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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Just discovered my husband has been cross-dressing and paying for custom porn

62 replies

selsigfach · 05/03/2017 21:57

I am in a complete state of shock. My husband works away and I asked if it would be OK to use his computer to do some work. All fine. I turned it on and his email account came up straight away with purchase after purchase of women's PVC clothing, fucking gimp masks, male sex toys and huge payments to some shady "image consultants".

Shaking, I face timed him and he says that he hasn't been having an affair and that the clothing has either been for him or to go to people to make bondage porn. WTF? Like there isn't enough porn out there. I can't get my head around this and see it as a massive betrayal. He's spent at least a couple of thousand pounds on this. I'm at home with our toddler, working part-time to allow him to be away working. He says he only does this because he's bored in hotel rooms, likes experimenting and knows that I'm not as sexually adventurous/not into pvc/bondage. He says he was just bored and trying it out, he's sent everything back and realises now, after I've rung him in hysterics that it was stupid.

I've told him it's over, I can't live like this. I don't know him anymore and won't ever be able to trust him and when he comes back from work later this week he can pack his bags. He had an absent father and says there's no way he wants to live without his daughter but he should have thought about that before commissioning porn and buying women's clothing. AIBU? I'm completely reeling. He thinks we just need to talk and work through this but I know that things will never be ok and that there's no point. I'm absolutely shaking here. What on earth do I do now?

OP posts:

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Iamdobby63 · 07/03/2017 17:27

Oh wow, I'm so sorry OP.

Only got one thing to add, why if he is saying he is done with it and wanting you to trust him is his first instinct to change his passwords? Hardly full disclosure.

This really is awful for you, wish you all the best on whichever route you choose to take.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2017 17:08

Every day's a school day on MN. I'd never heard of a pay pig before.

I hadn't heard the term before myself, but I recall seeing a documentary about it. Just didn't know it had a name, other than a sub.

This guy would drink his mistresses urine and give her use of a credit card and basically give her anything she asked for. He licked her feet and enjoyed whippings from her, but she never had sex with him. He was old enough to be her grandfather.

AshesandDust · 07/03/2017 14:03

Amazing how the sorrow and feeling distraught only
hits after they're caught bang to rights.

Such awful destruction his stupidity has wrought on you, OP.

xStefx · 07/03/2017 13:30

I could never fancy my DH again if I saw him dressed like that. I fell in love with a proper blokey bloke and that would just change my view of him.

Maybe explain that the friendship may be able to last (between him and you) But even if forced you wouldn't be able to fancy him again after that.

So sorry OP, the fact that you planned your life with him and he is a different person to what you thought. Just googled the term pay pig , that makes me sick.

ImperialBlether · 07/03/2017 13:19

Which address did the lighting equipment go to?

ImperialBlether · 07/03/2017 13:17

Every day's a school day on MN. I'd never heard of a pay pig before.

OP, the lying and the cheating (because it is cheating) would be enough for me. If I saw a photo of my husband dressed like that, I would never want to have sex with him again.

You poor thing - what a horrible shock.

LoveDeathPrizes · 07/03/2017 10:26

I think the pictures may be for the humiliation factor. It's possible he's signed a blackmail agreement.

0dfod · 07/03/2017 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarmlessChap · 07/03/2017 08:43

I don't know if it makes a difference to the OP but it strikes me that the female PVC clothing may not be to fulfil a desire to take on a female persona it might be some kind of emasculating humiliation?

nagsandovalballs · 07/03/2017 08:01

i can tell you that it doesn't 'go away'. Just as you don't suddenly stop being straight or gay. You can make choices about how far you want to take it, but it sounds like he has gone very far. He may be able to give it up for a while, but it will gradually creep back in. You will proabably end up in a 2-5 year cycle of things being fine, then building up, then being caught, possibly with escalation each time.

I'm sorry op. This is so sad.

SandyY2K · 07/03/2017 07:56

A fetish he spent money and effort on like he did, isn't over just like that. He's scared of a divorce and that's why he's telling you this.

He's scared you'll tell family why you're leaving him and he's panicking.

Don't feel obliged to accept this fetish and don't feel it means you're being unreasonable or not open to his kink.

Some kinks will be a deal breaker and the perfume buying says it's more than just a link. This is a definite betrayal and he's clearly not the man you thought he was.

I suspect this is why he was quite okay with you not living close to his work. It gave him a chance to do this.

