Just discovered my husband has been cross-dressing and paying for custom porn

[selsigfach]

I am in a complete state of shock. My husband works away and I asked if it would be OK to use his computer to do some work. All fine. I turned it on and his email account came up straight away with purchase after purchase of women's PVC clothing, fucking gimp masks, male sex toys and huge payments to some shady "image consultants".

Shaking, I face timed him and he says that he hasn't been having an affair and that the clothing has either been for him or to go to people to make bondage porn. WTF? Like there isn't enough porn out there. I can't get my head around this and see it as a massive betrayal. He's spent at least a couple of thousand pounds on this. I'm at home with our toddler, working part-time to allow him to be away working. He says he only does this because he's bored in hotel rooms, likes experimenting and knows that I'm not as sexually adventurous/not into pvc/bondage. He says he was just bored and trying it out, he's sent everything back and realises now, after I've rung him in hysterics that it was stupid.

I've told him it's over, I can't live like this. I don't know him anymore and won't ever be able to trust him and when he comes back from work later this week he can pack his bags. He had an absent father and says there's no way he wants to live without his daughter but he should have thought about that before commissioning porn and buying women's clothing. AIBU? I'm completely reeling. He thinks we just need to talk and work through this but I know that things will never be ok and that there's no point. I'm absolutely shaking here. What on earth do I do now?

The ex of a guy I know through sports sells custom porn via twitter, she has an amazon wish list that her followers can buy stuff from and she'll make videos (for a fee) using or wearing the stuff, I'm guessing that this is a similar set up.

I only know as it had been an acrimonious split and he shared the shit out of her twitter, albeit she didn't seem to care and I don't know whether she was doing it before the split or even if that was the cause.

Must be an awful shock for you OP. I'm not going to be judgemental about his kinks but the money, engaging the involvement of others and deceit is unforgivable.

Oh gosh what a shock for you OP!

I hope you managed to get some sleep, take it a step at a time to get your thoughts together

Must have been tough to find this OP. Always surprises me, when people think they can keep their kinks secret & hide them from a relationship. His biggest crime here is not addressing thus with you earlier

Hes lying. Why would you need perfume for custom porn?

Also, ignore the poster shaming you for finding the cross dressing and bondage an issue. You're perfectly entitled to your own deal breakers, especially when it has never been out in the open. If he'd told you from the start that would be completely different.

How are things today fach?

I think it's very much like the situation harmlesschap describes. After posting last night I found some disgusting photos of my husband dressed up. I made copies for the future. He's changed all his passwords. I know that I should have checked everything before letting fly yesterday and gathered my ducks but I certainly have enough incriminating evidence now. I spoke to a friend this morning, still doesn't seem real, and said that I just can't get over this. Everyone has a line and this is mine. My husband hasn't contacted me today. I want a divorce.

I'd have a major problem with this too op, you really aren't alone. I've no problem with viewing porn but if this guy is buying lighting equipment I'd guess he is involved in the making of it. As in actively involved. I also find the dressing up in women's clothing a turn off. I have no issues with transvestites, if that's what this is, I just don't find it attractive in a man, Rightly or wrongly I could not be involved in a sexual or romantic relationship with a man who dressed as a woman secretly and made porn.

Do you know who the other people he is sending things to are? And do you think the perfume is for one of them, or for him to wear, as in part of the dressing as a woman thing?

Are the images sexual, or do you think maybe he is a transvestite and he's been hiding it? Maybe the former is easier to accept than an affair, maybe not, everyone's reactions will differ there, but the porn thing is an extra hurdle there.

Dear Selsigfach I'm so sorry for you, my husband did exactly the same. Lied to me for 5 years before I found his vile profile on a site called fetlife. Went on there as a visitor, printed it all off before my eyeballs fell out of my head finding out what he got up to.
He then said we ought to go to swinging clubs as our sex life was so boring and bought me a flipping collar. I told him what to do with it and he dumped me about 17 years together.
This was someone I trusted absolutely and loved with all my heart.
In the end the fetish will win not you. It's better to get rid now and then try and heal. These people are scum and will just do worse and worse for kicks. They can never seem to get enough.
I really feel for you as I'm still reeling from it all and it was last year.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine the panic you must've felt. Well, I can to an extent and it's just horrible.

Isn't the sending of gifts a sub/dom type thing? I think I read that somewhere on here.

Ffs, there is a whole world of stuff I didn't know existed,,fetlife? 😱😱😱

Fetlife is one of the better, more legitimate sites to be honest and calling them scum is part of the problem and its why people hide it. But just buying someone a collar and expecting them to go swinging is never going to work.

