was close to my family too. I am trying to rebuild it now. He would always moan about them and put them down and if I didn't do the same or defended them. He would make out it was me that had the problem and I need to open up. At family gatherings I would have to stand with him, he would have such a mood if I went and had a chat with my mum or sister, I stopped enjoying them all I did was panic. I'm the same, friendless, I think that's also me hiding though.
We have our own home, yes, do you? How do you see things going forward for you?
I'm on a list for counselling, I'm on a fee as they are all full, some of them until July.

How do you go about getting counselling? I didn't realise how much Relate charge. I emailed them about booking an appointment but can afford £50 a session.

I did the same and couldn't afford that, although I don't think they say it's essential to pay it, just pay what you can afford, you can still go and pay nothing. I searched for other counselling places local to me on Google and found a few charity ones which are free. I'm on a waiting list but it'll get there. Try that and see what's there. Also a lady from earlier said about getting in touch with 'women's aid', I'm looking at that this afternoon.

Its hard for me finding the time as i work 4 days per week too. I might email them back and say I can't afford it and see what they come back with. Let us know how you get on with Women's aid!

We rent our house, I couldn't afford to keep the house on my own and private and council rents are like gold dust as I live on an island so I don't know what I would do. I need to leave I can't mentally carry on the way it is I just don't know if I have the strength to leave tho. I have looked into to counselling but I can't afford it, I think I will look again to see if there anyway but the problem for me is I would need go to to the mainland to which means a full day away and my husband wouldn't look after the kids and I work. How are you all feeling today?

Sarah2023 - could you ring Women's Aid just to get some advice? Or Citizens Advice - they can tell you what your options are.

I'm feeling ok but not sleeping well and I wake with knots in my stomach every morning. I'm struggling to focus at work even though its the only place I feel happy and valued at the moment.

Just take a day at a time, that's what I am doing, it's a hard struggle, but try to keep you and the kids in mind that's what's important. Could you try phone counselling and call the samaritans or somewhere like that maybe?

I'm going to look into women's aid but my worry is what if no on else believes me, what about if it all in my head, everyone thinks he's such a nice guy, what if it just me. He's just spent the weekend ignoring me because he was putting the kids to bed and they were playing up for him and he had a go at me for not helping but the last time I tried to help he said I was undermining him, he started talking to me this morning but then this afternoon he hit a pheasant with his taxi and caused damage he obviously wasn't happy, when the kids came home my son having a tantrum I asked him to put dinner in the ovan as I was tidying up and my son decided he didn't want it so my husband shouted stomered off to bed so I know he will ignore me for the next few day it's his way of punishment.

Sorry it long just needed to vent

Don't worry, it's fine. It's been the same for me too. Standing on eggshells, worried I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. Worried he's going to get angry with the kids for no reason. It puts you in a constant state of panic. It's no way to live, I am doing this for myself, the switch flipped after he had a mood with me because he was tired, I should have been pandering to him instead of sorting the kids out. I saw myself in 10 years and still like this, it was scary, and also for my kids that this is the right impression of what love and a relationship is. Just start gathering information of what you can do and it rollercoasters and gives you strength, it really does. It's not easy and I'm not sorted yet but I have some of me back.
I thought the same, that no one would believe me, he has made me question my own sanity for so long, I just accepted it as it's what a relationship is like. But don't worry, they do, you will get the support you need, you can do it

Do you know how good it feels to be able to talk about it and to people that understand. You right I think that's my first step gathering information making plans. i think I will phone women's aid when I get a chance when I'm on my own and look on the citizen advice website. Thank you so much

"Standing on eggshells, worried I'm going to say or do the wrong thing. Worried he's going to get angry with the kids for no reason. It puts you in a constant state of panic. It's no way to live."

Same here! In the past, I've spent hours or even days trying to work out how to say something without him getting angry or taking it wrong. But the 'rules' changed too much to ever get it right. What worked fine one day would put him in a rage another day. And he always managed to turn it round on me.

Women's aid will definitely believe you, please don't worry about that. Unfortunately had the exact sane thing myself, you think you are actually imagining it, but the long drawn out days of silence are torture. People don't understand until they live in that world where you are waiting for the next reaction, thinking about everything you want to say and what his reaction might be, literally tiptoeing around your whole life waiting for the next thing you will do wrong but you never know its wrong until you do it. It is physically and mentally exhausting. I had enough last summer. Still going through the actual break and it is horrendous, but I am just so looking forward to my life without having this wanker around me.

It's torture isn't constantly walking on egg shells, and I hate the silence I hate constantly worrying if I have done something wrong or is he just in a mood, I hate not knowing and then when he's ready it goes back to normal like nothing has happened. My biological dad was abusive and from a young age I promise myself I would never be with someone like that and I told myself I would be able to spot someone like that and run far away. So I feel stupid sometimes for putting myself in the situation.

Enough101 did you just leave or did you plan it?

I planned it a bit. I saw a solicitor, rang women's aid, went to GP, etc. The bastard will not move out, things have got extremely nasty. Women's aid did warn me but I thought they meant he would hit me when they said the abuse could escalate. I didn't know that the mental and emotional could get so much worse. Everything has had to go through court. He has made horrific allegations about me and watches my every move in the house, even though we do not speak. He has turned out to be even more vicious and angry than I ever thought he could be, and still I am so delighted that we are not together. That is how bad it was in the relationship, I can withstand a couple more months. I got counselling from WA and they have been so great to me, its unbelievable. Don't think for one minute that you cant do this, you can. Take the strength and energy you spent looking over your shoulder to look forward now. You will be shattered, it will likely get worse, but I can't put into words how great it feels to not have to worry about someone 'being in a mood'. It sounds so simple and stupid when you write it down like that, but living with it for the best part of 20 years takes away a part of you. The horrible raincloud that they bring into your home and life is indescribable. But I promise you that you will get yourself back. I had panic attacks, thought I was imagining it, I thought it was my fault. It wasn't. Some, very few, people are born toxic and no matter hoe much you try to help them or all the things you do out of the goodness of your heart, you can't change them. You can only change yourself. Take your time, go at your own pace and only do what you feel able to do, a bit at a time. It will be very hard, but you will cope. Don't let anyone rush you, you will know when you are ready.

Enough101 thanks for posting this it is very inspiring. Well done on having the strength to do this!!

Your incredible strong and very brave enough101, and it has given me hope even tho you are having to go though this thanks for sharing.

Thanks guys. Glad to be of some help. It sounds brave and strong but there are days when I just want to crumple in the corner. There just comes a time when enough is enough. You will know that time, it will come to you.