Thecontentedcat · 07/03/2017 07:44

I learnt about paypigs on mumsnet, couldn't quite believe it was real. Hope you are bearing up op, this must be a terrible shock.

Bluntness100 · 07/03/2017 07:18

Who took the pics of him in the gear? Was it a selfie? Why is he buying lighting equipment?

I don't know why people are saying it's not the kink, it is. Although to be honest if I saw my husband in a pvc dress, I'd laugh, he's a big guy, but I couldn't look at him the same again, especially if he was making porn, and it would disgust me, and the relationship would end.

scottishdiem · 07/03/2017 00:01

Well it isnt out of his system to be honest. He needs therapy to change behaviours (not excusing him but a warning that he is in denial).

selsigfach · 06/03/2017 23:41

Just googled... He is totally a paypig. He said he's going to get the money back... With no name, address, just a PayPal account he willingly sent thousands of pounds of toys and money to. He's distraught and begging me that it's all over and out of his system. How could he be so stupid??

OP posts:

selsigfach · 06/03/2017 23:36

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this too, mermaid. I've been expecting to be called a troll here because if I'd read this a week ago, when all I wanted was another baby and for us to move closer to his work, I couldn't have believed that this would actually happen to normal people.

OP posts:

selsigfach · 06/03/2017 23:33

What's a pay pig? I clearly know nothing about any of this seedy underworld. The pictures were of my husband - my scruffy, surfy, jeans and hoodie husband - wearing a pvc dress, thigh high boots, fake boobs, wig and a ball gag. I will never be able to unsee that. I knew he liked pvc but in that he wanted me to wear it. A few years ago I did for him, just a corset but it did nothing for me. I never dreamed it would turn into this. We had a big chat tonight on FaceTime, he's mortified by what he's done and says it's all over, a fetish that got out of hand, and desperate to work through it but I just can't. I know it would never be okay.

OP posts:

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 22:23

That then is a failure of your ex Mermaidinthesea to establish the boundaries of what people should be communicating to him about you. Or not speaking to them full stop. By accepting that he was devaluing his relationship with you.

I suppose some of the reactions to the kink do explain why some men dont do the communicating thing with their wives. A hint of something outside what the partner deems acceptable results in being told to leave. The catch-22 then is either suppressing a part of who they are or lying about it. Which is a bit of a bad choice really.

Mermaidinthesea · 06/03/2017 21:55

They are not harmless Scottish diem, I found out all of his mates on there who don't even know me encouraged him to "dump the vanilla" as it will never work. No mention of our 17 years together or everything I have done for him.

Eolian · 06/03/2017 21:52

Who says the kink isn't part of the problem? If, as well as being understandably distraught about the lies and the financial aspect, the OP also feels uncomfortable with being married to a man with that kink or any other kink (whether he expresses it in private, with other women, or not at all), then that is her prerogative. People don't have to be 'cool' with what they consider disturbing predilections or personality traits in a partner or potential partner. Would I have married my dh if he'd had a similar kink and told me about it when we met? Nope, I'd have run a mile.

Thecontentedcat · 06/03/2017 21:50

Maybe he is a paypig?

scottishdiem · 06/03/2017 21:50

@eolian - whilst I accept that there are barriers for some I am concerned about the idea that people are static sexual beings who cannot explore what turns them on and what they enjoy. DP and I have different joint kinks and some we do not share. Some we have found out and experienced after marriage. I just dont think we, and those who like kink, are scum.

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SandyY2K · 06/03/2017 21:39

The kink is not the problem here.

But it is the problem for the OP and it would be for many others too. It's not just the failure to communicate it.

It's not a kink she wants a husband of hers to have...

Lockheart · 06/03/2017 21:23

I don't think anyone's said the OP has to accept his kink. She does not have to accept it; the OP and her DH are clearly not right for each other in this case. But having a (legal) kink does not on its own make someone a horrible human being. And it's important to remember kinks can come and go with time; this might be a relatively recent thing for him and potentially not something he knew about before they married.

The kink is not the problem here.

The problem is he a) failed to communicate with the OP about his sexual wants and needs, b) started to indulge them without the OP's knowledge, c) spent family money on said indulgence, and d) lied about it and tried to cover it up. And from the sounds of it, e) indulged it on a very personal and intimate level with another person, which I would consider cheating.

LoveDeathPrizes · 06/03/2017 20:52

This

You get an idea of someone's sexual personality. It's horrible when you realise how far off the mark you've been.

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