OPs DH got in too deep, lied, hide things and spent family money so has to pay the price for that.

OP - you must be so shocked. Those people who are implying that the OP should be ok with her DH's kink and that it's only the lying that's unacceptable... seriously?! No. People choose their partners on the basis of personal preferences about all sorts of things. Some people find blonde hair attractive. Some like a muscular physique, some like shy and retiring types, others prefer someone who shares a particular hobby with them. Maybe others can't stand sporty types because they find them boring . Are you really saying it's not ok to choose or reject someone on the basis of stuff they like to do, which you might hate or disapprove of? Only the OP wasn't given that option, because her dh didn't tell her. And now she knows, she's well within her rights not to say "Goodness, that's a bit of a shock darling. I wish you'd told me sooner and I'd have been cool with it", but rather "I find that repulsive, get the hell away from me!".

This

You get an idea of someone's sexual personality. It's horrible when you realise how far off the mark you've been.

I don't think anyone's said the OP has to accept his kink. She does not have to accept it; the OP and her DH are clearly not right for each other in this case. But having a (legal) kink does not on its own make someone a horrible human being. And it's important to remember kinks can come and go with time; this might be a relatively recent thing for him and potentially not something he knew about before they married.

The kink is not the problem here.

The problem is he a) failed to communicate with the OP about his sexual wants and needs, b) started to indulge them without the OP's knowledge, c) spent family money on said indulgence, and d) lied about it and tried to cover it up. And from the sounds of it, e) indulged it on a very personal and intimate level with another person, which I would consider cheating.

The kink is not the problem here.

But it is the problem for the OP and it would be for many others too. It's not just the failure to communicate it.

It's not a kink she wants a husband of hers to have...

@eolian - whilst I accept that there are barriers for some I am concerned about the idea that people are static sexual beings who cannot explore what turns them on and what they enjoy. DP and I have different joint kinks and some we do not share. Some we have found out and experienced after marriage. I just dont think we, and those who like kink, are scum.

Maybe he is a paypig?

Who says the kink isn't part of the problem? If, as well as being understandably distraught about the lies and the financial aspect, the OP also feels uncomfortable with being married to a man with that kink or any other kink (whether he expresses it in private, with other women, or not at all), then that is her prerogative. People don't have to be 'cool' with what they consider disturbing predilections or personality traits in a partner or potential partner. Would I have married my dh if he'd had a similar kink and told me about it when we met? Nope, I'd have run a mile.

They are not harmless Scottish diem, I found out all of his mates on there who don't even know me encouraged him to "dump the vanilla" as it will never work. No mention of our 17 years together or everything I have done for him.

That then is a failure of your ex Mermaidinthesea to establish the boundaries of what people should be communicating to him about you. Or not speaking to them full stop. By accepting that he was devaluing his relationship with you.

I suppose some of the reactions to the kink do explain why some men dont do the communicating thing with their wives. A hint of something outside what the partner deems acceptable results in being told to leave. The catch-22 then is either suppressing a part of who they are or lying about it. Which is a bit of a bad choice really.

What's a pay pig? I clearly know nothing about any of this seedy underworld. The pictures were of my husband - my scruffy, surfy, jeans and hoodie husband - wearing a pvc dress, thigh high boots, fake boobs, wig and a ball gag. I will never be able to unsee that. I knew he liked pvc but in that he wanted me to wear it. A few years ago I did for him, just a corset but it did nothing for me. I never dreamed it would turn into this. We had a big chat tonight on FaceTime, he's mortified by what he's done and says it's all over, a fetish that got out of hand, and desperate to work through it but I just can't. I know it would never be okay.

I'm so sorry that you've had to go through this too, mermaid. I've been expecting to be called a troll here because if I'd read this a week ago, when all I wanted was another baby and for us to move closer to his work, I couldn't have believed that this would actually happen to normal people.

Just googled... He is totally a paypig. He said he's going to get the money back... With no name, address, just a PayPal account he willingly sent thousands of pounds of toys and money to. He's distraught and begging me that it's all over and out of his system. How could he be so stupid??

Well it isnt out of his system to be honest. He needs therapy to change behaviours (not excusing him but a warning that he is in denial).

Who took the pics of him in the gear? Was it a selfie? Why is he buying lighting equipment?

I don't know why people are saying it's not the kink, it is. Although to be honest if I saw my husband in a pvc dress, I'd laugh, he's a big guy, but I couldn't look at him the same again, especially if he was making porn, and it would disgust me, and the relationship would end.