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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my husband has completely lost it

73 replies

saddlefish · 06/03/2017 03:41

im sitting here because i cannot sleep. my husband of 5years and i were having problems ,arguing alot and decided after a particularly acrimonious argument that he would move out to give us both space. thursday he came over for dinner and to see our 1year old and we argued again and he left.. THe next day iIgot a facebook message from a women claiming to be my husbands new girlfriend..She has messaged me all day to the extent IHave had to leave work as Icouldn't cope. SHe is claiming my husband met her last night that he loves her now, that he wants to start afamily together, that he will bring her child up as his own. All after meeting her once! He has now blocked me on his phone changed his profile to in a relationship with this women
and will not talk if I ring using another. Imanaged to contact her mother as I did not know what else to do ,and it turns out she is 24and has autism. All her mother could say was why do Iwant him back. Well clearly i don't but Icannot grasp what has happened. My husband is seeing a clearly vulnerable women who is totally out of touch with reality. I am completely stunned and don't know what to do next. What has happened to him?

OP posts:

PollytheDolly · 06/03/2017 03:54

Gosh OP I'm so sorry. This must be a terrible shock. What absolutely awful behaviour, not just cheating obviously that's abhorrent enough, but the way he's gone about it?

Clearly, you are better off without such a man.

The OW's mother, what else did she say about her daughter? Is she angry about this? It is all very strange....

For you

Original poster

saddlefish · 06/03/2017 03:58

I feel sick as she is saying things like"you need to leave us alone as he's mine now" and "he says i'm prettier than you". She is clearly very vulnerable and he is taking advantage of that. Ifeel in shock and don't know what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

saddlefish · 06/03/2017 03:59

She just said why would i want him back. It almost feels like he is abusing a child

OP posts:

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/03/2017 04:15

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine how disorienting this must be.

Has your husband had any form for behaviour like this before? Making reckless decisions, using people, selfishness? How was your marriage before the arguing started?

It may be that the lady with autism isn't saying this stuff to him and is behaving more 'normally' with him, and he doesn't know she is messaging you. I hope so.

I guess I would block the lady on social media and act as though you are separating. Protect your joint money in case he tries to splash out on his new girlfriend.

If her mum feels the lady is vulnerable to him she may contact adult safeguarding. Did the mum give you any more info?

harrypotternerd · 06/03/2017 04:15

OP I know how you feel, my ex and I split up (we have 2 DC together) and within 2 hours he had left to meet a woman he was talking to online on a dating site. He did not return until the next morning to get some of his stuff and told me he was moving in with her. They lasted about a month.

PollytheDolly · 06/03/2017 04:22

I know she's the OW but she does sound vulnerable. That's for her friends and family to help her with.

You need to protect yourself now. This obviously is not going to work out for them (it's all so odd!!) so he mustn't have any opportunity to sidle back in.

He done anything like this before? He has lost it for sure.

Original poster

saddlefish · 06/03/2017 04:26

It was a 3way conversation on facebook so I know he saw it. He let her do all the talking saying how he wont be doing childcare this week(he looks after our dd while i work full time) because he will be seeing her, that he hates us both and I need to let them be happy. This is after 1day together !!! I cannot take it in

OP posts:

Original poster

saddlefish · 06/03/2017 04:28

There is no way he will be coming back but i'm sad for our dd to have such a dreadful father

OP posts:

Lulooo · 06/03/2017 04:53

It seems like he hasn't thought it through and the fact that he sat in a three way conversation whilst she said these things to you is clearly indicative of him just trying to make you jealous as he watches on.
Don't worry about his accountability for taking advantage of a vulnerable woman. It won't last and he will come to regret his actions. If her mother doesn't intervene to protect her then that's all you can do.
Stop all contact with her and him and try to focus on yourself and getting through the breakdown of your marriage. Find comfort, friendship and support in your friends and family and work on planning your life going forward.
Heartbreak is very hard to deal with and it's going to take a lot of energy getting through it.

SituationNormalAllFuctup · 06/03/2017 04:57

Get screenshotting everything.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2017 05:04

Screenshot everything.

Your H is a dick and you are well shot of him.

Do you have good friends or family to lean on at this difficult time?

Post here for support too.

mathanxiety · 06/03/2017 05:05

Oh and he will need to provide financial support for you and your DD, so the sooner you can find financial records and get to a solicitor the better.

Do you work? Can you take a few days off to get things sorted out?

I am assuming the relationship is not at all salvageable here.

