Just discovered my husband has been cross-dressing and paying for custom porn

[selsigfach]

I am in a complete state of shock. My husband works away and I asked if it would be OK to use his computer to do some work. All fine. I turned it on and his email account came up straight away with purchase after purchase of women's PVC clothing, fucking gimp masks, male sex toys and huge payments to some shady "image consultants".

Shaking, I face timed him and he says that he hasn't been having an affair and that the clothing has either been for him or to go to people to make bondage porn. WTF? Like there isn't enough porn out there. I can't get my head around this and see it as a massive betrayal. He's spent at least a couple of thousand pounds on this. I'm at home with our toddler, working part-time to allow him to be away working. He says he only does this because he's bored in hotel rooms, likes experimenting and knows that I'm not as sexually adventurous/not into pvc/bondage. He says he was just bored and trying it out, he's sent everything back and realises now, after I've rung him in hysterics that it was stupid.

I've told him it's over, I can't live like this. I don't know him anymore and won't ever be able to trust him and when he comes back from work later this week he can pack his bags. He had an absent father and says there's no way he wants to live without his daughter but he should have thought about that before commissioning porn and buying women's clothing. AIBU? I'm completely reeling. He thinks we just need to talk and work through this but I know that things will never be ok and that there's no point. I'm absolutely shaking here. What on earth do I do now?

[Thecontentedcat]

I learnt about paypigs on mumsnet, couldn't quite believe it was real. Hope you are bearing up op, this must be a terrible shock.

[SandyY2K]

A fetish he spent money and effort on like he did, isn't over just like that. He's scared of a divorce and that's why he's telling you this.

He's scared you'll tell family why you're leaving him and he's panicking.

Don't feel obliged to accept this fetish and don't feel it means you're being unreasonable or not open to his kink.

Some kinks will be a deal breaker and the perfume buying says it's more than just a link. This is a definite betrayal and he's clearly not the man you thought he was.

I suspect this is why he was quite okay with you not living close to his work. It gave him a chance to do this.

[nagsandovalballs]

i can tell you that it doesn't 'go away'. Just as you don't suddenly stop being straight or gay. You can make choices about how far you want to take it, but it sounds like he has gone very far. He may be able to give it up for a while, but it will gradually creep back in. You will proabably end up in a 2-5 year cycle of things being fine, then building up, then being caught, possibly with escalation each time.

I'm sorry op. This is so sad.

[HarmlessChap]

I don't know if it makes a difference to the OP but it strikes me that the female PVC clothing may not be to fulfil a desire to take on a female persona it might be some kind of emasculating humiliation?

[LoveDeathPrizes]

I think the pictures may be for the humiliation factor. It's possible he's signed a blackmail agreement.

[ImperialBlether]

Every day's a school day on MN. I'd never heard of a pay pig before.

OP, the lying and the cheating (because it is cheating) would be enough for me. If I saw a photo of my husband dressed like that, I would never want to have sex with him again.

You poor thing - what a horrible shock.

[ImperialBlether]

Which address did the lighting equipment go to?

[xStefx]

I could never fancy my DH again if I saw him dressed like that. I fell in love with a proper blokey bloke and that would just change my view of him.

Maybe explain that the friendship may be able to last (between him and you) But even if forced you wouldn't be able to fancy him again after that.

So sorry OP, the fact that you planned your life with him and he is a different person to what you thought. Just googled the term pay pig , that makes me sick.

[AshesandDust]

Amazing how the sorrow and feeling distraught only
hits after they're caught bang to rights.

Such awful destruction his stupidity has wrought on you, OP.

[SandyY2K]

Every day's a school day on MN. I'd never heard of a pay pig before.

I hadn't heard the term before myself, but I recall seeing a documentary about it. Just didn't know it had a name, other than a sub.

This guy would drink his mistresses urine and give her use of a credit card and basically give her anything she asked for. He licked her feet and enjoyed whippings from her, but she never had sex with him. He was old enough to be her grandfather.

[Iamdobby63]

Oh wow, I'm so sorry OP.

Only got one thing to add, why if he is saying he is done with it and wanting you to trust him is his first instinct to change his passwords? Hardly full disclosure.

This really is awful for you, wish you all the best on whichever route you choose to take.