FrenchLavender · 06/03/2017 05:45

Good grief. How on earth did you manage to find out so soon that she is autistic and how did you manage to track down her mother?

I can't believe her mother's reaction, if her DD is as vulnerable as she sounds then you'd think she'd be a bit more concerned.

This is just awful.

FrenchLavender · 06/03/2017 05:46

And presumably if this is true then he has been having an affair and didn't just meet her yesterday - that is just unbelievable.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/03/2017 06:10

My goodness. You've had some great advice. I'm so sorry to hear how your husband is behaving. You obviously realise he's doing this as a reaction and isn't thinking through his actions. All you can do is protect your daughter as best you can as well as yourself. And I totally agree, this lady is not your responsibility. You sound pretty level headed and very empathetic, which is a great thing. Wishing you all the very best.

Original poster

saddlefish · 06/03/2017 06:11

no he did only meet her yesterday. they both confirmed this. Itracked down her mother as she has an unusual surname and i looked at her friends on facebook and pm'd the most likely women and asked if she was related . she said i'm her mother.

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 06/03/2017 06:14

Can you get some RL support? Childcare, so you can work? At least it's clear you won't want him back!

WateryTart · 06/03/2017 06:30

This sounds awful for you, OP. As has been said, protect yourself and your daughter and let this woman and her family protect her. Your husband has been very stupid.

FrenchLavender · 06/03/2017 06:34

Did she tell you she was autistic? Is your husband in any way a bit vulnerable himself, or suffering from MH issues? This just seems like something out of a surreal bad dream. I can't imagine that an otherwise sane and well balanced man would do this in the space of 24 hours. I can easily see that he might have had a ONS with her, but I can't see that he would sit back and tolerate her messaging you saying the things she has said unless he has lost his mind.

But then, as the title of your OP says, He has lost it.

I know she's the OW but she does sound vulnerable. That's for her friends and family to help her with.

You need to protect yourself now.

That is very sound advice. She is not your problem, he is. There is little you can or should do about her, don't concern yourself with her welfare, just screenshot everything then block her, do not engage, she is deluded. It's concerns me that someone so vulnerable, with such out of whack boundaries is parenting a child, but again that's not your problem.

I imagine this will end in enormous amounts of grief for him when he comes to his senses and tries to extricate himself from her , but that is his problem not yours.

Pack up his stuff and take it to his parents house. Tell them exactly what he has done. Have you got someone to help with childcare this week?

Miserylovescompany2 · 06/03/2017 06:42

If the OW is classed as vulnerable she should be on someone's radar. Especially if she has a child. Most likely known to adult services, possibly the child known to SS. My concern would be for both the OW and her child. She has taken someone into her life whom she doesn't know. For obvious reasons this is VERY dangerous.

Neither your EX or the OW seem to have any common sense or personal boundaries.

All after one day they decided to play happy families. Change their FB status.

I'm struggling with this one. But, who in their right mind would make up this shit?

If the woman has an unusual name I'd be googling it to find out if she's on the electoral roll. Get her address and go around there and speak to the mother face to face.

DownTownAbbey · 06/03/2017 06:43

He hates you both? Meaning you and DD? Screen shot all these messages! If he's been the SAHD he might try for main residency and demand maintenance from you. You need proof he's unsuitable. If he did only meet her very recently this is insane behaviour. The fact that they both say so means nothing. All those arguments you've been having could well be him engineering a split so he can blame you for running into the arms of another woman. He sounds deranged. Look after yourself and seek legal advice immediately

DameDeDoubtance · 06/03/2017 06:45

Start divorce proceedings and let him get on with it, you can't protect a stranger. Look after yourself and your daughter.

FrenchLavender · 06/03/2017 06:46

Misery as much as I agree with everything you say about the OW, the OP is going through enough shit, why should she make it her job to see that the OW is protected and not taken advantage of? She's told her mother, if there is a safeguarding issue let her mother deal with it.

TheFirstMrsDV · 06/03/2017 06:54

Its inappropriate for the OP to get involved in any adult safeguarding.
It would put her in a vulnerable position.
She will be accused of spreading malicious gossip and harassing the OW if she does anything.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 06/03/2017 06:57

Gosh it almost sounds like you H has been kidnapped! What kind of person would sit back and allow all that messaging and say nothing?!

And the girl's mother sounds like she's lost it too if she isn't alarmed by all this!

What a strange turn of events. for you OP, concentrate on yourself and your DD.

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